The Gift of the Magi

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Well-known member
Nov 22, 2022
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Possibly NSFW content below.
I make generalizations here that are based upon my observations.
Your experiences to the contrary, and your political prejudices, in no way invalidate my experiences and conclusions.

I just read a thread here posted by someone who has decided not to continue helping/nurturing others. They feel unappreciated at work,
particularly by a specific person whom they mentored.

My direct observation is, never volunteer help, this breeds contempt and dependence in the other person.
You need not be cruel, but demand something in return. This gives the other person dignity and accountability, and
it helps prevent you from feeling taken advantage of.

I have a slightly similar trouble. I'm still friends with a woman who was my girlfriend for many years.
It happened to be a D/s relationship in the bedroom.
Outside, I'd call her a control freak and a victim mentality.
She claims to have Asperger's syndrome. I've had a variety of mental health diagnosis, and consider that profession
no more valid than the practices of a witch doctor or astrologer.

Ever since reading Deborah Tannen and Warren Farrell, I've been aware of how the genders tend to
miscommunicate. Although I am far from being a stereotypical alpha male, when I care about a woman
I regard her well being as my responsibility, and I will even go against her expressed wishes if I feel it is
in her best interests. I consider this hard wired into me, a natural trait, a virtue. I would hardly consider myself conservative
nor old fashioned. I happen to be chronologically age 60. I think that genetics and culture play an obvious
role, and that attempting to deny this is asinine.

Some traits I find typical of many females, and particularly obnoxious are indirectness and cowardice.
My friend / former friend will tell long whining tales of being made a victim by co workers,
her father, and others.
She has no problem being bitchy towards me, but to hear her tell it, everyone on earth neglects
and/or abuses her. I genuinely care what happens to her and can't stop myself from trying to rescue, to solve.

To me, nothing could be more slimy than to just spread the misery. If you don't want help, shut up.
No, I don't have empathy if you refuse to take risk or take action.

In the book "Games People Play" is a particularly pernicious game named "Yes, but". Every attempt to help is
rejected, leaving the self proclaimed victim able to shed personal responsibility, to remain a victim.

As far as I can remember, I've been built this way. I was perhaps 5 years old, my sister perhaps 12.
My sister and brother (he was a couple years older than sister) treated me essentially as a real life toy, a doll, and were
predictably capricious and abusive. I got far more attention, both good and bad, from my control freak judgemental and
sadistic sister than I got from my mother.
On a camping trip, the two of us went away from our parents for a short walk. She put her sandals on the shore to wade into a shallow pool. A group of young boys, perhaps eight years old, ran up and began hectoring my sister, who told them in essence to get lost. One of the boys ostentatiously leaned over and dripped a huge wad of spit into one of her sandals.
Now, despite my sister being abusive, she was also the source of all things interesting and good to me as a child.
This was the first time I can remember what is now all too common, white hot rage.

Despite being much smaller than the boys, I rushed at them, and I quite literally intended to murder them with
my bare hands. Evidently this showed in my face, as they showed looks of terror on their faces, turned and ran.
So frightened were they that one turned and waved a pathetic two inch pen knife blade behind him, still running.

Suddenly, I felt searing pain, my hair being yanked. I was pulled off my feet into the air backwards and my skull slammed
hard into the packed earth. My sister had been running behind me while I chased the boys, and violently restrained me.

To this day, I consider her action deeply evil. She had no concern whatsoever about my well being, witnessed by the violence of
her restraint. Her concern was, as always, only for herself. My parents wanted nothing more in life than for nothing to change, nothing
to happen, nothing to disturb their stagnant lives. If I got in a fight, the boys parents might complain, and my sister might get the blame.

To me, I consider my action normal, good, even heroic. The bare minimum a brother owes to a sister, a husband to a wife, parents to a child.
Unfortunately, I never had the self discipline to develop myself into Batman. But the impulse has never gone away, to rescue victims, to punish people who are evil.

It quite simply does not pay. Perhaps men reading this can relate. Try this next time she is whining. Ask, "What are YOU going to do about it?" and/or
"Why are you telling me this? What, specifically, do you want me to do about this?" No real man should ever accept being used as an emotional tampon by a woman.

I am not necessarily advocating violence, but here is an interesting story. A boy was bullied and mocked all his life by an older brother. One day this boy was having trouble opening a bag of chips, and got out a steak knife to do the job. His bully brother leapt at the chance to mock him, saying he was too weak, needed a knife to open a flimsy bag. The boy then did what I consider completely justified and natural: he used the steak knife to attack, and murder, the bully. I wish I had posessed that sort of courage throughout my life. I consider him a hero, but society chose to send him, a minor, to prison. My point? Think about how much better life would be if everyone stood up against evil every day instead of saying "There's nothing you can do, it's always been that way".

In my experience, women are just as violent as men. Their tools are simply different. Words, manipulation, deceit. The wounds don't show, but the scars run deep. Incessant hectoring and complaining, then once you get revved up and take action, they blame YOU, they label you as the monster, violent.

I think it was Anthony Robbins who stated, "The quality of your life depends upon the quality of your communications". Sadly, this is true.
Speaking the blunt truth will get you attacked. You have to be a slimy manipulator. The person who posted about not getting promoted did not
understand. The quality of his work was almost completely irrelevant. There is no such thing as justice in life. The people able to emotionally and socially
manipulate get the rewards and advantages in our culture now. No business or government or social situation in our culture is a meritocracy.
Being a victim earns rewards. Being assertive earns reproach.
You can read the inevitable consequences in Atlas Shrugged.
You sound like you've got your position down pat, and I won't try to change it. I just wanted to chime in and say I found your sentence about being not having to be an emotional tampon for someone pretty great, even with the light sprinkle of misogyny. Wishing you the best.

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