Tramp
Well-known member
Please feel free to yell at me, give me a smack on the head and/or knock some sense into me if I'm out of line. This is probably going to be a bit of a rant, but I'd also love some feedback.
I'm a bit depressed and stressed about a relatively new relationship I've been a part of for a little more than the last two months. We've known each other for 7 months, but only got involved romantically late September.
We did have some...umm...sexual tension before that though. One day around 4 months ago she was drunk and started sexting me. I didn't pay heed as I was with someone at that time and wanted to be loyal, although I did find her attractive. Little did I know she was with someone too and that it wasn't going well.
I told her I couldn't, because I wanted to remain loyal to the girl I was seeing. All was well and we continued to remain friends. A week or so later she told me that the guy she was seeing had been avoiding her for two weeks, with pretty much zero contact. She mentioned she was just joking when she was texting me the other night, but in all honesty, she did sound (she called me too that night) serious about meeting up that night, and if I had met up with her, she would have ended up cheating on this guy.
Around the same time, she also mentioned that she did engage in sexual relations with the same couple of guys on various occasions over the last two years or so, because by her own admission, "a girl has needs". Whether these encounters were when she was in a relationship is unclear. However, she also mentioned that she didn't just want sex with this guy, because if that's what she was looking for, it was a phone call away (she said this laughingly, but it coincides with what she said about the casual encounters over the past couple of years).
They broke up, and my relationship was also going down the gutter. She continued to flirt with me via text, even send sexually suggestive messages, but I continued to tell her I needed to take care of things with the girl I was seeing at the time. In the meantime, she was going on random dates, but nothing seemed to be working out. I'll admit I was involuntarily interested in her but tried to remain strong for the sake of my relationship.
But it didn't work out. I had a break up, and I was glad because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of that relationship. Then I started seeing her shortly after. For the first month, she seemed really into me. Not just physically, but she did seem to want the physical aspect of it as well, and of course I wasn't going to deny her that, because I liked her too. She seemed to message me pretty often and want to hang out and, well, get physical as well pretty often. We were seeing each other three times a week and probably also getting intimate a couple of times a week.
It wasn't just the sex though - she would talk to me about things that were going on in her life, with her parents separating, her mom dating again, crises at work and worries about her career. She would also be very sweet in expressing her feelings towards me.
Then by the end of the first month, I got tremendously busy. I did constantly keep in touch with her though and tried to see her as often as I could. I apologized for not being able to make as much time for her and did express how much I wanted to be with her. However, for two weeks, I was only able to afford very little time. She seemed ok with it and told me to do what I have to do, because she recognized it was important.
I emerged out of hell in a couple of weeks, hoping to see her more often. However, for the past month or so, things haven't been the same. We still text each other everyday, we still go out once in a while - but not as much as we used to before - she still shares everything with me, she still seems to care about me and everything seems to be the same, except that a) she doesn't seem to want to get physical as much and b) she doesn't ask me if i want to hang out as much as she used to.
Now please don't get me wrong, I don't care if we don't have sex that often, because I really like this girl and I hope she likes me too, so for me it definitely isn't all about the sex, not even close. But knowing how much she used to want it and that now it's been 5 weeks since we last did it makes me wonder if she's losing interest in me. She's still affectionate, she will still cuddle up to me, she will still talk to me about stuff, but she won't want to get physical that much anymore.
It worries me because given her sexual history, I don't know if I can trust her. Should I be happy she was drunk texting me when she was having guy troubles or should I worry she could do the same with someone else when times get rough with me? Is it possible she's meeting her physical needs somewhere else?
But I can't see how, though. She's still pretty sweet to me. When she did get a bit pissy at times, I asked her nicely if I was doing anything wrong. She was apologetic and said that she was really stressed with things at home and at work, which was making her moody. I told her she can talk to me whenever she likes.
We still text each other everyday, so I kind of know about her whereabouts even if I didn't ask. From that, I can't see how she could be cheating or seeing someone else behind my back. There's no evidence at all of her doing such a thing. The only things that are leading to my suspicion are:
1. Her past history
2. How she would want to get physical with me before but not so much anymore
3. How we hang out less and less
Is it the stress? If it is I will support her with that and she knows so. She seems to be very comfortable around me and comfortable being in this relationship. Maybe she's taking me for granted (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) and forgetting the importance of spending time together to hold on to the relationship? Or does she not care? Again, she seems to still like me.
I have asked myself these questions several times, and every time I've reached the conclusion that she isn't cheating on me, she possibly couldn't given her behavior. Her friends know about me, I've gone out with her and her mom and been over at their place a few times while her mom was around. People in her social circle know about me. She has also in the past mentioned her disgust of people who cheat and her desire for a relationship and not just a fling, which would suggest she might be growing out of her past. From various conversations, she does seem to value long term associations and faithfulness albeit her past, which is contradictory and confuses me.
But then I think of the three points above. I want to trust her and I want a long term relationship with her, and it pains me that I should be so insecure about this. I hate myself for it, but can't help it. In fact I'm quite ashamed of myself. Can you help?
I might also be getting a bit clingy lately, but don't want to. I want to give her space, but also not let her think I'm not interested anymore. Maybe I should concentrate more on my daily business and let her contact me when she feels like/has time? What I have with her I think is good, and I want it to be long term, and I realize it will take me a lot more sanity to survive the following months than I am displaying right now. I don't want to confront her about anything for no good reason, especially when the confrontation might lead from my own insecurities and my own shortcomings. I don't want to break something that's not broken. But even after knowing all this, how do I relax?
Just to give you some background, I'm in my mid-twenties and a professional. She's in her early twenties (23 to be precise) and also a professional. Sorry this is so long.
I'm a bit depressed and stressed about a relatively new relationship I've been a part of for a little more than the last two months. We've known each other for 7 months, but only got involved romantically late September.
We did have some...umm...sexual tension before that though. One day around 4 months ago she was drunk and started sexting me. I didn't pay heed as I was with someone at that time and wanted to be loyal, although I did find her attractive. Little did I know she was with someone too and that it wasn't going well.
I told her I couldn't, because I wanted to remain loyal to the girl I was seeing. All was well and we continued to remain friends. A week or so later she told me that the guy she was seeing had been avoiding her for two weeks, with pretty much zero contact. She mentioned she was just joking when she was texting me the other night, but in all honesty, she did sound (she called me too that night) serious about meeting up that night, and if I had met up with her, she would have ended up cheating on this guy.
Around the same time, she also mentioned that she did engage in sexual relations with the same couple of guys on various occasions over the last two years or so, because by her own admission, "a girl has needs". Whether these encounters were when she was in a relationship is unclear. However, she also mentioned that she didn't just want sex with this guy, because if that's what she was looking for, it was a phone call away (she said this laughingly, but it coincides with what she said about the casual encounters over the past couple of years).
They broke up, and my relationship was also going down the gutter. She continued to flirt with me via text, even send sexually suggestive messages, but I continued to tell her I needed to take care of things with the girl I was seeing at the time. In the meantime, she was going on random dates, but nothing seemed to be working out. I'll admit I was involuntarily interested in her but tried to remain strong for the sake of my relationship.
But it didn't work out. I had a break up, and I was glad because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of that relationship. Then I started seeing her shortly after. For the first month, she seemed really into me. Not just physically, but she did seem to want the physical aspect of it as well, and of course I wasn't going to deny her that, because I liked her too. She seemed to message me pretty often and want to hang out and, well, get physical as well pretty often. We were seeing each other three times a week and probably also getting intimate a couple of times a week.
It wasn't just the sex though - she would talk to me about things that were going on in her life, with her parents separating, her mom dating again, crises at work and worries about her career. She would also be very sweet in expressing her feelings towards me.
Then by the end of the first month, I got tremendously busy. I did constantly keep in touch with her though and tried to see her as often as I could. I apologized for not being able to make as much time for her and did express how much I wanted to be with her. However, for two weeks, I was only able to afford very little time. She seemed ok with it and told me to do what I have to do, because she recognized it was important.
I emerged out of hell in a couple of weeks, hoping to see her more often. However, for the past month or so, things haven't been the same. We still text each other everyday, we still go out once in a while - but not as much as we used to before - she still shares everything with me, she still seems to care about me and everything seems to be the same, except that a) she doesn't seem to want to get physical as much and b) she doesn't ask me if i want to hang out as much as she used to.
Now please don't get me wrong, I don't care if we don't have sex that often, because I really like this girl and I hope she likes me too, so for me it definitely isn't all about the sex, not even close. But knowing how much she used to want it and that now it's been 5 weeks since we last did it makes me wonder if she's losing interest in me. She's still affectionate, she will still cuddle up to me, she will still talk to me about stuff, but she won't want to get physical that much anymore.
It worries me because given her sexual history, I don't know if I can trust her. Should I be happy she was drunk texting me when she was having guy troubles or should I worry she could do the same with someone else when times get rough with me? Is it possible she's meeting her physical needs somewhere else?
But I can't see how, though. She's still pretty sweet to me. When she did get a bit pissy at times, I asked her nicely if I was doing anything wrong. She was apologetic and said that she was really stressed with things at home and at work, which was making her moody. I told her she can talk to me whenever she likes.
We still text each other everyday, so I kind of know about her whereabouts even if I didn't ask. From that, I can't see how she could be cheating or seeing someone else behind my back. There's no evidence at all of her doing such a thing. The only things that are leading to my suspicion are:
1. Her past history
2. How she would want to get physical with me before but not so much anymore
3. How we hang out less and less
Is it the stress? If it is I will support her with that and she knows so. She seems to be very comfortable around me and comfortable being in this relationship. Maybe she's taking me for granted (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) and forgetting the importance of spending time together to hold on to the relationship? Or does she not care? Again, she seems to still like me.
I have asked myself these questions several times, and every time I've reached the conclusion that she isn't cheating on me, she possibly couldn't given her behavior. Her friends know about me, I've gone out with her and her mom and been over at their place a few times while her mom was around. People in her social circle know about me. She has also in the past mentioned her disgust of people who cheat and her desire for a relationship and not just a fling, which would suggest she might be growing out of her past. From various conversations, she does seem to value long term associations and faithfulness albeit her past, which is contradictory and confuses me.
But then I think of the three points above. I want to trust her and I want a long term relationship with her, and it pains me that I should be so insecure about this. I hate myself for it, but can't help it. In fact I'm quite ashamed of myself. Can you help?
I might also be getting a bit clingy lately, but don't want to. I want to give her space, but also not let her think I'm not interested anymore. Maybe I should concentrate more on my daily business and let her contact me when she feels like/has time? What I have with her I think is good, and I want it to be long term, and I realize it will take me a lot more sanity to survive the following months than I am displaying right now. I don't want to confront her about anything for no good reason, especially when the confrontation might lead from my own insecurities and my own shortcomings. I don't want to break something that's not broken. But even after knowing all this, how do I relax?
Just to give you some background, I'm in my mid-twenties and a professional. She's in her early twenties (23 to be precise) and also a professional. Sorry this is so long.
