Things I'll never do if I get better

[Xpendable]

But what if you don't know people are struggling? Like, if I post on Facebook that I got a new job.

1) "Got a new job. Looking good so far "

2) "Finally making six figures. Who says you can't make it? Losers that's who! Here a picture of my and my buddies at the office. We're going for a beer later and get wasted. Better anyone knows how awesome my job is everyday, God forbid single day passes without me notifying every single detail of my awesome job to people I barely meet. Here's another picture"

There's always parameters.

 

[Oldyoung]

I make a very blunt point here, but I think there's a difference between sharing stuff to be informative, vs trying to increase your social status.

I've changed jobs. It's at [place] and i start at [date]. [Emotional appeal, excited/resigned]

vs

"It's been two weeks so far, and I LOVE my job!"
"it's been three weeks, and my coworkers are AWESOME!"
"The benefits at this workplace are AMAZING!"
"Also, today my SO did [insert amazing thing] for me today!"

I believe you are of the former type Nicole, just to have that in the clear.

 

[Xpendable]

I partially agree with the rest but not with this.

I'm just going to present my perspective because I know there's no way we will agree. I think the input can be helpful for others in some way.

Ugh, I really dislike the word can't. It's very rarely used correctly.
Yes, some people will be alone forever, but guess what, it's not because they CAN'T get someone, it's because they GIVE UP or don't bother to try in the first place.

This doesn't help. I'm sorry.

Imagine yourself, the age you have right now. Remember your first kiss, your first boyfriend. Remember your dates and your crushes. Remember when your kids were born.
Now imagine as if none of that ever happened. Not only that didn't happened, but that it was never remotely close to happen. Imagine no boy ever looked at you, never smiled at you. Imagine no man ever said something nice about you; never felt the need to approach you. Imagine you where nice and up-beat, you had passions and interests. You got along with people fine, but as soon your need for intimacy came on you where alone.
Imagine every day of your life so far; every hour, every second. Devoid of that intimacy, devoid of care and companionship. You would look back at your life trying to find the feeling of being loved by someone, of being wanted by someone. But there's nothing. Didn't matter that you tried, didn't matter if you gived up or not, it was out our your control. You are a ghost, an illusion that people enjoy being around like a memory or a though with no life on its own. You tried to be a certain way, you treated people the best way possible, you where honest and kind to everyone and tried to be a person that no one could ever reject. You got nothing.
No first kiss, no smiles, not a single look at your eyes. You don't exists.
Imagine your life so far like that, constanly aware on how the world keeps spinning around you. No one who misses you or wonders with a smile what could you be doing. No one who gets nervous to talk to you or is intersted in impress you.
Imagine a life like that and then imagine someone who never had to pass through that and the tell you: Why so negative?

It has EVERYTHING to do with how positive or negative they are because that projects outward onto other people. People can SEE that, and yes, it is unappealing. There is someone for EVERYONE.

Please stop. I'm crying right now. You know how many people I 've made cry in my life? NONE. You know how many people had called me negative before today in my life. NONE.
We want to help people! Not reciting motivational posters!

I want to understand people, not to put them in a corner and sell them prefabricated solutions. How can you repeat the same thing over and over without never experienced total and complete rejection?
You know how it feels to a person who has been treated like honeysuckle forever being told that they "haven't tried hard enough". Oh they are just negative. How convenient is that the same feeling produced by being rejected is some magical turn-off that spreads like a virus. How easy is to repeat those things ad nauseum like some catchphrase with no meaning. How cruel is to pretend someone can be saved just that you can feel good about yourself and some unfalsifiable belief that acts like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If it works is because you got better.

If it doesn't is because you haven't tried hard enough.

Goddammit.

Forget my first list. The only thing tha I'll do if I get better is to memorise what you said and never repeat it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Ugh, I really dislike the word can't. It's very rarely used correctly.
Yes, some people will be alone forever, but guess what, it's not because they CAN'T get someone, it's because they GIVE UP or don't bother to try in the first place. Or don't try hard enough, or any other number of reasons that things don't work out the way you want them to. That is not CAN'T, that is don't, sometimes even won't.

This doesn't help. I'm sorry.

Imagine yourself, the age you have right now. Remember your first kiss, your first boyfriend. Remember your dates and your crushes. Remember when your kids were born.
Now imagine as if none of that ever happened. Not only that didn't happened, but that it was never remotely close to happen. Imagine no boy ever looked at you, never smiled at you. Imagine no man ever said something nice about you; never felt the need to approach you. Imagine you where nice and up-beat, you had passions and interests. You got along with people fine, but as soon your need for intimacy came on you where alone.
Imagine every day of your life so far; every hour, every second. Devoid of that intimacy, devoid of care and companionship. You would look back at your life trying to find the feeling of being loved by someone, of being wanted by someone. But there's nothing. Didn't matter that you tried, didn't matter if you gived up or not, it was out our your control. You are a ghost, an illusion that people enjoy being around like a memory or a though with no life on its own. You tried to be a certain way, you treated people the best way possible, you where honest and kind to everyone and tried to be a person that no one could ever reject. You got nothing.
No first kiss, no smiles, not a single look at your eyes. You don't exists.
Imagine your life so far like that, constanly aware on how the world keeps spinning around you. No one who misses you or wonders with a smile what could you be doing. No one who gets nervous to talk to you or is intersted in impress you.
Imagine a life like that and then imagine someone who never had to pass through that and the tell you: Why so negative?

Okay, first off, if you are going to argue with me, use ALL of what I said. Don't pick and choose and edit out so you can make some kind of argument or show how much of a ***** you think I am. I took the liberty of putting back what you took out. There are a MILLION reasons someone might not have had a girlfriend/boyfriend. Not just because they gave up or didn't try. But yes, negativity is a big factor in meeting people, regardless of whether you are looking for a significant other or a friend.
Yeah, I've had boyfriends and I have kids and hey I was even married (still am, if you want to be technical), but that doesn't mean I haven't had major struggles in my life or that i haven't been completely and totally rejected.
I don't have intimacy and I haven't for 5 and a half years. You might come back and say that I had it once, so I could never understand, but who the fresia cares what I once had or what you have or what anyone else might have or not have. It is what it is. Yes, it would be nice to have someone, but I neither need or want it. I am content with being myself and doing for me and bettering myself. I don't need a man in my life to complete some part of myself. If you feel you need a girlfriend THAT badly, then you need to work on yourself. You need to accept yourself. You might not like what I say and you might think it's wrong, but I've seen it before. The second someone that feels they NEED a significant other in their life to make them complete they become dependent and clingy, which is usually a turnoff for most. And no, I'm not saying you are that desperate, I'm not saying it's wrong to want a girlfriend/boyfriend. What I'm saying is that clearly there is a reason you don't have one and no, it's not your looks, it's not your job, it's not your car. Figure out what it is and change it.
I get a lot of people telling me they are NOT negative, but you know what, what you (and others) say in other posts tells a different story. Sorry, but that's the truth of it.

It has EVERYTHING to do with how positive or negative they are because that projects outward onto other people. People can SEE that, and yes, it is unappealing. There is someone for EVERYONE.

Please stop. I'm crying right now. You know how many people I 've made cry in my life? NONE. You know how many people had called me negative before today in my life. NONE.
We want to help people! Not reciting motivational posters!

I want to understand people, not to put them in a corner and sell them prefabricated solutions. How can you repeat the same thing over and over without never experienced total and complete rejection?
You know how it feels to a person who has been treated like honeysuckle forever being told that they "haven't tried hard enough". Oh they are just negative. How convenient is that the same feeling produced by being rejected is some magical turn-off that spreads like a virus. How easy is to repeat those things ad nauseum like some catchphrase with no meaning. How cruel is to pretend someone can be saved just that you can feel good about yourself and some unfalsifiable belief that acts like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If it works is because you got better.

If it doesn't is because you haven't tried hard enough.

Goddammit.

Forget my first list. The only thing tha I'll do if I get better is to memorise what you said and never repeat it.

I'm not trying to make you cry. I'm not trying to be a ***** here either, but I won't coddle people and I won't stay silent on something I have a strong opinion on.
But do you know how many people have made ME cry in my life? Quite a ******* few and not because they were trying to HELP me, because they were trying to HURT me. So you know what, I've had more struggles in my life than you could imagine. Yes, I've had significant others and I could probably get one again if I want one, but working on ME and helping my CHILDREN and making sure they have what they need is more important to me than any kind of intimacy. I could go out and get messed or whatever I want whenever I want, but I don't care about that honeysuckle, because it's secondary to the important honeysuckle in my life.
I don't offer "Solutions," I offer advice and my experiences. What worked for me, may not work for you or anything else, but I never said what worked for me, did I? Not until the little I said in this post.
Now I'll go back to the complete and total rejection. My husband is an alcoholic, he left me on CHRISTMAS NIGHT, I could go on with what happened there, but I have no desire to do so because it's my business. So don't sit there and tell me I don't understand complete and total rejection, because you have NO idea how I have been rejected in my life.

Again, as I said first, I didn't say you didn't try hard enough. I said (and this is the part you conveniently edited out) there are a MILLION reasons why and not trying hard enough is just one of them. Your attitude toward anything you do plays a huge factor in whether or not you will succeed.
LOL, I never said things happen "just like that." I would NEVER say that to anyone. Bettering yourself and being okay with yourself and going after what you want is possibly the hardest work you will EVER do. Don't put words in my mouth that I did not and would never say.

Now, to quote something YOU said....and I'll take the liberty of adding to it too.

Yes, the difference is in reading the posts carefully and entirely.

 

[Xpendable]

Okay, first off, if you are going to argue with me, use ALL of what I said. Don't pick and choose and edit out so you can make some kind of argument or show how much of a ***** you think I am.

I edited out what it seems reiterative. The overall message was the same. I don't think you're a *****; that word never crossed my mind.

There are a MILLION reasons someone might not have had a girlfriend/boyfriend. Not just because they gave up or didn't try.

And let me guess, they all rely on "working on yourself".

But yes, negativity is a big factor in meeting people, regardless of whether you are looking for a significant other or a friend.

In a perfect world maybe. No matter how shitty the person is, they'll have someone who love them for who they are. Many times that someone would be so much better that you will realise fairness and justice are in fact human inventions.

Yeah, I've had boyfriends and I have kids and hey I was even married (still am, if you want to be technical), but that doesn't mean I haven't had major struggles in my life or that i haven't been completely and totally rejected.

If you had them then you weren't COMPLETELY rejected.

I don't have intimacy and I haven't for 5 and a half years.

Try your whole life.

You might come back and say that I had it once, so I could never understand, but who the fresia cares what I once had or what you have or what anyone else might have or not have. It is what it is.

It matters because it gives you a different perspective on things. It alters the way you see the world and changes the experiences you may have about the issue. It gives you another opinion.

Yes, it would be nice to have someone, but I neither need or want it. I am content with being myself and doing for me and bettering myself. I don't need a man in my life to complete some part of myself.

Would you think the same if you never had anyone?

If you feel you need a girlfriend THAT badly, then you need to work on yourself.

-Above average intelligence.
-Gets good grades.
-Play three instruments.
-Writes music.
-Writes.
-Paints and draws
-Speaks three languages.
-Plays sports.
-Socializes ratter well.
-Considered funny, loyal, supportive and easy to get along.
-Doesn't smoke, drinks or curses.
-Good worker and co worker.
-Can talk about art, politics, philosophy, science...
-Cares about people and never hold grudges.
-Respects everyone without being a pushover.
-Never had an enemy and never started a fist fight ETC.

Does this makes my sound arrogant?
Are this the qualities of an undesirable person? Or is that I haven't "work on myself" enough? (these catchphrases keep coming)

You need to accept yourself.

Well, which is it? Work on myself or just accept who I am? I'm confused.

The second someone that feels they NEED a significant other in their life to make them complete they become dependent and clingy, which is usually a turnoff for most.

I'm not those things. But you know, "There are MILLIONS of reasons"

What I'm saying is that clearly there is a reason you don't have one and no, it's not your looks, it's not your job, it's not your car. Figure out what it is and change it.

And when I change it and doesn't work it probably means there's another thing I needed to work. And when that doesn't work it should be a third thing that I need to change... You get the idea.

I get a lot of people telling me they are NOT negative, but you know what, what you (and others) say in other posts tells a different story. Sorry, but that's the truth of it.

We had this conversation already. You think is negative because you don't like how it sounds, Is your truth, no one else's.

I'm not trying to make you cry. I'm not trying to be a ***** here either, but I won't coddle people and I won't stay silent on something I have a strong opinion on.

Is not you what makes me cry, is the way I have to expose my feelings just to get a point across. Knowing exactly every detail of my suffering and having to write it down only to be dismissed lately as just another "negative guy".

Yes, I've had significant others and I could probably get one again if I want one, but working on ME and helping my CHILDREN and making sure they have what they need is more important to me than any kind of intimacy. I could go out and get messed or whatever I want whenever I want, but I don't care about that honeysuckle, because it's secondary to the important honeysuckle in my life.
I don't offer "Solutions," I offer advice and my experiences. What worked for me, may not work for you or anything else, but I never said what worked for me, did I? Not until the little I said in this post.

If you admit that we have different experiences then why you won't accept I have different opinions?

Now I'll go back to the complete and total rejection. My husband is an alcoholic, he left me on CHRISTMAS NIGHT, I could go on with what happened there, but I have no desire to do so because it's my business. So don't sit there and tell me I don't understand complete and total rejection, because you have NO idea how I have been rejected in my life.

Why can an alcoholic get married but I have to work on myself?

Again, as I said first, I didn't say you didn't try hard enough. I said (and this is the part you conveniently edited out) there are a MILLION reasons why and not trying hard enough is just one of them. Your attitude toward anything you do plays a huge factor in whether or not you will succeed.

We DON'T control the universe. This isn't The Secret. Why is so crazy to admit we have no control over most of our lives? Why is so terrifying? Is free will so important that we can't grasp the idea that sometimes bad things happen to people no matter what attitude they have?

Bettering yourself and being okay with yourself and going after what you want is possibly the hardest work you will EVER do.

Then let me do it my way.

 

[TheRealCallie]

There are a MILLION reasons someone might not have had a girlfriend/boyfriend. Not just because they gave up or didn't try.

And let me guess, they all rely on "working on yourself".

Well yes, regardless of what your situation is whether you are miserable, whether your life is in the toilet or how good you feel or how happy you are there is ALWAYS something you can be working on. No one is perfect, therefore there is ALWAYS room for self improvement.

But yes, negativity is a big factor in meeting people, regardless of whether you are looking for a significant other or a friend.

In a perfect world maybe. No matter how shitty the person is, they'll have someone who love them for who they are. Many times that someone would be so much better that you will realise fairness and justice are in fact human inventions.

Yes, they (as in everyone, including you and everyone on this forum) will have someone who loves them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it will be romantic love.
There are even many cases where people have someone that loves them romantically, but that person is too afraid to tell them how they feel. You can't really know what is in another person's mind or heart. Just like you have problems, so do a lot of others, so someone could want to be your girlfriend, they are just too afraid to act on it or you either don't realize, don't feel the same or completely disregard the person.

Yeah, I've had boyfriends and I have kids and hey I was even married (still am, if you want to be technical), but that doesn't mean I haven't had major struggles in my life or that i haven't been completely and totally rejected.

If you had them then you weren't COMPLETELY rejected.

That's where you are wrong. Complete rejection comes in many forms and some might say having had relationships and being completely rejected is worse than never having relationships before. It's an age old debate, the whole "Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

You might come back and say that I had it once, so I could never understand, but who the fresia cares what I once had or what you have or what anyone else might have or not have. It is what it is.

It matters because it gives you a different perspective on things. It alters the way you see the world and changes the experiences you may have about the issue. It gives you another opinion.

Perhaps it does give me a different perspective on things and yes, I most likely see the world differently than you do. But the fact is, that I don't dwell on what I don't have. If you want something, whether it's a girlfriend, to be successful in business, or even if it's a car, you work hard to get it. You do what's necessary, while staying true to yourself and who you are. Plain and simple, everything takes work. You will stumble and have obstacles with almost everything you set out to do, but you only FAIL when you stop trying.

Yes, it would be nice to have someone, but I neither need or want it. I am content with being myself and doing for me and bettering myself. I don't need a man in my life to complete some part of myself.

Would you think the same if you never had anyone?

That I can't tell you. I wouldn't be who I am if I never had anyone, so I don't know what my perspective of the world would be. Which is entirely what I'm trying to get across to you. If you had relationships, if your life had been different, if you get a girlfriend tomorrow and are completely happy, your perspective and everything you believe right now might change. That is the way life works. Every event that happens to you in life will change how and what you think, at least a little bit, whether you believe that or not. I completely believe that you decide what path you will take and how you choose to view things that happen. Even if bad things happen to you, that doesn't mean you can't be happy, that you can't be completely positive....but the same goes with the reverse, you can also choose to be completely miserable and negative. The choice is on each individual.

If you feel you need a girlfriend THAT badly, then you need to work on yourself.

-Above average intelligence.
-Gets good grades.
-Play three instruments.
-Writes music.
-Writes.
-Paints and draws
-Speaks three languages.
-Plays sports.
-Socializes ratter well.
-Considered funny, loyal, supportive and easy to get along.
-Doesn't smoke, drinks or curses.
-Good worker and co worker.
-Can talk about art, politics, philosophy, science...
-Cares about people and never hold grudges.
-Respects everyone without being a pushover.
-Never had an enemy and never started a fist fight ETC.

Does this makes my sound arrogant?
Are this the qualities of an undesirable person? Or is that I haven't "work on myself" enough? (these catchphrases keep coming)

Listing off your "positive" accomplishments like that? Yeah, it does sound a tad arrogant.
But what do all of those things prove? They don't automatically mean you will have relationships. They don't necessarily mean that girls will flock to you. A lot of girls don't give a rat's ass about most of that stuff.
But yes, everyone is all eager to post the GOOD things about themselves, but I rarely see a list of what is NOT good about people. The list of what a person thinks is causing them to not have what they want. Girls don't look at resumes when choosing who to go out with. They go by their gut or attraction or some just go for straight out what you look like (and yes, there are other reasons).
Those qualities don't really tell me WHO you are. Yes, there are some there that do, but that's going by YOUR word of who you are. I don't know you and your friends (or whoever said those things about you), so why should I believe them when you are a complete stranger? Do you get where I'm going with this?

You need to accept yourself.

Well, which is it? Work on myself or just accept who I am? I'm confused.

Change what you can, accept what you can't. That's not to say change because you think it will make you get a girl. That's to say if you don't like something about yourself, change it for YOURSELF.

The second someone that feels they NEED a significant other in their life to make them complete they become dependent and clingy, which is usually a turnoff for most.

I'm not those things. But you know, "There are MILLIONS of reasons"

No one THINKS they are those things, but generally speaking, in my experience and what I've seen, it happens very frequently. Of course there are exceptions to the "rule." There are always exceptions. I'm not saying you would be like that, I'm just saying it happens a lot.

What I'm saying is that clearly there is a reason you don't have one and no, it's not your looks, it's not your job, it's not your car. Figure out what it is and change it.

And when I change it and doesn't work it probably means there's another thing I needed to work. And when that doesn't work it should be a third thing that I need to change... You get the idea.

Lol, okay right there. "when I change it and it doesn't work" That's part of the problem. FEAR that if you change something, it won't get any better. Maybe you were just being sarcastic and saying that to try to make a point, but it's there all the same, you said it.
Yes, there is always a chance that the thing you change won't change what happens, but that's true in everything you do. Just because you THINK you are qualified, doesn't mean you will get the job (not calling a relationship a job, it's just the easiest way to say it so others can understand).
For example, I used to be fat. I hated myself and was convinced that all of my problems and negativity was because I was fat. I lost the weight...oh hey, that wasn't the entire problem. I still had more work to do on myself. The weight was just one factor, the weight was just one excuse.
There is risk in everything, but if you never risk anything, you will usually never have anything. Besides, changing yourself for the better, if you don't like something, is never a bad thing, regardless of whether or not it gets you what you want. Which is what I'm saying. Be the person YOU want to be, make the changes if you don't want something and worry about getting a girl later. YOU are more important.

I get a lot of people telling me they are NOT negative, but you know what, what you (and others) say in other posts tells a different story. Sorry, but that's the truth of it.

We had this conversation already. You think is negative because you don't like how it sounds, Is your truth, no one else's.

No, it's my OPINION. And more people than you think will notice these situations. I'm not speaking of you specifically, but in general. People see things like this.

I'm not trying to make you cry. I'm not trying to be a ***** here either, but I won't coddle people and I won't stay silent on something I have a strong opinion on.

Is not you what makes me cry, is the way I have to expose my feelings just to get a point across. Knowing exactly every detail of my suffering and having to write it down only to be dismissed lately as just another "negative guy".

I'm not saying that you are just another negative guy, but in some aspects of your life, I believe you do have a lot of negativity. You can be completely positive about most things in your life, while being negative about one aspect of it.

Yes, I've had significant others and I could probably get one again if I want one, but working on ME and helping my CHILDREN and making sure they have what they need is more important to me than any kind of intimacy. I could go out and get messed or whatever I want whenever I want, but I don't care about that honeysuckle, because it's secondary to the important honeysuckle in my life.
I don't offer "Solutions," I offer advice and my experiences. What worked for me, may not work for you or anything else, but I never said what worked for me, did I? Not until the little I said in this post.

If you admit that we have different experiences then why you won't accept I have different opinions?

You are entitled to your opinions 100%. I never said you weren't. Yes, I disagree with many of yours in this post and I said something about it. How does that equate to me not accepting that you have different opinions? That's how discussions and debates (and even arguments) like these start....over differing opinions.

Now I'll go back to the complete and total rejection. My husband is an alcoholic, he left me on CHRISTMAS NIGHT, I could go on with what happened there, but I have no desire to do so because it's my business. So don't sit there and tell me I don't understand complete and total rejection, because you have NO idea how I have been rejected in my life.

Why can an alcoholic get married but I have to work on myself?

THAT is what you took from that post?
He was NOT an alcoholic ******* when I met him, thank you very much. Also, alcoholics can be VERY good at hiding the fact that they have a problem, especially when you don't know them well and you aren't around them all the time.

Again, as I said first, I didn't say you didn't try hard enough. I said (and this is the part you conveniently edited out) there are a MILLION reasons why and not trying hard enough is just one of them. Your attitude toward anything you do plays a huge factor in whether or not you will succeed.

We DON'T control the universe. This isn't The Secret. Why is so crazy to admit we have no control over most of our lives? Why is so terrifying? Is free will so important that we can't grasp the idea that sometimes bad things happen to people no matter what attitude they have?

No, we don't control the universe, but I believe 100% that you (each person) decides where their life is going to go. You ARE in control of your own life. You decide how you will look at events that happen in your life, you decide how you let an event ruin your life, you decide if you are going to be a victim after such an event.
I am aware this is a matter of opinion and many have differing opinions about it. But if you look on something in a negative light, of course it will be negative. Try looking on the bright side. Try not making it out to be something so bad that you will never recover from it. Or that you will never be happy if you don't get something. Or any number of other scenarios that can be fit in this type of thing.

 

[Xpendable]

Well yes, regardless of what your situation is whether you are miserable, whether your life is in the toilet or how good you feel or how happy you are there is ALWAYS something you can be working on. No one is perfect, therefore there is ALWAYS room for self improvement.

Agree.

Yes, they (as in everyone, including you and everyone on this forum) will have someone who loves them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it will be romantic love.

Of course there's people who love me. Family love is there and I know many people don't have that and I feel thankful for that. But everything else from that seems to have an electric fence around me that only can get shut down from outside.

There are even many cases where people have someone that loves them romantically, but that person is too afraid to tell them how they feel. You can't really know what is in another person's mind or heart. Just like you have problems, so do a lot of others, so someone could want to be your girlfriend, they are just too afraid to act on it or you either don't realize, don't feel the same or completely disregard the person.

If I did that I should be called coward? How is my responsibility to know if someone feels this way? If someone is so reluctant to share those feelings independently no matter how much I improve, then what I'm supposed to do?

That's where you are wrong. Complete rejection comes in many forms and some might say having had relationships and being completely rejected is worse than never having relationships before. It's an age old debate, the whole "Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

I just said that they accept you enough to want to have a relationship with you. Of course if could be worst things but I can't imagine being more rejected that someone who never the chance of acceptance.

But the fact is, that I don't dwell on what I don't have.

We all do at some extent.

If you want something, whether it's a girlfriend, to be successful in business, or even if it's a car, you work hard to get it. You do what's necessary, while staying true to yourself and who you are. Plain and simple, everything takes work. You will stumble and have obstacles with almost everything you set out to do, but you only FAIL when you stop trying.

What happens when you keep working hard for a numbers of years and nothing changes? You take different approaches, take advises, make calculations and look from different angles but you got no results.
I totally believe someone can work hard their entire life and not succeed. Some people refuse to believe that. There's lots of different ways to fail and many of them don't depend on yourself.

That I can't tell you. I wouldn't be who I am if I never had anyone, so I don't know what my perspective of the world would be. Which is entirely what I'm trying to get across to you.

I thought I was trying to get across that point.

If you had relationships, if your life had been different, if you get a girlfriend tomorrow and are completely happy, your perspective and everything you believe right now might change.

Well of course, I hope so for the better.

That is the way life works. Every event that happens to you in life will change how and what you think, at least a little bit, whether you believe that or not. I completely believe that you decide what path you will take and how you choose to view things that happen. Even if bad things happen to you, that doesn't mean you can't be happy, that you can't be completely positive....but the same goes with the reverse, you can also choose to be completely miserable and negative. The choice is on each individual.

My point is simple: You're what you make of yourself and you are what chance and circumstance let you be. The balance of those two things can vary but none is absolute.

Listing off your "positive" accomplishments like that? Yeah, it does sound a tad arrogant.
But what do all of those things prove? They don't automatically mean you will have relationships.

Exactly my point. That take me a lot of work and self-improvement; some conscious and some came along naturally, but I'm still alone. Sure, I have bad qualities too but I could list a bunch of terrible qualities of people I've meet in my life that get relationships (some quite good) with no problem. In the same way having good qualities does not assure you relationships, having bad traits doesn't deprive you from not having them. How is that encouraging?

They don't necessarily mean that girls will flock to you. A lot of girls don't give a rat's ass about most of that stuff.

Then they have to work a lot on themselves, because I'll kill for someone who could make half those things. If attraction is so random, then why to improve at all?

Those qualities don't really tell me WHO you are. Yes, there are some there that do, but that's going by YOUR word of who you are. I don't know you and your friends (or whoever said those things about you), so why should I believe them when you are a complete stranger? Do you get where I'm going with this?

Honestly no. If I'm a complete stranger how can you know how to advise me?

Change what you can, accept what you can't.

That's what I've being doing for a while now.

The second
No one THINKS they are those things, but generally speaking, in my experience and what I've seen, it happens very frequently. Of course there are exceptions to the "rule." There are always exceptions. I'm not saying you would be like that, I'm just saying it happens a lot.

Agree, attraction is random and unreliable.

That's part of the problem. FEAR that if you change something, it won't get any better. Yes, there is always a chance that the thing you change won't change what happens, but that's true in everything you do.

And that's why the chance of never succeeding is very real. I could improve until the day I die and I'll just become a lonely ubermensch. It's totally possible.

For example, I used to be fat. I hated myself and was convinced that all of my problems and negativity was because I was fat.

I'm convinced all my problems come from not being able to accept society's caprices and align myself with the cultural conditioning and idiosyncrasy around me. Any advice on that?

There is risk in everything, but if you never risk anything, you will usually never have anything. Besides, changing yourself for the better, if you don't like something, is never a bad thing, regardless of whether or not it gets you what you want. Which is what I'm saying. Be the person YOU want to be, make the changes if you don't want something and worry about getting a girl later. YOU are more important.

You see, I came to understand that while I improve more and more, "getting the girl" becomes more unlikely. Being the person I want to be will drive away from the natural consensus of attractiveness. I'll be so far up my own development that I will be to different to be loved. To alienated from the mundane to connect with someone. I fear everything will lost meaning until the day I learn not to feel lonely while being who I am.

No, it's my OPINION. And more people than you think will notice these situations. I'm not speaking of you specifically, but in general. People see things like this.

That's what opinions are. Little truths that we tell ourselves that can't always be proven.

You are entitled to your opinions 100%. I never said you weren't. Yes, I disagree with many of yours in this post and I said something about it. How does that equate to me not accepting that you have different opinions? That's how discussions and debates (and even arguments) like these start....over differing opinions.

Debates are meant to expose arguments in a way it makes you sound logical and reasonable to a third party, not to change someone else's mind. It feels that you don't like what I think, so I should change it. You're are not willing to accept my way of seeing the world as valid, when I in no way want to change yours. I just want to let me sustain my views.

THAT is what you took from that post?
He was NOT an alcoholic ******* when I met him, thank you very much. Also, alcoholics can be VERY good at hiding the fact that they have a problem, especially when you don't know them well and you aren't around them all the time.

I'm sorry for that, I couldn't resist to make the association. But also I can't give you any perspective in that because is not in my experience.

No, we don't control the universe, but I believe 100% that you (each person) decides where their life is going to go. You ARE in control of your own life. You decide how you will look at events that happen in your life, you decide how you let an event ruin your life, you decide if you are going to be a victim after such an event.
I am aware this is a matter of opinion and many have differing opinions about it. But if you look on something in a negative light, of course it will be negative. Try looking on the bright side. Try not making it out to be something so bad that you will never recover from it. Or that you will never be happy if you don't get something. Or any number of other scenarios that can be fit in this type of thing.

On July 4th, this month. I was doing my shift at work. The guy that came at night couldn't do it because his wife had a complicated birth. They had sex 9 months early because it was independence day in my country; thanks to something that happened in 1810. Anyway, I had to make the double shift by myself. That made me feel sleepy and hungry, which affected my mood. The same day, the national team won the american cup for the first time in 105 years; causing commotion. After 16 hrs working I had to go to town at 8:00 am in the middle of the celebration.Due to the chaos and alcohol I got robbed at knife point by someone that wouldn't have been there if the team had lost. I was to tired and scared to do something, so I gave him what I could and leave. Since he stole my ID, I had to go to cancel it and get a new one right away to prevent he used it. That made me cancel plans I had with some friends. Between those friends there's was a girl I though was interesting and wanted to know her better. One week later I realize she just had a boyfriend, a guy that she meet in that same meeting I had to skip. What did I do wrong?

I remember not having a single negative though the 4th of July when I woke up. I didn't wish to pass through all of that night like in any moment. Nevertheless, all those events happened outside my control and affected my life like nothing. What if I had chosen a different job 2 years early?
What if my team lost? What if I had fought the thief and get stabbed? What if my co worker had sex one day after? What if my country got its independence one day later?

God plays with dices and the house always wins. Trying to change the outcome of existence is like a grain of sand trying to change the course of the ocean. We thrive in the illusion of control, we tell ourselves that we made things happen. But it would only take an extra glass of beer of your parents to prevent your own existence. Everything is so fragile an yet we believe life is like a bending machine were you put effort and reward comes like some kind of natural law.

This type of realization is what makes me feel alienated from others. This one of those things girls don't give a rat's ass about. This is the type of things I had to accept while I was working on myself and probably there will be more "negative" stuff in the future. This is no opinion, its science. Science tells reality and reality makes our lives. We are alone.

 

[Triple Bogey]

-Above average intelligence.
-Gets good grades.
-Play three instruments.
-Writes music.
-Writes.
-Paints and draws
-Speaks three languages.
-Plays sports.
-Socializes ratter well.
-Considered funny, loyal, supportive and easy to get along.
-Doesn't smoke, drinks or curses.
-Good worker and co worker.
-Can talk about art, politics, philosophy, science...
-Cares about people and never hold grudges.
-Respects everyone without being a pushover.
-Never had an enemy and never started a fist fight

You have missed out the MOST IMPORTANT thing a woman LOOKS for !

 

[Xpendable]

You have missed out the MOST IMPORTANT thing a woman LOOKS for !

You can't say that. That's negative.

 

[Xpendable]

I'll never live in a condo, so I won't have people doing dirty jobs for me. (******* snobs)

 

[Serenia]

I'll never live in a condo, so I won't have people doing dirty jobs for me. (******* snobs)

I don't see that as snobby at all. To be able to give someone a wage, to be able to contribute to keeping a roof over their head and provide food etc isn't snobby at all in my eyes. I know quite a few families who have very poorly and disabled children, foster poorly and disabled children or have partners in the same position, and they hire people to do the dirty jobs so they have time to be with their loved ones when needed. The people they hire are grateful for the work, and they know this because they have become friends.

 

[Xpendable]

I don't see that as snobby at all. To be able to give someone a wage, to be able to contribute to keeping a roof over their head and provide food etc isn't snobby at all in my eyes.

That's not what I'm saying. It's all about the treatment you give to people. Where I work is full ungrateful, selfish people. People with no real problems so they have to make them up on the weekends to have something to complain about. They do it with the janitors, with the guards and even between them. So, snobs.

 

[Xpendable]

I won't change every profile picture or screensaver I got to one with my SO for everyone to see.