Questions for the Women

[Rigel]

this is kind of awkward but what the hell. Can a man and a woman simply be friends for its own sake without going through the complications of a sex based relationship?

any of you have close male friends that you can say you 'love' but would never sleep with?

 

[SofiasMami]

this is kind of awkward but what the hell. Can a man and a woman simply be friends for its own sake without going through the complications of a sex based relationship?

any of you have close male friends that you can say you 'love' but would never sleep with?

Hi-
I have one close male friend that I would never sleep with because he's gay. As for straight guys - well, you have an age-old question: can men and women just be friends without sex? The older I get, the more I think the answer is "no". I don't pursue men for friendships or relationships but when a guy approaches me, he's usually ultimately interested in...you know what. Whether I'm interested in that too is another question. That's just been my personal experience.

Teresa

 

[bens]

I'm a guy but for what it's worth I think the sex thing is there until you've done it.But it can be supressed until it's habit? I have female friend who I would sleep with but never have and have no expectations of doing so and I'm friends with her cos I respect her and like her company.


A question for the women that has probably already been answered - what are your expecations of getting an orgasm from a man?

 

[INTJ]

My husband and I split up almost 7 years ago...I didn't want it, but he left because of alcohol and his musician friends. Two years ago he died.

I still love him and think he was the best man in my life for the 13 years prior to these incidents.

I have dated about 20 men in the last 7 years, but seem to have no attraction physically to them, nor click with their personalities.

Do you think I am comparing them to my husband or I am just not meeting the right men?

Only you can answer that question, Wishing Well. ARE you comparing them to your late husband? If so, why and in what ways? To what end?

When you go out with a new man, do you feel no attraction to him before the date? If not, why do you go out with him? Are you hoping to develop an attraction, over time, and it doesn't happen? Do men seem attracted to you, but you reject their attentions, or are they also going out with you, hoping to BE attracted?

---

this is kind of awkward but what the hell. Can a man and a woman simply be friends for its own sake without going through the complications of a sex based relationship?

any of you have close male friends that you can say you 'love' but would never sleep with?

Of course. Many men and women enjoy friendships without engaging in sexual relations. But I think what you're really wondering is whether 'the sex thing' wouldn't eventually raise its head, so to speak. The answer to that is yes, it will. Thoughts/urges will always 'go there'. But then it's a matter of whether one or both of the parties act on that urge.

In other words, Harry was right. Men and women can not be friends without 'the sex thing' always being there, somewhere in the background. He and Sally were best friends for a long time, but the sex thing inevitably interfered.

The good news is this... the longest lasting, happiest romantic relationships are between those who consider themselves 'best friends' as well as lovers, as both Harry and Sally eventually came to find out.

---

A question for the women that has probably already been answered - what are your expecations of getting an orgasm from a man?

Expectations of getting an orgasm from a man? Nil. Women who 'expect' a man to bring them to orgasm are either monumentally naive or fools, as are men who remain unteachable as to the workings of the female mind/body during intercourse.

What I expect is that a man be selfless enough to WANT to give me an orgasm, but also to be mature enough to know that he doesn't know my body better than I do.

An example: I was seeing a guy who got offended because I would help things along by fingering myself during sex. It was the only way I could come with him because he was so lacking in finesse and sensuality; all he did was pump away, for hours it seemed, like a robot. I'd eventually get bored and reach down to stimulate myself. Sure, it wounded his pride, but if it's not the way I like it, it doesn't count. If he'd been open to learning, things would have been different for both of us.

Lots of women are too shy or just don't know their own bodies well enough to know what they need to do to come during intercourse. Then again, so are lots of guys.

 

[Badjedidude]

An example: I was seeing a guy who got offended because I would help things along by fingering myself during sex. It was the only way I could come with him because he was so lacking in finesse and sensuality; all he did was pump away, for hours it seemed, like a robot. I'd eventually get bored and reach down to stimulate myself. Sure, it wounded his pride, but if it's not the way I like it, it doesn't count. If he'd been open to learning, things would have been different for both of us.

That's kinda silly of him. If I were with a woman and she started fingering herself while we were having sex, I'd take the hint and finger her myself. lol

You're right. BOTH parties involved should strive to be open and find out what makes each other explode.

 

[WishingWell]

INTJ wrote:

Only you can answer that question, Wishing Well. ARE you comparing them to your late husband? If so, why and in what ways? To what end?

When you go out with a new man, do you feel no attraction to him before the date? If not, why do you go out with him? Are you hoping to develop an attraction, over time, and it doesn't happen? Do men seem attracted to you, but you reject their attentions, or are they also going out with you, hoping to BE attracted?

Thank you so much INTJ, for taking the time and interest to answer my post.

Since I have no other way of dating because I am disabled from epilepsy and I don't drive, nor have friends around where I live,
I use Singles Dating Sites to meet and date men. I instant message with them for a while, then we usually talk on the phone for a while. It's hard to know if you are attracted pysically to someone by just seeing their picture. As far as personality/emotional attraction goes, I know that is built over time, but you get a little bit of an idea from the phone contact. Most men that were attracted physically to me, and liked my personality, wanted to sleep with me on the first date, and I don't do that. I have to feel that we have some sense of mutual caring first. The one man I went out with longest, and we both seemed to be on the same page as far as being attracted to each other, turned me down when I approached him about intimacy after 4 months! He then told me the truth--he had a girlfriend. I was very sad.

If I met a man the "normal" way in a store or coffee shop, I am not shy and wouldn't even mind striking up a conversation with him myself, if we kept making eye contact in a way that we seemed interested in each other. NO, I wouldn't go out with someone I wasn't attracted to, just like I wouldn't expect a man to go out with me if he wasn't attracted to me.

Also, something about myself, since I don't drive, and the man has to pick me up and drive me home, I ALWAYS offer to pay for the first date, or at least split the bill. I am in no way a Golddigger.

As far as comparing other men to my late husband, I am, like you said, the only one who can answer that question. I feel I must not be since if I was, I wouldn't be looking for men to date in the first place. I am not someone who has to have a man in my life to be happy. I haven't been in a long term relationship now for 7 years, and would like to be, but am not desperate to be. If I was, I would settle for anyone--and I am not doing that.






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[INTJ]

Were I in your situation, while on IM with a potential date, I'd do some webcam chats, or Skype. That way, we could both see each other and get a much better idea about mutual attraction (or revulsion). ;o)

I'd also put in my profile, in very plain wording, that I was looking for a long-term, committed relationship, that I wanted to be friends first, and there would be no sexual activity until that friendship was established. I'd also mention the epilepsy because it's always best to be perfectly upfront about such things. The flakes would run away quick, knowing they'd not be getting what they wanted from me, leaving only the seriously interested to contact me.

Then, I'd drop the whole 'pick me up and drive me home' thing. It's dangerous and, odd for internet dating. I'd take a cab there and home, and leave the tab to the guy -- assuming he did the asking out. In fact, I'd never do the asking, simply because of my health concerns. Those who do ask are, again, the serious ones. And, it's always proper for the one who does the asking to pay.

Be safe. Take a cab.

 

[VanillaCreme]

this is kind of awkward but what the hell. Can a man and a woman simply be friends for its own sake without going through the complications of a sex based relationship?

any of you have close male friends that you can say you 'love' but would never sleep with?

Of course. I have male friends that I love, and openly say it, that I'd never sleep with. I don't even think of sleeping with them. So it's not impossible. Too many people complicate relationships with sex, and I think it ruins the closeness that people have.

 

[WishingWell]

Thank you for your advice INTJ for your advice.

 

[INTJ]

You're welcome. But in rereading my post, I see my wording's slightly off. I'd pay my own cab fare and leave the tab for coffee/drinks/whatever to the gentleman.

 

[WishingWell]

INTJ

That is definitely what I would do. I may have told you this already, but I usually paid for the first date or split it even when I lived somewhere when I met people outside of the computer world. I used to live in a city where there was public transportation and cabs. I am like a fish out of water living in the suburbs, but have no other choice.

Thanks again for your post.

 

[Rootbeer]

I've been reading this over and have found some excellent posts. I like the anonymity and I have a question - but first, quickly about myself.

I'm apparently a good looking & fit guy in his mid 20's, I'm nice and polite to women and have no problem getting dates (in fact, women often make it quite easy for me), well groomed, I can keep a conversation, and I stay busy with work & hobbies I'm involved with. Not an alpha male but not a pushover. I'm not trying to toot my horn or anything, I'd like to think I'd make at least a decent catch though.

My one & only ex I was dating for over 5 years dumped me because I was acting arsehole-ish but also because I couldn't give her orgasms whenever we had sex. That, and I'm not always very good in bed. It would then always end with her sighing and me shriveling up on the inside feeling uncomfortably emasculated.

Long story short, these feelings have manifested themselves over the past 4 or 5 years and gotten worse where I now find it too difficult to present myself to women, have only had sex a handful of times in the past few years, and I think about it way too much. I thought these problems only affected people more than twice my age. This is truly tearing my life apart at a time when most mature people would suggest I should be having fun and enjoying life and dating. I don't know how to say it without sounding like I'm tooting my own horn, but other than those problems I think I'm a really good guy.

So women, my question is, if your guy is quite bad in the sack, is the easiest decision to dump him? How long would you date a guy who has sexual problems?

 

[LGH1288]

I've been reading this over and have found some excellent posts. I like the anonymity and I have a question - but first, quickly about myself.

I'm apparently a good looking & fit guy in his mid 20's, I'm nice and polite to women and have no problem getting dates (in fact, women often make it quite easy for me), well groomed, I can keep a conversation, and I stay busy with work & hobbies I'm involved with. Not an alpha male but not a pushover. I'm not trying to toot my horn or anything, I'd like to think I'd make at least a decent catch though.

My one & only ex I was dating for over 5 years dumped me because I was acting arsehole-ish but also because I couldn't give her orgasms whenever we had sex. That, and I'm not always very good in bed. It would then always end with her sighing and me shriveling up on the inside feeling uncomfortably emasculated.

Long story short, these feelings have manifested themselves over the past 4 or 5 years and gotten worse where I now find it too difficult to present myself to women, have only had sex a handful of times in the past few years, and I think about it way too much. I thought these problems only affected people more than twice my age. This is truly tearing my life apart at a time when most mature people would suggest I should be having fun and enjoying life and dating. I don't know how to say it without sounding like I'm tooting my own horn, but other than those problems I think I'm a really good guy.

So women, my question is, if your guy is quite bad in the sack, is the easiest decision to dump him? How long would you date a guy who has sexual problems?

Hi Rootbeer -- Welcome to ALL! OK, no time to waste. First, please do not blame yourself because your "one & only" former lover couldn't achieve orgasm. Assuming you know all the right moves, that may have been her issue and not yours. But, until you have another lover you'll never be sure. Unfortunately your confidence is damaged so it's time to build it up again. I suggest reading a little bit about human sexual response and exploring possible alternative ways to maximize your techniques. Here are some interesting articles:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/01/100104114601.htm

http://www.springerlink.com/content/f8162672t32hu531/

http://healing.about.com/od/sexualhealing/a/tantricsex.htm

My best advice to you is please don't blame yourself for something that may never have been your fault. LG

 

[jales]

I would marry and date forever a guy who had problems in the sack.

Especially the problem you have. You just dont feel secure. People are not always great in bed. It's completely natural. But making someone feel bad about how they are in bed is a bit harsh.

Honestly if that was the only problem a guy had I would definitely date him for as long as he wanted me.

But not all girls are the same. Sex, and good sex is important, I agree. It can feel really good to have good sex. But sex is not the most important in a relationship to me.

Also if it is mostly a confidence problem, I would just work on helping my guy get back confidence.

Listen when you find the right girl, I think she will love you for you.. and even if you are afraid in bed, or if you dont always feel for sex, or if you cant always get hard, or if some days are off... she will still love you.

I dont think you should expect someone to be great in bed every time. Some days are better than others. That is just life.

I've been reading this over and have found some excellent posts. I like the anonymity and I have a question - but first, quickly about myself.

I'm apparently a good looking & fit guy in his mid 20's, I'm nice and polite to women and have no problem getting dates (in fact, women often make it quite easy for me), well groomed, I can keep a conversation, and I stay busy with work & hobbies I'm involved with. Not an alpha male but not a pushover. I'm not trying to toot my horn or anything, I'd like to think I'd make at least a decent catch though.

My one & only ex I was dating for over 5 years dumped me because I was acting arsehole-ish but also because I couldn't give her orgasms whenever we had sex. That, and I'm not always very good in bed. It would then always end with her sighing and me shriveling up on the inside feeling uncomfortably emasculated.

Long story short, these feelings have manifested themselves over the past 4 or 5 years and gotten worse where I now find it too difficult to present myself to women, have only had sex a handful of times in the past few years, and I think about it way too much. I thought these problems only affected people more than twice my age. This is truly tearing my life apart at a time when most mature people would suggest I should be having fun and enjoying life and dating. I don't know how to say it without sounding like I'm tooting my own horn, but other than those problems I think I'm a really good guy.

So women, my question is, if your guy is quite bad in the sack, is the easiest decision to dump him? How long would you date a guy who has sexual problems?

---

I have no close male friends at the moment. I especially would not have close male friends in real life (as opposed to the internet). Not that I have either.

The way I see it is this. If my man had a close female friend I would always wonder if there was more to their relationship. Sorry but it is true. I may say nothing, but inside I would wonder if he likes her as more than a friend.

No I don't have serious trust issues, but I am not stupid enough to ignore my thoughts. If a man I was with had a female friend, I would wonder if he likes her in a sexual way, if he thought about it... she would be my competition and I would be jealous.

So, out of respect for the men I have dated and ..well my husband lol.. I would never have a close male friend, and I have never had close male friends while I was in a relationship. Because he should never have to wonder that. That thought should not even have to exist.

When I was single though, I had male friends (IRL). But I told them all (the ones in real life), I dont believe in having male friends when I'm with a man. And so as soon as I get into a relationship, the male friends drifted away, and I did too.

The thing is, men understand. At least Caribbean men do. They get that a man would be jealous if his girl had male friends, and they get that them being friends with me only really made sense if I was single. Lol I didnt have sooooooooooo many male friends. But there were some. More online than in real life.

Anyway yea, so I dont know if it can or can not happen. But for me, I would not do it unless I was single. Just out of respect for the guy I am with.

edit: and by the way, I have considered what it would be like to have a relationship with every male friend that I have had.

this is kind of awkward but what the hell. Can a man and a woman simply be friends for its own sake without going through the complications of a sex based relationship?

any of you have close male friends that you can say you 'love' but would never sleep with?

---

Orgasms are great!! Lol, but if I can't get one with a guy.. then that is fine. I think with some guys you will always have orgasm (rare guys.. but some are that good). With others you wont.

For me it is more important that the guy orgasms, because I like that feeling as well. And if he moans and orgasms 8) :0) That is the best!!!

So yea, it's not too important that he makes me orgasm, especially in the beginning.

A woman's body is different than a guys. We may not come as often because we arent as horny. With time when he knows our body more and..when we are really horny (like no sex for 3 weeks horny), we will come. For guys, you all tend to come all the time no matter what.

So my point is, if when the relationship is new I dont come, that is fine. I know that in time I will. And even if I don't.. sex still feels good, and it is nice to know that he comes.

A question for the women that has probably already been answered - what are your expecations of getting an orgasm from a man?

 

[WishingWell]

Before I answer bens question, I hope he doesn't mind if I comment on Rootbeer's again. BOTH COMMENTS ARE MY OPINIONS ONLY!

Some women have trouble having orgasms for one reason or another, and it is not the fault of the man. You're X probably isn't aware of that. And, being good in the sack comes with time and experience with a partner. Everyone isn't "born" with that knowledge and experience.

Now ben, I have no expectations of having an orgasm from a man. It is a response from the excitement of sex that causes it, and the technique you BOTH develop that causes an orgasm in a woman.

 

[Badjedidude]

A question for the women that has probably already been answered - what are your expecations of getting an orgasm from a man?

Studies show that only around 30% of women have the ability to attain an orgasm during intercourse. Now... part of that could be because the men the rest of the 70% are sleeping with simply don't have the skill to bring that about. But it could just as easily be that 70% of women naturally (for some reason) cannot have orgasms. It sucks to consider such a thing, but that's what it looks like from the data.

REALLY ALL YOU CAN DO IS...

As a man, just do your best to do more than simply pound away and SLAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM. Play with that clitoris, man. Rub dem boobies. Get her in the mood even HOURS before actual intercourse, through sexy talk and flirting and what-have-ye. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, so SEX HER MIND. And don't be a ******* robot. If your girl wanted to fresia a machine she would just go buy one. Believe me, they're out there. lol

 

[jales]

I know this is not about mee but lol..

With me.. if I have sex regularly ..constantly like ...often.. everyday, every two days.. I orgasm a lot less, and less good-feeling than if it is after some time of not getting any.

Dont know what they did in the study. But maybe there are other women like me as well. I think for some women we need to not have sex for some weeks to be able to orgams well.. I donno.

Edit: Well also it does depend on how long the actual sex last (if you come or not). I really wonder how that test was done. It's interesting to think that it is an entire 70% of us that cant come. But it seems likely that for women coming is totally different. I mean, i think it takes longer (unless we haven't had sex for a while), and though good it doesnt seem as necessary. Sex is still nice without it.

A question for the women that has probably already been answered - what are your expecations of getting an orgasm from a man?

Studies show that only around 30% of women have the ability to attain an orgasm during intercourse. Now... part of that could be because the men the rest of the 70% are sleeping with simply don't have the skill to bring that about. But it could just as easily be that 70% of women naturally (for some reason) cannot have orgasms. It sucks to consider such a thing, but that's what it looks like from the data.

REALLY ALL YOU CAN DO IS...

As a man, just do your best to do more than simply pound away and SLAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM. Play with that clitoris, man. Rub dem boobies. Get her in the mood even HOURS before actual intercourse, through sexy talk and flirting and what-have-ye. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, so SEX HER MIND. And don't be a ******* robot. If your girl wanted to fresia a machine she would just go buy one. Believe me, they're out there. lol

 

[Ladysphinx]

If a women gets upset because she can't orgasm during sex she's selfish.

I once read an article that women who mastrubates on a regular basis(once or twice a week) tend to orgasm easier during intercourse. Women who don't mastrubate tend to struggle with climaxing. So girls there's a really good reason to 'help your self'. The reason they said is that it helps you relax about your sexuality and know your body.

I don't always achieve climaxing and yes I sometimes fake it cause I know that men love seeing their women come and greatly increases his pleasure.

I have also noticed that the longer the more intense the orgasm tends to be for both sides. But either way orgasim isn't that big a deal for me just being with the man I love and pleasing him is worth it. There are lots of articles on this subject that are well worth the read.

 

[Joseph]

Believe me, they're out there. lol

Haha!

 

[delawareadams]

Hello, this is my first post here. I'm in my mid 40s now and don't make a lot of money. I am a good man. I am responsible, drug free and alcohol free. I am a medical professional, in pharmacy. I love that I can help people on a regular basis.
I've been alone for a long time, over a decade. The lonliness has gotten to be too much and I very much need to find someone. However, I find it very difficult to take that first step. I dated my fair share back in the 80s and early 90s. Now things just seem so different. Single women in my age bracket don't seem interested in a guy who isn't very well established and not making a big income. I don't live in my own place although I do own a home in another state that I will be moving too in a couple of years.
I guess my question is; am I being cynical or inaccurate in thinking I don't have much chance for finding love because I don't make much money? I have in the last few years tried to date but everytime I get someone that I'm interested in, once they find out I'm not a pharmacist pulling a six figure salary, they dissapear without a word. Pretty lame. This has caused some trust issues in terms of putting myself out there. I didn't much care for that when it happened. Have the times changed to a point where a good, caring, inteligent, funny guy can't find someone because of his income?