Trying "too hard".

[Aztorak]

Good evening friends. I have a question that perhaps you all could help me with.

Although I've never been accused of trying "too hard" when it comes to acquiring and keeping a romantic relationship, I am intrigued at the concept.

That being said, my question is: Why would trying hard to impress a woman deter her from him? It seems as though by evolutionary standard that women would be supremely attracted to a man who longs to make her feel loved and protected. I understand that in some extreme cases that this behavior could seem abnormal and thus would be cause of rejection...

Would the issue in these cases in fact be just a baseline error in compatibility? Or is attempting to make a woman feel wanted an actual deterrent?

-Aztorak (Aaron)

 

[TheRealCallie]

It really depends on what you are doing to try to win her over. If you are trying too hard and going at her too fast, it can come across as creepy or even desperate, which would be a deterrent to me, and I think to a lot of women.

I mean, don't go so slow that you end up getting friendzoned, but don't come at with TOO hard. Find a middle ground between the two and if she seems to be backing off or hesitant, dial it down.

 

[Tiina63]

I think that trying too hard can be a problem both because-as the Real Callie has said-it can come across as desperate and also because it makes it almost impossible to be yourself when meeting someone. I know that I have tried so many times to not be me on dates because I think that I am not good enough the way I am, but it is very tiring and stressful doing this.
Making a woman feel wanted can, at the right time in a relationship, be the right thing to do. But if it happens straightaway it feels pressurising because it takes time to get to know someone and moving too fast at the beginning can push women away.

 

[StormChild]

I've been accused of trying too hard in a relationship that was in its death-throes. In that case the guy just wanted to give up and let go.

In my opinion, unless the interest is exaggerated into the realms of stalking, "trying too hard" is only said about somebody the person isn't interested in.

 

[Despicable Me]

I think by "trying to hard" most people just mean things like using cheesy pick-up lines, being overly romantic (which everyone knows will never last forever, or is just to get into someone's pants), or pretending (or forcing yourself) to be interested in the things they say rather than being genuinely interested in them. For the romantic thing, you need to know how to balance it between realistic and just going overboard. For example, bringing her flowers on your first date is romantic. Running to open every door for her even if it means running across the room is pitifully desperate. There's a balance you should aim for.

Basically, doing all of the old cliches rather than just being a 'real person'. You should always try to be a real person and just be yourself. If you're not being yourself than you're trying too hard.

 

[there is no hope]

I've found it doesn't matter how hard you try, success or failure is largely based on preconceived notions people have about each other. It's amazing how far people will bend to justify their first impressions or gut instincts about a person. That applies to mating especially, but all social interactions are affected.

I've tried being the real me. It doesn't work very well at all.

There are a lot of reasons why the mating game with women is basically a lost cause for the majority of men, but it's far too gruesome and would probably lead to a ban if I spoke too freely.

 

[Despicable Me]

I've found it doesn't matter how hard you try, success or failure is largely based on preconceived notions people have about each other. It's amazing how far people will bend to justify their first impressions or gut instincts about a person. That applies to mating especially, but all social interactions are affected.

I've tried being the real me. It doesn't work very well at all.

There are a lot of reasons why the mating game with women is basically a lost cause for the majority of men, but it's far too gruesome and would probably lead to a ban if I spoke too freely.

You refer to finding a significant other as "mating". I've found the way people phrase things often indicates how they view something, which in this case it implies you don't really hold love-relationships in high regard. You're verbally diminishing them into nothing but a purely materialistic or animalistic relationship.

I agree that 'first impressions' and preconceived notions are very meaningful to a lot of relationships and every kind of relationship, but they are obviously not everything. People will indeed 'bend' as you suggest, for some of these reasons, but most people certainly won't break on them. Real relationships usually only last due to getting passed those preconceived ideas and first impressions, down to the real person, and still enjoying what they find. It is the same reason why you can date a hundred people and still not find 'the one' who you want to spend your life with.

I'll add that it does indeed matter how hard you try. Since 'trying' is part of both the first impressions and everything that comes afterward. So if you're not 'trying' in a relationship, and essentially giving up before it even starts, then you're not ever going to have any meaningful relationships. Real relationships are a give-and-take, if you're not giving then you're just exploiting. And if you're only giving and not receiving then you're just being exploited. If there is not a balance there the relationship won't last. So this is why you must 'try'.
This would also mean that 'trying too hard' means giving too much, an unreasonable amount that is basically unsustainable and not reasonably reciprocal.

And sometimes the 'real you' doesn't appeal to some people. That's why you keep trying and keep looking. Not every pair is going to work together, obviously.
But I'll also note that there are major differences between being the 'real you' and being someone who you think you are. If you don't know yourself very well you're going to fail at trying to be 'real' most of the time. A lot of people seem to do this a lot, mostly due to low self-esteem issues but many often do it due to arrogance, as well. So it's important that someone know themselves if they want to be 'real' for someone else.

Personally I think this is why a lot of marriages and long-term relationships end, too. Someone ends up 'finding themselves' and it ends up not being who they have tried to be for so long. The result is an incompatible relationship.

But, hey, that's just my opinion, I guess. And it's up to you to determine how much of it applies to you, if any.