Socially Lonely

[SimonT]

Can't understand what's wrong with me at all. All's I know is it absolutely horrible and lonely. I'm 37, and I don't seem to be able to make friends and have no social life. I seem to be a lonerish kind of person and live a very secluded lifestyle. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, is this just part of that?
I don't like going pubs or clubs 'cause I seem to have developed an intolerance to alcohol and don't like soft drinks much, well not a 4hr night out of'em anyway. Also people think you're weird if you don't drink, tried it, people just don't get it, anyway so I don't go out. I have 1 mate and no gf. Just started work and it's ok, but again, not building any friendships there, it's only been a week working there but I just don't connect with people. Don't think anyone particularly dislikes me but I hate being this ant-social person. I just get on with my work at work and others are chatting away as they're going and I feel distant and alone. I just can't find anything to talk about, it's like my heads against me. I want to be socialable and build up conversations and friendships but it's like my heads empty lol!

 

[Peaches]

I think I wrote exactly the same post as my introduction to this forum 3 years ago...

 

[theglasscell]

You can find people who don't drink to hang out with, that's what I do, when I first quit drinking I felt totally cut off, but now I only hang out with other people who abstain from alcohol.

Drinking is really bad for you, anyone who'd make you feel weird for not doing it probably isn't worth knowing in the first place.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't understand people that are in their 30's or 40's who still go out to bars. It seems childish to me.

 

[Sci-Fi]

There's nothing wrong with you. Life isn't easy and can be really rough at times. Try just a little small talk at work, you don't have to be the king of conversation right away.

 

[Obscurity]

I think seclusion is worse than loneliness itself. It robs you of even opportunity.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Wow, I read your signature (Obscurity) as "The state of being unknown, constipated or impotent." WTH? I should really go to bed.

 

[Obscurity]

Wow, I read your signature (Obscurity) as "The state of being unknown, constipated or impotent." WTH? I should really go to bed.

My potty habits are private. :club:

 

[Garbageman]

Hey SimonT,
Hey sorry you are having such a difficult time meeting and connecting with people. Its like anything, different people have different skill sets, and different things they struggle with. I don't drink, and I prefer to not hang out with people when they do, I am not including when someone has wine or a drink with a meal.

The best thing I know to recommend is to just go out and try many different activities. It will give you stuff to talk about. Try to learn new skills, volunteering is an excellent way to meet sometime more open minded people, (not always but in my experience you meet some really great people when you volunteer) Just keep at it and try not to get discouraged.
I wish you the best, take care.
You are welcome to PM me if you want to talk.

 

[Cucuboth]

Not drinking makes finding somewhere to go and maybe meet people much more difficult, especially in a drinking orientated society. Here in Australia your still considered to be very weird if you don't drink (and often drink to get drunk). Your seen as being weak, and anti-social (been told this many, many times, even by therapists). Drugs are much the same, even with people my age (37). If your not taking some pill, smoking something, snorting or shooting something in to yourself, your seen as being anti-social, of not fitting in with the crowd, not going along and having fun. I've even been told that if I'm not drunk and stoned at every chance I get, then I've obviously been brainwashed and not thinking for myself.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any reward for making your own choices, for having a bit of personal integrity.

 

[Garbageman]

Not drinking makes finding somewhere to go and maybe meet people much more difficult, especially in a drinking orientated society. Here in Australia your still considered to be very weird if you don't drink (and often drink to get drunk). Your seen as being weak, and anti-social (been told this many, many times, even by therapists). Drugs are much the same, even with people my age (37). If your not taking some pill, smoking something, snorting or shooting something in to yourself, your seen as being anti-social, of not fitting in with the crowd, not going along and having fun. I've even been told that if I'm not drunk and stoned at every chance I get, then I've obviously been brainwashed and not thinking for myself.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any reward for making your own choices, for having a bit of personal integrity.

I have heard people say this same thing about places here in the US, and it is not accurate. I am not saying that this has not been your experience, or that there are not groups of people that exist that treat people this way. And since I have not been to your particular area, I can't say that it is not completely like that where you live. However I have met people from Australia, who did not drink, smoke, or do drugs. And they had social lives there, so I know it is possible in at least some areas over there.

I am sorry this has been your experience, and I cannot argue that it does not actually work that way where you are. But it has been my experience when dealing with people who have had a similar perceptions about socializing with out drinking or drugs, that if the only people they associate with drink and or do drugs than that is all they will find.

I have worked places where everyone but me would go out and drink, I never went, I was still able to get along with my coworkers, (except one guy he was just an ass) and on the rare occasion that they were going to do something other than drink, I would go and have a great time. If I had just completely wrote them off as drinkers, and used them as my gauge for how many people in the world drink, I would believe that everyone drinks.

If everyone in your area truly acts that way, then no one there is worth having as a friend, if no one respects your decision to not drink, smoke, or do drugs, then I would not want them as friends. If it really is as you say I would certainly move as there is something seriously wrong there. I really hope that is not the case and I hope you are able to find more understanding people in your area, I promise you they do exist in the world. And yes sometimes it is hard finding them, but it is worth the effort. Take care

 

[blumar]

Same here. For some reason, I have such a hard time making friends. I'm friendly with people and my coworkers but I'm not friends with them. Not as though I could call any one of them if my car broke down. I'm not sure about the depression and anxiety - don't we all feel that way every once in a while? I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. And, don't stress over the drinking/pubs/clubs, you're not the only one that doesn't enjoy a drunken night (I certainly hate the way I feel in the morning). Who knows, maybe after working there for a while longer you will find some good friends. No real friends or bf here, but I try to stay positive.

 

[Alienated]

WOW.... Yes the same here... Not only do we have liquor stores ever 3 blocks now they sell it in convenience stores too..... Booze is everywhere and I am a recovered alcoholic !! I can't even stand the smell of the stuff, let alone a bunch of drunk people.

So I understand your frustration there, mate !!

 

[WL7.3]

Einstein said fish are horrible at climbing trees but excellent swimmers or something to that effect. I'm your age, don't drink, am liked generally but can't make friends. I didn't have friends when I was young and drank. Every now and again I meet another fish out of water like my self and we think we just met the coolest person in the universe. In a way I prefer it like this. It sucks sometimes but I know there's nothing wrong with me when I remember those people. I just wish I could keep them in my life all at once, although I suspect this too contributes something positive in a poetic sort of way. And by the way, the liver is a precious commodity. 37 is way to old to be drinking.

 

[SimonT]

You can find people who don't drink to hang out with, that's what I do, when I first quit drinking I felt totally cut off, but now I only hang out with other people who abstain from alcohol.

Drinking is really bad for you, anyone who'd make you feel weird for not doing it probably isn't worth knowing in the first place.

I just find, you go out, you don't drink and people ask why, so I tell them the truth, "I don't drink cause it doesn't seem to agree with me" and then they may or may not say, "in what way?", "I just feel a bit unusual and it can trigger really bad headaches", but they just seem to look at your perplexed and just can't understand it. Some don't even bother at all and don't even notice, but I say more do than don't, and sometimes people keep forcing the issue, have a drink have a drink, and you keep saying no, but they won't accept it. I've never heard of anyone like this before, think I'm just plain weird lol! Where do you find people who don't drink then, church? lol!

---

Not drinking makes finding somewhere to go and maybe meet people much more difficult, especially in a drinking orientated society. Here in Australia your still considered to be very weird if you don't drink (and often drink to get drunk). Your seen as being weak, and anti-social (been told this many, many times, even by therapists). Drugs are much the same, even with people my age (37). If your not taking some pill, smoking something, snorting or shooting something in to yourself, your seen as being anti-social, of not fitting in with the crowd, not going along and having fun. I've even been told that if I'm not drunk and stoned at every chance I get, then I've obviously been brainwashed and not thinking for myself.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any reward for making your own choices, for having a bit of personal integrity.

Fair point mate. I thought I'd throw 'mate' on the end of the first bit to make you feel at home, mate, lol! Seriously though, I think you're right, bang on. I used to live in New Zealand and it is like that, when they go out drinking, they go nuts. Like binge drinkers. They should have a motto, "Go nuts or go home" lol! that actually would make a good t-shirt for a kiwi. I didn't know a kiwi who could just have a can of beer with a meal say, and then that's it. It was either have 10 cans or none. I have done bad things in the past, Amphetimines, E's, Heroin etc and alcohol, but find it's f**ked my head up, well the drugs probably mainly. I find it stops me wanting go out, coz you feel anti-social or not fitting in when you don't drink.

 

[Midnight Sky]

I don't drink. No amount of social pressure is gonna make me drink. I never even thought that it contributes to my lackluster social life, maybe because it shouldn't. Honestly, that's just unfair and inconsiderate to judge one's worth on rather they drink or not.

 

[Peaches]

there will always be groups of vegans, ex AA, religious of some kind, geeks, librarians, or people of all sorts who are happy to find others who *don't* drink, the problem is if you want to hang out with them. Hearing of 37 years olds being so ridiculously herd-like makes me very sad, one would say that they would grow out of their sheep period after their teens. I mean, always stoned and drunk, and pissed if someone doesn't do that too, how pathetic is that? Why do they hate their life so much? It doesn't sound like a good circle to be in.

Not drinking makes finding somewhere to go and maybe meet people much more difficult, especially in a drinking orientated society. Here in Australia your still considered to be very weird if you don't drink (and often drink to get drunk). Your seen as being weak, and anti-social (been told this many, many times, even by therapists). Drugs are much the same, even with people my age (37). If your not taking some pill, smoking something, snorting or shooting something in to yourself, your seen as being anti-social, of not fitting in with the crowd, not going along and having fun. I've even been told that if I'm not drunk and stoned at every chance I get, then I've obviously been brainwashed and not thinking for myself.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any reward for making your own choices, for having a bit of personal integrity.

I have heard people say this same thing about places here in the US, and it is not accurate. I am not saying that this has not been your experience, or that there are not groups of people that exist that treat people this way. And since I have not been to your particular area, I can't say that it is not completely like that where you live. However I have met people from Australia, who did not drink, smoke, or do drugs. And they had social lives there, so I know it is possible in at least some areas over there.

I am sorry this has been your experience, and I cannot argue that it does not actually work that way where you are. But it has been my experience when dealing with people who have had a similar perceptions about socializing with out drinking or drugs, that if the only people they associate with drink and or do drugs than that is all they will find.

I have worked places where everyone but me would go out and drink, I never went, I was still able to get along with my coworkers, (except one guy he was just an ass) and on the rare occasion that they were going to do something other than drink, I would go and have a great time. If I had just completely wrote them off as drinkers, and used them as my gauge for how many people in the world drink, I would believe that everyone drinks.

If everyone in your area truly acts that way, then no one there is worth having as a friend, if no one respects your decision to not drink, smoke, or do drugs, then I would not want them as friends. If it really is as you say I would certainly move as there is something seriously wrong there. I really hope that is not the case and I hope you are able to find more understanding people in your area, I promise you they do exist in the world. And yes sometimes it is hard finding them, but it is worth the effort. Take care