thinking of joining clubs, but...

[gyneco]

How exactly do you "meet people" by joining clubs? My understanding is that everyone in the club already knows each other, and I find introducing myself to them intimidating for that reason.

 

[LonelyDragon]

Well, in a lot of cases (like the car clubs I've belonged to) the person presiding over the meetings will intro you the first time you show up. Then a lot of times there's a "meet and greet" afterwards.

 

[gyneco]

Yes, so what exactly do you do at the "meet and greet" kind of things? Do you just randomly approach people and introduce yourself to them? What do you talk about, aside from the obvious? How do you excuse yourself without looking too rude? etc. etc.

 

[LonelyDragon]

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm really a "edge of the room" kind of person. So while I didn't meet a whole lot of people at first because I didn't feel comfortable walking up to them, there were a few who came to me and introduced themselves. Then it's just chit chat. Obviously mostly centered around the focus of the club, but like anywhere, the topics tend to roam a bit to life in general.

As far as how to excuse yourself. Hang out for as long as you feel comfortable and then just say you need to get going but that you'll see them at the next meeting. (if you feel it's "for you".) You don't have to give a detailed reason that you have to leave.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

it depends what kind of club. But most club should have
a sort of guidelines or structure.

I used to belong to an R/C club.
At first you'll meet the club's officers for dues and fees and what have ya.
It's non profit orginization..the fee is for insurance.
He just happened to be my flight instructor at first.
Then I was introduce to everyone in a meeting..so the rest of the club
members would know who I am.

Then graudaully as I took my toys and equipments out the flying
field...the rest of the club member started mingling with me.
We talk about our common interest...they were all willing to help
me. They gave tips and hints...bascailly share thier experince and
hope with me...bascailly flying and mastering an r/c models is not the easiest thing in the world.
Err... since I had some pretty cool models, people wanted to test fly them for me...lol

The club's main flying day is Sunday. It's actaully mild lay back flying. Most of us go just
to mingle and chit chat. Take tures flying and watching each other fly and crash...lmao

I got really into it..so my friends and I also go out and fly on satureday for more evasive manuver flying

Then we talk about aviation and flight theory ...very interesting.
We can talk and discuss it all day...lol

Then gradually I'll just hang out with certain people and get closer
to them ...They became my friends..becuase we'll start talking about
other stuff too. Then we'll invite each other to our homes to check out
our collection.. Get introduce to our family members...sometimes meet
thier friends and so on and so forth.

Then new members will join...so you meet more people like that too.

Then I'll find out stuff like...I was hitting on his duaghter in HS. lmao
Then I'll meet her again...then we'll start talking to each other
and so on and so forth.

 

[NeverMore]

Yes, you've got it basically, since you know that all of the people in the club have something in common with you, something you all like, that would make a good topic to talk about with them. Often times it comes to just walking up to a group that is talking and just listening and learning about them all and how the group functions, just nod your head and act interested and maybe try to slip a few comments in.

Even if you feel like you aren't making any friends or even acquaintances, don't give up, keep going back, the more effort you put in the more you eventually get back. It can be hard to crack into a tight knit group of people that already know each other but give it time and eventually things will be alright.

 

[grundel70]

Typically clubs revolve around a shared activity...like art, crafts, music, games, etc...

You use that shared activity to open up conversations. For example, if you join a bowling league by yourself (I have done this several times, good way to meet folks) you will be put on a team that needs a bowler. Then you bowl. You talk about bowling. Talk about your shot. Ask people for pointers. That opens up alot.

It can be intimidating to those that are shy or socially awkward. But just work up a little bit of courage and then just say something to someone! That is all it takes. Compliment someone. That always works well for me. You will find it isn't so scary after all.

Even if you are quiet eventually someone will say something to you. You just have to keep going!

 

[Brian]

I highly encourage you to go ahead with finding a club or activity group of some sort to join. This was the basis of me starting my social life when we moved; had I simply gone about a routine and just gone to work and come home every day, nothing really ever would have happened and I'd be quite a bit worse off. Stop thinking about it and just do it. If you need help finding something in your area, I suggest looking on www.meetup.com to see if anyone has formed a group using that site (there's several in my area..I've attended one)

Yes, so what exactly do you do at the "meet and greet" kind of things? Do you just randomly approach people and introduce yourself to them? What do you talk about, aside from the obvious? How do you excuse yourself without looking too rude? etc. etc.

If you aren't introduced (and even if you are, as lots of people just take a while to remember who someone is), you'll just have to find an appropriate time to say hello. But you'll probably be introduced. Keep a few 'about your self' facts ready for this occasion so you don't look like a deer in the headlights

Basically people tend to congregate in to groups. Pick one and stand with 'em. Laugh at jokes, appear interested, ask a question now and then. These are the ways to start. Gradually interject your own thoughts and comments. As others have said, you're there to share a common interest or work towards a common mission.

As you get more familiar with your new friends, more 'buddy buddy' and less 'new acquaintance', start talking about what's happened since you last spoke. Both to yourself and the world as a whole. The last conversation I had with one of my friends revolved around work, for instance, but then we discussed the auto bailout because it was on the TV.

This is how I started and it worked pretty well Trust me: If you just make yourself do it, as terrifying as it is, it will start to become more natural. My friends jokingly say from time to time: "Man, he used to be so quiet. Now we can't get him to shut up."

As for leaving, well, there's two approaches I tend to use. Either come up with an excuse (Up early for work, better start dinner, blah blah) or just outright say "Well, I best be heading out." It really helps to have a watch to look at to accompany this. Waiting for a pause in conversation is best. Or, wait for someone else to go home. Just one or two people. Then excuse yourself: "I think Ill head out too. Have a good night fellas...drive safe!" Always leave on a positive note like that; it will leave them with a good last impression of you and they'll be glad to see you the next time. Body language comes in here, too: Don't look mopish or sad. Smile as you step away, maybe wink. Nod affirmingly. We have one guy who's a very professional type and he's incredibly animated as he talks, especially his facial expression. It comes naturally to him but it's easy for someone to mimic. These sorts of people are naturally enjoyable to be around because they're so expressive in a good way, and when they leave, it doesn't seem like a negative or awkward event. That's the important part.

The alternative? Stay 'til everyone else is gone. I've done this at a couple of gatherings and it is typically the most time consuming unless I was planning on staying there longer anyway

 

[gyneco]

So... I went to the first meeting and it was basically just the officers telling us what's going to happen. The next meeting is going to take place at the restaurant, though, and then there will be Barbeque, Ice Cream Social, Casino Night, etc. etc. Not being one who goes out a lot (or at all, really), I have NO idea how these things work and what I'm supposed to do there, and I am freaking out enough to consider not joining the club after all. It doesn't help that I'm not the best conversationalist out there. I start all my sentences with "um," and I have a condition where I speak and someone has to ask "What?", which ruins the flow of the conversation and makes me feel like a party pooper. I'm almost convinced I'd have less trouble making friends if I didn't have this condition.

 

[Brian]

Ok gyneco, I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you you -have- to go.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Worst case scenario? You never see these people again. But, more likely, it will help you come out of your social shell and you will start to be able to improve yourself.

What sort of club is this? What is it's basis?

The way 'these things' work, in reference to the sorts of events you listed, is actually pretty basic (usually) once you see past the tension.

What will be going on at the restaurant? Answer me that and I can help you more.

But at an ice cream social or a barbeque, basically you just pile a plate with food, and find a place to sit while you eat. Talk to the people around you, or simply respond to what they're talking about. Just make sure you have a presence. You could comment on the food, you could just ask people whats up, or you could ask about something someone mentions.

You might not ought to just introduce your self right off the bat. Make sure you've said something, then follow it with "I'm ____, by the way." And shake hands or whatever. I find this is the smoothest introduction. Firm handshake, but not aggressive.

I must commend you, though. You've shown that you can, and want to take initiative, and lots of people don't even do that much. You're going in the right direction bud Keep it up.

You've also identified two issues you have. Before the next event, you need to mentally and (when you're alone) verbally practice responding to imaginary statements and making statements of your own without saying um. Just subtract the 'um' and say it. Then make yourself do it in front of people if you can.

What is your condition? Is it a set-in-stone deal or do you just need to practice speaking louder? My little sister used to talk really quiet and she would trail off and get quieter as she spoke. She was able 1to overcome it though (after some 'encouragement' by yours truly xD).

 

[gyneco]

Worst case scenario? You never see these people again.

This is a college club, and everyone there is the same major as I am (for the sake of this thread, let's say I'm a "history" major). I'm pretty sure I'm going to see them again. Soon. And everywhere I go. D:

What will be going on at the restaurant? Answer me that and I can help you more.

Um, I don't know? That's why I'm nervous about it in the first place. I'm guessing it'll be people sitting at a long table and talking while they're eating. I've never eaten at a restaurant. I wouldn't know what to order, how to pay, if I should hold the knife with my left or right hand, etc.

But at an ice cream social or a barbeque, basically you just pile a plate with food, and find a place to sit while you eat. Talk to the people around you, or simply respond to what they're talking about. Just make sure you have a presence. You could comment on the food, you could just ask people whats up, or you could ask about something someone mentions.

Yes, but am I supposed to join a group of people who are already good friends? I tried that once in high school. Didn't work.

You might not ought to just introduce your self right off the bat. Make sure you've said something, then follow it with "I'm ____, by the way." And shake hands or whatever. I find this is the smoothest introduction. Firm handshake, but not aggressive.

Shake hands even if we're too busy eating? (Or if we have greasy hands?)

What is your condition? Is it a set-in-stone deal or do you just need to practice speaking louder? My little sister used to talk really quiet and she would trail off and get quieter as she spoke. She was able 1to overcome it though (after some 'encouragement' by yours truly xD).

Yes, I think I have what your sister had. That, and how I don't really speaks English. People would look at me like they don't understand a word I'm saying. That kind of shuts me up and makes me wish I hadn't said a word.

I think I might try a meetup group first. Would you recommend hiking for someone who can barely walk 2 miles? I'm only afraid I'd be too busy catching my breath to start a conversation with anyone.

 

[LonelyDragon]

I wouldn't know what to order, how to pay, if I should hold the knife with my left or right hand, etc.

Don't worry about perfect etiquette. Just be courteous of the people around you. Don't talk with a mouthful or chew with it open. lol Seriously, just order what looks good to you and enjoy it. As far as how you pay, that depends on the restaurant. Some you pay at the table, others you take the check up to a register near the front. Just watch the others and do what they do.

And no, I wouldn't shake hands in those types of situations.

I think I might try a meetup group first. Would you recommend hiking for someone who can barely walk 2 miles? I'm only afraid I'd be too busy catching my breath to start a conversation with anyone.

Personally I wouldn't. Not only will you wind up feeling uncomfortable physically, but in as you'll feel out of place too. And it may not be the healthiest thing for you either if you're not used to it.

 

[Brian]

This is a college club, and everyone there is the same major as I am (for the sake of this thread, let's say I'm a "history" major). I'm pretty sure I'm going to see them again. Soon. And everywhere I go. D:

...Ooooh.
Ok, I guess that's a problem.


Um, I don't know? That's why I'm nervous about it in the first place. I'm guessing it'll be people sitting at a long table and talking while they're eating. I've never eaten at a restaurant. I wouldn't know what to order, how to pay, if I should hold the knife with my left or right hand, etc.

So this will be new for you. Hmmm. Well, basically you order what sounds good (unless it's a buffet, then just heap on what looks good), and after you're done the waitress/waiter will give you a tab. You can either leave the slip on the table with money when you leave, or take it to the register and pay in cash or your bank card. Remember a dollar or two for a tip


Yes, but am I supposed to join a group of people who are already good friends? I tried that once in high school. Didn't work.

Do they all already know each other? If they do, you'll just have to make the best of it. You can bust in to an existing group of friends...but to do it you have to make an impression. You want to make those people think, "Hey, wow. This guy's funny/pretty cool and comfortable to be around." I won't lie, this takes practice to do. I've personally only ever tried once or twice outside of some special situations. But I think the best place to start is to see how other people act, then sit in front of a mirror and see how you can improve.


Shake hands even if we're too busy eating? (Or if we have greasy hands?)

Ah, no I wouldn't shake hands while eating or with dirty hands. Bad etiquette. A handshake is supposed to be clean...even at work, we remove our glove before shaking with someone.

If you're eating, the proper time to introduce yourself is when you sit down. Try and get there on time to help with this. Usually in a restaurant get-together, people are sitting around a few separate tables. Find one, ask "Is this seat taken?", and if it isn't, have a seat. Acknowledge the action (like say "Cool" or something like that, just a response). Then say "I'm ____, by the way. How's it goin'?"

The best way to socialize while eating, I've found, is just to relax and let it flow. People understand you're eating and don't expect you to hurry up so you can talk. Speak in between bites. Keep looking at whoever you're with unless you're taking a bit or something and just do your best with body language to show you are paying attention and considering what they're saying. Speak as appropriate. They'll hopefully be curious about you enough to listen and take heed as you build your presence.


Yes, I think I have what your sister had. That, and how I don't really speaks English. People would look at me like they don't understand a word I'm saying. That kind of shuts me up and makes me wish I hadn't said a word.

Well, try not to trail off Talk to yourself when you're alone and pay attention to your speech patterns. This helped me a little bit to speak more confidently.

As for the language issue...if you're from a different country, have you considered some additional college classes to maybe help you? Otherwise, people tend to adopt regional accents when they spend enough time in the populace. I know I speak like an Idahoan now.

I think I might try a meetup group first. Would you recommend hiking for someone who can barely walk 2 miles? I'm only afraid I'd be too busy catching my breath to start a conversation with anyone.

I have never hiked in a big group myself actually so I can't speak as to conversations while doing so. But I would definitely recommend it because it's healthy, fun and challenging, and you will eventually build endurance. Find one with some easier hikes if you can. I would think there would be minimal conversation though, except during rest breaks.

Lemme put it this way. At my job we work on some pretty darn steep hill sides so we're in really good shape. But we still don't really talk when we're trekking up a mountain because even we're huffing and puffing enough to not talk. We'll make the occasional comment...like if the work we're approaching looks particularly miserable and difficult, we'll briefly verbalize our feelings on the matter. But we usually save the chit-chat for when we stop (and take a twenty minute break because we don't want to start the aforementioned crappy bit of work )

Gyneco, after thinking about my responses here I think you'd probably be better off trying a hiking group actually if you can go to one. Get evaluated by a physician first though, for real. Or at least get used to walking a mile or two first. You would probably find it easier to socialize with a central activity and it'd be more fun I imagine, plus hikers/outdoorsy types tend to be pretty friendly. Usually. It doesn't even matter if it's new to you; during rests you could talk about how you've never done it before and talk to the other hikers about how long they've been at it, etc. And that leads in to other topics.

Besides...it's healthy.

I hope you continue to pursue this. Keep posting if you still want more feedback and such! We're cheering for you, whatever you do.