A new life said:
Thank you for your reply A new life. Your words are just. Over the past 2 months I can relate to all that you said, usine me personal experiences and for your advice I will reply with this one recent event.
I had my 20th birthday 2 days ago, I believed (weeks ago) I was going to be alone in my room at university, my housemates were going to stay at home for another couple of weeks and my home friends wouldn't come up or would be at there universities. I no longer cared and was doing trying. I was wrong.
My two best friends from home decided to supprise me and come up, my housemates came back BECAUSE it was my birthday and I wonderful kind hearted girl that helps me alot came too. For the first time in my life I cried because I was happy. These 5 people accept me completely, like me and love me. This feeling of warmth came over me. Its been 2 days and we've partied hard and we've sobered up. The home friends were a little jealous because of how nicely placed I am at uni (2 housemates that are like me and are awesome friends, being close to university campus (walking distance), a lush pad and a killer degree). This girl is jealous because having the few friends I do, the 4 she met 2 nights ago she believed were better than having all the friends she does (we are talking like 800+ here). My housemate who has never ''fit'' anywhere. He is with my housemate and I and consequently has never been this happy in his either, the other housemate has the same feelings as we do, the three of us are like a family. I can't express the warmth I have felt from these 5 people.
The most compelling thing in my mind that gives me so much warmth is - we are all socially able, intelligent, normal and leading lives others desire but we all have shown some sense of being lost, admiration and/or blemishes to our lives which require the interraction of others to fix.
This was not all; I confessed to one of them that for the past year I have been searching for the perfect death that isn't dealt by my own hand. The confession to someone face to face has become a weight off my shoulders. While I was telling them, It took me about 10 mins. To get those words out of my own mouth to another human... I was overwelmed and I couldn't at first. I kept stumbling on 'for' and 'I'. To finish it with telling them I couldn't commit suicide because, as broken as I am. To compromise one of my fundamental believes is a disgrace to myself. when you feel such disgust for yourself and disbelieve of your own feelings and thoughts it is hard to face a problem. I fought through tears to admit outloud with a witness that I hadn't had a passion for anything other that to find the perfect death in the past year.
The loneliness I've felt since I was 12 years old for this short period has be deminished. I'm not expecting it to last forever but for now these 2 events have blew my mind....
The girl that broke my heart destorying all the relationships with lovers, friends, family, collegues I had and have on the way out. The person I trusted more then any, who new my fear and played it in front of me. I have just tried to contact asking for friendship, given her the forgiveness and asked for forgiveness.
I know the past year was exacerbated by her and I now believe the only way that year of heart ache and depression can be put behind me, my relationships to reignite is to accept it all and forgive her and at least be able to have this person in my life as a friend.
I have seen alot of beautiful things in my life, genuine warmth and happiness only to die. But If I can appreciate this feeling, understand it and not take it for granted I believe I can make my life whole again, if you feed the fire logs it will never die or fail to shine and glimer.
I hope you guys can be a little inspired if you read this, It starts with one person who can make you feel you are in company. To some that person is themselves. For alot of you here including me that isn't the case we are built to be interactive and to share. I put my hand out with my eyes closed. One person a while ago held it and a set of events which I didn't know where going to lead up to my birthdays' delight happend. For all that it is worth, yourself and time will heal any problem you face, you must just be willing to allow it. My life hit honeysuckle creek, it took a beating and quit for a year wanting only one thing. The years building a bomb inside cannot control the years I have ahead of me to disarm it.
I will only disagree with one thing that everyone on here says, Alcohol was a mask, it let me numb everything and has been a shield for 3-4 years in my life when I needed it to be. It did make things and me worse off at times I will not deny that. However If you are strong willed (which I certainly am not) or someone who can control addictive habits then use this tool until you are ready to face the problems you run from.
I guess if I am wrong with my experience so far you'll read another article on here with me ranting I post long and the entirety of broken down situation, as you can see. If I'm not wrong I may understand and have found the key to my happiness (The honest truth will only come from within, if you ask for answers to your problems the responses will not be right as it is you that needs to create them.) I've had advice from here, I wanted answers. I have found the most convincing answers yet and wish them to be true. I wouldn't of been able to do it if I didnt post my long rants on here. I would never of found the materials I needed.
