Not sure if I should post here, or under depression, or under relationships...
Please don't feel obliged to read all of this. I just need to get it out.
I'm lonely. And I'm depressed. I know why I feel this way, I understand it, but know why doesn't make it any easier to cope with. In truth I shouldn't feel this way because the Universe dictates that it's who I am and I'm equipped to deal with it, embrace it, accept it.... but right now it seems unbearable.
Three years ago I lost my daddy. He was old and he was sick and it was a blessing when he was gone because you never want to see the ones you love suffering. But still, he was my daddy. It was that moment in time when the rose colored glasses came off and I learned things about my father and realized there was so much I didn't know.
But I was okay with it, because he was old and sick and had a full life. It was his time.
A year and a half ago my son lost his father. I can't say I loved him, but there was always affection there because after all he was my son's father. We didn't have a great relationship through the years, but those last few months we were bridging the gap. He knew he was sick and he reached out to me, I wasn't going to turn my back on him. He was an alcoholic, he drank himself to death. Now I always knew he was drinker but I never knew just how bad it was. It turned our lives upside-down, my son and I. There was a lot of ugliness, family. It was difficult times.
But I was okay with it, he did it to himself. He lived his life the way he wanted.
Two months later...
The most important man in my life died. He was a friend, a lover, a mentor, a Master, my confidante. He was the only man who ever truly loved me for me, for who I am in spite of all my flaws and idiosyncrasies, and probably the only man who ever will. It was the closest I'll ever know to unconditional love. It was devastating, paralyzing, debilitating. He died of an over dose. He was on anti depressants that have known side effects to cause suicidal thoughts. He'd tried a few months earlier and I'd spent the night on chat with him talking him down. I made him promise me that he would never leave me. It was an accident, he didn't deliberately kill himself. But he's still gone...
I started seeing a psychic, call me crazy but you don't have to believe what I believe, and I don't have to believe what you believe, but we can all respect each others personal beliefs. So I talk to him all the time but twice a year I go to see the psychic to talk with him more directly. Yes, many of the things he's told me have come to fruition...
I never really had time to mourn with so much going on in my life, all the changes. I just never believed I'd be happy again, ever. To find that kind of love once in a life time is gift, I couldn't believe I'd ever find love again. But... the psychic. He told me I was going to meet someone, even gave me a name, he told me that he would be significant in my life. Of course, I wasn't listening because I was only there to talk to Luke. It wasn't until months later that I went back and listened to my session with him, something jogged my memory and I went back and listened.
There was no reason for our paths to ever cross. It was his second day on the job, I had stopped just to use the ATM even though I knew I'd still have to stop at the bank that day. I knew as soon as I looked into his eyes. He started giving me directions and I said something about getting to work.
Four hours later, headed to the bank I stopped again. That smile, you can't even believe that smile... and told him how lovely his eyes were. I made a bold move (for me) and asked him to join me for a drink sometime. And he said, yes, without hesitation, wrote down his name and number. It was a month later I listened to that session. The name the psychic gave me. The next few months were the happiest I've ever been. Sometimes we'd just get together for dinner or a movie. Sometimes I'd text him with a hotel name and room number and tell him to meet me after work. It was all the strange little coincidences. He needed to make an appt with his eye doctor, the only day they had available happened to be the day I took off work... a day I had requested a week before he called for the appt. I would text him and say, you're going to get a job offer. Six hours later he'd ask, how did you know that? Some guy just offered me a job.
When I met him his life was complicated. He was having a hard time and was struggling to get back on his feet. He didn't have transportation. His truck broke, it wasn't worth fixing given its age and the cost involved. I found him a car. I asked if I could stop by after work, I had to give him something. He said yes but he didn't have much time and I said it wouldn't take long. He was amazed. And I told him that he now gad to drive me back to my car so he could get to where he needed to be. Instead he said he had a surprise for me too, and he drove me to the store and bought me a balloon.
I had done something really great at work earlier in the week, and my boss was so pleased she asked what she could do for me. I told her I wanted a skullie balloon. Instead she got me cookies, granted they were my favourite cookies, but I really wanted that balloon. And he knew this. He bought me that balloon. He said he knew I was stopping after work and he couldn't get a ride to the store, and he knew if he walked it he wouldn't have gotten back in time...
And then I showed up, with a solution, with a car. It's the little things that matter the most. No one truly understands how much that gesture meant to me.
Then one night he stayed over, we got up in the morning, I made him coffee, told him to have a great day at work, sent him off with a kiss... and never saw him again. He just walked out of my life. One week he's writing me poetry, the next he's gone. I got a text, something about his life getting too complicated. We've communicated since, he still has a key to the house. I gave that to him with the stipulation that when he decides he doesn't want me to be a part of his life then he can return it. After he walked out of my life, well he returned my things, everything but the key.
It's just, they way he did it. After losing Luke the way I did, one day he was just gone. It was like salt in a wound that hadn't even begun to heal. And everything has just gone wrong since. Winter had me depressed, it always does. Work, there's just been so many changes. Issues at home, still trying to settle this estste, still trying to help him because all I ever wanted was just to help him because I've been where he is. Then I had a health scare, that left me with medical bills...
It just seems to always get harder. I'm a single mother working six days a week and not getting ahead, and it's all just starting to overwhelm me. Every difficult situation I've ever had to face in my life I've had to face alone.
Life is easier when you have someone to share it with, to help shoulder the burden, to lean on for strength. I feel lost.
Please don't feel obliged to read all of this. I just need to get it out.
I'm lonely. And I'm depressed. I know why I feel this way, I understand it, but know why doesn't make it any easier to cope with. In truth I shouldn't feel this way because the Universe dictates that it's who I am and I'm equipped to deal with it, embrace it, accept it.... but right now it seems unbearable.
Three years ago I lost my daddy. He was old and he was sick and it was a blessing when he was gone because you never want to see the ones you love suffering. But still, he was my daddy. It was that moment in time when the rose colored glasses came off and I learned things about my father and realized there was so much I didn't know.
But I was okay with it, because he was old and sick and had a full life. It was his time.
A year and a half ago my son lost his father. I can't say I loved him, but there was always affection there because after all he was my son's father. We didn't have a great relationship through the years, but those last few months we were bridging the gap. He knew he was sick and he reached out to me, I wasn't going to turn my back on him. He was an alcoholic, he drank himself to death. Now I always knew he was drinker but I never knew just how bad it was. It turned our lives upside-down, my son and I. There was a lot of ugliness, family. It was difficult times.
But I was okay with it, he did it to himself. He lived his life the way he wanted.
Two months later...
The most important man in my life died. He was a friend, a lover, a mentor, a Master, my confidante. He was the only man who ever truly loved me for me, for who I am in spite of all my flaws and idiosyncrasies, and probably the only man who ever will. It was the closest I'll ever know to unconditional love. It was devastating, paralyzing, debilitating. He died of an over dose. He was on anti depressants that have known side effects to cause suicidal thoughts. He'd tried a few months earlier and I'd spent the night on chat with him talking him down. I made him promise me that he would never leave me. It was an accident, he didn't deliberately kill himself. But he's still gone...
I started seeing a psychic, call me crazy but you don't have to believe what I believe, and I don't have to believe what you believe, but we can all respect each others personal beliefs. So I talk to him all the time but twice a year I go to see the psychic to talk with him more directly. Yes, many of the things he's told me have come to fruition...
I never really had time to mourn with so much going on in my life, all the changes. I just never believed I'd be happy again, ever. To find that kind of love once in a life time is gift, I couldn't believe I'd ever find love again. But... the psychic. He told me I was going to meet someone, even gave me a name, he told me that he would be significant in my life. Of course, I wasn't listening because I was only there to talk to Luke. It wasn't until months later that I went back and listened to my session with him, something jogged my memory and I went back and listened.
There was no reason for our paths to ever cross. It was his second day on the job, I had stopped just to use the ATM even though I knew I'd still have to stop at the bank that day. I knew as soon as I looked into his eyes. He started giving me directions and I said something about getting to work.
Four hours later, headed to the bank I stopped again. That smile, you can't even believe that smile... and told him how lovely his eyes were. I made a bold move (for me) and asked him to join me for a drink sometime. And he said, yes, without hesitation, wrote down his name and number. It was a month later I listened to that session. The name the psychic gave me. The next few months were the happiest I've ever been. Sometimes we'd just get together for dinner or a movie. Sometimes I'd text him with a hotel name and room number and tell him to meet me after work. It was all the strange little coincidences. He needed to make an appt with his eye doctor, the only day they had available happened to be the day I took off work... a day I had requested a week before he called for the appt. I would text him and say, you're going to get a job offer. Six hours later he'd ask, how did you know that? Some guy just offered me a job.
When I met him his life was complicated. He was having a hard time and was struggling to get back on his feet. He didn't have transportation. His truck broke, it wasn't worth fixing given its age and the cost involved. I found him a car. I asked if I could stop by after work, I had to give him something. He said yes but he didn't have much time and I said it wouldn't take long. He was amazed. And I told him that he now gad to drive me back to my car so he could get to where he needed to be. Instead he said he had a surprise for me too, and he drove me to the store and bought me a balloon.
I had done something really great at work earlier in the week, and my boss was so pleased she asked what she could do for me. I told her I wanted a skullie balloon. Instead she got me cookies, granted they were my favourite cookies, but I really wanted that balloon. And he knew this. He bought me that balloon. He said he knew I was stopping after work and he couldn't get a ride to the store, and he knew if he walked it he wouldn't have gotten back in time...
And then I showed up, with a solution, with a car. It's the little things that matter the most. No one truly understands how much that gesture meant to me.
Then one night he stayed over, we got up in the morning, I made him coffee, told him to have a great day at work, sent him off with a kiss... and never saw him again. He just walked out of my life. One week he's writing me poetry, the next he's gone. I got a text, something about his life getting too complicated. We've communicated since, he still has a key to the house. I gave that to him with the stipulation that when he decides he doesn't want me to be a part of his life then he can return it. After he walked out of my life, well he returned my things, everything but the key.
It's just, they way he did it. After losing Luke the way I did, one day he was just gone. It was like salt in a wound that hadn't even begun to heal. And everything has just gone wrong since. Winter had me depressed, it always does. Work, there's just been so many changes. Issues at home, still trying to settle this estste, still trying to help him because all I ever wanted was just to help him because I've been where he is. Then I had a health scare, that left me with medical bills...
It just seems to always get harder. I'm a single mother working six days a week and not getting ahead, and it's all just starting to overwhelm me. Every difficult situation I've ever had to face in my life I've had to face alone.
Life is easier when you have someone to share it with, to help shoulder the burden, to lean on for strength. I feel lost.
Sounds like a good plan. 
