Marginal
Member
Hi. The other day a handsome young man of around 23 asked me if I wanted to have coffee. I was immediately flustered and said, "To talk about [what I do for a living]?" He said yes. I offered him my card. Then I though my heart was going to pound out of my chest. Is this kid asking me out? Why would he ask me out? He's not asking me out. I felt completely foolish, ashamed, old, ugly. Turned out he wanted career advice. Nothing wrong with that.
15 years ago I was pretty and smart. Prone to depression and isolation, but never lacking a date. Not lonely. I preferred my own company to that of acquaintances.
Then I almost got married. And when I didn't get married, I decided that was that. No more relationships. No more men.
Now it's 15 years later...I have a college degree, a graduate degree, and a career I love, for the most part. I have two friends, two dogs, and a cat. I have debts and responsibilities. I have stretch marks and wrinkles. My life feels too full, yet completely empty. I look at other people and wonder how they manage. I'm annoyed at people with children, mostly because I'm jealous. I've become that person.
I guess I'm just lonely, getting more so everyday. It does get harder as I get older.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's been so long since I've been asked out by a man, I've forgotten what it really looks like. And I'm pretty lonely. So that's why I'm here. To maybe see if I can find a way to reach out. If I can't have kids and I can't have a family, maybe I can at least find a way to love again. Or at least find a way to chat with a man without having a panic attack. Have I mentioned I'm terrified of men and relationships? Anyway, one step at a time, right?
That's pretty much it. It's all fairly embarrassing, but hopefully there are people here like me. Thanks for reading.
Hmmmm...maybe this post wasn't a very friendly way to say hello...sorry about that. I really am very friendly. Grrrrr....
15 years ago I was pretty and smart. Prone to depression and isolation, but never lacking a date. Not lonely. I preferred my own company to that of acquaintances.
Then I almost got married. And when I didn't get married, I decided that was that. No more relationships. No more men.
Now it's 15 years later...I have a college degree, a graduate degree, and a career I love, for the most part. I have two friends, two dogs, and a cat. I have debts and responsibilities. I have stretch marks and wrinkles. My life feels too full, yet completely empty. I look at other people and wonder how they manage. I'm annoyed at people with children, mostly because I'm jealous. I've become that person.
I guess I'm just lonely, getting more so everyday. It does get harder as I get older.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's been so long since I've been asked out by a man, I've forgotten what it really looks like. And I'm pretty lonely. So that's why I'm here. To maybe see if I can find a way to reach out. If I can't have kids and I can't have a family, maybe I can at least find a way to love again. Or at least find a way to chat with a man without having a panic attack. Have I mentioned I'm terrified of men and relationships? Anyway, one step at a time, right?
That's pretty much it. It's all fairly embarrassing, but hopefully there are people here like me. Thanks for reading.
Hmmmm...maybe this post wasn't a very friendly way to say hello...sorry about that. I really am very friendly. Grrrrr....
