Please tell me that I'm stupid...

[JHK]

I hope you guys don' mind but I've been needing to get it out for a bit and this is the only place that really seems to have an interest in what I say. I apologize to those who have heard this little bit of intro before... I think my question needs it though to get an honest answer...

Anyway, I just need to... explain it, a bit, I guess, and maybe get your opinion on if I'm right or wrong to do what I think I want to do. Please bear with me... I will probably go all over the place but it'll come to a point.

My parents first kid, my brother, was their life. I only heard some stories of what they were like before, but I don't know. I've never seen them happy so it's hard for me to picture them like the "All American family" but that's the picture I was painted. Surely by the photographs it's true. Matthew was everything they wanted - He was the big, blonde, blue eyed athlete that every father wanted and every mother adores. You know, perfection. Until the day he killed himself drinking and driving. Then they went from their wonderful life to despair and worlds of drugs.

Until, years later, they decide that they want to try again. Now I come into the picture. I don't know exactly when, but I know they started to realise soon that I wasn't the big, athletic all american perfect son they wanted. I was small and shrimpy and quiet and rather read a book then throw a football. I tried, fresia knows I tried to be what they wanted but I never could. Because they never did want another son. They just wanted Matthew back and I was the biggest disappointment of their life. Not only was I their failure, but I reminded them everyday of what they would never have again.

The older I got the more they took it out on me. l can't tell you how many stairs I fell down or bookshelves I walked into or ran with scissors or... I was always being compared. "Matthew would have been able..." "Matthew could have done it." "If you were Matthew..." There was nothing I did that Matthew wasn't involved in and he was dead five years before I was born. They would get so ******* mad because I didn't grieve with them, that I didn't worship him. They celebrated his birthday every year, but I've never gotten a gift or a card or even a happy birthday from either one of them. Truth was, I began to hate him. I hated this ******* brother I had, even though I never met him because he ruined my life. I guess I still feel some resentment towards him but I know he had nothing to do with it. I don't really feel anything at all. He was just a person who died before I was born.

Things just kept getting worse. And worse. Worse yet when I started to fight back. I don't know which was worse - getting beat by him or knowing she was watching or watching her watch as I struggled or tried to stop bleeding. I guess they both did. I guess they both did, just in different ways.
It never mattered what I did or tried to do, I was never good enough. I would make her presents for mothers day or spend so long trying to throw a ball right my arm would be burning but all I ever got was that she wished she was never my mother and I might as well throw myself off a bridge if that's as good as I was ever going to get.

So it wasn't nice, my childhood. If you could call it that. I left when I was 15... Well, I got kicked out at 14, came and went a bit, ended up working away from home with a gentleman. Went back a few months later and they had rented the house out while it was for sale. They didn't leave a note, an address, nothing. Just up and left. I have no idea where. I haven't spoke with them since I was 15 - that's six years ago. Six and a half, I guess.

And I don't know what's wrong with me but for some ******* reason I just can't seem to get them out of my head. I don't know what I did wrong so I don't know how to change it but I just want to so ******* bad for them to be able to forgive me for whatever it was that I couldn't do. I just want to know what it's like to be hugged by a Mom and to know what it feels like to hear a parent say 'I love you' and to know what the feeling is like when you know that you're the reason they are smiling.

I know it's all stupid because it's too late for me. I guess I would just settle for acceptance. Maybe a chance.
I know someone who can find them and I've been tossing the idea around in my head of just going and knocking and seeing what happens. Maybe the break away was good for us. Maybe it was what they needed.
But a part of me feels like it could be such a devastating idea. Because I don't know that I could handle it all thrown at me again if it turns out the way that I'm pretty sure it will. And I have no ******* clue where I even started to get these stupid fantasies in my head.

So I just need someone to tell me that I'm stupid. Tell me to it's a horrible idea and let sleeping dogs lie. Because I'm sure it would be, wouldn't it?

 

[BeyondShy]

I can't tell you that you are stupid after reading this because you're not.

Your parents were grieving over their first born son and it is obvious they never got past it. I bet they never went to grief counseling or just talked to someone about their loss. They took it out on you. It is not your fault the brother you never met died while driving drunk.

Your parents have never got over this and they don't know how to handle it. Probably to this day they still don't know how to handle it.

It is not stupid of you to want to be part of a family. We all want to be with people who love us and need us. I really hope you get this one day.

Good luck.

 

[loketron]

Hi friend. good to see you again.

your story moved me. I've been getting bits and such from you the last few days but its nice to finally hear your story. and what a touching sad story at that. It made me think of my ex who lost her mother and never knew her father, she would have given anything to have her parent back. It made me think if they understand how cowardly they look and if somewhere out there do they regret it tonight (your parents)?

you cant think about it. you can only think about you. you can only fix you. you spoke a bit about possibly knowing where they lived and going to them(?) you should only do that if you have healed your soul and forgiven them for the lifetime of abuse the have rested upon you.

your older brother may have been so great but what he did to himself was a terrible thing. he killed himself drinking and driving to use your own words. It sounds like a big headed jock that got to brave one night drinking and its not your fault. he will be family even though you never met him but its not your fault. that's what your parents never got I guess. you cant try to raise another child crying hurt. we are all unique. we all have our own purpose and our own path to happiness.

If you would like to be a part of a family you should start your own. how are you at dating? you may not be able to forgive your parents for what they have done just yet or be a part of their family but you can be your own family. if they have abandoned you then you kind of are and you are better of for it.

sorry this got long. hope i was helpful.

 

[Paraiyar]

Wow that is rough. I don't know whether you should reconnect with them or not but I will say that their treatment of you was indefensible.

 

[Tiina63]

I agree with Paraiyar-their treatment of you was indefensible. Although their grief was overwhelming, they should not have taken it out on you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't know why they're so hard on you. Their first son wasn't as angelic as they thought, drinking and driving. There was probably some issues there as well. I think your parents need to cherish you, because if anyone should know, they should know for sure how it can be taken away from them, because it has been before. I don't think it's you. But telling you that is far from actually convincing you.

 

[Paraiyar]

Sorry if this sounds callous but if he was so fantastic he would have been smart enough not to drink and drive. You haven't made the same mistake and you're still here so how superior to you could he have been?

 

[TheRealCallie]

It's likely that they spun the story in their head so many times that they made the drinking and driving death into something heroic on his part, which is possibly why they might have been on you so hard. If they accepted you, they might forget him. If they listened to you, they might not be able to hold on to the delusion they set for themselves concerning him. That's all just speculation, of course. Either way, it's inexcusable how they treated you.

It's not stupid at all to want to reconnect with them and give it another chance. My guess would be that those feelings will come and go your whole life. BUT, it would be stupid to have any kind of expectations of them (or yourself), should you go through with finding them.
I think at some point in your life, you will have to find them and give it "one last chance" for yourself to be able to move on from it. To show yourself that there's nothing salvageable there. Whether that time is now or later is up to you, though. If he was driving, he must have been at least 16, add another 5 years to that and that makes 21, it doesn't sound like your parents are spring chickens.

Ask yourself one thing, if you wait to give it one last chance and come to find out that one or both of them died, how would it make you feel? Your answer to that question will tell you what you need to do, IMO.

 

[EveWasFramed]

My father was a sadistic ******* whom I attempted to have some sort of family relationship with for years. It was always one sided.
At age 37, I finally pulled the plug on trying. That was a decade ago. I've NEVER regretted that decision.
The pain or sorrow of being rejected by the people who are supposed to love you fades, but you will remember it every so often.
You did nothing wrong and your parents treated you terribly. While I understand that deep-seated need for acceptance from your parents, Id think carefully before attempting to contact them.
Sometimes you have to accept that people are sometimes just rotten and it's best to throw in the towel. Good luck to you.

 

[stork_error]

I think your parents were probably always ******** which is why he probably went out drinking and driving.

i think you need one last try to remind yourself and then if it doersnt work find acceptance that they are ******** and move on.

Its not your fault they were ********, they probably abused your brother as well.

A parent who tells its child they wish you were thier dead child is an *******.

You cant fix them. Go back and remind yourself of the fact that they are ******** and then let them go.

 

[SofiasMami]

Aw, JHK (((hug)))
I can feel the raw emotion in your post.
Parents who abuse then abandon their child no longer get to be called parents, in my opinion. Children have the unique ability to blame themselves for bad things that are actually the fault of others.
It sounds like you just want to know why they did what they did to you. I'm not sure you'll ever get a satisfactory answer to that question. No one here can say for sure whether or not you should track down your parents, ultimately only you know the answer to that question.
I hope that whatever you eventually decide, you will find the peace you deserve.

-Teresa

 

[JHK]

Hi friend. good to see you again.

your story moved me. I've been getting bits and such from you the last few days but its nice to finally hear your story. and what a touching sad story at that. It made me think of my ex who lost her mother and never knew her father, she would have given anything to have her parent back. It made me think if they understand how cowardly they look and if somewhere out there do they regret it tonight (your parents)?

you cant think about it. you can only think about you. you can only fix you. you spoke a bit about possibly knowing where they lived and going to them(?) you should only do that if you have healed your soul and forgiven them for the lifetime of abuse the have rested upon you.

your older brother may have been so great but what he did to himself was a terrible thing. he killed himself drinking and driving to use your own words. It sounds like a big headed jock that got to brave one night drinking and its not your fault. he will be family even though you never met him but its not your fault. that's what your parents never got I guess. you cant try to raise another child crying hurt. we are all unique. we all have our own purpose and our own path to happiness.

If you would like to be a part of a family you should start your own. how are you at dating? you may not be able to forgive your parents for what they have done just yet or be a part of their family but you can be your own family. if they have abandoned you then you kind of are and you are better of for it.

sorry this got long. hope i was helpful.

I can't fault him for drinking and driving. I've done worse. WAY worse. Teenagers make stupid decisions all the time, I can't lay that on him. Some just aren't as lucky as others.
But that's the thoughts that have been floating around... Now that I have been gone, has it changed? Maybe we all needed a break? And I flip it over and over.
But a few years ago (quite a few years... I was 17 turning 18) I was in the hospital and they had to get ahold of them for something. I went through some major surgeries and hospitalized for quite some time so while they talked to the doctors, they never came to visit. And it was bad. I was airlifted there had a lot of issues with healing and prognosis could have went either way. The doctor told me after surgery they contacted them so I waited, every time the door opened. But hey still never came. This is the sort of stuff I ignore when I try to be hopeful. I just wish I wasn't so ******* naive about it.

How am I at dating... Well. That's an interesting question and one I'm sure would lead to a whole new level on this thread. I don't know really know.
I know that I don't deal very well nice people. I don't handle compliments and praises good. I get really uncomforatable and I usually just end up leaving the situation because... I don't know. Because I don't like the feeling. I can take a "good job" and leave it, but if someone goes on I almost get anxious. Because I can't see why you'd mean it so if you don't, there is obviously some ulterior motive for trying to convince me. If that makes sense.

I could go in about what my longest relationships have been like but I don't think I am in the right frame of mood for that. I know it's a whole other level and I can only deal with me in baby steps right now.
I can say that I don't want kids. Kids scare me. I can't even get my own honeysuckle together so I have no business raising a kid. But I remind myself too much of my father, and I don't ever want to be the type of parent that I had. If anything, I'd rather just end it all with me and not continue what's happening. I don't want to be that sort of person.

---

Sorry if this sounds callous but if he was so fantastic he would have been smart enough not to drink and drive. You haven't made the same mistake and you're still here so how superior to you could he have been?

Again, I can't blame him that. The only... ONLY reason I haven't got a DUI is because of honeysuckle luck. Please don't think I'm a saint. I drove drunk A LOT. I drove high a lot. I still do drugs. I don't drive drunk, but it's not uncommon for me to have a case of beer open in my back seat. I'm probably worse then he ever was, I just... I don't know. Get away with it.
I don't know him and all I have is second hand and most biast, but I would never say that I was better then him. I have pushed it so many times and gotten lucky so many times. I'm not a good person.
The only difference is I keep ******* up on the killing myself part where he seemed to have no issue when he wasn't trying.
I don't know that we could ever say one was superior, but I guess I'm a lot ******* luckier.

---

I don't know why they're so hard on you. Their first son wasn't as angelic as they thought, drinking and driving. There was probably some issues there as well. I think your parents need to cherish you, because if anyone should know, they should know for sure how it can be taken away from them, because it has been before. I don't think it's you. But telling you that is far from actually convincing you.

Kids will be kids, right? I doubt he was either. What teenager is?
But everyone was young then. If he wasn't a problem child (which from what I hear, he wasn't) it makes it harder to lose them to something so stupid.
And so I think "Well, maybe it's been like I died" but then I remember being in the hospital. For the accidents, and for ******* up. And still nothing.
So I should really get it, that it's not because I've been gone, but because maybe they just wish I was. This whiskey is having a very sobering effect.

---

It's likely that they spun the story in their head so many times that they made the drinking and driving death into something heroic on his part, which is possibly why they might have been on you so hard. If they accepted you, they might forget him. If they listened to you, they might not be able to hold on to the delusion they set for themselves concerning him. That's all just speculation, of course. Either way, it's inexcusable how they treated you.

It's not stupid at all to want to reconnect with them and give it another chance. My guess would be that those feelings will come and go your whole life. BUT, it would be stupid to have any kind of expectations of them (or yourself), should you go through with finding them.
I think at some point in your life, you will have to find them and give it "one last chance" for yourself to be able to move on from it. To show yourself that there's nothing salvageable there. Whether that time is now or later is up to you, though. If he was driving, he must have been at least 16, add another 5 years to that and that makes 21, it doesn't sound like your parents are spring chickens.

Ask yourself one thing, if you wait to give it one last chance and come to find out that one or both of them died, how would it make you feel? Your answer to that question will tell you what you need to do, IMO.

As I probably mentioned, my issues is that I've been playing out these scenarios in my head and will most likely (about 99.999% chance) not happen. I am, for some reason, blocking out everything that points to them continuing on how they have always been and I don't understand why. I, of all people, should know better. But I almost got to the point where I thought I should because WHAT IF... And I needed to know better. Because if it went the way that I REALLY know it will... I wouldn't be in a good spot. But holy fresia, maybe third time would be the charm this time.

I can't speculate any better then you on their reasoning. I was never able to actually have a conversation with them. So I don't know.
I don't know even how old they are, exactly. They were young, when he was born. 18 and 19 I think. So I'm guessing they are late 50's to early 60's. It's sort of an interesting image, to picture someone that age like I recall. But it seemed to be all they lived for.
Now your question is one I've asked and couldn't answer. How would I feel, if they died? I don't know. I haven't been sober long enough to really get a concrete answer so it bounces... A part of me would be glad, because it's finally ******* over. I can't do anything about it. A part of me would be devasted because now there is no chance to get what I ever had.
And while I HOPE that maybe they would want to know before they died, I just don't know. What if they finally got rid of me, made peace with Matthew, only to have me show up again and ruin it all over, just when they could be happy? Maybe I'm just being completely selfish.

---

I think your parents were probably always ******** which is why he probably went out drinking and driving.

i think you need one last try to remind yourself and then if it doersnt work find acceptance that they are ******** and move on.

Its not your fault they were ********, they probably abused your brother as well.

A parent who tells its child they wish you were thier dead child is an *******.

You cant fix them. Go back and remind yourself of the fact that they are ******** and then let them go.

This was my mindset a lot, growing up. I mean from 8-12 ish. But as I grew and fell into the crowd that my parents knew (once you're in it, the drug world is very small - you really know everyone) and talked to people who have known my parents forever tell me otherwise. He wasn't a bad kid. They weren't bad parents. They were young, he was young. I can see the hurt when they talked about him. When they lost it and threw things and screamed and cried and yelled and...That was genuine pain.
As much as I tried to extract something, I never got anything sincere like that as when his death hit them all over again. I was just another way to deal with it. I won't say they weren't ******** but I don't think they are to blame for his wreck. Or for abusing him. I just can't see it.

 

[loketron]

hey JHK I wanna apologize I feel like I haven't been a very good listener. this is the kinda place where you need a person to just be there and sit back and say "i'm here. i'm listening. it sucks. I may not understand fully but i'm here for you." I've tried that for you but I've also kinda been going through my own hurt so I've placed my own will into your situations, and for that i'm so sorry. In my life my biggest problems are a strong desire for love and in your life it seems you need to understand how to move on from why your parents couldn't move on. If I talked about love for you its only because that's been my solution to everything the past decade in my life.

Sorry. I realize my fault now and I know it sucks but I'm really glad your sharing your stories with us. Better than bottling it up right? You can PM me if you ever want to talk to me directly or anything to just saying.

 

[JHK]

Aw, JHK (((hug)))
I can feel the raw emotion in your post.
Parents who abuse then abandon their child no longer get to be called parents, in my opinion. Children have the unique ability to blame themselves for bad things that are actually the fault of others.
It sounds like you just want to know why they did what they did to you. I'm not sure you'll ever get a satisfactory answer to that question. No one here can say for sure whether or not you should track down your parents, ultimately only you know the answer to that question.
I hope that whatever you eventually decide, you will find the peace you deserve.

-Teresa

Thanks, Teresa.
I think it's been bugging me for awhile because I've seen a lot of human waste lately. Cemetaries that were wrecked by teens, people complaining about moms calling to check on them all the time, getting annoyed because dad is calling three times a day, bitching about parents making sure they're eating because we're "******* adults, for fresia sakes" and it bugs me that it's (we...I...) are so disposable and taken for granted. I see people and emotions being thrown out like yesterday's garbage and it's hard to deal with. I hate it seeing it, and I guess it's easier to see it when you have been and are just as disposable as a Tim Horton's coffee cup.

What I wouldn't give to have a mom call to make sure I was getting enough sleep or dad to make sure that my truck was running good. To ***** at me about smoking or drinking or doing my homework because even though it's bitching to you, it's just a sign of how much they care because you mean the world to them. And I see people get annoyed and wishing they would stop and they just don't see that one day it will. One day they'll be done and you'll wish you could hear them ***** at you one more time about drinking or doing homework and they won't be around to say it. So don't get mad and hang up because you'll regret it... You'll regret one day not appreciating what you have until it's gone and all those hours fighting an hanging up when you'd give anything for just one more word but it's too late...

fresia I was able to get hold myself together right until now. But this is where my head's been and it's been getting to me more and more. It's the old cliche - You never know what you got until it's gone - it's just a little worse when you never had it all but it's being tossed out in front of you, just like you were, like it's.... Nothing.

I have no idea what the fresia is wrong with me anymore. l know I need a few more shot and a cigarettes and I hate it that I'm out of drugs. Here I am preaching to be thankful and I just want something to kill it all inside me. Only me, man. I'm the worst of the worst, really. I wish I could just... I don't know. Get me. Or life. Or something.

---

hey JHK I wanna apologize I feel like I haven't been a very good listener. this is the kinda place where you need a person to just be there and sit back and say "i'm here. i'm listening. it sucks. I may not understand fully but i'm here for you." I've tried that for you but I've also kinda been going through my own hurt so I've placed my own will into your situations, and for that i'm so sorry. In my life my biggest problems are a strong desire for love and in your life it seems you need to understand how to move on from why your parents couldn't move on. If I talked about love for you its only because that's been my solution to everything the past decade in my life.

Sorry. I realize my fault now and I know it sucks but I'm really glad your sharing your stories with us. Better than bottling it up right? You can PM me if you ever want to talk to me directly or anything to just saying.

No, no. It wasn't that at all. I said it all wrong.
It wasn't anything you said wrong, just that it's another issue with me and it's funny you brought it up because it's so ******* relevant to the whole thing (whatever my "thing" is). I'm just only raising one issue of my messed up self at a time and... I'll get to it.
You listened fine. It wasn't you at all. I don't make sense half the time because I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'm still at step 1 where some people can be at step 5 in my life and it's hard for me to catch up or say what I'm trying to say how I have to say it.
I need a breather, but I'll get it across to you. I'm sorry if I made it sound like I thought you were rude - it wasn't my intention.

 

[loketron]

Aw, JHK (((hug)))
I can feel the raw emotion in your post.
Parents who abuse then abandon their child no longer get to be called parents, in my opinion. Children have the unique ability to blame themselves for bad things that are actually the fault of others.
It sounds like you just want to know why they did what they did to you. I'm not sure you'll ever get a satisfactory answer to that question. No one here can say for sure whether or not you should track down your parents, ultimately only you know the answer to that question.
I hope that whatever you eventually decide, you will find the peace you deserve.

-Teresa

Thanks, Teresa.
I think it's been bugging me for awhile because I've seen a lot of human waste lately. Cemetaries that were wrecked by teens, people complaining about moms calling to check on them all the time, getting annoyed because dad is calling three times a day, bitching about parents making sure they're eating because we're "******* adults, for fresia sakes" and it bugs me that it's (we...I...) are so disposable and taken for granted. I see people and emotions being thrown out like yesterday's garbage and it's hard to deal with. I hate it seeing it, and I guess it's easier to see it when you have been and are just as disposable as a Tim Horton's coffee cup.

What I wouldn't give to have a mom call to make sure I was getting enough sleep or dad to make sure that my truck was running good. To ***** at me about smoking or drinking or doing my homework because even though it's bitching to you, it's just a sign of how much they care because you mean the world to them. And I see people get annoyed and wishing they would stop and they just don't see that one day it will. One day they'll be done and you'll wish you could hear them ***** at you one more time about drinking or doing homework and they won't be around to say it. So don't get mad and hang up because you'll regret it... You'll regret one day not appreciating what you have until it's gone and all those hours fighting an hanging up when you'd give anything for just one more word but it's too late...

fresia I was able to get hold myself together right until now. But this is where my head's been and it's been getting to me more and more. It's the old cliche - You never know what you got until it's gone - it's just a little worse when you never had it all but it's being tossed out in front of you, just like you were, like it's.... Nothing.

I have no idea what the fresia is wrong with me anymore. l know I need a few more shot and a cigarettes and I hate it that I'm out of drugs. Here I am preaching to be thankful and I just want something to kill it all inside me. Only me, man. I'm the worst of the worst, really. I wish I could just... I don't know. Get me. Or life. Or something.

well maybe that's what I was trying to get at. I want something positive for you man! as if the life you have now and the hurt from your parents could be fixed by a drive cross county and a fresh start somewhere new. but whatever you find will work for you its your life bro.

and were talking about pot right? don't do any hard drugs please? I don't wanna have to worry about you in that regard.

 

[JHK]

Aw, JHK (((hug)))
I can feel the raw emotion in your post.
Parents who abuse then abandon their child no longer get to be called parents, in my opinion. Children have the unique ability to blame themselves for bad things that are actually the fault of others.
It sounds like you just want to know why they did what they did to you. I'm not sure you'll ever get a satisfactory answer to that question. No one here can say for sure whether or not you should track down your parents, ultimately only you know the answer to that question.
I hope that whatever you eventually decide, you will find the peace you deserve.

-Teresa

Thanks, Teresa.
I think it's been bugging me for awhile because I've seen a lot of human waste lately. Cemetaries that were wrecked by teens, people complaining about moms calling to check on them all the time, getting annoyed because dad is calling three times a day, bitching about parents making sure they're eating because we're "******* adults, for fresia sakes" and it bugs me that it's (we...I...) are so disposable and taken for granted. I see people and emotions being thrown out like yesterday's garbage and it's hard to deal with. I hate it seeing it, and I guess it's easier to see it when you have been and are just as disposable as a Tim Horton's coffee cup.

What I wouldn't give to have a mom call to make sure I was getting enough sleep or dad to make sure that my truck was running good. To ***** at me about smoking or drinking or doing my homework because even though it's bitching to you, it's just a sign of how much they care because you mean the world to them. And I see people get annoyed and wishing they would stop and they just don't see that one day it will. One day they'll be done and you'll wish you could hear them ***** at you one more time about drinking or doing homework and they won't be around to say it. So don't get mad and hang up because you'll regret it... You'll regret one day not appreciating what you have until it's gone and all those hours fighting an hanging up when you'd give anything for just one more word but it's too late...

fresia I was able to get hold myself together right until now. But this is where my head's been and it's been getting to me more and more. It's the old cliche - You never know what you got until it's gone - it's just a little worse when you never had it all but it's being tossed out in front of you, just like you were, like it's.... Nothing.

I have no idea what the fresia is wrong with me anymore. l know I need a few more shot and a cigarettes and I hate it that I'm out of drugs. Here I am preaching to be thankful and I just want something to kill it all inside me. Only me, man. I'm the worst of the worst, really. I wish I could just... I don't know. Get me. Or life. Or something.

well maybe that's what I was trying to get at. I want something positive for you man! as if the life you have now and the hurt from your parents could be fixed by a drive cross county and a fresh start somewhere new. but whatever you find will work for you its your life bro.

and were talking about pot right? don't do any hard drugs please? I don't wanna have to worry about you in that regard.

I wish pot was my issue. I smoke speed, actually. I know, I know. I used to do blow all the time but the effect isn't the same. Most people have no idea I ever use it.
But speed is hard to get here and I've been almost two weeks without it so I guess I can keep it up for a bit. I doubt this will be me quitting but it's also not the end of the world for me to go without it, either. It's just easier when I pretend that my history doesn't exist to be sober. I get to feeling good enough I can pretend I'm not me at all and life isn't so bad, then.

 

[loketron]

please be safe. think about quitting for good. the long term effect are not worth it.

 

[Kite Runner]

Hi JHK,

First thing is, I understand what you went through as a child. I seriously do. Now, the major thing is, do you really want to lead a fine life? Whatever has happened has actually happened. Nothing can be done about the past. All you have is 'now', 'this very moment', that's the present. This very present is going to be your past as well as your future. If you took good care of it, it will take good care of you for sure.
I would suggest you to search for your parents. Yes, whatever they did was not expected of them and they did wrong. Very wrong. But then again we can't do a thing about that all. Damage has been done. But we can always try our best to repair and maintain our soul. Forgive them. The hardest thing to do but for your own sake. Do it. Forgive them and make peace with your past. Take things slowly. Give yourself time to heal. Don't rush in to things, relationships. They wouldn't work because you are not healed and ready to be a part of any healthy relationship. First try to sort out the mess. Take your time. Be extremely gentle and easy on yourself. You didn't tell if you study? Go to any school etc

 

[ABrokenMan]

Your parents never processed their grief, never went for counseling...thus, they will not change and learn how to be kind, caring and compassionate. They've shut off the niceness faucet because of the hurt. I've witnessed this very effect with my ex GF and her parents - their oldest son drank and drugged himself to death over time. Thus, they take things out on their daughter, which, in turn, makes their daughter angry, acting out, etc.

Sad to say, but you will always be a trigger for your parents.

My advice might not be worth a grain of salt, but I always try to see things from a realistic point of view.
You need to just let go, accept that they are damaged and try to discover yourself, all of your great and unique qualities that make you who you can be - if you allow yourself to do so. going back to a toxic family situation will prove even more damaging for all involved.

Let your parents come to you in the future, maybe you will be strong enough to realize whatever transpires, it will have no bearing upon who you are.

I'd let the past go, and move onward without your parents. You are still very young (me, speaking as a forum member elder statesman) and have a lot to seek out. Don't let your desire to reconnect overwhelm the potential which awaits.

 

[Danielle]

JHK, what happened with your parents is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong. I'm not going to tell you that you are stupid for thinking of them and wanting to be loved and part of a family.

Your parents never grieved properly, and took it all out on you, which was not fair, and never will be.

Have you been to therapy to delve into your upbringing and your parents? If not, it could do you a world of difference. If you can make peace within yourself and honestly see that none of that was your fault, then maybe that would be a good time to confront your parents without expectation, if you are so inclined to do so.

You aare stronger than you think..... you've come this far and you deserve some peace, in order to move on with your life. Please be careful with the speed, take care of yourself.