True Story..

[Arianna]

I thought it might be fun to talk about funny jokes and stories.
Now - what you're about to read is a true story.
I swear..
No..I am not crossing my fingers..
or my toes..
Really this happened!!
Honest Injun!



One day my cousin decided to travel out of state to visit me.
We were always very close and love going shopping together. So we decide one morning to check out the sales at the nearest mall.
As usual..Cathy drove.
And although she is generally a good driver - she does have sort of a heavy foot when it comes to the gas pedal. So - unknown to her - I spend a good deal of my time checking the security of my seat belt
as I sit strapped to her Bronco - while she races down the highway.

And then it happened..

A very pretty - very blue flashing light popped up behind the bumper of her car. She gave me a suprised look and pulled over onto the right shoulder - as passing cars continue to whiz by.
"I can't beleive this." she mumbled.
"Me either." I mumbled back - yet secretly thanking GOD for small miracles.
We then turned our attention to the approaching figure.
He was a tall - no nonsense looking - well pressed uniform - complete with dark sun glasses.
As he approached the car - Cathy rolled down her window to offer the policeman her license. Without a word - he took her license to study the information.
Then she started.
"Officer! I wasn't going that much over the speed limit. Just look at all these cars..they're going much faster than me!!
The policeman completely ignored her and began writing out her ticket.
She got louder.
"Officer! This is SO unfair..don't you see all these people breaking the law? They were passing me like I was standing still!
The policeman continued to ignore her. And by now - I am getting nervous.
"Driving on these highways - she said defiantly - is just like the Indianopolis 500. Why did you stop me? Look at all of them speeding by - why dont you give them all a ticket?
At this point the policeman bent down - leaned into the open window and smiled.
"Because m'am" - he said - THIS IS North Carolina - not Indianoplis.
And in this state - it's more like fishin' -
you jus' can't catch 'um all!"

 

[Arianna]

A renown nutritionist was holding a health forum in town. He directed the audience as he spoke.

"And here we have a few examples of the worst kinds of foods you can eat. Take cheese french fries for instance..they're loaded with fat and calories..and play havoc with your digestive system."

"However" he added,"There exists one particular type of food worse than this. A food type so detrimental that it affects not only your physical well being..but it can also harm your mental state for years after it is eaten. He paused for a moment to ask a question,

"Can anyone in the audience tell me what type of food I am talking about?"


A little old man at the back of the auditorium shyly raises his hand and answered.


Wedding cake???

 

[Arianna]

Men On The Phone

My brother Jake talking on the phone,,,I swear it went something like this.


Jake: Hey!

Jake: No..

Jake: Yeah

Jake: Huh?

Jake: Right!!

Pause:

Jake: Her??

Jake: Nope

Jake: Sure

Jake: When?

Jake: Man!!!

Pause:

Laughs:

Jake: Groan!

Jake: Funny!

Jake: Huh?

Jake: Way!

Jake: So?

Jake: ****!

Jake: Who?

Pause:

Jake: Never..

Jake: No!

Jake: Freak!

Jake: F..r..e..a..k!!

Pause:

Laughs:

Laughs again:

Jake: Crap!

Jake: OK..

Jake: Today..

Jake: Later..

This went on for twenty or so minutes. At the end I had to ask.

"Jake who was that?"


Jake: Nobody!!

 

[Arianna]

I think just about everybody has stories to tell about eccentric family members. This story was taken from my diary. Something that I wrote a long time ago and had forgotten about until today. Because today - as I was busy cleaning out some old boxes - I found my journal that I kept when I was nine years old. You can laugh at it if you find it funny - or you can just laugh at me for having the nerve to repeat it. But my hope
is - someone might even relate to it..in some odd way.

Tweety..Aunt Minerva And Me


It's July and the summer heat is really on. BobbyRay and his stupid friends were mean to me again. Said if it wasn't for my kneecaps I'd slip right through the holes in a manhold cover.
OK..so I don't look like my girlfriends - they already have 'them'. But momma said good things are worth waiting for. And I am waiting. And waiting - AND WAITING - for God to do something about it in his own time. Cause no matter how much I try - I can't seem to make God to work any faster at this. But I sure wish he would hurry up - cause the lady at the store where I buy my bras keeps looking at me
funny like.
Oh well..anyway journal..today was a strange one. Those wild boys in aunt Minervas neighborhood brought her a tiny black baby crow. Newly hatched I think. Poor aunt Minerva keeps calling it a 'chick' - like chicken. Momma said children should never contradict adults so I kept
my big mouth shut and just kept looking at my knees and thinking of BobbyRay. Aunt Minerva's eyes ain't too good anymore and I don't think those glasses she never wears is helping her very much.

Few Days Later..

Journal today is very boring. I've got to watch Tweety aunt Minerva's chicken! Some chicken! Black as coal - flys around the house poopin and no eggs! Poor Aunt Minerva - I think she's been alone too long. She talks about that stupid bird like it was a chicken. She says, "You just wait Arianna, little Tweety's going to lay some splendid eggs someday. And then I am going to make you the best omelet ever!"

Momma tells me to be respectful. But how can I? When I am the one having to clean up after the stupid thing. Wish aunt Minerva wasn't so old - 101 and still kickin. Daddy says aunt Minervas gonna have to live another 101 years before she ever sees Tweety lay anything else but that chicken poop! The end.

 

[Presence]

Arianna you were a very interesting child.

 

[Arianna]

Arianna you were a very interesting child.

I'd love to know what you meant by that..but maybe I shouldn't ask.

 

[Arianna]

Awesome story about Aunt Minerva.

That line about the manhole cover had me in tears. Hilarious. I am sorry.

Oh that's alright. I am glad it made someone laugh. When I read my old diary again I thought to myself..who was that girl?

 

[mimizu]

You had some supreme literary skills for a 9 year old. :-o