MissLonely79
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Hello,
Thought I'd share a big heavy thought that I've disected and analyzed for quite a while now.
Back story: Well, I am pretty lonely in my life. I've been a loner for almost all of my life now. However, I didn't start out that way necessarily. Even though I was pretty badly bullied in elementry school, I still had friends. Maybe not the best of friends that truly cared about me, but I was social. In highschool, I even became pretty popular but that went all down the tube in my mid to late teens. I suffered from a very dysfunctional family life, phyiscal and sexual abuse and bipolar which I never took seriously until late in my life, until it could not be ignored anymore. Anyway, I pretty much became completely isolated but somehow still functioned. If things weren't bad enough, I became a teen mother. I only had one child my entire life, she's almost 21 now. She was my life. We struggled pretty badly our entire lives. I didn't realize how much of introvert I became. I was totally ok with being alone and friendless for most of my late teens and all the way up until 30. Don't get me wrong, I had 3 major relationships and a few friends in between that time, but for the most part, or rather for a lot of it, I was by myself. I was just so betrayed and hurt and judged by people that I just find it sooooooooooo much easier just NOT to deal with people. Isolate myself. And it was such a RELIEF to be honest. Did I get lonely? Sure. Did I want more people around for my daughter? Of course. But I grew up with a HUGE family. Hundreds of members on each side and it didn't do squat for me. I never bonded with any of my cousins. None of them except for 4 were around my age but even though I tried, we just never got close. No one gave a sh*t about me. I had a second cousin, and our families were really close. We went to the same high school at one point and I was so excited. She was 3 years older than me. But she never even said hi to me or acknowledge me. My friends would say at first when they found out, "hey you guys are cousins, that's so cool" but they had to notice that she never acknowledged me and wondered why we didn't talk. It was pretty obvious. All of that really hurt me by the way but I kept that burried deeply. It's just nobody in my family cared about me. I was never special to anyone.
Anyway, I didn't want my daughter to feel that pain. I kept her for the most part, even though I didn't always succeed, but I kept her away from family and people in general unless they were her own friends.
Anyway! I digress! I think you all can get a semi-picture of my life.
Let me get to the point, at about 30 years old ,when my untreated mental illness finally broke and just life in general constantly falling apart on me, I just couldn't take being alone anymore like I use to. It wasn't until about 32 years old that I found myself missing friends, people, family (that I never thought I miss!) that I need SOME socialization. I was dying from being alone which I am sure most of you here have felt. That feeling is immensely suffocating to say the least and so **** lonely! I couldn't be alone anymore. I knew I could never get a relaitonship going with someone from past, even family members. Even though I missed friends and family desperately, I was never foolish enough to make myself believe that our past didn't happen. I knew who these people were and I knew they would never change. I've tried to reach out to them before only to meet with very painful rejections. I couldn't do that to myself anymore. Anyway, I've had roommates off and on for a long time but it wasn't until recently (the last 2 years) that I started turning to them for social interaction and I *never* had done that before. When I interview
Thought I'd share a big heavy thought that I've disected and analyzed for quite a while now.
Back story: Well, I am pretty lonely in my life. I've been a loner for almost all of my life now. However, I didn't start out that way necessarily. Even though I was pretty badly bullied in elementry school, I still had friends. Maybe not the best of friends that truly cared about me, but I was social. In highschool, I even became pretty popular but that went all down the tube in my mid to late teens. I suffered from a very dysfunctional family life, phyiscal and sexual abuse and bipolar which I never took seriously until late in my life, until it could not be ignored anymore. Anyway, I pretty much became completely isolated but somehow still functioned. If things weren't bad enough, I became a teen mother. I only had one child my entire life, she's almost 21 now. She was my life. We struggled pretty badly our entire lives. I didn't realize how much of introvert I became. I was totally ok with being alone and friendless for most of my late teens and all the way up until 30. Don't get me wrong, I had 3 major relationships and a few friends in between that time, but for the most part, or rather for a lot of it, I was by myself. I was just so betrayed and hurt and judged by people that I just find it sooooooooooo much easier just NOT to deal with people. Isolate myself. And it was such a RELIEF to be honest. Did I get lonely? Sure. Did I want more people around for my daughter? Of course. But I grew up with a HUGE family. Hundreds of members on each side and it didn't do squat for me. I never bonded with any of my cousins. None of them except for 4 were around my age but even though I tried, we just never got close. No one gave a sh*t about me. I had a second cousin, and our families were really close. We went to the same high school at one point and I was so excited. She was 3 years older than me. But she never even said hi to me or acknowledge me. My friends would say at first when they found out, "hey you guys are cousins, that's so cool" but they had to notice that she never acknowledged me and wondered why we didn't talk. It was pretty obvious. All of that really hurt me by the way but I kept that burried deeply. It's just nobody in my family cared about me. I was never special to anyone.
Anyway, I didn't want my daughter to feel that pain. I kept her for the most part, even though I didn't always succeed, but I kept her away from family and people in general unless they were her own friends.
Anyway! I digress! I think you all can get a semi-picture of my life.
Let me get to the point, at about 30 years old ,when my untreated mental illness finally broke and just life in general constantly falling apart on me, I just couldn't take being alone anymore like I use to. It wasn't until about 32 years old that I found myself missing friends, people, family (that I never thought I miss!) that I need SOME socialization. I was dying from being alone which I am sure most of you here have felt. That feeling is immensely suffocating to say the least and so **** lonely! I couldn't be alone anymore. I knew I could never get a relaitonship going with someone from past, even family members. Even though I missed friends and family desperately, I was never foolish enough to make myself believe that our past didn't happen. I knew who these people were and I knew they would never change. I've tried to reach out to them before only to meet with very painful rejections. I couldn't do that to myself anymore. Anyway, I've had roommates off and on for a long time but it wasn't until recently (the last 2 years) that I started turning to them for social interaction and I *never* had done that before. When I interview
