Reflection

[cognitive]

Hi there everyone,

I haven't posted in a long time, but just wanted to put my thoughts down and see if anyone else felt the same.

I Started dating a lady recently. Before, I spent so much time hoping to meet someone. The prospect of being loved seemed so far away. Now, I spend all my time fearing the loss of it. It's as if the remedy has become worse than the illness. I've already made mistakes, told her I like her too much, flirted using text. I just like her and don't want to lose what we have but end up messing things up because of the fear of being alone again. I feel so vulnerable. As if I'm waiting for an axe to fall on my dreams.

Anyway, sorry, its just been causing me a lot of pain. Anyone else experience this?

Thank you

 

[Demian]

Reading through these forums, I see a common theme. In relationships, the very act of "trying hard" to make a relationship happen in and of itself foils any actual attempt at success. It reminds me of the story about the millipede who never thinks twice about how easily he coordinates all of his legs when he walks... until the day that some insect asks the millipede "How is it that you can get all of your many legs to walk in tandem?" At which point, the millipede begins to think and think and think about how it is possible, and then falls over helplessly on the ground.

When I was a lot younger, I remember I was in love with a girl and constantly stressed about--- and analyzed--- every little thing that I did with her. I assumed that if I gave it a tremendous amount of thought and consideration, it would improve my odds. In fact, the opposite was true. Overthinking and over analyzing made me hesitate and dither. It ruined my confidence when I was around her, made me hesitant, made me appear anxious even though it wasn't in my personality, and I generally just appeared unattractive to her because of it. I tried to ask her on a date in this sorry state, and while she was kind, she turned me down. Later, once I'd gotten together with my now-wife, I simply stopped caring about what women thought of me. That's when suddenly they all became interested in me. Why? Because I could joke more easily, express my wit, and was generally just more fun to be around. What's more, that same girl who "didn't want me" changed her mind not long after, but by that point, I'd already moved on.

I know it sounds like hard advice to follow, but remind yourself that there are plenty of fish in the sea. It's important to care about your spouse when the relationship is ripe and mature, but I think if you reminded yourself that the stakes aren't very high whenever you are on a date, it will actually improves your odds of success.

 

[cognitive]

Thanks Demian. I appreciate the analogy and advice. It just feels like there is this dark cloud of loneliness around me and I'm trying so hard not to be enveloped by it.

 

[Paraiyar]

I know it's easier said than done but just try and relax. You can't know the future around these things with any certainty, you could stay with this woman forever or it could be over. You may as well just enjoy it while it's there otherwise there isn't any point to the relationship anyway. Also, try to feel positive about the fact you've managed to get into a relationship since it likely means you can do it again in the future if you need to. Many members here haven't got that far...

 

[red guy]

Just what Demian said. (btw how do you up vote a comment?)
Make it about her not about you. Read her reactions. Something too much trim it. Something to little improve. There is no secret formula but pay attention to her not yourself so much.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Hi there everyone,

I haven't posted in a long time, but just wanted to put my thoughts down and see if anyone else felt the same.

I Started dating a lady recently. Before, I spent so much time hoping to meet someone. The prospect of being loved seemed so far away. Now, I spend all my time fearing the loss of it. It's as if the remedy has become worse than the illness. I've already made mistakes, told her I like her too much, flirted using text. I just like her and don't want to lose what we have but end up messing things up because of the fear of being alone again. I feel so vulnerable. As if I'm waiting for an axe to fall on my dreams.

Anyway, sorry, its just been causing me a lot of pain. Anyone else experience this?

Thank you

Yes, the few girlfriends (and female friends) I have had, I was always expecting it to go wrong. When to send a text, when to ring her up, where to go, what to say, constant nightmare. Wondering if she's bothered, wondering if I'm that bothered. Wondering where it is going ?

On and on, a utter nightmare.

And when it did go wrong, she lost interest or messed off with somebody else there was that feeling of 'told you so, it was always going to happen'

Horrible experience.

That's why I say be careful what you wish for !

---

Reading through these forums, I see a common theme. In relationships, the very act of "trying hard" to make a relationship happen in and of itself foils any actual attempt at success. It reminds me of the story about the millipede who never thinks twice about how easily he coordinates all of his legs when he walks... until the day that some insect asks the millipede "How is it that you can get all of your many legs to walk in tandem?" At which point, the millipede begins to think and think and think about how it is possible, and then falls over helplessly on the ground.

When I was a lot younger, I remember I was in love with a girl and constantly stressed about--- and analyzed--- every little thing that I did with her. I assumed that if I gave it a tremendous amount of thought and consideration, it would improve my odds. In fact, the opposite was true. Overthinking and over analyzing made me hesitate and dither. It ruined my confidence when I was around her, made me hesitant, made me appear anxious even though it wasn't in my personality, and I generally just appeared unattractive to her because of it. I tried to ask her on a date in this sorry state, and while she was kind, she turned me down. Later, once I'd gotten together with my now-wife, I simply stopped caring about what women thought of me. That's when suddenly they all became interested in me. Why? Because I could joke more easily, express my wit, and was generally just more fun to be around. What's more, that same girl who "didn't want me" changed her mind not long after, but by that point, I'd already moved on.

I know it sounds like hard advice to follow, but remind yourself that there are plenty of fish in the sea. It's important to care about your spouse when the relationship is ripe and mature, but I think if you reminded yourself that the stakes aren't very high whenever you are on a date, it will actually improves your odds of success.

Some really good advice there.

 

[cognitive]

Hi there everyone,

I haven't posted in a long time, but just wanted to put my thoughts down and see if anyone else felt the same.

I Started dating a lady recently. Before, I spent so much time hoping to meet someone. The prospect of being loved seemed so far away. Now, I spend all my time fearing the loss of it. It's as if the remedy has become worse than the illness. I've already made mistakes, told her I like her too much, flirted using text. I just like her and don't want to lose what we have but end up messing things up because of the fear of being alone again. I feel so vulnerable. As if I'm waiting for an axe to fall on my dreams.

Anyway, sorry, its just been causing me a lot of pain. Anyone else experience this?

Thank you

Yes, the few girlfriends (and female friends) I have had, I was always expecting it to go wrong. When to send a text, when to ring her up, where to go, what to say, constant nightmare. Wondering if she's bothered, wondering if I'm that bothered. Wondering where it is going ?

On and on, a utter nightmare.

And when it did go wrong, she lost interest or messed off with somebody else there was that feeling of 'told you so, it was always going to happen'

Horrible experience.

That's why I say be careful what you wish for !

---

Reading through these forums, I see a common theme. In relationships, the very act of "trying hard" to make a relationship happen in and of itself foils any actual attempt at success. It reminds me of the story about the millipede who never thinks twice about how easily he coordinates all of his legs when he walks... until the day that some insect asks the millipede "How is it that you can get all of your many legs to walk in tandem?" At which point, the millipede begins to think and think and think about how it is possible, and then falls over helplessly on the ground.

When I was a lot younger, I remember I was in love with a girl and constantly stressed about--- and analyzed--- every little thing that I did with her. I assumed that if I gave it a tremendous amount of thought and consideration, it would improve my odds. In fact, the opposite was true. Overthinking and over analyzing made me hesitate and dither. It ruined my confidence when I was around her, made me hesitant, made me appear anxious even though it wasn't in my personality, and I generally just appeared unattractive to her because of it. I tried to ask her on a date in this sorry state, and while she was kind, she turned me down. Later, once I'd gotten together with my now-wife, I simply stopped caring about what women thought of me. That's when suddenly they all became interested in me. Why? Because I could joke more easily, express my wit, and was generally just more fun to be around. What's more, that same girl who "didn't want me" changed her mind not long after, but by that point, I'd already moved on.

I know it sounds like hard advice to follow, but remind yourself that there are plenty of fish in the sea. It's important to care about your spouse when the relationship is ripe and mature, but I think if you reminded yourself that the stakes aren't very high whenever you are on a date, it will actually improves your odds of success.

Some really good advice there.

---

Yeah, I get all those type of thoughts. Difficult not to engage with them. Thanks, for the advice everyone. Its levelling off a bit now and I feel a little more confident, but trying not to get my hopes up too much.

 

[ABrokenMan]

If you constantly worry about things going wrong when you are with a partner, things will eventually go wrong - because of your fears and resistance to let go of negativity.

Enjoy the newfound companionship for what it is and stop worrying about 'what if this ends and i am alone.'

If you are going to swim in perpetual negativity, really.... just give up and focus on something other than a relationship.
no girl / woman is going to come along and rescue you or change your life. YOU have to do that. It starts with your thinking.