No matter what I do I end up where I am now.

[rocky243]

Loneliness haunts me, I can never do anything to stop it. I can never make any friends and when I do I mess up our oppurtunity or our relationship.

Recently there was this person who sought me out and he helped me. He told me he had experienced the same stuff I had been going through now. He said that in his past years he also experienced my lonliness and his inability to understand why he was alone. For awhile he helped me and I felt grateful that someone has finally understood me and the fact that he was willing to be my friend. In my most depressed moment I felt like I final can make friends and move on with me life like everyone eles around me. I can finally change and be more outgoing and be more confident about myself. In reality nothing changed.

I'm still my old self for the past few week I have been socializing with this great friend of mine, but I noticed many things wrong about me. I'm always insecure about peoples judgement. This was a major problem whenever I talk to him I always felt as if I was bothering him or i said something to offend him. So when I talk to him I always say nevermind, am I bothering you or sorry for bothering you. After awhile I noticed it was a really bad problem I had with talking to people. I can't stop thinking that people are not interested in talking to me or they think im annoying to talk to when im actually already annoying them when I constantly say those things. I can never socialize with people properly nor can i have a sense of humor or make funny jokes like everyone. After years of being shut out I had never been able to properly talk to people, so socializing with me ends up in awkward silence. So I felt as if I could go to him whenever I had problems. I did he helped me but then i get insecure and say those stupid things. Whenever I want to talk to him I feel bad because one time he told me "what's annoying me the most is you constantly apologizing and shuting myself out". I can't really remeber the exact words, but I know he only said it to encourage me. Even though I knew I shouldn't have been so insecure around him. It got worse and I only kept doing it.

Now I can't help but say I feel as if he is avoiding me. I know because whenever we invite each other something happens or he dosen't reply. Whenever we talk it's always me looking for him and he never looks for me. As weird as it sounds i know when you have friends you look for each other and it's not one sided. What can I say because of my actions I ruined my chance to be like everyone eles. I always want to be hopeful that it isn't like this. So I looked I see him now and he isn't like me and I will never be like him. He is outgoing has many friends very humoress and isn't afraid to express himself. Nothing like he was in the past.

I'm such a failure.

 

[MrE1986]

Your not a failure, your self esteem is low. I know exactly how you feel, i was very similar for many years. Just be yourself and the people who matter will appreciate you for who you are. Dont worry about fitting in, just try to enjoy yourself and put less pressure on yourself.

Theres a forum chat available, the people on there are very nice and they always welcome a fresh face, feel free to join us

 

[mathguy]

Loneliness haunts me, I can never do anything to stop it. I can never make any friends and when I do I mess up our oppurtunity or our relationship.

Recently there was this person who sought me out and he helped me. He told me he had experienced the same stuff I had been going through now. He said that in his past years he also experienced my lonliness and his inability to understand why he was alone. For awhile he helped me and I felt grateful that someone has finally understood me and the fact that he was willing to be my friend. In my most depressed moment I felt like I final can make friends and move on with me life like everyone eles around me. I can finally change and be more outgoing and be more confident about myself. In reality nothing changed.

I'm still my old self for the past few week I have been socializing with this great friend of mine, but I noticed many things wrong about me. I'm always insecure about peoples judgement. This was a major problem whenever I talk to him I always felt as if I was bothering him or i said something to offend him. So when I talk to him I always say nevermind, am I bothering you or sorry for bothering you. After awhile I noticed it was a really bad problem I had with talking to people. I can't stop thinking that people are not interested in talking to me or they think im annoying to talk to when im actually already annoying them when I constantly say those things. I can never socialize with people properly nor can i have a sense of humor or make funny jokes like everyone. After years of being shut out I had never been able to properly talk to people, so socializing with me ends up in awkward silence. So I felt as if I could go to him whenever I had problems. I did he helped me but then i get insecure and say those stupid things. Whenever I want to talk to him I feel bad because one time he told me "what's annoying me the most is you constantly apologizing and shuting myself out". I can't really remeber the exact words, but I know he only said it to encourage me. Even though I knew I shouldn't have been so insecure around him. It got worse and I only kept doing it.

Now I can't help but say I feel as if he is avoiding me. I know because whenever we invite each other something happens or he dosen't reply. Whenever we talk it's always me looking for him and he never looks for me. As weird as it sounds i know when you have friends you look for each other and it's not one sided. What can I say because of my actions I ruined my chance to be like everyone eles. I always want to be hopeful that it isn't like this. So I looked I see him now and he isn't like me and I will never be like him. He is outgoing has many friends very humoress and isn't afraid to express himself. Nothing like he was in the past.

I'm such a failure.

I can relate to this real well. I am really insecure, too, and I usually end up asking people if I'm bothering them or if they're mad at me. I've had a lot of conversations just turn awkward - silence or weirdness or whatever. I'm slowly learning to not care so much when I'm awkward and have had some success making friends at school and elsewhere. I think the other reply is right when they said to just be yourself (although that can be a hard thing to do).

 

[bender22]

It sounds like you have a real scarcity mentality. Because you see him as one of your only friends and you don't believe you can make other friends you are too desperate to not lose him as a friend. This kind of mentality usually pushes people away from you.

You need to develop an abundance mentality, where you either have lots of friends or you believe you can make lots of friends. The only way you can achieve this is by going out and getting to know people. If you're not a naturally social person you just have to talk to a lot of people. Start off by getting this guy to introduce you to all his friends.

 

[Paul Meranda]

.. theres a forum chat here?

 

[Case]

I was inspired to show you your words in a different context. Hopefully, this is illuminating. Much of what you said is self-defeatism and negative. Nothing you said is impossible to improve upon. Only, you have to want to improve and do the work.

These are some phrases from your original post.

I can never do anything to stop it.
(Nonsense. Potential for improvement is everywhere you look.)

I can never make any friends
(Nonsense. Everyone can make a friend.)

...and when I do I mess up our oppurtunity or our relationship.
(This is fixable.)

...nothing changed.
(Nonsense. You gained a friend.)

...but I noticed many things wrong about me.
(All are fixable.)

I'm always insecure about peoples judgement.
(Also, fixable.)

I always felt as if I was bothering him or i said something to offend him.
(Too much worrying. Fixable.)

...people are not interested in talking to me.
(Nonsense. Give people a chance. Being sociable is a skill you learn. Fears and anxieties are stopping you from learning these skills.)

...or they think im annoying to talk to.
(More needless worrying. I guarantee you are not as annoying as you think you are.)

I can never socialize with people properly...
(Fixable.)

...nor can i have a sense of humor
(Humor can be stifled by fear. Once you deal with your fears, you'll regain your sense of humor.)

...socializing with me ends up in awkward silence.
(This fear of socializing can be overcome.)

...one time he told me "what's annoying me the most is you constantly apologizing and shuting myself out".
(Shutting yourself from people is your way of protecting yourself from pain, but it also pushes people away.)

It got worse and I only kept doing it.
(It got worse because you still felt fear and anxiety. If you don't tackle the reasons behind you pushing people away, nothing will change.)

...I feel as if he is avoiding me.
(Possibly. But the more you worry and agonize like we tend to do around here, the more he'll be pushed away. Try to fight that impulse. Reach out to him. If you can't, try to do better with the next friend.)

I ruined my chance to be like everyone eles.
(You'll never be like anyone but YOU. Embrace the greatness that is YOU. And embrace your inevitable path to a better and happier YOU.)

He is outgoing has many friends very humoress and isn't afraid to express himself.
(It's self-defeating to compare someone else's life to your own. Build the life you want for yourself and make small steps. You may never be completely confident in all situations, but you can work your way toward confidence.)

I'm such a failure.
(Welcome to the human race, an entire species of failures who learned from our errors and build vast cities, impressive monuments, and turned into better people. Without failure, there is no growth. Failures are the most important part of life because it tells us how we can succeed the next time.)

+++++++
Do some Google searches and read about "low self-esteem," "lack of confidence," "social anxiety," "socialization skills," and "self-motivation."

I'm sure you'll find a great deal of helpful reading. Thanks for sharing. I do hope you find a path toward happiness.

 

[rocky243]

I wish I could change. All I know is that it's my fault for pushing him away. I almost see him everyday now and I just think is there anything I can still do to fix our relationship. I really hope I can. I keep thinking maybe tommorow I'll suck it up and be more sociable but then I go back into my shell and not talk at all. All he has done is offer me help and i've done nothing to change myself. When I look back I think of all the things he has done for me too change and I just feel so depressed looking back at those moments. There were many times we talked on social networking and he's like ok we"ll talk tommorow but when its tommorow in reality we have nothing to say. After saying all these things I think I'm going insane because I'm falling inlove with him. I don't know anymore. All I can do is hope he still accepts me as a friend and is still willing to help me.

Thanks for everyone's support I hope things goes well.