She cancels data by text message - how to respond properly

[Xpendable]

I never see rejection as unexpected.

 

[LonesomeDay]

I like the flowchart.

At the end of the day one must make a personal decision as to whether the relationship (or lack of) is worth pursuing.

Sometimes the fear of rejection is justified, based on previous experience with the person.

The flowchart is a useful guide, imo.

 

[SofiasMami]

I like the flowchart.

At the end of the day one must make a personal decision as to whether the relationship (or lack of) is worth pursuing.

Sometimes the fear of rejection is justified, based on previous experience with the person.

The flowchart is a useful guide, imo.

I agree. Since I'm a member of the female species, this particular flowchart isn't news to me. But there are guys (maybe younger men with less life experience?) who simply do not know how to handle us women in situations like this. Speaking also as someone with some boobs and ovaries, I've seen that women can be complicated, passive-aggressive and enigmatic. If a flowchart helps a guy to have better outcomes in his dating life, who am I to judge? Flowchart as much as you want.

-Teresa

 

[ardour]

You say this, but posted a ridiculous chart for doing it. I agree with Danielle. Nothing in life can really - or should really be - described with any type of chart. Things are unexpected sometimes.

Cancelling at the last minute without suggesting a rain check indicates a lack of enthusiasm. Chart of not, the 'pursuer' at some point has to draw conclusions as to the other person's interest level.

At least Todd doesn't want to appear pushy or bother anyone.

 

[Batman55]

You say this, but posted a ridiculous chart for doing it. I agree with Danielle. Nothing in life can really - or should really be - described with any type of chart. Things are unexpected sometimes.

Some folks who lack social intuition might find something useful from charts or simple binary answers, on complex subjects like this. Socializing, for most people, is a complex thing.. for others, it is an extreme complexity that needs some kind of informed guidance to get anywhere.

 

[9006]

I find it hilarious you created a flowchart.

Life and dating is crazy, it can't be described with a "flowchart". There is no right or wrong when it comes to keeping or cancelling dates....give people a chance, not everyone sucks.

But this really.

 

[VanillaCreme]

You say this, but posted a ridiculous chart for doing it. I agree with Danielle. Nothing in life can really - or should really be - described with any type of chart. Things are unexpected sometimes.

Some folks who lack social intuition might find something useful from charts or simple binary answers, on complex subjects like this. Socializing, for most people, is a complex thing.. for others, it is an extreme complexity that needs some kind of informed guidance to get anywhere.

You don't have to explain anything to me. I know all of that as well as anyone else. But understanding all that doesn't mean that I can't think a flow chart is ridiculous. I'm not saying it's ridiculous because of the level of help someone might get from it. I say it's ridiculous because it really shouldn't be that difficult.

 

[Danielle]

People say that dating is a "Game", but it isn't. Real people are involved and real feelings are involved. I agree with Nilla, it really shouldn't be that difficult. If people drop the games, the flowcharts, the guessing and speculating and use their words to talk to others about how they feel and what their intentions are, it would be a lot easier to decide which path you feel a realtionship or a friendship should go.

I spent my teens, 20's and some of my 30's, guessing and trying to "read between the lines" while in reltionships and dating. Once I realized that all I had to do was talk to the person and ask what was up, or tell them what I was thinking/feeling, it got much easier. Communication, communication, communication.

 

[Xpendable]

There's nothing that can't be traced into patterns.

 

[bender22]

I agree with Todd's approach. If the girl cancels plans and doesn't make any indication that she would like to see you again, you have got an uphill battle. Not responding to it will usually give you as much chance of turning it around as any other response.

I'm sorry, but she goes to the trouble of NOT standing you up and tells you that she won't be able to make it and your advice is to completely ignore her?

Is it really much trouble to send a message saying you can't make it? Like ardour said, just common courtesy. Nothing rude about not responding to that whatsoever.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm sorry, but she goes to the trouble of NOT standing you up and tells you that she won't be able to make it and your advice is to completely ignore her?

Is it really much trouble to send a message saying you can't make it? Like ardour said, just common courtesy. Nothing rude about not responding to that whatsoever.

It would be a lot of trouble if the person has no intention of rescheduling and doesn't want anything to do with the guy.
If they have no intention at all of staying, at least, civil with the guy, why would they bother to cancel, why wouldn't they just stand them up and not send anything at all?

 

[ardour]

I'm sorry, but she goes to the trouble of NOT standing you up and tells you that she won't be able to make it and your advice is to completely ignore her?

Is it really much trouble to send a message saying you can't make it? Like ardour said, just common courtesy. Nothing rude about not responding to that whatsoever.

It would be a lot of trouble if the person has no intention of rescheduling and doesn't want anything to do with the guy.
If they have no intention at all of staying, at least, civil with the guy, why would they bother to cancel, why wouldn't they just stand them up and not send anything at all?

Out of consideration for another person, perhaps?

Some people might have enough empathy and respect to care about crazy stuff like manners and not standing someone up, regardless of whether they want to stay in contact.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm sorry, but she goes to the trouble of NOT standing you up and tells you that she won't be able to make it and your advice is to completely ignore her?

Is it really much trouble to send a message saying you can't make it? Like ardour said, just common courtesy. Nothing rude about not responding to that whatsoever.

It would be a lot of trouble if the person has no intention of rescheduling and doesn't want anything to do with the guy.
If they have no intention at all of staying, at least, civil with the guy, why would they bother to cancel, why wouldn't they just stand them up and not send anything at all?

Out of consideration for another person, perhaps?

Some people might have enough empathy and respect to care about crazy stuff like manners and not standing someone up, regardless of whether they want to stay in contact.

Well yeah, I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but if you totally ignore the woman and she was going to try again, chances are higher than she won't reschedule at all because of the rudeness of not responding.

 

[ardour]

I'm sorry, but she goes to the trouble of NOT standing you up and tells you that she won't be able to make it and your advice is to completely ignore her?

Is it really much trouble to send a message saying you can't make it? Like ardour said, just common courtesy. Nothing rude about not responding to that whatsoever.

It would be a lot of trouble if the person has no intention of rescheduling and doesn't want anything to do with the guy.
If they have no intention at all of staying, at least, civil with the guy, why would they bother to cancel, why wouldn't they just stand them up and not send anything at all?

Out of consideration for another person, perhaps?

Some people might have enough empathy and respect to care about crazy stuff like manners and not standing someone up, regardless of whether they want to stay in contact.

Well yeah, I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but if you totally ignore the woman and she was going to try again, chances are higher than she won't reschedule at all because of the rudeness of not responding.

What has that got to do with it?

You said it was okay to waste someone's time, money (transport expense), cause them embarrassment and pain as long as you had no further interest in their acquaintance. Because other people are only worthy of consideration if there's something in it for you, something to be gained.

That's what I'm responding to.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Is it really much trouble to send a message saying you can't make it? Like ardour said, just common courtesy. Nothing rude about not responding to that whatsoever.

It would be a lot of trouble if the person has no intention of rescheduling and doesn't want anything to do with the guy.
If they have no intention at all of staying, at least, civil with the guy, why would they bother to cancel, why wouldn't they just stand them up and not send anything at all?

Out of consideration for another person, perhaps?

Some people might have enough empathy and respect to care about crazy stuff like manners and not standing someone up, regardless of whether they want to stay in contact.

Well yeah, I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but if you totally ignore the woman and she was going to try again, chances are higher than she won't reschedule at all because of the rudeness of not responding.

What has that got to do with it?

You said it was okay to stand someone up, waste their time, money (transport expense), cause them embarrassment and pain, as long as you had no further interest in their acquaintance. Because other people are only worthy of consideration if there's something in it for you.

That's what I'm responding to.

It has everything to do with it. Just because she might not include a "let's reschedule" message in the cancel text doesn't mean that she doesn't want to to reschedule, but if you totally ignore her, she probably won't.
Maybe she was just nervous and needed more time or yeah, maybe she doesn't want to go at all, but you can't know and ignoring her cancel text will pretty much ensure that you don't get another chance.

Which is what my original post was about...you know, the one that you are essentially replying to. Because let's be honest here, quite a few people who want nothing to do with you aren't really going to have a problem just not showing up and first dates and then there's the fact that if she had no real intention of showing up, she likely wouldn't have said yes in the first place, unless she had every intention of standing you up, which wouldn't give you a cancel text.

 

[ardour]

If they have no intention at all of staying, at least, civil with the guy, why would they bother to cancel, why wouldn't they just stand them up and not send anything at all?

This is what I was replying to. Context doesn't alter the meaning of this statement - it's plain. Seems like you want to move the goalposts a bit or don't have the grace to retract and admit error.

First date or not, standing someone up is a shitty thing to do.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Out of consideration for another person, perhaps?

Some people might have enough empathy and respect to care about crazy stuff like manners and not standing someone up, regardless of whether they want to stay in contact.

I don't know why some people are under the impression we're owed consideration. We're really not. Sure, it's nice. But it's not to be given to us all the time.

If they have no intention at all of staying, at least, civil with the guy, why would they bother to cancel, why wouldn't they just stand them up and not send anything at all?

This is what I was replying to. Context doesn't alter the meaning of this statement - it's plain. Seems like you want to move the goalposts a bit or don't have the grace to retract and admit error.

First date or not, standing someone up is a shitty thing to do.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the whole point? She's saying that if she does want to remain friendly and civil, that they would bother to cancel, no matter how they do it. Anyone could just as easily not give any reason and completely leave the date behind them. But going back to Callie's original post in this (I think), if someone does give that consideration to call or text if they can't make it, why ignore them? Someone ignores someone who cared enough to formally cancel or push back a date? Who's being rude then, because it's not the person who showed enough decency to call or text.

 

[ABrokenMan]

In my thinking, some of you have the wrong concept regarding the old saying "I was stood up".

If plans were made in advance for a meeting, a date, travel, etc between two people, and one person decides to cancel
(phone call, text) directly to the other person ahead of time, it dopes not equate to being stood up.

Being stood up occurs when a meetup, date, etc has been agreed upon in advance by two people, and one person fails to arrive at the designated time and place without any sort of contact to let the other person know, well, that is truly the meaning of being stood up. It has happened to me.

Regardless of what you may think of the girl that canceled out on the OP, she did let him know.
i would just reply to her with the following brief e-mail or text:

I'm sorry to hear you can't make it;
thanks for letting me know, and
that we should talk about rescheduling another date soon.

And close with "I'll get back to you on this", leaving the OP in the driver's seat for the moment.

Her response should give a better view on whether or not she is interested.

 

[ardour]

I don't know why some people are under the impression we're owed consideration. We're really not. Sure, it's nice. But it's not to be given to us all the time.

Yes we are owed that minimum level of consideration. Particularly since it involves almost no effort.

Let's break it down to simple points...

Meeting for a date involves another person’s time (and money usually). Standing them up is akin to stealing their time.

Nobody forced anyone to agree to meet them in the first place so it is on the person who can't make it, or no longer feels like going, to let them know.

Someone ignores someone who cared enough to formally cancel or push back a date? Who's being rude then, because it's not the person who showed enough decency to call or text.

Again I don’t think there’s anything particularly caring about it, it doesn’t imply a continued interest on the part of the person cancelling. She might have just changed her mind but had enough BASIC AWARENESS to send a short message saying so… Christ.

If they do happen to wish to see them again, then perhaps it should be up to the person who cancelled to arrange that.

Or is it that you just expect men to always initiate?

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't know why some people are under the impression we're owed consideration. We're really not. Sure, it's nice. But it's not to be given to us all the time.

Yes we are owed that minimum level of consideration. Particularly since it involves almost no effort.

Let's break it down to simple points...

Meeting for a date involves another person’s time (and money usually). Standing them up is akin to stealing their time.

Nobody forced anyone to agree to meet them in the first place so it is on the person who can't make it, or no longer feels like going, to let them know.

No one's owed a forced consideration about canceling a date either. We're not owed an explanation, hence it called being a consideration. They can consider not to do it either.

Someone ignores someone who cared enough to formally cancel or push back a date? Who's being rude then, because it's not the person who showed enough decency to call or text.

Again I don’t think there’s anything particularly caring about it, it doesn’t imply a continued interest on the part of the person cancelling. She might have just changed her mind but had enough BASIC AWARENESS to send a short message saying so… Christ.

If they do happen to wish to see them again, then perhaps it should be up to the person who cancelled to arrange that.

Or is it that you just expect men to always initiate?

I don't expect men to initiate anything personally. This whole topic is irrelevant to me. I just can't help but comment when it's said that a consideration is supposed to happen. It wouldn't be a consideration if it's supposed to happen.