Stuck in a Cycle

[SophiaGrace]

This is going to be a complicated...well...issue.

And I"m not quite sure how to begin to explain it.

1.) Boyfriend # 1 => Verbally Abusive
2.) Boyfriend # 2 => manipulative
3.) Boyfriend # 3=> Made fun of my disability/self esteem issues
4.) Boyfriend # 4 => Had Mental Problems up the wazoo and is still obsessed with me after 2 years apart. Also made fun of my disability.
4.) Boyfriend #5 => Was actually nice and we are still friends. . He broke up with me.
5.) Boyfriend # 6=> Drug Dealer/User ( I feel sad for him because I feel he's actually a nice person deep down)
6.) Boyfriend #7 => Manipulative

... I could go on

But I dont want to.

Can you see a pattern? I can.

Why do I have this pattern? I think it has something to do with low self esteem and taking people's crap. Also, it could be perhaps that I just..dont think I deserve better.

I also dont trust guys very much. I can handle friendships with them, but...relationships? *shakes head no*

I'm probably going to get some " Girls Dont Like Nice Guys" responses. of which I am not looking foward to.

That answer is far too simplistic if it is even true at all! (which I dont believe it is..)

The point of this post is...

How Can I Break the Cycle? It is obvious to me that i'm just repeating it from the relationship my parents had (which was abusive in all senses of the word).

I've tried to answer this question throughout the years. How Do I Break the Cycle? How do I...get into a healthy relationship?

I know that i probably have to work on myself before...I can find a nice person to be with. One with whom I can have a healthy relationship.

What does a healthy relationship feel like?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

This is the way I'm living it...there's other ways.

Loving yourself SG...that's how I'm doing it.

Through going to suppout group...face the my problems head on...confronting my fears and problems head on.
Talk about it...write about it...bring out into the open so that I no longer live in denial.

Just what you're doing now...you're writting it out so you can see the patterns clearer.

If you look at it as another form of addiction...the addiction to that life style.
Like stop smoking...

Once i admit I have a problem..then i can take steps to correct my problems.

A healty relationship is ....when two people share thier love with one another.
Each partner are self-supporting and have the love of oneself and just expressing that love.
It's not a need or bonage...it's freedom. it's not about give and take or a bargining.

For me...it's a process of having a relationship within myself first.

Then establishing a relationship with my HP/God...this is also a very important step...
Here ly the freedom...Freewill. Self-esteem...If I can chose to have a loving god of my understanding
and be okay with that...be okay with myself...I don't have to bend over backwards to get accepted
In practicing this principle...I will also begin to practice not being a people pleaser.

Just as an example...
Kind of like this...I don't give a fresia whether kevin beliving a god or not...that's his problems or belief
I AM WELL with BEING ME and not tugged by anyone's else belief nor fear of rejections.
By pracricing this principle i can learn how to say "NO"...sometimes "fresia off" to certain people in my life..
THEREFORE BREAKING THE CYCLE.

My sponsor did not tell me nor tell what to belief or not to belief...
The chioce is mine to make...whether to belive in a HP or not...and whatever my understanding that HP is.
It's every important that he allow me to make this chioce of my own freewill..
This puts the responsibilties on me...my chioce...To experince that and practice the freedom.
This gets me into practicing not living in fears or bondage.

I draw my love and stenght from my HP and not suck the life force from my partner.
My god has unlimited supply of love...my partner is a human...they have limits and thier short comings.
My HP/GOD is pure...with all loving unconditional love
This will also minized...be cliggie or putting myself in unhealthy situations or conditions.

When I draw my strenght from my HP or accept the I AM whole...I will become less desperate and needie.

I also trun over my addictive eurdges over to my HP. My HP LOVE heals me of my pains and sorrows.
I am completely loved and in the state of well being in my HP or God's grace...therefore i don't need
to seek addictions..

I'm also a child of god...which means. I repect myself, honor myself and love myself.
It's my harritage....God's love to me is a gift...I need not earn it..it's not a bargining.
It's a gift..I accept God's Love...no guilt...no shame. UNconditional LOVE....no praying required...no strings attached.
As a child of god...I derserve the best. I need not do anything...I need not put myself in toxic relationship
to BE whole. I'm whole and complete already. Therefore the light shine outward and love express love outward.

 

[Nyktimos]

What does a healthy relationship feel like?

Don't know. I've never had a healthy relationship. Problem is, everyone's got different character traits. You've evidently been with men who have traits which make for an unhealthy relationship with you. That will not always be the case. You have to keep trying, and learning to spot the signs from the experience you've stored. As for what a healthy relationship is, it could be said it always comes with some kind of abuse, often in the form of manipulation and those little white lies that give a person a sense of freedom. But when it goes too far, and one or both participants are being consistently hurt, it's unhealthy. Keep looking! Good people are out there.

Now, I'm going to continue with LonesomeCrow's response. I only got about half way through.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Girl #1...Pretty, down to earth nice, sweet innocent. I broke up with her..she then broke up with me.
Girl #2...nice, fun, used me. Everyting on her terms.
Girl #3...beautiful, nice, supportive, understanding...died.
Girl #4...Super model, lost my virginity to, addict, manipulative
Girl #5...hawt, wild and crazy, nympho, addict, cheated on me.
Wife #1..Super model, hawt, wild, carzy, half angle/half pyscho *****, abusive, jealouse, manipulative, controlling, violent.
Girls #6/7.Totally insane party til you drop, sex, sex, sex, fun, fun, fun..esaping the pain..Totally losing myself.
Girl #8,.. pretty, loving, supportive, a nurse. She tried to fixed me.>>>>> I ran away.
Girl #9..the same person as #5..wild, crazy.. sex, sex, sex tried to pathed old relationship, addictions, escape, insanity.
Girl #10...beautiful...supportive, addict, hooker, insanity >>>>> helped me get clean and sober.
Girl #11..Pretty, down to earth, caring, nice, healtly relationship.>>>> I messed it up. (work alholic)
Girl #12..Pertty, healty relationship at the begining>>>> relasped after losing children (death)
she became violent, manipulative, insanity, used me, abused me, sex addition, escape, jealoucy,
chaos, drama, controlling, stalking.The psycho ***** meter on maxium over drive. Manic/depressive, Bi polar, passive
agressive....ect..All the wacked out personality disorder rolled into one. Cheated on me. Left me for dead.
Soul damage kind of destruction. I became very, very ill (codependcy).
Girl #13..Beautiful, nice, caring, sweet, understanding, healthy, pure, compassionate....died

 

[SophiaGrace]

Girl #1...Pretty, down to earth nice, sweet innocent. I broke up with her..she then broke with me.
Girl #2...nice, fun, used me. Everyting on her terms.
Girl #3...beautiful, nice, supportive, understanding...died.
Girl #4...Super model, lost my virginity to, addict, manipulative
Girl #5...hawt, wild and crazy, nympho, addict, cheated on me.
Wife #1..Super model, hawt, wild, carzy, half angle/half pyscho *****, abusive, jealouse, manipulative, controlling, violent.
Girls #6/7.Totally insane party til you drop, sex, fun, fun, fun..esaping the pain..Totally losing myself.
Girl #8,.. pretty, loving, supportive, a nurse. She tried to fixed me.>>>>> I ran away.
Girl #9..the same person as #5..wild, crazy.. sex, sex, sex tried to pathed old relationship, addictions, escape, insanity.
Girl #10...beautiful...supportive, addict, hooker, insanity >>>>> helped me get clean and sober.
Girl #11..Pretty, down to earth, caring, nice, healtly relationship.>>>> I messed it up. (work alholic)
Girl #12..Pertty, healty relationship at the begining>>>> relasped after loosing children (death)
she became violent, manipulative, insanity, used me, abused me, sex addition, escape, codependency (me)
chaos, drama, controlling, stalking.The psycho ***** meter on maxium over drive. Manic/depressive, Bi polar, passive
agressive....ect..All the wacked out personality disorder rolled into one. Cheated on me. Left me for dead.
Girl #13..Beautiful, nice, caring, understanding, healthy, pure, compassionate....died

Aw man, i'm sorry. *hug*

 

[TheLonelySkeptic]

Girl #1...Pretty, down to earth nice, sweet innocent. I broke up with her..she then broke with me.
Girl #2...nice, fun, used me. Everyting on her terms.
Girl #3...beautiful, nice, supportive, understanding...died.
Girl #4...Super model, lost my virginity to, addict, manipulative
Girl #5...hawt, wild and crazy, nympho, addict, cheated on me.
Wife #1..Super model, hawt, wild, carzy, half angle/half pyscho *****, abusive, jealouse, manipulative, controlling, violent.
Girls #6/7.Totally insane party til you drop, sex, fun, fun, fun..esaping the pain..Totally losing myself.
Girl #8,.. pretty, loving, supportive, a nurse. She tried to fixed me.>>>>> I ran away.
Girl #9..the same person as #5..wild, crazy.. sex, sex, sex tried to pathed old relationship, addictions, escape, insanity.
Girl #10...beautiful...supportive, addict, hooker, insanity >>>>> helped me get clean and sober.
Girl #11..Pretty, down to earth, caring, nice, healtly relationship.>>>> I messed it up. (work alholic)
Girl #12..Pertty, healty relationship at the begining>>>> relasped after loosing children (death)
she became violent, manipulative, insanity, used me, abused me, sex addition, escape, codependency (me)
chaos, drama, controlling, stalking.The psycho ***** meter on maxium over drive. Manic/depressive, Bi polar, passive
agressive....ect..All the wacked out personality disorder rolled into one. Cheated on me. Left me for dead.
Girl #13..Beautiful, nice, caring, understanding, healthy, pure, compassionate....died

Aw man, i'm sorry. *hug*

Girl # 1 - I was 8 years old. We made a pirate ship out of some old, dusty lawn chairs, and that same day I saved her from the jaws of a scary dinosaur. I loved being her hero, but she moved away. I now write, and have named one of my main characters after her.

Girl # 2 - I was 16. Nice, swell Christian girl. Went to church with her and held her hand all throughout each service. She had a lustful side, but I never put it past her. She was the first girl I "experimented" with. She felt guilty about said experimentation and dumped me for Jesus.

Girl # 3 - I was 17, a senior in high school. She wasn't the prettiest thing on earth, but she was artsy. We lasted about a month before I found out she had the hots for another guy. She acted on that impulse, and cheated on me.

Girl # 4 - Depressed after flunking out of high school, I met up with a girl named Charley Ann who I proposed to after I found out we were pregnant. She cheated on me, having had a threesome with her friend and her friend's boyfriend. Then her meth, extacy, and cocaine addictions (which I knew nothing about... she was a great hider of secrets) killed our unborn child. I shut myself in my room for a year.

Girl # 5 - Crawling out of my depression and going to community college, met a girl who shall remain nameless. She was unsettled about my past but decided to give me -- and three other guys -- a go. Then I had my first suicide attempt.

Girl # 6 - locked in my room I developed a relationship with a girl in Florida which lasted a year (though I had known her for well over two). Nine-months in she convinced me to buy bus tickets and visit her in Florida, egging me on with "I love you"s and "I can't wait"s. I slept on the floors of bus stations and went without food for five days, all in the name of this girl I was in love with. When I got there, she had already fallen for another guy. I stayed two of my six scheduled days in Florida, and then went home.

Then I joined A.L.L. Now I'm 21, alone, depressed and utterly hopeless and distrustful. I'm waiting for "the girl to prove me wrong" so that I can be a hero again. lol. That's all I want, really.

I'm going to go drown myself.

 

[Knight]

Don't do it man, I know life can be hard, but those times should make you stronger not bring you down. *hugs kevin*

 

[TheLonelySkeptic]

Don't do it man, I know life can be hard, but those times should make you stronger not bring you down. *hugs kevin*

lol. I was being facetious, Knight. But thanks.

 

[SophiaGrace]

lol is anyone going to answer my question? I put the list out for a reason .

You'll find someone Kevin

 

[Estreen]

*hugs*

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...only you can answer that Sophia.

I left out Kimberly and a bouch of other girls. I met or inneract with Kimberly at the stage of GF#2 through #10.
But I'll write about Kim. I belive my relationship with Kimberly gave me a sense of what a healhty would be like.

Kimberly was my first plutonic relationship I was in. So I left her off of the list.
Yet Kimberly kept me in the friendzones...Yet she would also give me mix signals.

Kimberly was Super model. She dress like a hawt, wild and sexy machine.
Yet she's really down to earth and very, very, nice if you get to know her.
She would socialize with everyone. Attend partties but didn't drink or get high.
She used to take me cruzing, to partties or we would just hang out and have a good time.
She was very supportive and I could talk to her about a lot of things..She listened to a lot of my BS.
Through out the years..Kimberly was in my life but not in the forefront.
She would write me letters all the time while I was in basic training or I would call her once or twice
a week while I was in the service. I'd take leave and come home to visit her. We hang out as always.
I'd tell her I have girls problems and what had ya...She listen.

I remember..the day I informed her i was getting married...I'd thought she would be happy for me.
She broke down into tears and just said "why ? "

I remember coming home to visit her when I was seperated from my wife.
She was very ,vey happy to see me...
Yet she was very disgusted with me for being messed up out of my mind when I was with her.
It was the first time she saw me drunk.

Throughout the years..Kimberly had always wanted me to get sober. Even when I was hitting my bottom...
She would still talk to me...yet she kept a boundary becuase of the unhealthy life style I was living at that time.

Deena was the sameway during my HS years. She was a teacher's pet. She gave me a ride home all the time.
Yet i would totally shun her...if I was around my getting drunk or high buddies.

Julia was also the sameway..I met Julia while in college. We hang out everyday and she take me home all the time.

Debbie was also the same...I met Debbie right before i met my ex-wf. I'd go dancing or out with her all the time.
Debbie would attend all these events but she never got messed up...I thought it was just wierd.
Alot of the reason why my ex-wf had jealousy issues was becuase of Debbie.
Debbie was kind of like Kimbery...hawt, wild, sexy..but didn't drink or used drugs.

All these girls wanted to form a relationship with me..but they where very nice..

In other words...these women where healthy and i had a hard time forming a relationship with them or taking
the relationship to the next level. In other words...I couldn't form a healthy relationship if I was getting messed up
out of my mind.

This is what's happening to me or what's I'm going through. As weird as it may seem..I've read it in many selfhelp
books or spiriatual books..There's a reason for everything. Some books will even tell me..but didn't go into
especifics details of what that would be...

Jenni's death devistated me. (girl #13) At the sametime it retriggered a lot of burried pains and emotions.
Through out the years I've had never grieved over losing Andrea (girl #3). I hardly spoke to anyone about it.
I totally numb myself out and went on a run of bindge drinking and partying ...anything to cover up that pain.
Andrea died on Easter Sunny day in an automobile accident. I walked her home on Good Friday and I never saw
her again. We were suppost to go to the prom together. Everyday I'd open our locker. I wanted to
cried. i couldn't do it becuase people where all around me..I just left our locker with all of her books and our belonings in it.
I couldn't bare to sit in all the classes we had together without her being there...becuase sometimes I would still
answer her. I dropped out of HS 2 weeks before graduation becuase I woundn't bare graduating without her.
I remember my Hs counselor trying to reach out to me as I walked out of my school never to return again..messed
up out of my fucken mind.

I knew Andrea since middle school. I had many classes with her.
Andrea was very kind, nonjudgmental, caring, considerate. Sometimes she would tease me about what
the fresia i was doing with my life. But she would always leave herself open to me.
After i rolled my truck and my #2 gf dump me like a fucken hot potato and all my freinds ran out on me..Andrea
was there. She' just shook her head. Oneday Andrea told everyone in class to "fresia off" and knock the honeysuckle off.
I'm asian...and I get all kinds of bullshit thrown at me. HS kids are mean spirited.
That's when i finally kind of got it...That's when Andrea and I started going out.
Andrea took a lot of redicule for being with me..Yet it didn't bother her too much.
A beautiful white chick loving an asain guy..Sometimes i get really angery and want to relaliate.
She actaully just tell the other guys. " Yeah you wish...you wish you can touch me or be with me."
then kissed me and hug me in front of them, just to mellow me out.

I was bascailly the almost the only asian kid in school growing up or in my town.
One of my friend is 1/2 asian. We both come from unpper middle class back grounds..
My dad was VP of a very successful bussiness. My friend's father was a doctor.
Yet..we lived in a world of biggotry and hatred.. Made to feel less than humans or a second class citizen.
Welcome to fucken America...

Andrea saw through all of that. She too was made to feel like there's something wrong with her for loving me.
Andrea was strong. She never faulter nor gave in to hatred. Losing her was like losing everything or any hope
of someone accepting me and loving me as I am. It wasn't about the fucken money, it wasn't about the car,
it wasn't drugs. It wasn't about how fucken cool i thought i was...the things I do just so I feel accepted or
tried to fit in becuase the color of my fucken skin....Andrea simply Love me.

Just walking home with her, holding her hands and being with her gave me peace.

I actaully stopped drinking, smoking or getting high when I was with Andrea.
My grades went back up again. We hang out in the libuary during lunch...instead of going out to get stones like I used too.

Andrea was very pretty. She's better looking than my ex-wf. Most of the guys where afraid to aprroch her.
Andrea was down to earth and a ministor's duagther. She wasn't flashie. Yet she carried herself with great
pride , selfworth and honor. Andrea didn't drink or used drugs...kind of like a goodie too shoes , if you dont know her.
If you got to know her..she's very funny
Andrea had beautiful long blonde hair, deep blue eyes, a perfect body and a face
of an angle..Jennerfer annyston resymbal Andrea as far as looks.
It was her inside...her as a person that made her beautiful.

We were the odd couple...I was Mr. head banger with hair almost down to my ass and spiked looking like a Motley crue dude.
She was like miss innocent church girl and a preacher's daughter.

Jenni was sort of the sameway, Jenni stuck through all the bullshit i was going though with my other crazy gf.
I met Jenni 3 months after I seperated from my other gf for the first time...I'd had lunch and dinner with her all the time.
I'd call Jenni all the time on saturday nights while she was home alone waiting for her bf to come home as I would wait
for my ex-gf to comehome. We both knew we were in an unhealthy relationship and had hell of a time getting out of it.
Everytime I seperate from my ex-gf...so would Jenni seperate from her ex- BF...So we were like wtF ????
There's a pattern, a cycle, or perhasp sometype of destiny/fate involved. Jenni could relate to everything I was
feeling about myself, as i do her. I was sober...Jenni dosn't drink.

The last time I had dinner with Jenni in a romatic resteruant
I was in T-shirts and blues Jeans..Jenni was dressed up.
People were looking at us like.... WTF is that guy doing with that chick ???