Obsessive People

[Locke]

A lot of people have smaller obsessions, like making sure their doors are locked, or their shoes are tied, little things like that. But have you ever run across someone who gets obsessed with other people?

I have had this problem before, because I'm friendly and tend to be affectionate to those I like. I've always been that way; when I like someone, I tell them that I like them.

There was this new girl at work a few months ago, and we hit it off right away. She seemed friendly and cool for the most part, and I was nice to her. After awhile though, it became clear that she wanted more than a friendship. I told her that I wasn't interested, but that didn't do much good. She started to get really obsessive: She would keep tabs on me, get jealous when I talked to other people, and become depressed when we weren't talking. She wasn't in love with me, we barely knew each other. She was very insecure about herself, and I think she would have latched on to anyone who showed her any kind of affection. From what I heard at the office, she has done the same with others. She likes guys who deep down she knows aren't right for her, usually younger men. It's like she's just insecure and wants someone to make her feel young and capable of being loved.

I think sometimes people start to feel so alone that they feel they're not worthy of attention from others, and once they get that attention, they take it too far or get a little lost in it. I'm not obsessive, but I can be clingy at times, so I can see how it might happen.

Has anyone else come across people like this, and how did you handle it?

 

[Siertes]

A lot of people have smaller obsessions, like making sure their doors are locked, or their shoes are tied, little things like that. But have you ever run across someone who gets obsessed with other people?

I have had this problem before, because I'm friendly and tend to be affectionate to those I like. I've always been that way; when I like someone, I tell them that I like them.

There was this new girl at work a few months ago, and we hit it off right away. She seemed friendly and cool for the most part, and I was nice to her. After awhile though, it became clear that she wanted more than a friendship. I told her that I wasn't interested, but that didn't do much good. She started to get really obsessive: She would keep tabs on me, get jealous when I talked to other people, and become depressed when we weren't talking. She wasn't in love with me, we barely knew each other. She was very insecure about herself, and I think she would have latched on to anyone who showed her any kind of affection. From what I heard at the office, she has done the same with others. She likes guys who deep down she knows aren't right for her, usually younger men. It's like she's just insecure and wants someone to make her feel young and capable of being loved.

I think sometimes people start to feel so alone that they feel they're not worthy of attention from others, and once they get that attention, they take it too far or get a little lost in it. I'm not obsessive, but I can be clingy at times, so I can see how it might happen.

Has anyone else come across people like this, and how did you handle it?

For someone who has only been around a few months, this new girl must have been a fast mover to become so figured out by you and your office mates!

I think the first thing to remember in situations like these is to not assume so much about other people. I'm seeing a lot of "think" and perceptions presented as fact coming through. You talk about this girl like you've been studying her intently the entire time XD. It sounds like a poor match mixed with stupid office chatter. Save the psychoanalysis for the professionals and the office gossip to the children.

With that out of the way, her behavior does sound rather unhealthy. How exactly was she keeping tabs on you and how did you know she was jealous when you talked to others? If it's talking between coworkers, that's pretty weird thing to get jealous over. And I'm imagining some girl peering menacingly over a cubicle wall at you LOL. Is she revealing her jealousy and depression to you herself? Did you have some in between friend who updated you on the tabs she was keeping on you? Lot of tab keeping going on in this office!

In my opinion, the best way to deal with these situations is to let them fade out. Once you've made your feelings clear, there's little more you can do. Be civil and professional in your workplace with her if you can, go to your higher ups if you can't, but don't let it turn into "He said, she said" kind of crap and don't add fuel to the fire with behind the back whispers your coworkers already seem to be doing with you.

Still find it amazing that she's done this with others enough to be able to hear stuff at the office in so short a time. Speedy Gonzales here, or I'm just confused on the time frame lol. Semantics blah blah

 

[9006]

I think sometimes people start to feel so alone that they feel they're not worthy of attention from others, and once they get that attention, they take it too far or get a little lost in it. I'm not obsessive, but I can be clingy at times, so I can see how it might happen.

Maybe, but some people have an clingy personality naturally. I see what you describe often, and it's happened to me in the past. It's like they focus all their energy and time on one person and it's all that matters, people with these traits are hard to shake off and to be honest the best way is when they become obsessed with someone else - at least that was in my experience.

In your case it seems she already has a reputation for this, it's so difficult because often people like this don't realize their behavior is wrong. Minimal (if ANY) communication is best. Again, going back to my experience any communication is a mistake, it's like giving them hope or something, you can't become just friends with someone like this.

 

[Locke]

For someone who has only been around a few months, this new girl must have been a fast mover to become so figured out by you and your office mates!

She is a fast mover, the behavior I described makes that obvious. Other than that, it's a small town.

I think the first thing to remember in situations like these is to not assume so much about other people. I'm seeing a lot of "think" and perceptions presented as fact coming through. You talk about this girl like you've been studying her intently the entire time XD. It sounds like a poor match mixed with stupid office chatter. Save the psychoanalysis for the professionals and the office gossip to the children.

I used the word "think" because it's my opinion. I never used the word "fact", you did. You're the one assuming things. I've had time to think things over, which is why I came to this opinion. When people are put through emotional hell, they have every right and reason to analyze the person responsible, so save the pointless judgements on my opinion.

With that out of the way, her behavior does sound rather unhealthy. How exactly was she keeping tabs on you and how did you know she was jealous when you talked to others? If it's talking between coworkers, that's pretty weird thing to get jealous over. And I'm imagining some girl peering menacingly over a cubicle wall at you LOL. Is she revealing her jealousy and depression to you herself?

She would talk about killing herself because she was so alone, she used emotional blackmail on a daily basis, and she followed me around. And yes, she revealed her jealousy and depression to me quite a bit. Even if she hadn't, jealousy is easy to spot, especially when it's obsessive.

In my opinion, the best way to deal with these situations is to let them fade out. Once you've made your feelings clear, there's little more you can do. Be civil and professional in your workplace with her if you can, go to your higher ups if you can't, but don't let it turn into "He said, she said" kind of crap and don't add fuel to the fire with behind the back whispers your coworkers already seem to be doing with you.

You would think that the best way to deal with it is let it fade out, but obsessive people do not let it go. She was relentless. She was very unbalanced and insecure. One minute she would be perfectly calm and rational, and the next she would fall into a deep depression and grow jealous and possesive.

Still find it amazing that she's done this with others enough to be able to hear stuff at the office in so short a time. Speedy Gonzales here, or I'm just confused on the time frame lol. Semantics blah blah

I think you're assuming that this is an average, healthy person I'm talking about, and it's not. I have to wonder if you've actually ever had to deal with someone like that.

One more thing: The constant Lol'ing and disbelief makes it obvious that you don't take my thread seriously, which gives me no reason to take anything you say seriously. I'm trying to, just to be polite, but this will be the last time I'm polite if you repeat this behavior. Try to do the adult thing next time and say what you think without using this childish passive aggresive act you've got going on. It's kind of sad. Don't you have anything better to do?

In your case it seems she already has a reputation for this, it's so difficult because often people like this don't realize their behavior is wrong. Minimal (if ANY) communication is best. Again, going back to my experience any communication is a mistake, it's like giving them hope or something, you can't become just friends with someone like this.

You're right, I don't think she realized that her behavior was wrong, which is why people like this always end up alone. They cling to one person, it doesn't end well, and they start all over again. It was definitely clinginess, but I know she was very insecure as well, and I think that had a lot to do with it. She doesn't get that her obsession and jealousy is why no one wants to be with her.

 

[Paul Meranda]

"I think sometimes people start to feel so alone that they feel they're not worthy of attention from others, and once they get that attention, they take it too far or get a little lost in it."

my christmas and new years plans were ruined because i may or may not have been that guy with a very close female friend of mine..

 

[Locke]

"I think sometimes people start to feel so alone that they feel they're not worthy of attention from others, and once they get that attention, they take it too far or get a little lost in it."

my christmas and new years plans were ruined because i may or may not have been that guy with a very close female friend of mine..

I'm sorry to hear about your plans. What happened? (If you want to share)

 

[Paul Meranda]

i think ive just tried too hard. we had plans for her to stay xmas eve, then she cancelled that to just xmas day. turns out, she neglected to tell me until two days before that she had to work that day. i didnt lash out at her but i didnt exactly take it well. she wrote a long message to me about how she was pissed at her work for making her take a shift that day and said it broke her heart. all i said back was 'mine too..' i havent reached out to her since.. we've talked a small bit since then but, .. i dont see the relationship ever being the same. the quote you wrote above was a perfect way to describe how i feel about the situation, so i just wanted .. -- i dont know, i liked it. it was perfect. the people at this forums have some great output.

[EDIT] though, it does kind of scare me that i can feel even how much the Admins have been/are hurt here..

 

[Locke]

i think ive just tried too hard. we had plans for her to stay xmas eve, then she cancelled that to just xmas day. turns out, she neglected to tell me until two days before that she had to work that day. i didnt lash out at her but i didnt exactly take it well. she wrote a long message to me about how she was pissed at her work for making her take a shift that day and said it broke her heart. all i said back was 'mine too..' i havent reached out to her since.. we've talked a small bit since then but, .. i dont see the relationship ever being the same. the quote you wrote above was a perfect way to describe how i feel about the situation, so i just wanted .. -- i dont know, i liked it. it was perfect. the people at this forums have some great output.

[EDIT] though, it does kind of scare me that i can feel even how much the Admins have been/are hurt here..

I think almost anyone would have been hurt over her canceling at the last minute like that. It's easy to daydream a little, especially when you're lonely. You seem like a nice guy, I hope she realizes canceling was a mistake, and tries to make up for it.

 

[Siertes]

Wow, no need to feel so threatened by another's words. You just presented this with such a "matter of fact" way of speaking about someone else that I had to say something. Opinion or not, the way you spoke of her was way too reminiscent of the way I'm sure a lot of people here have felt judged by others all their lives but I suppose I cant help it if you dont see the parallel in the situation. Become the whispered about and the judged. Let me know how it feels. This probably isnt the topic for it so I'll let it go but I had to share how it made me feel.

Anyway most of the issues sound like things that should have been brought to the attention of HR personnel immediately. In a work place environment, that is how this situation is handled.

And please dont assume just because I had issues with your presentation that I cant identify with your situation. Of course my story involves the the girl turning out to be a murderer the day before we were supposed to hang out so forgive me for being a little light hearted at moments. A little loling never hurt anyone

 

[Locke]

Wow, no need to feel so threatened by another's words. You just presented this with such a "matter of fact" way of speaking about someone else that I had to say something. Opinion or not, the way you spoke of her was way too reminiscent of the way I'm sure a lot of people here have felt judged by others all their lives but I suppose I cant help it if you dont see the parallel in the situation. Become the whispered about and the judged. Let me know how it feels. This probably isnt the topic for it so I'll let it go but I had to share how it made me feel.

Anyway most of the issues sound like things that should have been brought to the attention of HR personnel immediately. In a work place environment, that is how this situation is handled.

And please dont assume just because I had issues with your presentation that I cant identify with your situation. Of course my story involves the the girl turning out to be a murderer the day before we were supposed to hang out so forgive me for being a little light hearted at moments. A little loling never hurt anyone

I'm not threatened by your words in the least, but that does not mean I will put up with rudeness and arrogance. You dealt with the way my thread made you feel by being snide, sarcastic and judgemental, when you could have just as easily told me about how it made you feel. See, I tell people what I think without childish games, which is what I did with you. Your approach comes off as cowardly, and now that I've pointed your passive aggressive attitude out, you claim that it was "light-heartedness".

Well, whatever...you obviously have nothing to add. For your own sake, I hope you figure out that this kind of thing hurts you more than helps. Sorry to disappoint, but I refuse to play a "fake nice game" with you. I don't have patience for people who play word games, and you obviously weren't being nice. Good luck with the next person you try it on though.

 

[Siertes]

Wow, no need to feel so threatened by another's words. You just presented this with such a "matter of fact" way of speaking about someone else that I had to say something. Opinion or not, the way you spoke of her was way too reminiscent of the way I'm sure a lot of people here have felt judged by others all their lives but I suppose I cant help it if you dont see the parallel in the situation. Become the whispered about and the judged. Let me know how it feels. This probably isnt the topic for it so I'll let it go but I had to share how it made me feel.

Anyway most of the issues sound like things that should have been brought to the attention of HR personnel immediately. In a work place environment, that is how this situation is handled.

And please dont assume just because I had issues with your presentation that I cant identify with your situation. Of course my story involves the the girl turning out to be a murderer the day before we were supposed to hang out so forgive me for being a little light hearted at moments. A little loling never hurt anyone

I'm not threatened by your words in the least, but that does not mean I will put up with rudeness and arrogance. You dealt with the way my thread made you feel by being snide, sarcastic and judgemental, when you could have just as easily told me about how it made you feel. See, I tell people what I think without childish games, which is what I did with you. Your approach comes off as cowardly, and now that I've pointed your passive aggressive attitude out, you claim that it was "light-heartedness".

Well, whatever...you obviously have nothing to add. For your own sake, I hope you figure out that this kind of thing hurts you more than helps. Sorry to disappoint, but I refuse to play a "fake nice game" with you. I don't have patience for people who play word games, and you obviously weren't being nice. Good luck with the next person you try it on though.

Wow...just...wow.

The topic is yours buddy. Enjoy.

 

[Locke]

Wow...just...wow.
The topic is yours buddy. Enjoy.

You're right, it is my topic. Feel free to stay out of all my threads from here on out, because I will not put up with your poor behavior. Again, good luck playing childish games with the next people you try it on.

Go on, run away

 

[EveWasFramed]

Cut it the fresia out - everyone.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I had to deal with an obsessive person back in high school. I knew this girl since second grade too, apparently that's when she developed a crush on me ever since I opened her pudding cup for her. Other kids would tease her because she had a speech impediment, I was friends with her.

Fast forward ten years later I found out how bad that crush was. She transferred high schools and of course having known her I invited her to come hang out with me and my friends. Things were fine at first, then she started asking me out, I told her know because she was my friend and I didn't have the same feelings for her. I also learned how needy she was, always wanting my attention, getting jealous if I talked with my other friends, the majority who were female, and trying to pull me away all the time to talk. There was drama going on with one of my other friends too which would get to me sometimes. She'd ask what was wrong the would always start talking about herself and her problems, never talking about mine even though she would ask. She wouldn't give up on wanting to date me, and I started to get the feeling that when we went out as a group she'd treat it as a date. There were a few times she'd get mad if I didn't talk to her and talked with my other friends. I ended up finding out that is exactly what she was trying to do, one of my friends eventually confided that in me, that this girl was using them to try to have a "date" with me.

Every time this girl would ask me out I kept giving her the same answer, I even told her bluntly that I didn't feel the same about her and those feelings would never change. We were friends and that is as far as it would ever go, no further no matter what she tried. Well, come Christmas time we had a party. Things got changed at the last minute because of the friend with all the drama, location was changed and we had to figure out how to get people over. I didn't want this girl to come, as far as we knew she thought it was cancelled (later to find out differently). My brother and another friend invited her anyway. When the girl got there she took a Santa hat I had and told me I could have it back when I kissed her. I told her to keep it. All night this girl would follow me around and annoy me when I was trying to talk to my other friends. She finally decided to plan a kiss on my cheek and then asked if I felt any different about her. I was pissed off, I growled at her no, then I walked away before I said something worse. I found out that she had been planning this stunt all along.

So after that I wouldn't talk to this girl anymore because it was obvious she wouldn't take no for an answer. My brother and another friend played an April Fools prank on her and told her I really did like her but didn't want anyone to know. She starts to follow me around again and when I had enough and wanted to know what she was doing she tells me that she knows how I really feel. I was not impressed with how she got such a notion in her head and she tells me what my brother and friend had said. I was pissed, I told them to tell her the truth.

This girl would still hang around us, even though she was not welcome anymore. Most of my friends were on my side, some didn't like her anyway. Some even got down right mean to her calling her names, at that point I didn't care, I had been nice to this girl and spoke up when people teased her and look where it got me. She ruined a friendship, I had known this girl for just over half my life at that time. She even tried to reconcile and be friends but I told her no, she had proven she couldn't and I even asked her if she could just be friends with me even if I was dating someone else. She couldn't even answer.

So there's my long story about an obsessive person. I have another one that doesn't directly concern me except it was the drama friend who was obsessed with my brother and one of our friends. That was some crazy honeysuckle.

 

[Locke]

Wow Sci, that is crazy. Pretty crappy of your brother to lie to her like that, it all might have ended sooner had he not said that to her. Between the lie and telling her about the party, it sounds like he made it worse. I can kind of relate to the girl: I had a speech impediment when I was a kid, and I was teased about it constantly.

I wonder if there was something about her (or you) that made her more obsessive, or if it was partly her age. It's hard to remain friends with someone when one person loves the other. It's possible, but hard, especially when you're a teenager.

---

I was obsessed with this one girl in high school. She was popular, pretty, and for whatever reason, she was nice to me. I asked her out a few times, and she always said no. On Halloween night when I was 15, me and this girl were at a party together, and being dumb teenagers, we drank a couple of beers. We talked all night, and she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend. One thing led to another, and we ended up in this big walk-in closet for the night....

I tried calling her and talking to her several times in the following days, because after that night I was convinced that I was in love with her. She kept blowing me off, or saying yes to a date and not showing up. The third time (I think) this happened, she didn't show up again. Her boyfriend did. The boyfriend and a few of his friends beat me up pretty badly. I called her a day later, and it turned out that she was only using me to make him jealous, and when I wouldn't back off, she sent him after me.

A lot of it was my faullt because I was so obsessed with her. I should have taken the hint the first time she didn't show up. I regret losing my virginity to that girl, but I learned a lesson: Obsession rarely pays off for either party. I started dating the girl who would one day become my wife a few months later, so I'm glad it happened, in a way.

 

[Gutted]

My last girlfriend was like this. I just found it a little weird and I tried to remain normal. Eventually she got really bothered by something I was doing in my life and went. Problem solved.

 

[Paul Meranda]

Sci and Locke's posts gave me a bit of positive insight. Like i said earlier, ive been on the giving end of one of these situations, and its hard to tell yourself to quit at a certain point.. i guess i was lucky, and didnt go ape-honeysuckle crazy to this person about my feelings, but its hard to remember that some people out there just dont know when to stop..

Locke, ... that's a messed up situation, seriously. but im glad youve moved past it.