NO FRIENDS

[lookingforthelight]

*warning* This is kind of a rant, but I want to see if anyone out there has anything in common with me.

I have no friends.
I'm stuck- both literally and figuratively- in a place I don't want to be.
I'm better off than I was 3 years ago, in terms of my emotional state- I can get a better grip of things and I am 100% sure that I am not going to kill myself anytime soon.
It's been a long time since I've had a friend or gone out with a friend. Almost 4 years exactly. This is by choice and by circumstance (moving, stress, depression, avoiding people due to insecurity).
Now on to my insecuritities:
I hate my height. It makes me feel unfeminine.
I feel very unattractive (people have joked that I am too old to still have baby fat. )

I know that things are gonna change soon (there's a new job on the horizon, which means new environment), but I don't know if I'll ever get over this.


Not to sound cliche, but Every time I have opened myself up to other people, I have gotten hurt. I'm so ashamed that I was so depressed. I'm scared I will never be accepted.

I have this dark fantasy of making someone fall in love with me and then killing myself. I've never felt loved. My parents really messed me up by being so cold with me.

*sigh*
I'm done now.

 

[Sci-Fi]

First, that is awesome that you are doing better than you were 3 years ago, good for you! You made some pretty hard decisions and seem to be looking forward to the future.

Second, you need to accept your body for what it is, we all have things we don't like about our bodies and learning to accept them is sometimes the only way to deal with it. Unless you have the money for surgery but that should only be done in the most extreme cases.

Third, you say you get hurt when you open yourself up to people. There can be two reasons for that, one is that maybe you open yourself up too much. The other is simple, once we open ourselves up to people we also open ourselves up to hurt, no one is perfect and sometimes people hurt other people without even realizing it until it has already happened.

There is no need to feel ashamed for feeling depressed, and it is natural after what you've gone through. You're not alone in fearing you won't be accepted, that's natural too.

As for your dark fantasy...don't think like that! I'm glad you called it a...fantasy...because as far as you've seem to come it would be terrible for that to come to anything more than that. Those feelings seem to stem from your fear of not being accepted. Sorry to hear that your parents were so cold, people don't realize how much it can affect a person, especially parents. I've seen that so much and it really saddens me.

Anyway, keep on doing what you are doing, keep working on yourself and pushing forward. Good luck on your new job.

 

[lookingforthelight]

Thanks for the response.
Sorry if this gets kind of rant-ish.
I'm trying to accept my body and my height, but I got made fun of so much as a kid, and it never really left me. It's so messed up that something that a bunch of bullies said to me when I was a child can still bother me now, but that's something I gotta work through.
It seems like very single time I've tried to be open and be honest and reveal what's really going on and be open about my need for help, I've gotten hurt. Most often that happened with my parents. I'm just scared to be sad in front of people. I feel guilty. I feel like if I open myself up, I'll never be seen as a good person. if I cry in front of someone, they'll hate me. that's so dumb, right?

It's just a sick fantasy that only comes out when I'm feeling very down. I have no plans on actually doing that and I can snap myself out of it pretty quickly.

Thanks for your response.

 

[redrotary13b]

I know the feeling.

But you can't give up. People generally suck and are blind. I admit I am too sometimes. But just keep on truckin'!! And men like women in different shapes and sizes so don't fret on it.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I can relate to getting bullied because of your height. I'm only 5'6 1/2" male. I was short all through school and got picked on for it. It still bothers me, but I'm okay with my height, yeah sure I would love to be taller but I'm okay with it, nothing I can do about it. I've seen tall people get picked on too, some of them really hate it when you ask them how the weather is up there.

Feeling guilty, not being seen as a good person, cry in front of people, yeah that is dumb. You shouldn't feel guilty about it and if someone makes you feel that way then they are not a good person themselves or unable to deal with others emotions. Of course you don't want to do it all the time but maybe have one person or two you can really just open up to and let it all out.

Why would you think they would see you as not a good person?

 

[lookingforthelight]

I can't shake the feeling that crying and being down in front of other people makes me "less than". I don't know, it's just something from my childhood. My emotions were a burden to my parents and I have this constant fear of being a burden to people.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I know this is totally off topic but, LookingForTheLight, I love your username.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

I definitely understand your situation. I only really have two friends I can hang out with at the moment, and though it gets lonely, the lack of drama is nice. I am stuck in ******* Florida, and I hate it every ******* day. I can't go outside for 20 minutes without having to come back inside and change, because it's so **** hot. I am also much better than I was 3 years ago. The time that I've had by myself has been very good for me, I've been trying to figure out how to get my honeysuckle together, and I may be succeeding. And though I do go out with friends on occasion, I don't at the moment have very strong relationships, which kinda sucks when you've had a hardcore bestie before...

Insecurities: I am very tall and thin, I love it and hate it at the same time. It's nice because everyone wants what I have, but I'm also out casted at the same time, and suffer a lot of joint and bone pain. So I've always been jealous of short girls, I think they're adorable. ^-^
I don't always feel attractive. People have told me I'm too skinny, or not well enough endowed, or they've made fun of my strange proportions... But you've just gotta try to brush them off, and find how you feel pretty anyway... I'm trying very hard. :/

And lastly, Everyone opens themselves up to get hurt. Do you play video games? You know how the big bosses are all "Bwa ha ha, I'm going to kill you!" and then they only end up exposing their weak spot to you, holding it out, so you can mash the honeysuckle out of it? Love really isn't much different. It's giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting that they wont. ^-^

So, point is, don't feel so alone. It's always nice to improve, and if we're aware of it, we only get better with time. There's always someone else in the world who feels the same pain, though they may be completely different from you. Everyone's got parental problems, everyone's been picked on at ONE point in time, some more than others. But we all get by, we live on, gotta learn to walk on, so lets go. ^-^

 

[Peter Lorre]

And lastly, Everyone opens themselves up to get hurt. Do you play video games? You know how the big bosses are all "Bwa ha ha, I'm going to kill you!" and then they only end up exposing their weak spot to you, holding it out, so you can mash the honeysuckle out of it? Love really isn't much different. It's giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting that they wont. ^-^

lol, I can't believe you just compared love to downing the 'lich king' (well, in your case something like 'the dark hobbit' ). Still, there is some sense in it!

OT: It's a cliché, but it's the truth: no matter how many times you get hurt when you open up, you can't stop doing it. If you really want a meaningful relationship with anyone else, you need to take a risk and be vulnerable. Never give up!

 

[lookingforthelight]

I know this is totally off topic but, LookingForTheLight, I love your username.

thank you
I like the quotes in your signature

 

[I'm Fine]

I can't shake the feeling that crying and being down in front of other people makes me "less than". I don't know, it's just something from my childhood. My emotions were a burden to my parents and I have this constant fear of being a burden to people.

I understand that completely.

I would like to think that here, at least, you will be allowed to vent your emotions without such judgement. I'll let you go first though, just in case I'm wrong. <insert paralysing fear here>

 

[lookingforthelight]

I can't shake the feeling that crying and being down in front of other people makes me "less than". I don't know, it's just something from my childhood. My emotions were a burden to my parents and I have this constant fear of being a burden to people.

I understand that completely.

I would like to think that here, at least, you will be allowed to vent your emotions without such judgement. I'll let you go first though, just in case I'm wrong. <insert paralysing fear here>

Oh my God- someone who understands me! yay!
I've suppressed so much that it just feels like I'll explode.
I'm at the point where one little insult can make me have a breakdown cause it opens the floodgates to all of my other insecurities and sadness.

 

[I'm Fine]

The only thing I'll warn you about is that, from my personal experience, when you start to talk about things - it makes you feel them again. Just so you know. I'm still trying to work out if it's a good thing or not.

If you ever want someone to talk to - PM me. (Why does it always sound pervy saying that?)

 

[Lotus]

I can't shake the feeling that crying and being down in front of other people makes me "less than". I don't know, it's just something from my childhood. My emotions were a burden to my parents and I have this constant fear of being a burden to people.

That's how I feel all the time. I usually show no real sad emotions because they are looked down upon in my family as being weak or 'crazy'. If I do, it's seriously because I can't hold it in any longer. And when I do, all my family members think I'm having 'an episode' and acting 'crazy'.

Also, don't have any friends, except one I talk to online very rarely. To make this more on-topic.

 

[lookingforthelight]

I can't shake the feeling that crying and being down in front of other people makes me "less than". I don't know, it's just something from my childhood. My emotions were a burden to my parents and I have this constant fear of being a burden to people.

That's how I feel all the time. I usually show no real sad emotions because they are looked down upon in my family as being weak or 'crazy'. If I do, it's seriously because I can't hold it in any longer. And when I do, all my family members think I'm having 'an episode' and acting 'crazy'.

Also, don't have any friends, except one I talk to online very rarely. To make this more on-topic.

I am in the same situation! It sucks to not be able to be open with your family and the people around you.

---

The only thing I'll warn you about is that, from my personal experience, when you start to talk about things - it makes you feel them again. Just so you know. I'm still trying to work out if it's a good thing or not.

If you ever want someone to talk to - PM me. (Why does it always sound pervy saying that?)

that's so true. it makes you replay the scenarios in your mind. which could reopen old wounds, or it could help bring us closer to closure.
I'll def PM you.

 

[smile77]

Why you don't give a try??, I want to be your friend. If you let me in...please PM me, ok.

 

[Poueff]

Phisical/Body stuff. Height,to me,is a plus. I'm a high guy,especially for my age,and tbh height,be it on one end of the spectrum or in the other,is hot as hell. Small/Cute girls own and it's also awesome if she can see eye to eye with me,so yeah,hight (being shorter or higher than normal) is a plus,a big one.
On the baby fat stuff,what do you mean? A small bump in the end of your belly? Meh,doesn't really matter to most people tbh,and the ones who do,they either just want something to pick on or know you won't take it the wrong way.

Psychological stuff:
We're here aren't we? There's a saying I hold true. "No one that makes you cry,deserves it,and no one that deserves it will make you cry"
I hope you aren't shedding tears because of us :x

 

[Shutter]

It's been 16 years since I had a friend.

 

[lookingforthelight]

Phisical/Body stuff. Height,to me,is a plus. I'm a high guy,especially for my age,and tbh height,be it on one end of the spectrum or in the other,is hot as hell. Small/Cute girls own and it's also awesome if she can see eye to eye with me,so yeah,hight (being shorter or higher than normal) is a plus,a big one.
On the baby fat stuff,what do you mean? A small bump in the end of your belly? Meh,doesn't really matter to most people tbh,and the ones who do,they either just want something to pick on or know you won't take it the wrong way.

Psychological stuff:
We're here aren't we? There's a saying I hold true. "No one that makes you cry,deserves it,and no one that deserves it will make you cry"
I hope you aren't shedding tears because of us :x

That quote is so right. All these jerks who've hurt me don't deserve my attention- that's what people always say- but it doesn't remove the pain. I wish I could just wake up one day and feel better.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I don't know why I'm posting this but...the lyrics "We're standing on the rooftop ready to fall" came into my head while i was reading this thread.

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