Hi I am Hylke, 19 years old, living in the Netherlands and I feel like honeysuckle.
I do not have any friends, and no social life. What I did today: randomly browsing the internet. I don't even remember what anymore. The rest of my weekend? The same. And the rest of my week, 2009, 2008, high school...I do not have a single happy memory from high school.
The only thing I enjoyed in the past few years was tripping my brain out on magic mushrooms. Although this may sound bad, it was actually a beautiful experience end I had a really good time every time I did it.
Truth is, the first time I did it I only went so that I could hang out with people. Well ok it seemed cool as well. I didn't do it to 'fit in' but just to have a reason to be around any people at all. To have a reason to talk to them.
I never talk to people, or at least not like they talk to other people. Nobody ever knows what to say to me, and I don't know what to say to them. And it just ends up being shallow or silent. I know it's a cliche but I don't think people get me. I am very defensive about myself so I just try to wrap it in jokes and careful hints. HAHAHAHA I AM SOOO DEPRESSED LOL! Even when I am serious people still think I am kidding.
I am not natural around most people anyway. I don't know how to relate to them, think I might upset one of the seemingly arbitrary rules of social interaction that all other people seem to get, looking for hidden meaning behind their words (like I often have behind mine).
During high school I just had a single real friend who got me, who hung out with me. The other people I talked to at school (I used to define friends as: people I sometimes talk to) were completely different from me. I just didn't have another nerd in my class. Furthermore I was (and am still) very ugly, although most of the acne has gone away.
Anyway my friend went away. First to another class. He got other friends, contact lessened. After high school he joined the army, got a life, obviously didn't need me anymore and we had no more contact. I often lay awake thinking about him, he was my best friend ever and I miss him. Although I don't think I ever meant anything to him.
So now I don't have any friends left and I just sit at home on a Saturday night with my parents and my younger brother. My parents don't understand me either, mainly because I never talk to them. I just feel awkward telling my mom how I feel because she can overreact so much and is kind of like me in a different way; she can't carry a normal conversation either. Never gets a joke, always overreacts, has nothing to add and seems to live in a world of her own. Not being able to talk to people is the only thing we have in common. So I just gave up talking to her.
My dad is better, but he hardly ever talks to me. I'd love to talk to him but first of all this would mean he would talk to my mom about it, which I don't want. Secondly I feel like I am just a disappointment to him and I don't want to disappoint him any further, he is very athletic and a great guy to drink a beer with for many, both of which I am not.
Finally there is my kid brother, whom I think suffers from the same thing as me. He just responds by diving in the world of video games. The only interaction the family has with him is his angry grunting (literally it seems like he is incapable of normal speech) when he needs to turn the computer of for diner, or when he doesn't get what he want (he needs to turn the computer of for another reason, he can't sit behind the computer because he needs to go somewhere, he doesn't like diner, we chew too loudly, aren't any snacks or candy or just because) he is seventeen by the way.
All in all not a very happy family, and diners mostly consist of silence.
I would love to do something with my life, but I have no idea what. I was thinking of joining the chess club, but I have been putting it of for ages (I am afraid). I always say I'm going to get out of bed early the next morning and just do something. I usually get out around 12 when I don't have to go to school. Eat my lunch and sit behind my laptop.
I feel like I just wasted my life sitting behind that **** computer. And I did. First games, thousands of hours, and then internet thousands of hours, to achieve what? Nothing. And I can see my brother is doing the same and if I'd ever get kids I'd know they'd do the same as well. Probably the only reason my mom and or my dad turned out better is because there weren't any computers back then and they came from big families.
I do work by the way, and it is a shitty job. I don't even need the money since I hardly spend anything, but my work IS my social life. I actually feel comfortable around many of my colleagues and I can just have fun with them. They are possibly the most important people in my life although I can't talk to them seriously (again the HAHAHA I AM SO DEPRESSED LOL! effect). I can't talk about any of the subjects I hold so dear, science, chess, philosophy etc. And they will have forgotten me in a few years while I'll probably still remember them for the rest of my life.
I do go to college with some great people, that actually treat me as if I'm a normal person, but as I said before, I just can't talk to them. Still my self esteem improved a little since I started college, so that's a good thing. But apart from that college is the same as high school, lonely, depressed and the internet as my only distraction from the sadness.
Anyway I just feel like honeysuckle, I have no self esteem, which started way back when I was in ground school being teased and beaten up. Which I remember as the most real and best part of my life (I actually had friends! Multiple). The only reason I don't feel miserable all the time is because I just stopped thinking. Once I start thinking a wave of depression just hits me.
I wish I could talk to a girl (I usually just freeze up completely). Have sex for the first time. Get a friend. Find something that will make life not completely pointless. Feel good about myself. But I just don't see that happening. I wasted and will waste my best years and I won't be so much as a footnote in anyone's life, let alone human history.
Anyway this was possibly the longest thing I wrote in a single go, and I don't expect anyone to read it. I just had to get it of my chest, but I didn't. It just made me more depressed. I am going to sleep now, because I need to get up early tomorrow for a whole three hours of the joy known as 'policy processes'.
Good night.
I do not have any friends, and no social life. What I did today: randomly browsing the internet. I don't even remember what anymore. The rest of my weekend? The same. And the rest of my week, 2009, 2008, high school...I do not have a single happy memory from high school.
The only thing I enjoyed in the past few years was tripping my brain out on magic mushrooms. Although this may sound bad, it was actually a beautiful experience end I had a really good time every time I did it.
Truth is, the first time I did it I only went so that I could hang out with people. Well ok it seemed cool as well. I didn't do it to 'fit in' but just to have a reason to be around any people at all. To have a reason to talk to them.
I never talk to people, or at least not like they talk to other people. Nobody ever knows what to say to me, and I don't know what to say to them. And it just ends up being shallow or silent. I know it's a cliche but I don't think people get me. I am very defensive about myself so I just try to wrap it in jokes and careful hints. HAHAHAHA I AM SOOO DEPRESSED LOL! Even when I am serious people still think I am kidding.
I am not natural around most people anyway. I don't know how to relate to them, think I might upset one of the seemingly arbitrary rules of social interaction that all other people seem to get, looking for hidden meaning behind their words (like I often have behind mine).
During high school I just had a single real friend who got me, who hung out with me. The other people I talked to at school (I used to define friends as: people I sometimes talk to) were completely different from me. I just didn't have another nerd in my class. Furthermore I was (and am still) very ugly, although most of the acne has gone away.
Anyway my friend went away. First to another class. He got other friends, contact lessened. After high school he joined the army, got a life, obviously didn't need me anymore and we had no more contact. I often lay awake thinking about him, he was my best friend ever and I miss him. Although I don't think I ever meant anything to him.
So now I don't have any friends left and I just sit at home on a Saturday night with my parents and my younger brother. My parents don't understand me either, mainly because I never talk to them. I just feel awkward telling my mom how I feel because she can overreact so much and is kind of like me in a different way; she can't carry a normal conversation either. Never gets a joke, always overreacts, has nothing to add and seems to live in a world of her own. Not being able to talk to people is the only thing we have in common. So I just gave up talking to her.
My dad is better, but he hardly ever talks to me. I'd love to talk to him but first of all this would mean he would talk to my mom about it, which I don't want. Secondly I feel like I am just a disappointment to him and I don't want to disappoint him any further, he is very athletic and a great guy to drink a beer with for many, both of which I am not.
Finally there is my kid brother, whom I think suffers from the same thing as me. He just responds by diving in the world of video games. The only interaction the family has with him is his angry grunting (literally it seems like he is incapable of normal speech) when he needs to turn the computer of for diner, or when he doesn't get what he want (he needs to turn the computer of for another reason, he can't sit behind the computer because he needs to go somewhere, he doesn't like diner, we chew too loudly, aren't any snacks or candy or just because) he is seventeen by the way.
All in all not a very happy family, and diners mostly consist of silence.
I would love to do something with my life, but I have no idea what. I was thinking of joining the chess club, but I have been putting it of for ages (I am afraid). I always say I'm going to get out of bed early the next morning and just do something. I usually get out around 12 when I don't have to go to school. Eat my lunch and sit behind my laptop.
I feel like I just wasted my life sitting behind that **** computer. And I did. First games, thousands of hours, and then internet thousands of hours, to achieve what? Nothing. And I can see my brother is doing the same and if I'd ever get kids I'd know they'd do the same as well. Probably the only reason my mom and or my dad turned out better is because there weren't any computers back then and they came from big families.
I do work by the way, and it is a shitty job. I don't even need the money since I hardly spend anything, but my work IS my social life. I actually feel comfortable around many of my colleagues and I can just have fun with them. They are possibly the most important people in my life although I can't talk to them seriously (again the HAHAHA I AM SO DEPRESSED LOL! effect). I can't talk about any of the subjects I hold so dear, science, chess, philosophy etc. And they will have forgotten me in a few years while I'll probably still remember them for the rest of my life.
I do go to college with some great people, that actually treat me as if I'm a normal person, but as I said before, I just can't talk to them. Still my self esteem improved a little since I started college, so that's a good thing. But apart from that college is the same as high school, lonely, depressed and the internet as my only distraction from the sadness.
Anyway I just feel like honeysuckle, I have no self esteem, which started way back when I was in ground school being teased and beaten up. Which I remember as the most real and best part of my life (I actually had friends! Multiple). The only reason I don't feel miserable all the time is because I just stopped thinking. Once I start thinking a wave of depression just hits me.
I wish I could talk to a girl (I usually just freeze up completely). Have sex for the first time. Get a friend. Find something that will make life not completely pointless. Feel good about myself. But I just don't see that happening. I wasted and will waste my best years and I won't be so much as a footnote in anyone's life, let alone human history.
Anyway this was possibly the longest thing I wrote in a single go, and I don't expect anyone to read it. I just had to get it of my chest, but I didn't. It just made me more depressed. I am going to sleep now, because I need to get up early tomorrow for a whole three hours of the joy known as 'policy processes'.
Good night.
