Social conventions; "what a weirdo!" etc.. a question for the girls

[Thomas]]

Hey,

I was thinking about something a lot on my way back from university today...

It was absolutely pissing it down. And I mean. Just. Beyond wet. omg.

But anyway, I'd actually remembered to put an umbrella in my bag so I was like yes.

These 2 girls ended up joining on the same path as me just a little in front. They had no coats or anything, and were quite vocal about their complaints of the weather

I was wearing a coat also, so after like a minute, I just kind of like said excuse me, but would you like to use this umbrella till we get to the end of campus or where-ever it is we split up ? They looked at me really strangely, said no, and then hurried away at a fast walk. And I swear they were whispering about it afterwards too

I don't get it ... Well I do. If it had been a girl offering the girls an umbrella, I bet they would have accepted. The same if a guy offered 2 other guys. But because I am a guy and they are 2 girls, it seems to be wrong of me to think of such a thing. I think everyone seems to think that you have some hidden intentions.

Like if I were to talk to some girl I didn't know about ANYTHING. For example erm... I noticed someone next to me in the computer room was having printing issues which I knew how to fix. I said excuse me sorry to bother you... but I think the problem is here, this should fix it. Again I get some strange look. I don't really get what I'm doing wrong.

So a question for you girls I guess... In those situations (it obviously depends on the impression you get in the situation I guess), what would you have felt ? Would you have felt like... that some random guy was hitting on you? Cos that's how it feels to me in any of these random situations. I get this feeling that they are just thinking like "he wants something" and that they get all suspicious for just no reason...

I just hate in general the way that people are supposed to act in so many situations. The world seems so closed now. Almost everyone in the street or travelling on trains with headphones in their ears, looking down and looking mean. I'm cool with that tbh... the concept of talking to complete strangers does in fact horrify me but sometimes I just feel that I can help in some way... but i'm not allowed to.

And displaying emotions like... if I sing and play guitar and upload it to youtube. People I know here are like omgggg so weird, laughing at it even... saying that I seem really deep, as if it's totally strange. I once announced I was going for a walk at night to think some things through and clear my head... and again, it was deemed weird by everyone in the room at the time. I'm pretty sure everyone feels like going for a walk, and that they all understand what I mean. But what they socially display in front of each other, is this laughable concept which makes me "vulnerable" somehow. It's just so weird... I don't get people... at all :f

Anyway, well done if you managed to read this rant . Please do tell me what on earth I'm doing wrong I'm probably looking too deep into this...

 

[Breathe_No_More]

Well first off- do you look creepy or act creepy? hee hee, just kidding.

I think nowadays, chivalry is no where near respected the way it used to be. And unfortunately, with some many weirdo's out there actually expecting "something" in return for an act of kindness...we women take a certain offensive to it.

I, myself, would have appreciated the gesture..If I felt like you were 'hitting on me', I would have politely informed you of my marital status and be done with it.........then if you proceeded to make a move, out comes the pepper spray, as you're rubbing your eyes and running away screaming bloody murder.....oh, i mean...haha whoops (again, just kidding!)

In all seriousness, *I* would have appreciated your gesture...but *I* am also probably an old woman compared to you, so perhaps my view is different from the youngen's. But, that's my opinion.

And by the way, I completely respect uploading guitar vids to youtube, fellow amateur musician myself

 

[Okiedokes]

You sound like a caring person who is just trying to help other people out when you can.... you sound polite. Nothing wrong with any of that. Now to answer your question... would it seem like a guy was hitting on me if they offered to help with something I'm obviously having issues with (such as a printer), I would not take that as hitting on me. I would think it was rly nice. Now if the guy stood around trying to make convo after that...yeah I'd think he "might" be interested in me. Walking at night? Soooooo weird. Just kidding... actually that sounds not weird at all. Lots to see at night in the sky and not too many people around. You sound completely normal, I wouldn't care about what other people think of ya.

 

[jjam]

You know, I actually offered a lady my umbrella one evening maybe two months or so ago. It was dark and the rain was picking up. I was in a really bouncy mood, and as I passed her I looked at her and smiled. Then I stopped and simply said "would you like an umbrella?" I thought her response was pretty cool. She did what I probably would have done. She smiled back at me and said "thanks, but I'm okay", or something like that. No hard feelings. I didn't feel that I'd "creeped" her out or anything.

 

[annik]

Wow that seems really rude! If that had been me I'd have thought you were a godsend. I remember watching a tv quiz show once and the friends on it had a pretty similar story to yours about how they met and ended up being mates. One was a guy, one a girl. Next time I'd leave them to get soaked its there own stupid fault anyway.

I once went out in ludicrous "bedroom" heeled shoes because I wanted to feel grown up. I was hobbling back home over very uneven pavement when a guy offered to carry me. I almost excepted...I was in agony I just laughed and it all seemed quite jokey. That's probably more weird than what you did. Again it was my own silly fault...I almost crawled up my garden path in the end!

 

[Lovely Smile]

In todays age we are so disconnected from the world that face to face interactions are really weird to people and for girls at least we hear horror stories about men who try and help them, and then rape them (no joke there are stories like that) females are always told to watch their backs or that cant go alone because they might get assaulted or raped or killed (ect). So unfortunately good guys pay the price for the bad guys. good to know good guys are out there

 

[kamya]

For me to actually even offer to anyone period I would already be out of my comfort zone. Hmm if they would have refused like a normal person I would have been fine. But to act creaped out and whisper about it I would have probably told them to fresia off and get sick in the rain.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I think nowadays, chivalry is no where near respected the way it used to be.

^ This ^

These days people are so shut inside their own little worlds that they immediately perceive anyone entering them to be an attacker. As someone who still likes the idea of chivalry it’s sad to see the times of the good Samaritan or helpful stranger come to a cold end. Sure some people may still appreciate your help but I would bet at least 90% would back away in shock, horror and fear. Keep in mind those 90% will then go home to post on internet message forums about how there are no gentlemen left or how no-one offered to help them in their time of need. Just typical of people’s blind attitudes these days.

I’m quick to open doors, offer to lift heavy objects or whenever I see someone in trouble, just help out in any way I can. Even if it’s something as simple as telling the bus driver to wait because I can see someone running for the bus but even if someone does accept my help, their selfish believe in self-entitlement will always mean I get no thanks, no gratitude and certainly no appreciation but lots of weird looks and jokes about how stupid I am for trying to be helpful.

You just can’t win.

 

[Sprint]

Because of things like this... "The world seems so closed now. Almost everyone in the street or travelling on trains with headphones in their ears, looking down and looking mean." people no longer know how to communicate & socialise with 1 another.

It's promising to see that someone your age questions these things though. That, in the world, shows there is hope that this can & will change.

Keep questioning... don't stop

 

[meekthoughts]

To be honest, I wouldn't have accepted your offer for the umbrella either because then you would be soaking wet instead even with a jacket. However, I would have have smiled at you politely and thanked you for your kind offer. I would've also blushed profusely and not look you in the eye, but that's besides the point. I'm not sure what those girls were thinking, but please don't stop being who you are because of people like that.

Actually a similar thing happened to me, except I'm a girl and the person I offered my umbrella to was also a girl. She still didn't accept it, but was not weirded out. So I suppose their behaviour does have to do with how they might've thought you had other intentions behind your actions. It's hard to blame them with all the actual cases of rape and murder though. Like a couple of days ago I was on the subway and a middle-aged man stared at me throughout the ride - I was thoroughly creeped out and embarrassed. It could have been that he saw something on my face/hair, but that's not what first came to my mind.

Really, don't change who you are Thomas. You're pretty darn awesome!

 

[Happy To Be]

I would thing think that's a nice gesture, but to be completely honest I have to admit I would have some slight knee-jerk thought that there will be a pass made at me, or this is initiation into conversation for my number, or something of the sort. I wish I could say I would not think that way, but society has created this image of men being animals and mistrusting. Even though I don't believe that, all the media and messages have managed to play into my head.

I would probably accept your offer, depending on how badly it was raining. But in the back of my mind I'd be worried that at any moment I may get hit on and things would get uncomfortable and I would probably be plotting an escape plan the entire time, but would still be appreciative of the umbrella. I guess its all a paradox.

 

[Thomas]]

meekthoughts :$

Thank you for your opinions everyone!

I'd like to make it clear that I don't feel like I was the one in the right and they were the ones in the wrong. I get that it must seem suspicious for some random person to offer an umbrella. But I just find it really annoying that you have to be considered "guilty until proven innocent".

For someone shy, that makes life _very_ difficult, and I think that's actually why there's so many more cases of loneliness (that I have heard) than there were ten to twenty years ago. People only 'trust' others that they've been introduced to through some accepted social way. Anything which deems to to be 'uncool' in the public gets frowned upon...

If I meet someone I think seems genuinely nice / kind, then I think I give that person the benefit of the doubt. Ofc it doesn't mean I go silly (for example letting someone come into my place to read the gas meter without ID!) , but I feel it means that I don't hold grudges or suspicions unfairly upon others...

As I said earlier, I just mainly don't get people I find it so difficult to understand why people choose to act in certain ways :f

Ergh well anyway; I think I could literally write a book on my thoughts based on this one event But I won't go that far ;D Thank you for your kind words and input :shy:

 

[DeadSun]

In todays age we are so disconnected from the world that face to face interactions are really weird to people and for girls at least we hear horror stories about men who try and help them, and then rape them (no joke there are stories like that) females are always told to watch their backs or that cant go alone because they might get assaulted or raped or killed (ect)

Holy honeysuckle that's exactly what I was gonna say, they probably just thought you wanted to rape them or something. Small world.

 

[Mundane]

The age of the civalrous gentleman is gone...
If you act like a proper person should act nowadays you're just looked upon as a creep... sigh..

 

[Senamian]

........ We need more people like you. I will say, it really depends on a person's approach. For me, it does not matter whether the person is male or female. However, if a guy approaches and is OBVIOUSLY hitting on me, I tend to feel hesitant to let them help. If they are just being... What's that word... KIND... Then I don't feel awkward, or annoyed.

I remember a few times some chivalry, or respect, or helpfulness would have been nice. But about 98% of the people who actually would help (which is about...5% of the population LOL) would help just do they could bed with you.

10 years ago I remember people opening doors. Oh hell, KIDS opening doors, and moving out of the way for you. Nowadays? Little snots ram through you to get nowhere fast, and you have to get creative with opening a PULL door while your hands are full.

 

[Broken_Doll]

If you had offered me an umbrella, I'd only have found it odd that you'd (even temporarily) give up your umbrella to a stranger and risk getting wet and being uncomfortable yourself. The person would get wet and I don't want them to be uncomfortable at my expense.

I only find kind strangers "odd"/"weird" sometimes because it is sadly often a rare thing.

I weigh up my options and the situation before accepting help or offering help to a stranger, like I try and think of how it could be perceived and the possible outcome(s).

One evening, I was walking through a path through a tiny field to get home, it was pouring down, mud everywhere and thankfully the path was fine, until I got to a huge puddle - only thing to do was to walk through it or walk off the path and around it (it was a deep puddle, there was mud everywhere on every side except behind me on the path and in front where the huge puddle was, non weather appropriate shoes), so I paused for a second to weigh up my options. Two lads approached me (they looked my age, give or take a couple of years) and commented that I looked "stuck", blah blah one said "Come here I'll help you" and I thought "fresia it" and went along with it, and he picked me up and carried me through the puddle to the other side, then thankfully nothing else happened except I thanked them and we went on our separate ways. Here I thought they are offering help, don't know what their intentions are but there's 2 of them and they're bigger than me so regardless of how I respond I have 2 options: be helped and nothing bad happens or their intentions are not kind and I do my best to avoid/prevent something bad happening to myself.

I offered somebody my umbrella and got the same response too once. I can see why people might find it "odd" that I would rather get soaked due to being kind perhaps, but I don't understand why people might think it's creepy - I'm under 5 foot 3 inches, petite, female, young for my age looking (apparently) and I dress "sweetly"/femininely/girly so it's not like I make myself look intimidating either.

 

[jonagelle]

Maybe they don't want to talk to strangers. They want protection. Or may be when you get near them you will get the opportunity to attack them into crime. So they are just playing safe. Change the way you dress. If you look decent and appealing then the girls will respond positively on your help. There may be wrong in your outfit or wrong in your attitude. You try to do the same with boys, I suppose they will be friendly unto you. They think less about crime. And 2 girls and you under one umbrella, you won't fit. So it is the same they and you will get wet. Even you who is comforted by the shade of the umbrella is also wet.

*promotion removed*

 

[ForGrantedWife]

Let me put it this way as someone who knows first hand, some girls don't get on too well in life with strange men they don't know. There are a few pretty women in my family, and there's hardly a single one that something hasn't happened to. My Grandmother was grabbed off the side of the road just taking a walk after dinner by three guys (at least that's what they tell us), they raped her, strangled her and threw her naked body in a ditch. I was a baby when that happened. My Mom was gorgeous, was date raped. She never told anyone but me. From the time I was 10 years old (I developed early and looked womanly already), I couldn't go anywhere without some guy hitting on me. I remember going to a concert with my dad in a public arena. I was 11 or so, having a good time and sort of dancing in place like any girl that young would be. A man my Dad's age bumped into me from the side and I looked up. He was looking at me in this strange and frightening way that I didn't understand at that young age but I felt the threat behind it. I edged closer to my Dad and grabbed a hold of his hand. I know now as a woman that it was lust I saw in his eyes. He was trying to touch me on the sly. And this is how it is out there, so is it any wonder we're on guard? It's simply not safe out there. I have too many instances I could relate like that one, it would take me all day to tell them all. That's just one of many.

 

[Senamian]

From the time I was 10 years old (I developed early and looked womanly already), I couldn't go anywhere without some guy hitting on me.

Same here actually. I did learn to take it as a compliment.. Perhaps not from people who were 15 years older than I was, as it was a bit... Creepy? Worrisome? So I do see the point. But at least being nice in saying "no thank you" to offers (like the umbrella incident!), and if you MUST whisper about someone at least wait until they are out of the vicinity... That right there is just out of respect. Even if you think the guy is a complete creep/stalker/weirdo/crazy person.

 

[ForGrantedWife]

Then you must have had better protection at all times than we did hon. There was no compliment to it for me. Nothing but danger. One time a man literally followed me right into the bathroom at a social gathering and I didn't realize I was being followed until he grabbed me from behind. Luckily my Mom saw him following me and came in after him and stopped it. She punched him actually, lol. And then we ran away. I was around 13 years old at the time. And he was not the classic weirdo creep. He was popular around town and most women his age considered him attractive. It just goes to show you can't tell who's safe and who isn't.

A few days ago we had a family gathering at a local gameroom/pizza place for the kids. My daughter is 11. I'm so protective of her in public that I keep my eyes on her all the time. I don't want her going through anything like I did if I can help it. We were standing in line to get money on the game cards and some random man was sitting at a table behind her staring at her *ss for five minutes. She's 11 for goodness sake, although she looks older and she's tall for her age. He had to be 30 or close to it. And trust me when I say I didn't misconstrue his meaning or what he was thinking. This is why I watch her. Even a distant relative's daughter got grabbed at a town carnival type thing. She was 10 and went to buy a funnel cake while her parents were over a ways talking to friends. Some man grabbed her and started dragging her off. She freaked out and fought him and he let go and ran away.