Loneliness haunts me, I can never do anything to stop it. I can never make any friends and when I do I mess up our oppurtunity or our relationship.
Recently there was this person who sought me out and he helped me. He told me he had experienced the same stuff I had been going through now. He said that in his past years he also experienced my lonliness and his inability to understand why he was alone. For awhile he helped me and I felt grateful that someone has finally understood me and the fact that he was willing to be my friend. In my most depressed moment I felt like I final can make friends and move on with me life like everyone eles around me. I can finally change and be more outgoing and be more confident about myself. In reality nothing changed.
I'm still my old self for the past few week I have been socializing with this great friend of mine, but I noticed many things wrong about me. I'm always insecure about peoples judgement. This was a major problem whenever I talk to him I always felt as if I was bothering him or i said something to offend him. So when I talk to him I always say nevermind, am I bothering you or sorry for bothering you. After awhile I noticed it was a really bad problem I had with talking to people. I can't stop thinking that people are not interested in talking to me or they think im annoying to talk to when im actually already annoying them when I constantly say those things. I can never socialize with people properly nor can i have a sense of humor or make funny jokes like everyone. After years of being shut out I had never been able to properly talk to people, so socializing with me ends up in awkward silence. So I felt as if I could go to him whenever I had problems. I did he helped me but then i get insecure and say those stupid things. Whenever I want to talk to him I feel bad because one time he told me "what's annoying me the most is you constantly apologizing and shuting myself out". I can't really remeber the exact words, but I know he only said it to encourage me. Even though I knew I shouldn't have been so insecure around him. It got worse and I only kept doing it.
Now I can't help but say I feel as if he is avoiding me. I know because whenever we invite each other something happens or he dosen't reply. Whenever we talk it's always me looking for him and he never looks for me. As weird as it sounds i know when you have friends you look for each other and it's not one sided. What can I say because of my actions I ruined my chance to be like everyone eles. I always want to be hopeful that it isn't like this. So I looked I see him now and he isn't like me and I will never be like him. He is outgoing has many friends very humoress and isn't afraid to express himself. Nothing like he was in the past.
I'm such a failure.
Recently there was this person who sought me out and he helped me. He told me he had experienced the same stuff I had been going through now. He said that in his past years he also experienced my lonliness and his inability to understand why he was alone. For awhile he helped me and I felt grateful that someone has finally understood me and the fact that he was willing to be my friend. In my most depressed moment I felt like I final can make friends and move on with me life like everyone eles around me. I can finally change and be more outgoing and be more confident about myself. In reality nothing changed.
I'm still my old self for the past few week I have been socializing with this great friend of mine, but I noticed many things wrong about me. I'm always insecure about peoples judgement. This was a major problem whenever I talk to him I always felt as if I was bothering him or i said something to offend him. So when I talk to him I always say nevermind, am I bothering you or sorry for bothering you. After awhile I noticed it was a really bad problem I had with talking to people. I can't stop thinking that people are not interested in talking to me or they think im annoying to talk to when im actually already annoying them when I constantly say those things. I can never socialize with people properly nor can i have a sense of humor or make funny jokes like everyone. After years of being shut out I had never been able to properly talk to people, so socializing with me ends up in awkward silence. So I felt as if I could go to him whenever I had problems. I did he helped me but then i get insecure and say those stupid things. Whenever I want to talk to him I feel bad because one time he told me "what's annoying me the most is you constantly apologizing and shuting myself out". I can't really remeber the exact words, but I know he only said it to encourage me. Even though I knew I shouldn't have been so insecure around him. It got worse and I only kept doing it.
Now I can't help but say I feel as if he is avoiding me. I know because whenever we invite each other something happens or he dosen't reply. Whenever we talk it's always me looking for him and he never looks for me. As weird as it sounds i know when you have friends you look for each other and it's not one sided. What can I say because of my actions I ruined my chance to be like everyone eles. I always want to be hopeful that it isn't like this. So I looked I see him now and he isn't like me and I will never be like him. He is outgoing has many friends very humoress and isn't afraid to express himself. Nothing like he was in the past.
I'm such a failure.