Countenance
Member
Okay...I know I am a bit eccentric. I know I've messaged a few people here and tried to give them personal, one-on-one support. That may or may not come off as weird or awkward to some; it isn't to me. I am merely helping out in the best way I know how.
Anyway, here's my point: I try not to think about why I am actually here (to seek support rather than give it), because I fear that if I do, I will spiral down into one of my depressive episodes.
It seems that I, through all my efforts to enjoy life as I am, to develop my talents (composing music, writing, singing, etc.), to keep my mind and heart busy and occupied upon things that are meaningful and will help me in the end...despite all those efforts, I am nonetheless plagued with this never-ending torrential torment (the illness aide, though that adds its lucre to the mix as well). That torment is this: I was very close to a young lady once... She was beautiful, sweet. She had her flaws, yes, but she strove. It was not until the end of our relation that I became aware of how afraid she really had become of my illness. She no longer loved me. She felt she loved the sickness. That was not fair in the least! She cut our love off, and masked her fear under the guise that she was leaving the country (and she was, so I could understand separating for a time) for some time. What devastated me most was that she never returned to me. Not that she promised to, nor was I really...correct in expecting her to, I guess. She was afraid of some preconceived, pretentious, extremely erroneous notion of a future that entailed our roles as husband and wife being switched! Preposterous!
I say all this because I saw her image on Facebook this morning, and memories, like an unforgiving wave of acid pain, washed over me and didn't relent. Good memories too, and I, like a desperate, blithering, immature fool, began to pine after her, yearning once more for her company! It has been two damnable years, and I haven't found any freaking way to release the feelings I once held for her...and yet she has for me. How cruel. How unkind. How selfish! How very, very inconsiderate to just drop me (or anyone, for that matter!) like that! Like a burlap sack of rotten potatoes on the side of a dirt road! Lame.
And yet, here am I: two years later. No, in fact, here am I: a 24-year-old man, multi-talented, relatively good-looking, sensitive, kind, blah, blah, blah, and I am so damned desperate that one look has me falling head-over-heels for her again.
Hell, one ounce of attention from any young woman near or around my age has my heart swelling with hope of...something, anyway. Five times since my ex have I attempted to even ask someone to merely hang out, freely, without the stringent obligations and expectations of a full-on date! Five times, and I have received rejections as if I had asked them formally!
My situation is likely not unique. Heh, I wouldn't doubt if there are any men on this board that suffer this as well. If so, I'm sorry that you do, and I hope that your lady love crosses into your path and follows it with you, and **** soon!
Well, back to music, I suppose. I'm can't say that my focus thereon will be even remote, but it's about the only other thing I love as passionately... Good bye.
Anyway, here's my point: I try not to think about why I am actually here (to seek support rather than give it), because I fear that if I do, I will spiral down into one of my depressive episodes.
It seems that I, through all my efforts to enjoy life as I am, to develop my talents (composing music, writing, singing, etc.), to keep my mind and heart busy and occupied upon things that are meaningful and will help me in the end...despite all those efforts, I am nonetheless plagued with this never-ending torrential torment (the illness aide, though that adds its lucre to the mix as well). That torment is this: I was very close to a young lady once... She was beautiful, sweet. She had her flaws, yes, but she strove. It was not until the end of our relation that I became aware of how afraid she really had become of my illness. She no longer loved me. She felt she loved the sickness. That was not fair in the least! She cut our love off, and masked her fear under the guise that she was leaving the country (and she was, so I could understand separating for a time) for some time. What devastated me most was that she never returned to me. Not that she promised to, nor was I really...correct in expecting her to, I guess. She was afraid of some preconceived, pretentious, extremely erroneous notion of a future that entailed our roles as husband and wife being switched! Preposterous!
I say all this because I saw her image on Facebook this morning, and memories, like an unforgiving wave of acid pain, washed over me and didn't relent. Good memories too, and I, like a desperate, blithering, immature fool, began to pine after her, yearning once more for her company! It has been two damnable years, and I haven't found any freaking way to release the feelings I once held for her...and yet she has for me. How cruel. How unkind. How selfish! How very, very inconsiderate to just drop me (or anyone, for that matter!) like that! Like a burlap sack of rotten potatoes on the side of a dirt road! Lame.
And yet, here am I: two years later. No, in fact, here am I: a 24-year-old man, multi-talented, relatively good-looking, sensitive, kind, blah, blah, blah, and I am so damned desperate that one look has me falling head-over-heels for her again.
Hell, one ounce of attention from any young woman near or around my age has my heart swelling with hope of...something, anyway. Five times since my ex have I attempted to even ask someone to merely hang out, freely, without the stringent obligations and expectations of a full-on date! Five times, and I have received rejections as if I had asked them formally!
My situation is likely not unique. Heh, I wouldn't doubt if there are any men on this board that suffer this as well. If so, I'm sorry that you do, and I hope that your lady love crosses into your path and follows it with you, and **** soon!
Well, back to music, I suppose. I'm can't say that my focus thereon will be even remote, but it's about the only other thing I love as passionately... Good bye.
