Too Much Baggage

[bodeilla]

When I was in the hospital, I met this really cool lady. She was very friendly and nice to be around. Sure she had her down moments. I had mine. She was there for me. And I was there for her. But one day, she was beyond anything I could handle. I asked if she wanted me to get a nurse. She said yes. And then I let the nurse take over. It was beyond my capabilities.

Before I left I gave her my Facebook info. We are now FB friends and talk everyday. She is always depressed. I have my bad days too but I try to be positive. I share a little of the bad but not very much. She can't even remember what day it is or when I last talked to her. I keep hoping that her meds get straightened out and she gets happier. But she is always talking about how awful things are. It's always negative.

I ask myself, "What have I done?" I'm in no great shape to hold up a crashing person. She talks about being in crisis and I have to remind her to call a hotline if it gets bad. She's in mourning for 5 years. She goes on about that. I'm no therapist.

I keep on giving her encouragement and wishing her the best. And send good thoughts her way. I want her to do well. I also want a healthy relationship. Not one that's a drag. Is that wrong of me?

Any thoughts.

 

[Rocky66]

I don't think you are wrong, B. You don't need her mood to pull you down with her. Maybe you can continue to encourage her some while pursuing other relationships too?

 

[PlayingSolo]

Love the Diablo reference.

I'd say try to limit your contact with her. Not to the point of avoiding her completely, but it's probably not healthy for you to be talking with her all the time if it's constantly bringing your mood down. Hang in there bodellia.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Hey Bo,

The folks at the crisis lines have opportunities to "debrief" after a contact with someone like your new friend- they need that opportunity to step back and talk through the experience with a peer. You as a friend don't really get that opportunity so you end up carrying it with you. Your encouraging this troubled friend to call a crisis line is truly an act of you caring enough to ensure she can get things off her chest. Have you discussed "boundaries" with your friend- basically topics you're not prepared to get into with her. She must see a strength in you that allows her to feel free to lay her burdens on you, don't let it get taken advantage of.

Best of luck

Guy in BC

 

[bodeilla]

Boundaries? What's that? I've never been really good at setting boundaries. I was once in a similar situation with another lady who wanted to hang out all the time. I didn't want that. We saw each other occasionally and at group. But she kept pushing and pushing until I finally ended the friendship. She once told me over the phone that she was thinking about attempting and that really upset me because I didn't have her address to give to 911. All I could say was please reconsider. She calmed down eventually.

I want healthy friends. Is that too much to ask for? I'm getting ready to start a bi-polar group because my therapist and doctor think it's best for me. It gets me out of the house and helps me socialize. I don't think I'm going to make anymore new friends this way.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I live with someone that's kind of like that. I love her very much.
Sometimes it gets way way out of control and over board for me....
It effects our relationship and always been a thorn in it.
Ive suffered from PTSD from living with her. And I have plenty of coping skillls and healthy living tools.
Sometimes I'll simply get worn down. Its one of the main reasons we seaprated over and over again.

She can be a very loving , caring, fun, undstadning person....but when it gets bad, it gets really bad.
She's been on different meds. Its not all the answers for her. However it dose stablize her mood swings.
She's been in mental institutions. Suiecide attemps. A chornic slasher. She suffers from chornic depression.
Yes, sometimes when she runs with the negative stuff...she runs with it.
Sometimes if you throw in alcohol or drugs into the mix...she's like a BOX OF CHOCOLATE.

She's trying....

Why do i tolerate it? Why do i try or stick around over and over again?
I simply love her very much. she's also the mother of my child.

You might try reading some co-dependency literature.
You might also try reading on some recovery literature.
There's lots of informations and coping tools..


I cant fix her.
I didnt cuase her to have the DIS-EASE
I cant cure it.
I cant control her.

Ive also attented support groups most of my life.

I have to be on very solid ground with myself in order to live with her.
BE Every mentally, emotionally and spiritually centered or I'll loose myself.
My mental and emotions get drag all over the place sometime...but I must find my way back to center
I Love myself very much and I have to depend on myself or draw strength from God, HP..or whatever.
It donsnt matter to me...as lone as I come from a place of love. Positive thought and feelings.

Most of the time I just focus on that...LOVE. It's like being in the eyes of a hurrician sometimes.
Sometimes all I can do is pray. I love her bery much. She loves me too...
Im gratful for the love we have. I grateful for time and life we're getting to share together.
I just take it oneway at a time...sometime one breath at a time.

 

[Sci-Fi]

As a human being you can only take so much and give so much. There comes a point where you have to consider yourself and what it's doing to you.

 

[Walley]

it seems like every day that I come here, I read a post someone else has written that I almost could have written myself!

I too have a friend that suffers deep depressions and it's very rare for her to be in a "happy" mood.
I have tried everything humanly possible to support her, as best I can, but it never seems to improve much besides the odd short term lift. this has been going on for over a decade btw..
sometimes she even gets upset with me for seemingly not understanding her (even though she does her best to keep it all to herself)
I care for her deeply and she needs me in her life though.. so I will always continue to be there for her reguardless. I consider our relationship as unconditional.

that being said, sometimes we just tare each other apart =/
her issues trigger my issues and vice-versa. the way she acts when her mood drops completely conflicts with my moods and sometimes drives me insane. she seems to do the very things that bring me down, and my moods also trigger her mood swings sometimes.
we are quite a pair lol
we have even discussed this and talked about how we may be bad for each other in the past..
but
now this is a big but..
a long time ago we did have a major clash and went our seperate ways, and stayed apart for a couple of years.. and both of us could never move on or let go. we were both miserable and full of regrets.
we both independantly came to the conclusion that we needed each other and that our colliding issues may actually not be so bad, as long as we both understand each other and how to deal with the other persons traits.
it's a work in progress still, but when push comes to shove.. i never want to let her out of my life again. she's my best friend apart from my wife.

my point is I guess, that sometimes the selfish feelings that tell you a person may be bad for you, may make you over look the potential long term good that you may do for each other.
same thing as me coming to this forum and surrounding myself with others that suffer similar issues or traits. do we bring each other down? not for me.more the opposite. listening and attempting to help others with whatever knowledge I can share helps distract me from focusing on my own issues and eases the load. derails my thought process when i need it to.

 

[bodeilla]

I admire someone who can really stick in there through thick and thin. It's hard for because when I was 5 years old, my mother started dumping on me. She would tell me all her problems and cry on my shoulder. She told me about her marital problems and her physical abuse as a child. It was too much for a child to handle. Especially since I always had to cheer her up.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I dunno bodeilla, seems like you've been doing that to your own expense. I'd say you should really admire yourself with all that you've had to endure growing up. You're still here.

 

[bodeilla]

This FB friend just sent me a message from her car on her way to Utah that she wants to jump out of the car and kill herself. So she can be with her mom. She said I just need to vent. I don't need this suicidal crap coming from her all the time. I'm fed up with it. I'm about to defriend her.

I'm tired of comforting her. My emotional bank account has run dry with her. I have no more to give. This is just bullshit. I don't need this crap in my life. She's supposed to be going to Utah for fun. She needs to go back to the hospital and stay for a long time.

---

I sent her a reply and told her she could go to the hospital where trained professionals can help her. I told her I was not equipped to deal with suicidal threats. I said if she was that bad off, to call 911. I let her know that I have my own stuff to deal with and have given her all I can. Maybe I was cold, but it's a survival instinct right now that is kicking in for me. Because I can't deal with her crap anymore.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...I separated from Renae last Feb...for reasons. I was the person that broke up with her.
I didnt really want to get into explain myself to anyone on this forum nor I wanted to attack Renae.
Some people assumed i cheated on her or was mean to her and all that good honeysuckle....
She slit her arms and throat in fornt of me right before xmas. The hospital released her.
She got wrost....
For months that experince truamatized the living honeysuckle out of me.
Things went from bad to worst.

It was really a major heart break for me..But the pains and insanity of staying got greater
than the pains of leaving. It hurted either way. Yes, I felt empty. I hitted my bottom....
I had to let her go. Whatever her bottom is.

Even at this juncture in our relationship. This will be our 6th or 7th attemp.
Boundaries???? Ive drvien thousands upon thousands of miles to be with her.
Ive been back with her for 2 months....It hasnt been a cake walk.
Renae hasnt been phsically well either. I wish not to go into details of some of unhealthy
behaviors Renae have gotten into since I ve been with her.
She hasnt cutted herself since Ive been back...but she has newer scares from recent cuts....
So just me having to keep track of her when she gets up in the middle of the night isnt easy on me.


Heck even lastnight she got a bit argumentative and almost combative.
I dodge one lastnight....She took some of her meds and mellowed out.
She's been asleep most of the day today. And when she's been sweet and peaceful today.

Sometimes she dosnt take her meds at all...and she's fine or acts normal and healthy
as anyone...for 3-4 days. Then she gose into an episo....Like a flick of a switch sometimes.
She can be happy...nothing is wrongs...than just flip.

She also wanted to get off of her meds...She feels like she's a pill head.
The meds mellow her out...but she feels like she's a robot.

I dont have all the answers.
I know Reane loves me very much. I know she's trying. Im trying.

 

[Phaedron]

If you are going to continue dealing with her problems you might as well get to root of things. Suicide is no solution. I recommend you study the NDE research website which documents all the proof in the world that people don't remain dead in some pagan valhalla, but are reincarnated, so killing herself to be with her mother would be a complete waste. If she follows the Bible, thats even easier. I can indisputably prove reincarnation in the Bible taught by Jesus and elsewhere else, despite what every single church and priest has to say about it. The whole "convert or burn eternally" thing is a cornerstone of their tradition, thus no ordained person will be able to accept it, and on church boards you will be banned for even mentioning it even in the unorthodox sections, because they know it cannot be refuted. That will go a long way towards preventing suicide, and the study / meditations on karma may help to reveal other problems.

You should try to figure out what exactly she expects from you. I mean are you even expected to always offer up those kind words or whatever? If you allow her to type what she wants, and ignore the negative stuff, you show yourself a friend who is able to accept her in her condition, and send the message that you aren't the one that has the answers, which must be found within anyway. Putting focus on a need to "change", emphasizes the problem and can make it worse. Now you have the issue of having to "change" in order to have any friendships, but if you don't emphasize the need to change, maybe change will gradually come on its own.

Sometimes, the more you focus on the problem, the bigger it becomes, and the more you focus on other things, the more healing is accomplished.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I never thought of being depressed as having baggage.

I guess, though, coming from a person who copes with depression, you need to stop letting her bring you down. Every person with depression needs help, but if you can't be there for them, perhaps it's time to cut them loose?

 

[Walley]

I never thought of being depressed as having baggage.

I feel that is exactly what depression is.. baggage.
it's a heavy load for the person suffering depression, and a heavy load for those that care for people suffering from it.
I have a good friend that suffers from deep depression episodes, and it's like a major crushing weight on her shoulders all of the time. she even gets depressed just because she has depression.. it's an endless cycle. (and very much dependant on body chemistry and finding the right meds for you)
the hardest part for me is, that no matter how much it effects me having to deal with her issues or whether it brings me down or not, I can never show it or let her know it. being a burden on others is the last thing that she wants to be told.
but truly, even though at times it can feel like a burden, It's even more of a burden not having her in my life.
it's hard to explain, but caring for her and doing everything in my power to help or be there for her is also healing for me. makes me feel good. like the ol saying; it's better to give than recieve, it truly feels that way for me when I am able to (when she lets me) support her.
I do it all for the prosepct that some day, it will all have been worth while and I will have earned a great friendship. I look forward to the possibility that I may get to see that great person I know is inside her shine all of the time, rather than peek her head out once in a blue moon.
we will laugh and have fun, play games and talk all the time, she will be happy in her life and I will have comfort in knowing that.
someday...

 

[SophiaGrace]

I wish someone would write a book about how to deal with depression and yet keep friendships.

 

[Walley]

I truly believe that the key is to:
1) find the right friends that are caring and understanding
2) don't hide it from them. make sure they are aware of your issues and can recognize the signs to avoid misunderstandings.

beyond that.. who knows.
it's a constant struggle for everyone involved.

 

[bodeilla]

I've posted on a mental health forum about this person, and she falls into the category of an "emotional vampire." She's sucking the life force out of me.

There are friends that have problems that can treat you with respect and dignity, I agree. But she is not one of them. She is treating me as though I am a surrogate therapist. And I am not qualified.

I'm not all together emotionally equipped to hold up an unstable person. I can barely keep myself together. So no. I don't need a friend like this. Unless she respects the boundaries I set forth:

1. Don't constantly dump on me
2. Don't constantly make suicidal threats, call 911
3. Consider someone other than yourself

 

[Walley]

I can sympathize with that.
you can't support someone else at your own expense.
for me, the suicide threats would be the kicker. I am 200% against suicide and don't like to hear anyone talk about it or consider it.
I have lost 2 childhood friends to suicide and it's not something to take lightly. (neither of them ever uttered a word about contemplating it to anyone though, so I always question the seriousness of people that constantly threaten it.)

 

[SophiaGrace]

I don't understand why someone would constantly make suicide threats. They really must not care about the consequences of that is the only thing I can think of. They don't care, or have the social skills to know how damaging it'll be to the relationships around them. Because I'd imagine that kind of thing can damage relationships like nothing else.

Sometimes, when I feel bad, I vent about feeling bad because I feel like I can't deal with the extreme negative emotions myself. That it actually makes me feel better to tell someone else.

As you have noted though, this has a toll on the person who is told these emotions and concerns.

Depression is very isolating. You can see the isolating effects in this thread with people telling you not to talk to her anymore. That's what most people do. Walk away. They can't deal with it. The person who has these emotions can't deal with them either, clearly.

Its actually very sad when you think about it. Its like....a spiral down into what? The same black hole the person tries to get out of.

Humm how to break the cycle? Probably involves neural rewiring.

You're right though. You aren't her therapist. Do what you must to protect yourself.

It does make me very sad though to think people suffer like this. It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem right that there is such senseless emotional suffering in the world.