Unemotional partner

[Staccato]

I'm in tears. Following an argument as usual. He simply does not understand me and doesn't even try. Pregnancy and hormones and post natal hormones are such real things that women have to deal with but he rolls his eyes whenever the word 'hormones' is mentioned. It's really demeaning and he doesn't care to find out how to deal with me when I'm like this.
I really wish I had someone to talk to who would sympathise and give me a hug and tell me things are gonna be alright and I shouldn't worry so much.
I get it that some men have trouble dealing with women and our intricacies but does that mean they shouldn't at least try?

 

[Aihpames]

I don't think this is an issue that affects just men - plenty of women are emotionally shut off from their partners, too (although not really in cases of understanding their partners pregnancy ).

I'm probably not the best person to take advice from, as honestly, I probably fall into the same camp as your other half... But, try and talk to him about his emotions first. See if you can get him to open up, and hopefully, he'll then be more receptive to yours. If you can't see a future being in a relationship with someone with the outwards emotion of a house brick, then tell him, and see what he does.

If you need someone to talk to about certain things a man couldn't understand, there's plenty of friendly women around here that will surely lend an ear. If you just want someone to tell your troubles to, you can drop me a PM, and I'll do my best to put a smile on your face

 

[9006]

Sorry to hear that.

I don't think he quite understands your situation, clearly. That makes him slightly selfish, he needs to see things from your perspective instead of his own. Either that or he's not mature enough to understand these things.

Hope things work out.

 

[Staccato]

Thank you Aihpames, it's comforting knowing that you're willing to listen. Your comment between brackets made me smile lol.

9006, think you've kinda summed it up.

He is not the type of guy who will suddenly realise he's messing up. Talking to him only results in him thinking I'm trying to change him. And yeah, he believes he's always right. So... having a conversation with him is the most frustrating thing ever, and these days ends in tears, mine of course, cos I can't handle the stress and I just want someone to treat me nicely.

I take care of the baby all day. All I want, is for someone to value my opinions and make me feel good about mysel.

 

[Lippy_Kid]

It’s hard to pass judgement on any relationship based no what you hear on a thread because a relationship is a complicated thing which can't be summed up in 150 words, maybe not with all the words in the world; You can only understand it by living through it. No one else will have a better understanding of your situation than yourself and even then your perspective is only one half of how things really are. So people saying he is probably selfish and in the wrong I don't think really helps, it just serves to cement your opinion against him, which is what often people are looking for, "Tell me I'm in the right and he/she's in the wrong here". It’s not fair on your partner for people to make a judgement like that on something as emotive as a strained relationship based on the other person’s brief point of view.

If two people were unhappy and both wrote a thread about it on separate boards, sure thing both would portray the other person as the cause of the problem and probably invoke a response of sympathy and agreement that the other party was in the wrong. So that’s a bit self serving and pointless on both counts.

You say you take care of the baby all day and in there is maybe the heart of the issue; by the time you see each other you are tired and stressed, and maybe he is too after work. It’s never a good time to broach a subject. If you want to relate to each other better you have to pick your moment, not off the back of an argument, which unfortunately is what we all do...something is said and then it all comes out and probably not as you really wanted it to. So find a time when you are both feeling a bit less jaded and stressed and just talk around it, don’t dive straight in, make a few concessions on your own part show him you're not out to point score and try and talk things through at the right time, about what you need from him when you are feeling down and listen to his side too. By saying "I know sometimes I can be weepy and a bit full on" for instance will break down a lot more barriers on his side than saying "I feel you don't understand me or you don’t care". Take it from me as a typical stubborn man that will only make him put the barriers up, but by admitting your own weaknesses, it tends to help a man find his more caring side and jump to your defence and look at his own failings. It shouldn’t be like that but that’s just the way peoples minds work I think, no one likes to feel they are in the dock having to defend themselves but I don’t doubt he’ll defend you to the hilt.

And really just work at it, there’s no easy solution as it’s a hard and stressful time for you both, it will inevitably put a strain on your relationship and a few arguments are maybe inevitable. Things will improve but in the meantime you both need to accept each other is tired and help each other along. Just pick the right time to work things through.

 

[9006]

I can imagine that being very frustrating, stubbornness, selfishness and paranoia sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I can see it's gonna be hard for you to get through to him, unfortunately I don't know him well enough to be able to see how. And with you saying He is not the type of guy who will suddenly realise he's messing up tells me he need to realize it himself, weather that's possible or not I don't know.

If you ever wanna talk about it I don't mind.

Sorry I got no helpful advice. ):

He is not the type of guy who will suddenly realise he's messing up. Talking to him only results in him thinking I'm trying to change him. And yeah, he believes he's always right. So... having a conversation with him is the most frustrating thing ever, and these days ends in tears, mine of course, cos I can't handle the stress and I just want someone to treat me nicely.

I take care of the baby all day. All I want, is for someone to value my opinions and make me feel good about mysel.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm in tears. Following an argument as usual. He simply does not understand me and doesn't even try. Pregnancy and hormones and post natal hormones are such real things that women have to deal with but he rolls his eyes whenever the word 'hormones' is mentioned. It's really demeaning and he doesn't care to find out how to deal with me when I'm like this.
I really wish I had someone to talk to who would sympathise and give me a hug and tell me things are gonna be alright and I shouldn't worry so much.
I get it that some men have trouble dealing with women and our intricacies but does that mean they shouldn't at least try?

*hugs* Staccato.

I think sometimes it's difficult for men to understand women and what we go through.. just as how we find it hard to understand the way men are sometimes.

Communication is really important. Perhaps if he gets upset with your emotions... maybe try talking to him nicely.. and not mention about the hormones. Yes.. it is there.. but if he can see that you are trying to be reasonable despite all that you're carrying, he might be considerate and do the same. Not saying that it's right the way he's reacting.. but I learned that we can't change people.. but we can work around it to get them to behave a certain better way.

Hope this will get better for you soon. Please hang in there, keep strong, my PM inbox is always open if you ever wanna have some girl talk. *hugs*

 

[Staccato]

You guys are amazing :')
I've read through your replies and have lots to say but gotta feed bub and put her to sleep. So will reply tomorrow.
In the mean time, just wanna thank you guys for taking the time to read my issue and respond.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

WHAT. He *rolls* his eyes at you? That's just so friggin rude. Does he make you feel like he has to "deal with you" (you say variations on "deal" 2x). I wonder if he's jealous, and that's why he's pulling the childish tantrums/abuse on you (always being right, dismissing, stonewalling, withholding of nurturing emotions).

 

[Shipster0958]

I know exactly what you're going through. I have a little 5 week old princess of my own, and have had my share of hormones and dim-witted comments from the hubby. Feel free to message me anytime. Support is the best thing for these situations.

 

[Edward W]

Men can be dumb and seem insensitive, we don't always mean it though.

I have to agree with comments above, tell him clearly you need his support right now, if he's a decent guy he should realise he's not been doing that.

Hopefully he'll get some flowers and chocolates to say sorry. That's us saying 'We're dumb, but we love you, forgive us?'

 

[Staccato]

@ Lippy_kid: it's hard seeing things from his point of view when i feel misunderstood and in need of emotional support. i get what you're trying say and it sure is some serious food for my thoughts. but in the heat of the moment, all is forgotten and my feelings of hopelessness and sadness take over completely.
i'm with him, so obviously, there are things about him i love, and in the past, the 'annoying' things were easy to overlook coz i had so much going for me. but now that i'm stuck at home and he's my only adult interaction, every little thing becomes insurmountable. or so it seems.
thanks for trying to give me much needed perspective on the matter.
i should work on my communication skills with him but having been through so much (and i don't only mean childbirth), i feel he's the one who should be making the effort.

9006: thanks for listening that's all i need sometimes, a friendly ear

ladyforsaken: thank you for the much needed hugs! <3 yeah, i need to somehow suppress the word 'hormones' from my mind. complete male shut down. lol. well, with my partner anyway.

Sarah_Lbnz: you speak to that part of me that gets really, really mad at him for being the way he is. argh, so annoying. that being said, i always knew he was this way, just thought he might grow out of it eventually. 3 years and a baby down the line, i think it's time i stop expecting an improvement in that part of his personality.

Shipster0958: congratulations you yummy mummy! well done to you mine's almost 4 months old now. is this your first child? if yes, then please don't hesitate to get in touch if you need advice with anything. but if this isn't your first, then maybe i'll be PM'ing you! lol

Edward W: is it possible that sometimes, a guy doesn't even realise WHAT he's doing wrong? and when the chick points it out ... it still doesn't make any sense AT ALL?!

 

[Gutted]

It's a tough one really. It's like men saying women should understand that after sex, a man just wants to sleep. Not have a chat or snuggle. Its not a guy being rude or selfish, it's.. biological. But I can guarantee there have been millions of complaints from women because men have done that. Some people just can't understand. No matter how well you put it to them. You might be better off just being quiet about these feelings to the guy.

 

[Staccato]

I'm not too sure that would work. If I'm unhappy and end up pretending, I might as well pack my bags and leave.