O
oarivan
Guest
I talk to myself a lot. Seems easier than striking up a conversation with someone else. When I do speak to someone I'm constantly thinking about how they perceive me. Does he think I'm an ass? Does she think I'm hideous? I notice every little thing that person would do in the course of a conversation. Mike doesn't speak unless I speak. He only answers. Nathan doesn't ever sit down when he talks to me. Maybe Mike doesn't really want to talk to me. Maybe Nathan is the same and he doesn't want to sit because he'd like a quick escape. Nicole doesn't talk to me unless I'm toking up. Guess she's only there for the drugs. This extends to online convos as well. She hasn't replied in over 2 minutes, I suppose she doesn't want to talk to me. He's online but he hasn't even IM'd me once so I guess he doesn't like me.
These are serious thoughts. Seems so immature, like when I was a teen and I thought the whole world was out to get me. I retaliated by becoming an *******, by thinking myself superior. I don't care if he doesn't want to IM me. I'm better than him anyway and besides, his intellectual capability is lacking so we'd have nothing to talk about. Self delusion as some form of coping mechanism maybe? I wouldn't know. I don't study such things. Sure, I've read articles and know equally crazy people do the same thing. This has been hurting my social life for years. I perceive every little thing as some form of attack on me. I truly am paranoid and I suppose the drugs aren't helping that.
Now I know 'normal' is a very loose definition. That being said, I'd like to be what society deems normal. I'd like to carry on a conversation without all these thoughts in my head. Maybe then I can stop cowering in my little corner and properly interact.
Any of this make sense? Probably not but then I'm kind of a mess right now.
These are serious thoughts. Seems so immature, like when I was a teen and I thought the whole world was out to get me. I retaliated by becoming an *******, by thinking myself superior. I don't care if he doesn't want to IM me. I'm better than him anyway and besides, his intellectual capability is lacking so we'd have nothing to talk about. Self delusion as some form of coping mechanism maybe? I wouldn't know. I don't study such things. Sure, I've read articles and know equally crazy people do the same thing. This has been hurting my social life for years. I perceive every little thing as some form of attack on me. I truly am paranoid and I suppose the drugs aren't helping that.
Now I know 'normal' is a very loose definition. That being said, I'd like to be what society deems normal. I'd like to carry on a conversation without all these thoughts in my head. Maybe then I can stop cowering in my little corner and properly interact.
Any of this make sense? Probably not but then I'm kind of a mess right now.