Reality strikes...

[lostatsea]

It's been forever since I've visited this site, and even longer since I've posted. I just got a text from one of the few people I stay in limited contact with, sharing a link of baby photos. One of my former friends just had their baby pictures taken 2 days ago. I was a groomsmen at his wedding. But our friendship ended about 1 1/2 years ago.

I didn't even know they were expecting. Just seeing those baby pics has caused a wave of sad feelings. Reminders of lost friendships. Feeling like I'm falling even more behind the race of life.

I asked the person who sent the pictures not to send me stuff like that anymore. That I didn't need to be reminded of the regret of losing friendships. She said if I regret it I should change it. Trivializing the fact that I did try several times right after the friendship ended with no response. I told her that people need to face reality. Realize that when you try, try again, and see no results, you need to face reality. Relationships are like plants. Once they're dead, there's nothing that can be done.

How do you guys usually handle those regretful memories coming back and not getting lost in them. I've been "okay" for a long while now, which is kind of why I stopped visiting this site. But seeing those pictures, and facing that reality, is just a lot to handle.

 

[mslonely]

It's been forever since I've visited this site, and even longer since I've posted. I just got a text from one of the few people I stay in limited contact with, sharing a link of baby photos. One of my former friends just had their baby pictures taken 2 days ago. I was a groomsmen at his wedding. But our friendship ended about 1 1/2 years ago.

I didn't even know they were expecting. Just seeing those baby pics has caused a wave of sad feelings. Reminders of lost friendships. Feeling like I'm falling even more behind the race of life.

I asked the person who sent the pictures not to send me stuff like that anymore. That I didn't need to be reminded of the regret of losing friendships. She said if I regret it I should change it. Trivializing the fact that I did try several times right after the friendship ended with no response. I told her that people need to face reality. Realize that when you try, try again, and see no results, you need to face reality. Relationships are like plants. Once they're dead, there's nothing that can be done.

How do you guys usually handle those regretful memories coming back and not getting lost in them. I've been "okay" for a long while now, which is kind of why I stopped visiting this site. But seeing those pictures, and facing that reality, is just a lot to handle.

COMPLETELY understand theheartache & pain that comes with this.
I can imagine how low you're feeling.
It's a good thing you're not reaching out anymore & that you've accepted that the friendship you had is no more. You know, there's only so much you can do to show someone that you care to be around them, that you still love them. It's not personal sometimes. People grow old & apart (sad reality), some just don't relate with old friends anymore because of where they're at with their lives.
I'm going through something similar & I've tried to stay out of sight of this person but sometimes it doesn't help, you have mutual friends & you just end up hearing what's going on, you get nostalgic & it just brings memories you miss & wish they were still part of your life. From what I see, for you, it works better when you don't see this ex friend or hear about him & what's going on with his life, I say continue that way. For me, it just saddens me, whether in contact or not. What I've tried doing is live my life, try achieve my goals & have a plan set for myself. I'm in the process of making friends & be around people who appreciate my presence. Basically, I'm CREATING NEW MEMORIES & not hold on to the past. Trying to appreciate & live in the present. It's hard but possible. Slowly but surely.
I wish you all the best, take care.

 

[Kid_A]

Wow, this really struck home with me. It's a little sad to think that you shouldn't reach out to such an old friend, I know I feel like I don't want to remember my old friend who's gone. At the same time I can't help but try and ask how he's doing every now and then even though I know I'd never be welcomed to his place. It's hard when you can't forget about someone you've loved and no one can ever take their place.

I have also been OK for awhile now but recently started getting those very nostalgic feelings. I really treasured my friends but I made the stupid choice of moving to another country for love and that love was just a co-dependent relationship. I grew out of co-dependency too late though, and now it's too late for me to go back. I don't really have a home any more, at least it feels this way.

Those are some smart words there, mslonely.

 

[lostatsea]

It's not that I shouldn't reach out. It's that I can't. There is no reaching out. I have been cut off completely. I tried several times to contact him right when the friendship ended, with zero replies.

I was in such a deep depression. The friend tried to help. Like really tried. But he got frustrated that I wouldn't just do what he said.

I didn't realize then. But a therapist put it best when she said "a person who has tipped from sadness into depression won’t be able to do what they need, even if they know what it is." Friends felt too drained and cut me off. No big fights. Just wished me the best of luck and said I need to come back when I fixed myself. There was nothing they could do. At the same time when I tried to reach out again, it was too late. No replies.

I haven't been depressed in a long while. I was really sad yesterday when the reality that someone I was close with just had a baby and I never even knew he was expecting. But the initial shock has worn down and I'm feeling fine today.

Mslonely really did give the best advice. I just need to keep the focus on myself. Live in the moment, doing the best I can.

 

[mslonely]

It's hard when you can't forget about someone you've loved and no one can ever take their place.

On most days this is what I think, but people/new friends come by & remind you that the person you thought was not replaceable infact IS (not exactly who they are & what they offered but a new friend will come by & offer their own kind of happiness & connection), even though these new friendships don't last due to "right person, wrong time" I am hopeful that one day lost friendships will not cause heartaches, just really good memories. You know what they say, "when one door closes, another opens". Just need to believe & try our best to move on. We really deserve better than dwelling on the past, on people who themselves have moved on & doing well without you. We need to appreciate the good times shared, their love, advice, etc & believe that it was not meant to last but rather it was meant to last for the period they were in our lives. It's certainly not easy but hopefully it'll all be worth it.

---

But the initial shock has worn down and I'm feeling fine today.

Glad to hear you're feeling better today. Yes, the sadness that comes with the realisation of a lost friend will do that to you, shock you hard. it's like "wait.. is this real life", you have to assure yourself with a pinch sometimes But it's good that you're fine.
Keep well.