I only walk with the lord, I await my home ⚰️
- Jun 19, 2021
- Reaction score
Noooo need to reply, my inner ramblings are one thing, but this is deep to me, something I have always struggled with for so so long.
I have always struggled to accept who I naturally am, I have had a few junctions in which I have pivoted into trying to appreciate myself but I just cannot.
My mother and I discussed this recently, she said... I looked Caucasian after I did my hair, and its cold so I am a little more pale than usual,
I explained that I am me, and this is how I like to look, anything else messes with my self-esteem. She said it's excuses and I need to embrace who I "really" am.. (Oh the triggering never stops...)
Honestly, I don't feel like I try to look Caucasian, but I understand why people might think that.
I feel like I try to look like barbie lol that has been a thing since I can remember. Since I was young I wanted to look anything but human, I wanted to look like a doll.
My dads nickname for me was doll because I was so obsessed. I even used to pose like a doll with dead eyes and it was all so creepy but its when I felt the most beautiful.
Now, I will be honest, I was bullied for so long about my race, even by my own mother, it's to the point I wouldn't even correct someone if they assumed I was white, because I am so ashamed.
Once me and Finished were chatting and he said something about me being like a "fake white girl" lol he meant no harm but I sat up that night... perplexed like... is that what I am?
I dont know what is right, but I know being ashamed of who you are is not. I want to be able to love someone properly and I wonder if I can do that while hating everything about myself?
Can I magically get over this? Can I start to see some value, some sort of peace with who I am, or will I die in these blonde hair extensions and blue contacts... should it matter? Is it just self expression? I dont know anymore...