Releasing My Insecurities

[TheSkaFish]

It's easier for them to say "take what you like and leave the rest" than for them to actually put the attitude in practice. I don't really know how I can help you, but I am sorry people chose to misinterpret your posts. I wish you luck in your career searches.

Yeah, I guess I just phrase things badly so that it emphasizes the wrong things, and not what I was really trying to talk about. Anyway, thanks for wishing me luck. Even a decent job wouldn't completely fix my confidence though, it would just be a small boost and just in one area. I'd still have to fix the rest.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

It's easier for them to say "take what you like and leave the rest" than for them to actually put the attitude in practice. I don't really know how I can help you, but I am sorry people chose to misinterpret your posts. I wish you luck in your career searches.

Yeah, I guess I just phrase things badly so that it emphasizes the wrong things, and not what I was really trying to talk about. Anyway, thanks for wishing me luck. Even a decent job wouldn't completely fix my confidence though, it would just be a small boost and just in one area. I'd still have to fix the rest.

I thought you expressed yourself well. If people chose to highlight one issue and ignore the rest, then the problem is with them.
Out of curiosity, and I don't mean to dwell too much on the job issue, but... what type of job are you looking for? Do you have anything specific in mind?

 

[kamya]

Maybe a life coach could help? honeysuckle I dunno lol. You need something. To help figure it out and get your life moving again.

You can do those type of jobs though without feeling like a loser. All of those negative things you mentioned are all coming from your head. It's just how you would view the situation.

It would be better to see it as character building or a temporary state of being that you are in until you can get what you want. Then again if you don't have bills to pay then I guess not working is a more attractive option.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I thought you expressed yourself well. If people chose to highlight one issue and ignore the rest, then the problem is with them.
Out of curiosity, and I don't mean to dwell too much on the job issue, but... what type of job are you looking for? Do you have anything specific in mind?

As far as what I'm looking for, lots of things, actually. Accounting jobs (not the CPA ones of course, since I don't have that), writing jobs (the business kind, not fiction - though that is my real interest), and other miscellaneous entry-level business jobs. I didn't want to do this before because I'm not really interested in it, not really enjoying my coursework and having a really lousy time in the office where I worked 6 years ago, but now I'm seeing that it's my best chance at getting on my feet financially until I can come up with another idea for what I'd like to do. I have never known what I wanted to be when I grew up, and now that I have grown up I still don't know. This is something I could write a whole other post about so I left it out of this one, plus, I thought these problems are underlying my money problem.

Having something specific in mind would be helpful, for sure. I know I need to do more career research. Knowing what I want would help my confidence, and as shallow as it sounds, making at least decent money would also boost my confidence but like I said, only a little bit. As long as I'm working for someone else I won't truly feel strong. I'll feel like they basically own me and that feeling makes me bristle. I've always hated that feeling of subservience and limitation. The shame of being dominated and the anger of being too weak to beat it. It bothers me to be relegated. I find this to be a recurring theme in all areas of my life.

 

[Sometimes]

My two cents, from the original post: I think one of the most lasting and hard to get rid of effects is it makes you take your own personal and natural characteristics that you were born with that are totally ok and natural, and label them as wrong, or unwanted, or unacceptable. Even after the source of the original pain is long gone.

Ferreting out knee-jerk self-deprecations that come up in situations with other people that hit buried experiences from the past is hard work. I've found that to do this work means to put yourself into varied situations which might actually bring this stuff up. Then you have to make a new decision that this aspect of you is ok.

And, I've found that there always seems to be one more knee-jerk lurking in the background.

I was bullied in my home to the extent that I stopped going home.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hey Ska.

Good on you for posting such an honest summary of your life. It's not easy and you should be commended for doing it. I'm sorry it hasn't been received in the spirit it was intended.

I second lifestream's comment. I know people here are often hesitant to raise their hands and pour their hearts out about their lives for fear of being mocked or abused. So I applaud you, SkaFish, for posting honestly about yourself. Ignore the cheap shots, they are no more helpful than the bullies you faced in the past.

-Teresa

 

[VanillaCreme]

Seriously, what the fresia. I made this thread in the hopes of trying to HEAL some long-standing feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, and low self-worth I had and try to learn to feel EMPOWERED, not to have those feelings REINFORCED. I didn't make this just so I could be told, yeah you're right SkaFish, it really IS that you just aren't good enough and that you should just accept it, just roll over and die. It's that you're just naturally a ******* loser.

Aside from Teresa's post, and a few others, the rest of these posts have been totally useless and counter to what I posted in the first place.

I don't understand these people that go out of their way to attack on here. If you don't like a thread don't post in it, and if you don't like a user, don't talk to them. Especially when it's something about their life and not about anything to do with you. Why is that so hard?

It's easier for them to say "take what you like and leave the rest" than for them to actually put the attitude in practice. I don't really know how I can help you, but I am sorry people chose to misinterpret your posts. I wish you luck in your career searches.

Don't start taking shots. Thank you.

 

[SofiasMami]

I'm not surprised the forum seems quieter these days, especially after seeing SkaFish cruelly told here that his "attitude is honeysuckle".
Thank goodness there are so many other ways for us members to connect off the forum. To regulars and newbies - PM me if you want to connect!

-Teresa

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm not surprised the forum seems quieter these days, especially after seeing SkaFish cruelly told here that his "attitude is honeysuckle".
Thank goodness there are so many other ways for us members to connect off the forum. To regulars and newbies - PM me if you want to connect!

-Teresa

If that was cruel to you, you must live in a happy circus with lollipops and gumdrops. I'm not going to act like I'm a saint when I'm not. My opinion was honest, regardless of how anyone wants to try and break it down. It doesn't even matter what I say most likely, because he's always going to associate my name with negativity because he hasn't liked what I've told him in the past. But that doesn't mean I'm ever going to pat someone on the back and cushion my words. I'm going to remain honest and true to myself, sweetheart, and nothing's going to change that.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I was really hoping to avoid arguments here. I guess my personal beliefs about specific things that make me feel inferior are a divisive issue. It just really bothers me when the answers I get in anything, be it money, interests, dating, whatever is "you need to adjust to the problem" when my question is always "how do I BEAT this thing?"

But arguing details isn't the answer. Let's get back on track to the general issues.

Let's talk about recovering from insecurities and low self-image, building up confidence when it was attacked early, repairing self-image after something like bullying or being socially ostracized, going from seeing oneself as a powerless victim to seeing oneself an empowered actor. Let's talk about bouncing back from being made to feel inferior.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

I'm not surprised the forum seems quieter these days, especially after seeing SkaFish cruelly told here that his "attitude is honeysuckle".
Thank goodness there are so many other ways for us members to connect off the forum. To regulars and newbies - PM me if you want to connect!

-Teresa

If that was cruel to you, you must live in a happy circus with lollipops and gumdrops. I'm not going to act like I'm a saint when I'm not. My opinion was honest, regardless of how anyone wants to try and break it down. It doesn't even matter what I say most likely, because he's always going to associate my name with negativity because he hasn't liked what I've told him in the past. But that doesn't mean I'm ever going to pat someone on the back and cushion my words. I'm going to remain honest and true to myself, sweetheart, and nothing's going to change that.

Oh fresia off, you useless sow. For someone who claims to loathe people shunning personal responsibility, you sure love to shift the blame on others misunderstanding you when people react negatively to your comments. Pathetic. I can't blame you, though, as ALL is the only place someone takes you seriously.

And by the way, you can accuse me of taking shots all you want, but don't act like your dumb ass wasn't taking shots when you labeled Ska's personality "shitty". You mistake honesty for rudeness, as so many of your ilk are wont to do.

Last, but most decidely not least, "sweetheart": This board has got to be one of the most incompetently managed forums I've ever seen. Legitimate shitstirrers like TheRealCallie and Menorahman are given free rein, while anyone who speaks out against it is labelled an "instigator" or told "take what you like and leave the rest". I can't wait for the day this forum self-implodes.

Welp. That's that. You can give me my vacation now.

 

[SofiasMami]

You're the wrong type of person to be moderating a forum for lonely people with threads about low self-esteem, VanillaCreme. Your aggression is too much. Leave Ska alone.

-Teresa

 

[VanillaCreme]

You're the wrong type of person to be moderating a forum for lonely people with threads about low self-esteem, VanillaCreme. Your aggression is too much. Leave Ska alone.

-Teresa

For someone who has made a friend in someone who blatantly disrespects people, I couldn't care less if you think I'm right or wrong.

 

[kamya]

Perhaps try to come up with a unique medium term goal and try to achieve it. For me it seems that once I started accomplishing my first few goals, and getting that really good feeling from it, the momentum just kind of carried me and it always keeps me going and pushing myself onto the next thing.

You just need to get started to build the momentum. It doesn't have to be something huge. Just something mediumly difficult yet achievable that you can work towards.

 

[lifestream]

Vanilla, why are you a moderator? What drew you to it?

 

[Paraiyar]

Having something specific in mind would be helpful, for sure. I know I need to do more career research. Knowing what I want would help my confidence, and as shallow as it sounds, making at least decent money would also boost my confidence but like I said, only a little bit. As long as I'm working for someone else I won't truly feel strong. I'll feel like they basically own me and that feeling makes me bristle. I've always hated that feeling of subservience and limitation. The shame of being dominated and the anger of being too weak to beat it. It bothers me to be relegated. I find this to be a recurring theme in all areas of my life.

Please don't take what I'm about to say as a personal attack because it isn't meant to be: Nilla may have been a little overly brash in what she said but on reading this paragraph, I can't help but think she has a point. You are approaching some central aspects of life with the wrong attitude. It kind of comes across like you have so much you want from life but you aren't willing to make any of the bare minimum sacrifices to have a chance of achieving it.

You say that you hate the idea of working under someone else but do you have an area that you are skilled enough to become self-employed in? I get that working entry level jobs is not fun and technology may one day bring society to a point where we don't have to work but that obviously has yet to happen and so we have to make do with the cards that are given to us. You may just have to cast your misgivings aside and deal with it. We tend to be our own worst enemies and it kind ofsounds like you're just shooting yourself in the foot by being so inflexible in your attitude towards working under someone else, something a lot of people don't want to do but realize that they aren't exempt from.

And I'm not saying any of this to upset you, it's just my thoughts on the matter.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I know people here are often hesitant to raise their hands and pour their hearts out about their lives for fear of being mocked or abused. So I applaud you, SkaFish, for posting honestly about yourself.

Thanks. I have to say I'm disappointed in the way all this turned out though. I was reading a few articles lately about bullying and social ostracizing in a person's early years and how it can have long-term effects on a person's confidence, self-image, and self-esteem and it just made me think that maybe that's what happened to me, maybe that's why I have these feelings of being not good enough. I know that I struggle with those things I mentioned. I thought I was okay because I was no longer that bothered about the specific events, but I thought it made me see myself in a way that set me up to make mistakes later in life. Like, I might have been over the specific bullying, but how I was treated in childhood and adolescence subconsciously conditioned me to see myself as "less than" and it was causing me to not believe in my ability to get a good job so I'm not trying hard enough, not work on my interests because I believe I just can't be good enough, and fear that I'm not good enough for the girls I liked, so I went into talking to them with a lot of insecurity and self-doubt instead of my best self, making all kinds of mistakes that I wouldn't have if I knew better and making a much worse impression than I could have if I had higher self-esteem. I wondered if it was all basically a self-fulfilling prophecy because of my low self-image.

The articles said that talking about the bullying, exclusion, and whatever else that caused the low self-esteem and confidence could help me heal from it and free myself of the feelings of inferiority, and that's what I was trying to do. I never meant for this to turn into an argument that would result in bans and hurtful things being said to everybody.

 

[lifestream]

It's not your fault, Ska. You showed some openness and vulnerability here. That's never a bad thing.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Having something specific in mind would be helpful, for sure. I know I need to do more career research. Knowing what I want would help my confidence, and as shallow as it sounds, making at least decent money would also boost my confidence but like I said, only a little bit. As long as I'm working for someone else I won't truly feel strong. I'll feel like they basically own me and that feeling makes me bristle. I've always hated that feeling of subservience and limitation. The shame of being dominated and the anger of being too weak to beat it. It bothers me to be relegated. I find this to be a recurring theme in all areas of my life.

I have no idea what is going on in this thread but this caught my eye. If you feel this way you are working for the wrong person. I've been on both sides of the coins, worked for someone, ran a business, been manager, and I much rather work for someone than run a business. If you can't deal with or manage stress you can't effectively run a business there is too much stress in doing so. It takes a lot emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I've worked for someone who treated their employees like honeysuckle and their own personal property and enjoyed manipulating people. I've worked for someone who was a bully and thought you lead through intimidation and yelling at your employees. I now work for someone who doesn't do any of those things, we all get along very well. Not everyday is perfect and some are stressful but there are more laughs and fun than negatives. You can work for someone and not feel as what you've mentioned above.

 

[Paraiyar]

I know people here are often hesitant to raise their hands and pour their hearts out about their lives for fear of being mocked or abused. So I applaud you, SkaFish, for posting honestly about yourself.

Thanks. I have to say I'm disappointed in the way all this turned out though. I was reading a few articles lately about bullying and social ostracizing in a person's early years and how it can have long-term effects on a person's confidence, self-image, and self-esteem and it just made me think that maybe that's what happened to me, maybe that's why I have these feelings of being not good enough. I know that I struggle with those things I mentioned. I thought I was okay because I was no longer that bothered about the specific events, but I thought it made me see myself in a way that set me up to make mistakes later in life. Like, I might have been over the specific bullying, but how I was treated in childhood and adolescence subconsciously conditioned me to see myself as "less than" and it was causing me to not believe in my ability to get a good job so I'm not trying hard enough, not work on my interests because I believe I just can't be good enough, and fearing that I'm not good enough for the girls I liked so I went into talking to them as insecure instead of my best self.

The articles said that talking about the bullying, exclusion, and whatever else that caused the low self-esteem and confidence could help me heal from it and free myself of the feelings of inferiority, and that's what I was trying to do. I never meant for this to turn into an argument that would result in bans and hurtful things being said to everybody.

I get that insecurities can derail you from doing the things you want, I've had the same issue. I've sort of started to fix it though. I think the simple truth is that you have to force yourself to stop shying away from the doing the things that trigger your insecurities, almost like forcing yourself to walk into an ice cold shower. I realize this could sound like unhelpful advice kind of akin to saying "just do it" but I don't know what other advice to give. I do think that the more you go out of your comfort zone, the easier it gets though.