ManicPie
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- Oct 3, 2009
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So I've never had a boyfriend. Usually, when people say that sentence, they go onto say how badly they want one. However, this is where I differ. I just can't decide if I want a boyfriend. I feel almost terrified of it. It's weird, really. That openness, that vulnerablity ... It not only terrifies me, but it somehow seems wrong. And it really shouldn't be, I know that. Love is a totally natural and important thing. Everyone should find it if they want it. However, when I think about the idea of me and the guy I like, as a couple... It seems like it's wrong. I visualize a picture of him and me, doing normal couply stuff like going to movies, meeting parents, etc, I imagine it as horribly awkward and kinda painful. Not only that, but I think about what my parents and friends would think : "Aw, she has a boyfriend! Good for her! I hope they are happy." What is bizarre is, when I think about what they would think, I find it wrong, almost disgusting, repelling. The thing is, I'm not totally adverse to love. Of course I want it. The desire is there. It's just my head that seems to be repressing it, telling me it's wrong...
The other thing about having a boyfriend is eventually, it could lead to some form of sex or whatever after some time. Again, it's only natural. But again, I feel guilty, as if it's wrong. Sex seems wrong to me, almost dirty. Any kind of sexual arousal- whether with myself or with a partner - makes me feel enormous guilt. And so I don't, and can't imagine myself, doing it. I know that it's perfectly natural. And with the right person, it can be a beautiful experience. But I just feel so guilty about any kind of love, whether it's sexual or relationshippy.
The funny thing is, I wasn't raised in a household that discouraged love or sex. Not in the least. I was raised by a single parent, so I never had a dad around or the experience of seeing two married people in love - but plenty of people in a single-parent household carry on perfectly normal, guilt free relationships. So it doesn't make sense that I would be so repressive.
The result of all this repression is, as expected, a nonexistent love life of any kind. I like a guy, but feel guilty about it. I smile at him and say hi in the hallways at school, but can't take it any farther than that,because I feel guilty about trying to create a relationship. This baffles and, frankly, scares me. I mean, I don't have dirty dreams (thank god), or even dreams about this guy, because of my weird love-guilt-repression.
Does anyone else experience this? Where do you think it might be rooted? Is it something that every teenage girl has to get through? I just don't know anymore. If this continues, I bet I will just keep digging myself deeper and deeper until I am incapable of even talking to the opposite sex. I am afraid, and I feel so incredibly guilty and wrong. What do you think?
The other thing about having a boyfriend is eventually, it could lead to some form of sex or whatever after some time. Again, it's only natural. But again, I feel guilty, as if it's wrong. Sex seems wrong to me, almost dirty. Any kind of sexual arousal- whether with myself or with a partner - makes me feel enormous guilt. And so I don't, and can't imagine myself, doing it. I know that it's perfectly natural. And with the right person, it can be a beautiful experience. But I just feel so guilty about any kind of love, whether it's sexual or relationshippy.
The funny thing is, I wasn't raised in a household that discouraged love or sex. Not in the least. I was raised by a single parent, so I never had a dad around or the experience of seeing two married people in love - but plenty of people in a single-parent household carry on perfectly normal, guilt free relationships. So it doesn't make sense that I would be so repressive.
The result of all this repression is, as expected, a nonexistent love life of any kind. I like a guy, but feel guilty about it. I smile at him and say hi in the hallways at school, but can't take it any farther than that,because I feel guilty about trying to create a relationship. This baffles and, frankly, scares me. I mean, I don't have dirty dreams (thank god), or even dreams about this guy, because of my weird love-guilt-repression.
Does anyone else experience this? Where do you think it might be rooted? Is it something that every teenage girl has to get through? I just don't know anymore. If this continues, I bet I will just keep digging myself deeper and deeper until I am incapable of even talking to the opposite sex. I am afraid, and I feel so incredibly guilty and wrong. What do you think?