Out of the country

[Vallis]

It’s 5am and I’m up writing this. I got a problem that’s been stressing me for the past two days, and I desparately need help.

My girlfriend of 21/2 years left for Germany a week ago. She goes back every summer to visit her mum for a month.

We’ve had problems about this before. Last year she flew home, she came back wanting to break up. It seems like everytime she goes home, she has quiet time to think by herself, some honeysuckle happens or threatens to happen. She’s assured me it won’t happen again this year. She said she would email or call me everyday. Knowing her personality, I didn’t really believe her, so I took those words with a grain of salt, but hoping it’d be different this time.

Things went well last week (Week 1). She texted me when she got off the plane. Emailed me everyday as she promised. Gave me her phone number to call as it was more expensive for her to dial me.

On Sunday night (Pacific Time), I called her and she was just getting on the train with her mom to visit her aunt. The phone cut out. I haven’t heard from her since. It’s now Wednesday morning.

I’ve sent an email. Got nothing back.

I left it for a couple days cuz I thought she might be busy. But it’s now the 3rd day. And I’m becoming increasingly stressed. So much for her promise of daily emails - she hasn’t emailed me at all this week (unlike Week 1). It has been very difficult for me to fall asleep. Everytime I do, I have nightmares about last year, when our relationship didn’t go so well after she flew home. I’m terrified of a repeat.

Her assurances before she left seem like empty words to me now. Her actions seem perilously heading towards like last year. And I'm very jittery right now trying to stave off that from happening again.

I don’t know what to do. Am I overreacting?

 

[Limlim]

Emailing every day is a little much, I personally wouldn't want to bother. But if she starts to have doubts every time she leaves It doesn't really bode well. Id let her go.

 

[passage]

Yes, you are overreacting. Acting this way will probably makes her uncomfortable, and will lead to the exact opposite of what you want (her wanting to break up). Stop being so clingy. Really, you want her to call/email you about everything she does? "Hey I just got off the plane". "hey I just went to the toilet"...etc.Thats a little bit crazy IMO. Let her enjoy her time in Germany without having to worry about you. And you should enjoy your time as well.

That was a little harsh, but really, isn't a skype call 1-2 times a week enough? And if you are woried that you two will break up or she will cheat...etc then maybe, just maybe it is for the best.

I say this because I've seen it many times where boyfriends are too clingy, and the girl breaks up, becomes more distant, or simply cheats. For example, my roommate had his gf over, and he is really a control freak with her. I spent a few hours with her showing her the city, and to make a long story short, she would/has cheated on him.

Codependency is not a good thing.

 

[Vallis]

I just called twice (no one there) and sent her an email. I suppose that's all I could do at this point.

So calling every other day is too much??

I don't really handle stressful situations well... it usually ends up with me drunk. Thanks for your input.

 

[LoneKiller]

She's Seeing Someone Else.

 

[Vallis]

She sent me an email earlier today. But when I tried calling her phone, it tells me "the number is no longer in service" ... whcih I find weird ... I mean if she changed numbers, she would have told me. And her cell was working just on Wednesday. I don't know what to do anymore

 

[Rigel]

Maybe you should have a frank talk with her about your relationship when she comes back and how you feel about things.

 

[Vallis]

I may not be able to last until then. There's still 2 more weeks until she gets back. She emailed me yesterday so I know shes ok. But having a number I can't dial doesn't sit well with me.

The problem is I have an exam for school next week. And if I'm worried/ distracted by this, I most likely won't do well. Now you see why I'm trying to hold up mood. And if I could call her, or just hear back from her, that would really give me a boost

 

[ajdass1]

If I went back home and my significant other wanted to email every day and call ever other day, I'd feel pretty smothered. Sure, they're my partner, but I haven't been home in a year... I haven't seen my old friends, my family, I haven't eaten the food or been in those familiar places. On top of that, travelling is stressful, dealing with family can sometimes be stressful. The whole point of going back is to visit home and have a good time... not to be constantly worrying whether my partner is feeling lonely without me. I mean, of *course* being separated from your partner for that long is going to be hard. But if keeping in touch becomes a time-consuming chore, how much are you going to look forward to seeing them again?

Saying "YOU MUST BE IN CONSTANT CONTACT WITH ME" is a lot of pressure to put on someone who wants to be enjoying themselves. To be honest it does come off as clingy, and as if you don't trust her. Regardless of what's happened in the past when she came back, it doesn't seem healthy now. It's obviously not doing anything for your peace of mind.

If emailing everyday and calling every other day happens naturally then that's fine. But forcing it, I think is not a good idea. My sister moved back home to Malaysia a couple of years ago. She and her boyfriend kept in touch and called on Thursday night every week like clockwork over Skype. This was going on for the better part of a year while her boyfriend got ready to move out there, eventually he did, and they are still really solid as a couple.

On the other hand, if you're getting this stressed about it, is it fair on you? Like Rigel says, it's a good idea to talk about this with her when she gets back.

 

[Vallis]

This is what's distressing me the most:

- Numbers that don't work (apparently it's been cancelled)
- Phones that cut out.
- Emails with no regularity (sometimes she does it daily... sometimes, not once in 3 days).


It's weird, isn't it? I mean, you'd think she tell me if the number has been cancelled? that's not asking for much is it?

All this is causing a huge strain on me. When she was here, we talked/texted every day.

Since she flew home, theres is no pattern, no regularity. It gives me no security. And it worries me. Most of the time I worry in silence. I can understand her wanting to be with family and friends; and its important for her. I don't bother her everyday. In fact, I'm fairly reactive. Mostly I just reply to what she says.

But this 'number not working' thing has me really worked up this time.

 

[Gutted]

Worry not man. What will be, will be. Just be cool. Think carefully about what you want to do and why you feel the way you do. If you're worried that she is going to screw you over, forget it. You can do batter then someone like that. The thing you don't want to do is get all worked up over nothing. Or accidentally create an issue. Be calm, wait until she returns and as long as she does, be very happy to see her. If she doesn't return when she should, then start to be concerned. But not now though. Trust me, being worried is so overrated lol.