Hi all,
I haven't posted in a while, bust I just needed to get some things off my chest and don't really know where this issue might fight in with the rest of the forum topics.
I have a serious drive to make my way in this world on my own two feet in being financially, job, and socially independent. Though, it seems that as much as I try to do that, there are people in this world who make me feel that I can't. It is easy to say not to listen to these people, but when they are your family, it becomes quite hard to ignore. I have always been overshadowed by my sisters successes in life, and part of my drive to work hard and to one day become successful in my own right stems from this, but I have a hard time believing that others around me want the sames things that I want. I have been accused over again of working too hard and of having no life, but the truth of it is, is that the only way I know how to drown out these negative sounds is to focus on the material that I know will get me to a position in life that I so desperately want- that is to be independent financially and socially, be happy, and have a successful career that I can call my own, that I can say to my family that I am better than you have all thought.
I am juggling several things right now in the midst of studying for the LSATs and while this definately does not make me above anyone, when I conveyed my sentinment of "put yourself in my shoes," my feelings were simply cast aside, and instead was used against me in a way that was hurtful, made me seem insignificant, like I had lack of support, and really just lonely. While I understand my parents did not have an easy life, my reaction of why I am always studying was simply not out of a spoiled nature, or not to complain, but to actually state what I was feeling. Yet, even then this was used against me in an argument over the usage of my laptop in my room. While the correlation seems not even relative to the issue at hand, there were several points that one of my family members made that makes me just plain angry and frustrated. 1. That the contents of the room allocated to me since birth is not mine and that I have no right to be kicking that person out 2. That I should learn how to be respectful as per our tenants of faith and be aware of who I am talking to 3. That my feelings don't really matter, that the way I expressed my feelings of frustration over the usage of the computer was uncalled for 5. That things needing to be done in the household should not have to be told to me to do, I should just automatically know what to do, and that respect in ways pertaining to the lessening of household chores has been given to. While these points are all valid, I just feel like a total alien in my own household, like I am being placed in this box labled perfect in which the things that I am supposed to call my own I cannot, that my ability to express my feelings do not mean anything because they are viewed as disrespectful and not in adherence to my faith which I hold dear-and this point really hurts because i feel it is a direct accusation of a lack of faith and respect. I refuse to be kept in a position where I am constantly being made to feel like a bad person, a person who's feelings and goals are insignificant and without cause. The problem is, that I can never express these sentiments. Yet, I still feel that I work too **** hard to be put down. I think that I am not above anyone else, and I do what I can around the house- it may not be everything that my those in my household want me to do, but I am trying. I don't believe in one instance that i've complained to anyone over what I am trying to do. When asked I tell, but I have stopped voluntarily trying to share my feelings with others out of fear of retribution. I feel that no one gets me and that I am without support. The last thing I want to do is be dependent on my family, to hear that I have no life and that I work to hard in trying to get where I want in life. My fear is being dependent on my family and I am trying not to do so. However, at the same time I feel like I am digging my own grave. I don't know what to do, all I want is support and not to be chastised for expressing my feelings, for not doing a chore, or for working hard.
I'm sorry that this is so long.
- NY
I haven't posted in a while, bust I just needed to get some things off my chest and don't really know where this issue might fight in with the rest of the forum topics.
I have a serious drive to make my way in this world on my own two feet in being financially, job, and socially independent. Though, it seems that as much as I try to do that, there are people in this world who make me feel that I can't. It is easy to say not to listen to these people, but when they are your family, it becomes quite hard to ignore. I have always been overshadowed by my sisters successes in life, and part of my drive to work hard and to one day become successful in my own right stems from this, but I have a hard time believing that others around me want the sames things that I want. I have been accused over again of working too hard and of having no life, but the truth of it is, is that the only way I know how to drown out these negative sounds is to focus on the material that I know will get me to a position in life that I so desperately want- that is to be independent financially and socially, be happy, and have a successful career that I can call my own, that I can say to my family that I am better than you have all thought.
I am juggling several things right now in the midst of studying for the LSATs and while this definately does not make me above anyone, when I conveyed my sentinment of "put yourself in my shoes," my feelings were simply cast aside, and instead was used against me in a way that was hurtful, made me seem insignificant, like I had lack of support, and really just lonely. While I understand my parents did not have an easy life, my reaction of why I am always studying was simply not out of a spoiled nature, or not to complain, but to actually state what I was feeling. Yet, even then this was used against me in an argument over the usage of my laptop in my room. While the correlation seems not even relative to the issue at hand, there were several points that one of my family members made that makes me just plain angry and frustrated. 1. That the contents of the room allocated to me since birth is not mine and that I have no right to be kicking that person out 2. That I should learn how to be respectful as per our tenants of faith and be aware of who I am talking to 3. That my feelings don't really matter, that the way I expressed my feelings of frustration over the usage of the computer was uncalled for 5. That things needing to be done in the household should not have to be told to me to do, I should just automatically know what to do, and that respect in ways pertaining to the lessening of household chores has been given to. While these points are all valid, I just feel like a total alien in my own household, like I am being placed in this box labled perfect in which the things that I am supposed to call my own I cannot, that my ability to express my feelings do not mean anything because they are viewed as disrespectful and not in adherence to my faith which I hold dear-and this point really hurts because i feel it is a direct accusation of a lack of faith and respect. I refuse to be kept in a position where I am constantly being made to feel like a bad person, a person who's feelings and goals are insignificant and without cause. The problem is, that I can never express these sentiments. Yet, I still feel that I work too **** hard to be put down. I think that I am not above anyone else, and I do what I can around the house- it may not be everything that my those in my household want me to do, but I am trying. I don't believe in one instance that i've complained to anyone over what I am trying to do. When asked I tell, but I have stopped voluntarily trying to share my feelings with others out of fear of retribution. I feel that no one gets me and that I am without support. The last thing I want to do is be dependent on my family, to hear that I have no life and that I work to hard in trying to get where I want in life. My fear is being dependent on my family and I am trying not to do so. However, at the same time I feel like I am digging my own grave. I don't know what to do, all I want is support and not to be chastised for expressing my feelings, for not doing a chore, or for working hard.
I'm sorry that this is so long.
- NY
