The truth

[Chris 2]

I rant about the same thing over and over again in the countless post that I have made with very little change in between, enough to bother some people to the point that they think I'm all a big joke. Every response is the same asking me why don't I do something about it or things will change, love come when you least expect it. Maybe I get other answer like: I know what it like Chris, I use to be there myself", and sometime I get answer like stop sitting around on your ass and do something about it, and then there are other who "think" they are in the same shoe as me and seem pretty hopeless as well.

So why do I keep posting the same thing over and over again? Why do I constantly never leave my room, why don't I just move somewhere else, why don't I ask girl out, why can't I make any friends, why do I even go online?

Yes I sit on my butt pretty much all day long with the drape close and my door lock. I haven't gone out in three day, and it pissing off my parents. When I look at life, it is very gray, there is no place I really belong, and my room is my only safe haven. Well you can call me weak or a coward or whatever you have in mind when you read my post, but I have been to many states, I have been on the road on and off, I have even seen the nation capital, and all the grand monuments that it hold, yet no matter where I go tears of loneliness drip down my eye. I have been to the most crowded place in the U.S, New York City, and I have been at town square swarming with thousand of people, but like home, I have felt lonely.

I am sick emotionally, mentally, socially, and physically. I have no place to go, I could go watch a movie, I could go bowling, I could go to a restaurant, but who want to go alone anyway? I could get out more, I could play around in the park, I could walk around in my neighborhood, of course unless I want to risk injury or even death, I would rather not. It is already awful living in the suppose safest country on earth only then having to deal with crime, violent, racist dick, and seeing that a few time a month, there are many cops car in front of the house, or usually see police helicopter flying over with their search light. I could walk out today but it is possible I could get shot. But hey, I could move, if only I had the money, I could ask a girl out, if only I wasn't anxiety stricken, I could make friends, if only I have a friendly first impression, I could this and I could that, but I could also suffer in the process as well.

 

[Gothmother]

Ok, Lets deal with this step by step.

I rant about the same thing over and over again in the countless post that I have made with very little change in between

Ranting is a way of venting frustration. Thats a good thing.
BUT when it becomes repetative, it becomes that vicious circle and the nasty rut that often is hard to break out of.
You could change it if you want to, but the key here Chris is Wanting to. Im sure you could find many excuses under the sun why you felt you couldnt change and im sure many of us including myself have done that too.
BUT you can change if you realy realy want to make that diffrence to how you feel.
To have travelled to cities and see things you have, is truely a privalidge that many of us wont ever have, but it makes the point that no matter where you are in the world, you can always feel alone.
Again, you can change your outlook but gettin off your arse, opening them curtains, open the window and breath in the fresh air, stop wallowing in your own self pity as there is nothing more unatractive or negative as someone who is unwilling to help themselves.
I hear your frustration Chris, i truely do, but short of being "harsh" with you, "IF" in all your what if's dont drop into your lap unless you go out there and do somthing about it!
Have you got a counciller,spmeone you can go and unload on as it realy does sound like you need to have some real help with people who can direct you where you want to be.
Please though, one thing that irks me more then anything about all the posts ive read of yours is the "hard done by" crap.
You have more going for you then alot of other people. Dont waste it, use it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Okay...read what I write.
My experince, my strenth and my hope.
I'm an asian dude that likes hwat white chicks too.

I ISOLATED MYSELF FOR A YEAR IN MY FUCKEN CAVE.

People here (mainly Samba) ..talked me into going outside.
I followed those simple directions. It took me almost a week
to be able to make it to the park....lol ( 2 blocks from my house)

That was my goal...to be able to just go to the **** park
and ride my bike. Obviously I did it alone with tears in my eyes
and my freaken skin crawling.

A couple of days ago...I went to the mall by myself....fucken
alone...lmao But **** it...I havn't gone to mall in 3 years.

I went to the chirstmas parade ALONE this past weekend...lol

I made a gradtitude list...I was open mind enough.
NALEE made a rant thread and a Graditude Thread.
I thought she especificly made it for me....(no..lmao).
But I took the opportunity to partiscipate in it.

The graditude list is design to change my attitude from
negative to positive. It took me a day to pick up a 1000lb
to make a list....but I did it.

People here reach out to me....I followed those simple
directions. I read other's post and apply what they wrote
to my life.

Inspite of what i feel or think...I took ACTIONS.

It's been only 3 months since I've logged on.
My life has changed in so many ways.
I don't have close, close friends in real life...But i can hang around
people. I'm making more friends. I run into people i used to know
or old freinds. I asked for help from my sponsor. I can call him
anytime I want if I have trouble. I follow simple directions from.
I do thing he ask of me to do..even if i don't want to do them.
He's last instructions or things he would tell me when he's just chit chatting with me in a joking way.
"if you hang around possitve happy people...you'll be happy too".
That man cracks me up..lol Laughter is healing.

It also been my experince...everytime i was asked out by a hawt white chick..., I was positive and happy.
duh....that's no freaken big secret.

I'll write this again... I ISOLATED MYSELF FOR A YEAR AND I THOUGHT LIFE SUCKED ASS !!..lmao
For the first time in my life, i thought about taking myself...just me entertaining those toughts...ment i wasn't well.

It's not like that today....I freaken WORKED for it. In other words i got off of my ass to do something about it.
It's not perfect, It's not what i want ...but I'm making progress. I make more gratitude list if I get wacked every now and then.
Bascailly applying those same tools that got me out of the freaken cave as I move forwad.
Everyday that i awaken...is anohter opportunity for me to make my dreams come true.

This is what I'm working on today....Beliving in myself. I've set small goals that I could attain. I did them inspite of it all , through
self disciplin. Doing crap I don't want to do consitantly. Going to meetings when I don't want to, riding my bike 10 miles everyday
when I don't want to. Saying hello to people and complete strangers when i don't want to. Helping others when I don't want to.
By obtaining these small but seem like overwhelming to me...I did them. It adds to my self esteem. I know I can.
Now I just set different goals or slightly harder goals...Moving forward inspite of it all.

I added wieght lifting and playing my guitar to the list of things. I do these things everyday now. I make myself.
I went back to work.
I love playing my guitar , I like to have money in my pockets, and I wanna have a sexy body so CG can hit on me...

The other hard thing I have to do is pray for my ex-gf to be happy....My freaken sponsor told me too.
So I'm following those **** simple instructions..doing crap I don't want to do. Whatever it takes to get rid
of the hate i have in me. It didn't mattered how it got there...I had hate in me.

It's what the doctor ordered...
It's cool to have a doctor as a sponsor. I get treatments for free.
He dosn't precribe me pills as medications. He give's me real medician... Keeping it real and teaching me how to live
a healthy happy life.

It's call being humble becuase I had the pride in reverse going.

 

[Satyr]

I rant about the same thing over and over again in the countless post that I have made with very little change in between, enough to bother some people to the point that they think I'm all a big joke.

This probably has nothing to do with your post, but I've been wanting to say this for awhile...

It may not matter to you or anyone else, but I don't think you're a big joke. Maybe you didn't notice, but I went out of my way to defend you when a lot of people here buckled and sent you many messages of disaproval. In fact during the process, I alienated a great number of the people that at one time were perfectly willing to talk to me. All I get now is silence, but whatever. I imagine this reply will get the same treatment, but again...whatever.

The reason I did this was because at one point I was in an angry, suicidal and generally honeysuckle filled state of mind and there were a few people that took the time to defend ME while the others sent snotty remarks and told me to find a nice quiet place to go fresia myself. Several of my defenders are no longer members here. Why? Because the snotty remark people ran them off.

If you still hate white guys, that's fine by me. I'm white as the driven snow and I honestly don't care. Hate me. You want a white girl? Sounds good. No, I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes or anyone's for that matter. Most of the time I don't know what the hell is wrong with you people. All I can do is type random things and hope something sinks in, while I quietly deal with my own bullshit at the same time. Ultimately, that's all any of us can do.

Want some good advice?

Step 1) Go out, get drunk and tell some cute little intoxicated white girl that she's incredibly beautiful.

Step 2) fresia her

Advice didn't work? Repeat from step 1 until it does.

:club:

 

[Chris 2]

reply when to Satyr pm instead.

 

[Steel]

Firstly, I completely agree with Gothmother & Lonesome Crow.

One day, Chris, you will hopefully realise that life is there for living... if you choose to live it. Currently, and this may sound harsh, I believe all you want is pity.. not help. Pity may indeed make you feel better for a while, but its like junk food.. it will leave you hungry again in a very short time. As soon as you make some changes in your life, then you WILL find this board will encourage you along that road.

 

[AllAlone1]

Well I will add my 2 cents one thing that I have learn in my short stay on this rock is that people who feel the way you do will never truly change I know because I used to be the same exact way the only difference is now because I am an adult have no choice but to deal with the world outside my window or my kids won't eat and my bills won't be paid but still to this day I experience the feeling of being in a crowded room and still feeling alone and the answer I found that seem to work for me is to turn to spirituality and I don't mean religion because I don't believe in religion but thats another topic for another thread but just give to some advice I think to fill this void of loneliness you feel you have to go on an internal journey inside yourself to find out who you are, what you want out of life and that help point you the direction of what your purpose for being here is because I think everyone on this rock has a purpose even if it is to kill and/or spew hate because I have learned on this side of death you have to accept the good along with the bad as hard as that may seem to do. You are looking outside of yourself to fill a void that is internal and that will never happen thats why you feel sorrow no matter where you are, ever heard the saying "No matter where you are at there you are" as a youngster it used to infuriate me that I didn't what this meant but now because of maturity and wisdom of certain things due to my own ongoing inner journey I know exactly what this means. I'm not saying it will be easy take it from me its an everyday struggle and I do fall to the wayside sometimes but as along as I hold steadfast to what I believe in and keep the supreme being that I acknowledge in my mind and my heart I can conquer this demon! I hope this helps.

 

[flylikeplanes]

Your right. You are absolutely right! Your life really sucks and it's NEVER gonna change. Simply because you REFUSE to get up and seek the help you need. Your INACTION speaks volumes. Don't blame your life on destiny, the white man or your parents-unless they are holding a gun to your head and making you do things against your will. At the end of the day we are all responsible for our happiness. You are wallowing in self pity. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results. You create your future. So what is sitting in that room creating for you? What is wallowing in self pity creating for you? What is ignoring good advice creating for you? You have a victim mentality and it isn't helping you. Whether by action or inaction, you are creating your tomorrow. You don't have the corner market on pain and your a grown man so grow up! Your past isn't your problem, its what your doing right now that is.

wow that was awesome, Naleena. I couldnt have said it better.

Wallowing in your depression isnt going to get you anywhere. We dont live forever and just wasting away in your room isnt gonna do anthing at all for you, Chris.

When it comes to being lonely and depressed we no one but ourselves to blame.