ok i need help

[whispers]

It fucks me up, i've just had a few hours sleep and i feel worse. I was hoping i would feel a bit better. now i'm not tired at all and i'm affraid of what i might do if i dont sleep, all i do is think. I am not alone in the house, but everyone has left me alone. I feel lonely, i need to be held but i was so distant earlyer that no one will approach me.
I have been an emotional mess for the past week, i'm probably too much to handle.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm here, if you want to talk.

 

[Runciter]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. What is it that is causing you trouble?

If you need anything just ask. We're here to help.

 

[Locke]

I hope you're okay, whispers. Like Muse and Runciter said, we're here if you need to talk.

 

[whispers]

I have been out of medication for more than a week. The doctor doesnt seem to think it is urgent to renew my prescription. I have been very impulsive in the past. The meds dont stop the whole thing but i seem to be rational and emotions are not as amplified.
At first it was ok, i felt more alive, i've been on those meds for most of my life. Felt good not to be numb. Everything is amplified as i said, so when things go well it is great.
But today started awfull, i work part time at two places. I had booked a few clients at one place, making it perfect because i am expecting company. ( my company has to drive 5 h and can only stay 2 days). But the other place i work called up this morning to say they have booked clients for me tommorow and thursday. This is an hour from my home. How could this happen ?? who would book me without even asking if i am available ? Wow, i know this person meant well, but i have a life too. Anyway i will be working both days rushing from one place to the other (to get to one place to the other it takes 1h30.
I will hardly see my visitors, my boyfriend made it clear that we need the money, and complained when i asked for gas and grocerie money. So i scrached up enough money to put gas in my car to go to work and didnt do any groceries.
I feel bad that i will probably be serving, soup and hot dogs to people who come and see me once a year. Then again, that person just texted me to say she was coming without notice...WTF people.

To make things worse, i received a letter that says that my child benefits are discontinued...probably because my boyfriend makes too much money...
I was counting on that money to pay for my rent at work, this is a new job that would mean less traveling and more stability. Plus other bills that i pay off when the check comes.

So i have a couple of days to find that money, and also pay my boyfriend back, i had to borrow money for mrdical expenses for my daughter.

um, did i mention that this is all amplified ??? I'm a mess.
I'm selling my jewelery and whatever else i can find, hope this gives me enough. I think the new business opportunity is out of the question...i am confused.
i'm stuck, i dont feel strong enough.
Tonigh i needed to cry but with the kids in the house i decided to go for a ride. It was one of the most dangerous drive i had, every time i saw a bridge or a rock wall i had a strong urge to just drive into it. Then i started thinking of other ways to end my life. Then the dispair came, i came back home not remembering the last part ofmy drive. All i know is that someting shifted inside me. Like i dont care anymore. A numbness, but not the kind that alleviates pain...the kind that makes me not care anymore, about anything or anyone, the destructive kind. Maybe i will not commit suicide, maybe i will just screw up my relationship or my job, or the secure life i have been able to provide for my children
long post i know, sorry, i just dont have any friends here. This forum is my only safe place to discuss this

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

That is awful, Whispers. I can't imagine having to go through that.

Is there any way you can convince your doctor that you need your medication? I have a feeling that one of the main reasons you feel this way is because of that. Otherwise, you'd probably be able to tackle this head on.

 

[Runciter]

I feel for you.

I really can't relate to what you're going through and hard it must be for you. I've had money troubles before but then I don't have children to know about so it seems pretty trivial in comparison.

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, though I'm sure someone will have. I know it's hard but try to stay strong, if not for you then the kids. They deserve to have their mother, they're innocent in all this. Things wont always be this tough, even if you can't see a way out at the moment. You never know what is around the corner and without experiencing all the honeysuckle in life you'd never appreciate the good things.

I really do hope things improve for you, I know I haven't been a great deal of help but I'm thinking of you.

 

[Edward W]

Whispers, I don't really know you, and I haven't been in your situation.

Firstly - You need to tell the doctor how you are feeling, what this is doing to you. Sounds like right now you would benefit from them

Second - Sounds like your boyfriend needs to hit the road, if he won't support you and leave you in this state, selling off all your things just to try and feed your family and get to work.

Thirdly - Please do not do anything, your children need you. Please hold on. We're here for you, I've seen a lot of support for you in just the last few hours. Keep talking to us.

I don't know where you are, but are there any churches or food banks in your area? Maybe they can help?

I'm sure if you explain some of what's going on to your sister she will understand. Maybe she can help?

From time to time we ALL need some help.

Please take what you can, I hope things will get better for you. Just keep talking to us.

 

[whispers]

Thanks for beeing there, i'm not realy looking for advice...i know what i need and what i should do. All i need is support, to make sure i dont do anything stupid. Like if i wouldnt be writing right now i'd probably be driving around looking for a good spot to drown myself.
I know that probably tommorow things will get better, i sure hope so anyway.
The doctor knows how much i need that medication, she has had me in emerge not to long ago with suicidal thoughts and she increased my dosage. I'm not even sure she got the request, her secretary seems to forget alot. But there is no way of reaching her directly, unless i go to emerge and then...well they will keep me. I know they will, they almost did last time and i was much better than i am today. i'll update tommorow, i think i will be able to sleep a bit now. Thank you, nice to know there is someone out there to listen.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey whispers, I just responded to your post in the thinking thread suggesting you keep us updated on how things are going so we could give you some moral support - which is exactly what you're looking for, right?

Yes, you know what you want and what to do and because they are all so overwhelming, you just want to give up. But please don't. Everytime you feel that way, try to keep yourself distracted. Like you say, writing all this down does in a way prevent you from driving which will then tempt you to do something stupid.

So keep writing here, or read up on other threads and see how you can stay doing something that will not tempt you to do negative things. You can keep it together, you can do it, whispers. Music.. maybe music might help? And yes, update tomorrow. Hope you will feel better, if not much at least a little. Take care, whispers.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Whispers...
Are you in the US?

 

[whispers]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. To everyone, Eve no i am in canada. Edward D, i am over dramatic when i get insecure and scared, and see things and read signs that are realy not there, my boyfriend is very loving and generous, but i guess hes got his money stress too. Today he was working hard to find out how to get my child benefit back.
SAdly the churches in my area are a gathering place for gossips, but when i was in my hometown i liked to go to the church to find peace.

So today i tackled one problem at a time...went to work, and got a big tip, that never happens in my area of work !!! Then i arranged an appointment with my social worker, man shes good we got my med back, figured out what was the trigger. I then explained it to my boyfriend aand he was just happy i was getting better. He has found some professionals in the field that can help me get my child benefits faster than the conventional way..
Turns out my company brought a big cooler full of food, so i dont have to go broke, having her here
For those who know me, i guess you know that i react very strongly and sometimes in an irrational way...but with help to go through that short period of darkness, i always bounce back and tackle evrything i need to change or fix to reclaim the peace i have worked so hard to have in my life.
Thanks again, without your help i know it could bea whole different story.

 

[ladyforsaken]

That's great, whispers. I'm glad things are looking up for you now.

 

[Runciter]

I'm happy for you whispers, I hope this run of positivity continues!

 

[Edward W]

Hey! That's great news! I'm really glad things are positive and looking up. There's always hope, right?

Awesomez!

PS Edward D?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Good to hear things are looking up for you.