I've been feeling quite down recently, and I have been keeping it from others (like I usually do...) to the best of my ability.
I'm a bit worried that I do have depression. But I don't want to go see some person who doesn't really give a **** about me as a person, and gets paid to "deal with people like me". I've already dealt with one before, and not by choice either. One session, and she was a right out ***** to me telling me that if I "took better care of myself, MAYBE I would ACTUALLY have some friends rather than causing issues at home".
I find it hard to bring it up to my spouse, not because I don't want to talk about things with him, it's because I have never been good with putting it into words, and leaving a letter or text only causes me to rethink sending/leaving it, or causes me to fret. It used to be easy (before we dated, and the beginning of our relationship) to tell him anything.
I cannot talk to my family because they are naturally judgemental and "secrets" tend to be "now everyone knows, 'oops'". Only family member I could talk to without fear of hate, judgement, or everyone knowing... Passed away before she was even 30.
I don't have friends in my area, as most moved away or those I once considered friends I realized to be people I wanted nothing to do with.
_____________________
Because of previous relationships where I was cheated on, and especially the previous one where I was literally left standing outside a family member's home (who was not even home), and without family that night, my phone died, and not even an ounce of remorse from the one who stranded me from home...
Since then I have had the unwanted fear of abandonment/being used. I don't want to feel this way, I hate it, and I don't want to drag down yet another relationship with the crap they have to put up with.
___________________
Because I have moved 6 times in the last year, I lost everything that practically kept me sane. Routine did not exist... My hobby had to be given away because of being shuffled to different places to live... I had to give up everything that mattered to me.
It doesn't help that I cannot handle stress... Or emotions for that matter. I was never taught to. I grew up with "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" along with "I don't want to hear it" sided with "Stop your bitching, no one cares!" statements. I ended up learning the unhealthy "bottle it up" behavior, which is very hard to reverse.
Because of this, I explode in small angry bouts... I don't mean to. I don't want to. It just... Happens. And because of this, and my inability to talk about things I caused the one person I cared about SO much... To leave me standing at the doorstep of a relative's house... Who wasn't home. No one was home. No one was in town. That same day while at work, I was so distracted with how STUPID I had been, that I wrote the longest letter describing all my fears, explaining everything... Telling him how much I needed him to help me. I couldn't do it alone. As I sat in his car, after he told me he moved out while I was at work... He wouldn't hear anything of it. Didn't want to read it, or hear me say it. It was too late.
I don't really remember that night. Except that... No one can claim they have felt true emptiness; true loneliness. You cannot feel the true cold empty feeling of loneliness until you have lost what made you complete.
_____________________________________
So I moved. three times. A feeling of... "All well. Who cares? Nothing is getting better, and it sure as Hell cannot get worse!" stayed with me.
At this point I did not WANT to be in "yet another relationship where it will just end the same way". I had already learned from the previous relationship that I did tend to say no a lot... so when he offered to hang out, and have a few drinks, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and said yes (and surprised him with that!).
He brought up the fact he could read me like a book. I never had someone like that. Never met someone like that. He pointed out that though I "behaved" relaxed, this was a cover for the fact I was tense, unsure, and uncomfortable. He noticed this moreso when he would sit next to me. He noticed how... I push people away, and that I built myself walls so I wouldn't have to let anyone in.
I visited him a couple days in a row...
Hearing him explain to me, that he knew this... And when he told me, "I can see you were hurt before - wait, you lost someone you loved a lot?" At this point, he must have already figured out what to say to take down those walls, and he constantly pushed my comfort zone, to show he was not going to hurt me.
I ended up spending a night with him... For some reason, I couldn't hold back my sudden fear... And I started to cry. It wasn't because of him - it was because I was afraid. Afraid of something starting, and being so used to the norm... I feared if it started, it would end. Like it always does...
He left the choice up to me, what would happen next. My brother did influence it a bit... He saw how unsure I was, but he also noticed how intent HE was, on making sure things worked out and that I was not being pressured. He also pointed out, that he could tell he was a good guy. He mentioned how my previous boyfriend... He was a "good guy" but... Only as a friend. He saw a lot more in him...
____________________________________________________
But I still have fears. Even more now... I'm pregnant, due in January... and so SO worried that now I am bringing a kid into a potentially broken home if honeysuckle goes downhill. I'd love to stay with him, for good. I want my kid to have a good home, with BOTH parents...
And it's just my previous fears that are causing this one. Being used to cheaters... And having been literally abandoned before... I'm scared of it. I feel paranoid, and I don't have a "backup plan". I know where he is, what he does... I don't NEED to feel this way and I do...
I've realized recently I have been having the stupid little "anger spews", so I have been paying a lot more attention to how I feel, and how I react (and it is NOT easy!). I've been making myself more comfortable with saying "I love you". The reason I have not said it to him very much is not because I don't want to... It's because I'm used to what HAS happened with other relationships, and the fear that those three words just fall on deaf ears...
I just really don't want to feel overwhelmed anymore... We settled down in a home we OWN, so I know I can rebuild a routine (once I get into it)... I still feel stressed, and worried.
I'm a bit worried that I do have depression. But I don't want to go see some person who doesn't really give a **** about me as a person, and gets paid to "deal with people like me". I've already dealt with one before, and not by choice either. One session, and she was a right out ***** to me telling me that if I "took better care of myself, MAYBE I would ACTUALLY have some friends rather than causing issues at home".
I find it hard to bring it up to my spouse, not because I don't want to talk about things with him, it's because I have never been good with putting it into words, and leaving a letter or text only causes me to rethink sending/leaving it, or causes me to fret. It used to be easy (before we dated, and the beginning of our relationship) to tell him anything.
I cannot talk to my family because they are naturally judgemental and "secrets" tend to be "now everyone knows, 'oops'". Only family member I could talk to without fear of hate, judgement, or everyone knowing... Passed away before she was even 30.
I don't have friends in my area, as most moved away or those I once considered friends I realized to be people I wanted nothing to do with.
_____________________
Because of previous relationships where I was cheated on, and especially the previous one where I was literally left standing outside a family member's home (who was not even home), and without family that night, my phone died, and not even an ounce of remorse from the one who stranded me from home...
Since then I have had the unwanted fear of abandonment/being used. I don't want to feel this way, I hate it, and I don't want to drag down yet another relationship with the crap they have to put up with.
___________________
Because I have moved 6 times in the last year, I lost everything that practically kept me sane. Routine did not exist... My hobby had to be given away because of being shuffled to different places to live... I had to give up everything that mattered to me.
It doesn't help that I cannot handle stress... Or emotions for that matter. I was never taught to. I grew up with "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" along with "I don't want to hear it" sided with "Stop your bitching, no one cares!" statements. I ended up learning the unhealthy "bottle it up" behavior, which is very hard to reverse.
Because of this, I explode in small angry bouts... I don't mean to. I don't want to. It just... Happens. And because of this, and my inability to talk about things I caused the one person I cared about SO much... To leave me standing at the doorstep of a relative's house... Who wasn't home. No one was home. No one was in town. That same day while at work, I was so distracted with how STUPID I had been, that I wrote the longest letter describing all my fears, explaining everything... Telling him how much I needed him to help me. I couldn't do it alone. As I sat in his car, after he told me he moved out while I was at work... He wouldn't hear anything of it. Didn't want to read it, or hear me say it. It was too late.
I don't really remember that night. Except that... No one can claim they have felt true emptiness; true loneliness. You cannot feel the true cold empty feeling of loneliness until you have lost what made you complete.
_____________________________________
So I moved. three times. A feeling of... "All well. Who cares? Nothing is getting better, and it sure as Hell cannot get worse!" stayed with me.
At this point I did not WANT to be in "yet another relationship where it will just end the same way". I had already learned from the previous relationship that I did tend to say no a lot... so when he offered to hang out, and have a few drinks, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and said yes (and surprised him with that!).
He brought up the fact he could read me like a book. I never had someone like that. Never met someone like that. He pointed out that though I "behaved" relaxed, this was a cover for the fact I was tense, unsure, and uncomfortable. He noticed this moreso when he would sit next to me. He noticed how... I push people away, and that I built myself walls so I wouldn't have to let anyone in.
I visited him a couple days in a row...
Hearing him explain to me, that he knew this... And when he told me, "I can see you were hurt before - wait, you lost someone you loved a lot?" At this point, he must have already figured out what to say to take down those walls, and he constantly pushed my comfort zone, to show he was not going to hurt me.
I ended up spending a night with him... For some reason, I couldn't hold back my sudden fear... And I started to cry. It wasn't because of him - it was because I was afraid. Afraid of something starting, and being so used to the norm... I feared if it started, it would end. Like it always does...
He left the choice up to me, what would happen next. My brother did influence it a bit... He saw how unsure I was, but he also noticed how intent HE was, on making sure things worked out and that I was not being pressured. He also pointed out, that he could tell he was a good guy. He mentioned how my previous boyfriend... He was a "good guy" but... Only as a friend. He saw a lot more in him...
____________________________________________________
But I still have fears. Even more now... I'm pregnant, due in January... and so SO worried that now I am bringing a kid into a potentially broken home if honeysuckle goes downhill. I'd love to stay with him, for good. I want my kid to have a good home, with BOTH parents...
And it's just my previous fears that are causing this one. Being used to cheaters... And having been literally abandoned before... I'm scared of it. I feel paranoid, and I don't have a "backup plan". I know where he is, what he does... I don't NEED to feel this way and I do...
I've realized recently I have been having the stupid little "anger spews", so I have been paying a lot more attention to how I feel, and how I react (and it is NOT easy!). I've been making myself more comfortable with saying "I love you". The reason I have not said it to him very much is not because I don't want to... It's because I'm used to what HAS happened with other relationships, and the fear that those three words just fall on deaf ears...
I just really don't want to feel overwhelmed anymore... We settled down in a home we OWN, so I know I can rebuild a routine (once I get into it)... I still feel stressed, and worried.