What would you do if your boyfriend played video games all day long

[Eternal flame]

I don't know how to feel anymore. I know I feel very alone and abandoned. My boyfriend works third shift. When he comes home in the morning he goes straight to his computer until about 4 pm playing video games. Our relationship consists of me talking to him as he sits at his computer desk. During this time he maybe heard one thing I said. Meanwhile he's constantly smiling at his monitor as he gladly types his next reply. I feel so alone. He always procrastinates what me and him will do together and never seems interested to do anything with me. Not even ride down the street to the store. But when there is a family event he makes sure he goes and is gone for hours and hours on end. Oh, did I mention he doesn't like for me to attend his family events? Yea, today is Easter and another holiday spent alone. He pretends to want me there but deep inside I know he doesn't . So I just say I don't want to go. He hangs out with his brothers and their girlfriends and parties it up. If that were me though hanging out with my sisters and their boyfriends partying it up....there would be a huge argument. I'm really beginning to think that he doesn't like my company at all. It appears he's at his best when I'm no where to be found. At this point I'm really starting to access the relationship and wonder if I should move on. There are so many guys who would love to be with me. When I say I feel alone, wow, that's such an understatement. I miss having someone hold me, (not just because they want sex) I miss being made love to so passionately, I miss having someone to cut my grass. Oh did I mention he doesn't do ANY handy work around the house. That gets put off as well. But those video games, and his gaming friends, they get his undivided attention.

I'm really at rock bottom here. I've been thinking of just starting over.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

I'm really at rock bottom here. I've been thinking of just starting over.

If you are willing to do this than do it. Wow, I feel bad that you are with someone like that. Tell him how you are going to leave him if he doesn't change his ways. You probably won't get the answer you want, but that should show you its time to find someone else. I hope you do, you sound like a nice person that deserves more. Especially when all you ask is for some true loving company and for him to do some housework. Lazy people like that, they are not good to really be close with.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Gambling addiction, Gaming addictions, drugs addictions

You bascailly discribe my ex-gf or the last relationship i was in.
You discribe all the symtoms and signs of what it is to live with an addict.
You scribe how i felt all those years.

Yeah...many, many holidays i sat home alone or felt alone.
I wasn't in a relationship..I was being USED
It hurts me when I say that becuase I love her a lot....the truth hurts sometimes.

After 12 years with her...i had to start over again anyway.
I felt the last 12 years of my life had been a lie.....
Yeah...just for her to love and hold me was too **** much for me to ask for.
12 fucken years in relationship..*sighs*

 

[Papabear]

are you asking people here to validate your feelings or what?

honest advice... ditch him, he's using you.

Don't look for sugar coating.... or you can... and you can keep putting up with it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

He's just an addict with a job.
Everything is all about him. Even sex.

You can try attending alan-on meetings in your area...there will people
there that will understand you...listen to you, help and support you through this.
You're not over reacting. Yes...talk to people...let it all out.

You can't change him. The only thing you can do is change is yourself.

Until the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving...I was staying.

Yes..my comfortzone. Whatever that is...(even if it's unhealthy for me)

Yes..of course, fear tactics 101 for any addicts. Co-dependent. (its subtle, cunning and baffling )
You're dependent on him...you fear for your life or livelyhood becuase you don't have a job
or means to support yourself...This will always leave you making your decision centered around
that fear. And he'll used it against you...to get his ways..becuase it's all about him..him...him.
You're living in a sort of prison. You live in isolations...less and less people comes into your life.

It dosn't happen overnite...
You wake oneday years into the relationship and relized...where are my friends ????
How many friends do you have visiting you ?
How much time do you spend with your friends ?
You do feel a sense of guilt or an argument arrise if you want to spen time with your friends ?

Any normal or healthy person would easily see.. love is not a oneway street.
Addicts don't give a fresia or are disconnected and inconsiderate of others...especailly the people closest to them.
Any healthy person can easily see....yes, have a simple romantic picknic, a stroll during a sunset, a romantic dinner
in a quite resturaunt, or even bring home flowers once a week or every other week.
At least go down town every so often to make my women glow.....

I like taking a stroll on the beach or just taking a romatic hike with my partner too ya know.
*sighs*....she always say.. "next week"..but went to the **** casino every weekend.
Yeah....the stupid vedio games...keno or slots vedio games bascailly.

What do you have in common with him ??? It's a relationship...
What and how do you relate to him ?

Gee wiz...tell stuff like that to addicts is like talking to a brickwall...becuase it's not about them or serve them.

You can try asking him to attend marriage counseling if you think it's worth saving.

 

[Spare]

I'm not the least bit qualified to dole out relationship advice, but what the heck, I'm gonna try it anyway!

It doesn't sound as though this is a healthy relationship. As I see it, relationships are all about compromise, and the 'give' in 'give and take'. It seems to me as though this guy is all out of give, and when one-half of a relationship runs out of give it's time for an all or nothing, D-Day discussion. If he remains disinclined to communicate, well, then maybe it's time to call it quits. At least that's what I would do; only you can decide what's best for you.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's hard, moving on from someone you love. The thing to do (and this I believe I AM qualified to say) is to hold onto any fond memories of the GOOD times you had together, and remember them as a cherished, but closed, chapter of your life.

Good luck!

 

[DayvanCowboy]

If you are willing to do this than do it. Wow, I feel bad that you are with someone like that. Tell him how you are going to leave him if he doesn't change his ways. You probably won't get the answer you want, but that should show you its time to find someone else. I hope you do, you sound like a nice person that deserves more. Especially when all you ask is for some true loving company and for him to do some housework. Lazy people like that, they are not good to really be close with.

I feel bad too because I'm in love with him. I just can't take this type of rejection. He is so stuck on the fact that because he asked me to go and I said no. I guess he feels a great sense of justification. I don't know. His idea of quality time with me is watching a movie on the internet, then falling asleep. This is after his hours of gaming. I feel like sloppy seconds. Sexually I please him in all sense of that statement. But when it comes to me...yea. Sex is so predictable....I've discussed this with him a numerous amount of times. All of the above and much more not mentioned. He says I'm over reacting. I'm over reacting about today and everything else. I don't work and he is the sole provider. At times he hangs that over my head as well. He threatens to leave me and for me to get a new boyfriend to pay my bills. I really need someone to talk with.

That is exactly how he feels. He is someone that knows what to say to put you in a corner and quiet you down. He can't even watch a movie with you in a theatre. It has to honestly be on the net? That is ridiculous. Everything you are going through seems like such a drab and boring experience. I can't believe you love him, but then again, I understand in some way. You have been through a lot with him and he is probably more close to you and knows you more than anyone else. If he tells you to go and leave him then you should really think about that. The words he has expressed in that way is someone that really does not care for you at the moment. His feelings for you seem gone. Maybe you leaving him will spark something in him to make him realize what he truly lost out on. Sometimes actions like that are needed. It may be a risk, but really, what do you have to lose. A boring sex life? Watching someone being connected to a screen for hours at a time? Listening to him put you down when you really want to talk about things?

Really think about that.

 

[Spare]

Thank you for all that you said. Most important thank you for taking the time to talk with me.

You're welcome!

 

[johnjohn]

He's just an addict with a job.
Everything is all about him. Even sex.

You pose very good questions. How many friends come to my house.. none..none..none..and yea..none. What can I say to your reply except...yup..everything you said is right on the nail...It really feels good to talk about it. There was a point I would try to discuss the issues with him. But then there just comes a point in the relationship where you say you know what I'm done doing that. And one by one very quickly you start eliminating all the other things.

An addict he is..

Hi
Yes it sounds like you have reached crisis point in the relationship and you have to make up your mind about what to do. If you still love him then you have to talk and establish why and what is making you unhappy. We cannot expect to fulfill all of each others needs, and it is hard to leave when you still love someone, even though they do not love you anymore. It then comes down to self esteem. He will continue to use you knowing he has asked you to go and you didn't. And do not even think about looking for another BF before you leave, this is desparate, and will surely end the same way.

I like this saying:

True love is not just a fantasy of perfection in which each others needs are effortlessly and constantly met, but rather it is a case of sharing a lifetime together and working hard, striving to meet each others changing needs and wants in the best way we can. It is about forgiving each other for our mistakes and accepting each others limitations, this should be just as rewarding as in appreciating each others successes and strengths. Nobody is perfect and so true love should not demand perfection but should appreciate and embrace the imperfections within the relationship.

Good luck, not sure how old you both are but you sound young. Do not waste any more time with someone who doesn't love you. It will drag you down and increase your feeling of loneliness. Start by loving yourself and doing things, even small things, just for you. Start going out on your own, meet up with old friends, anything that focuses on you as a person.

If you want to chat then just let me know, I have been there and if i can help in any way? John

 

[luciddisconnect]

I don't work and he is the sole provider. At times he hangs that over my head as well. He threatens to leave me and for me to get a new boyfriend to pay my bills. I really need someone to talk with.

Sounds like you need a job. It will help you gain confidence in yourself and make leaving far more possible should you decide to go that route. It doesn't sound like he will really be able to argue with you about getting a job since he holds it over your head that you don't have one. Also, good co-worker relationships can fill at least part of the need that real friendship does. If I wasn't working I'd feel even more out of touch that I do right now.

All of your posts indicate that you know the relationship is broken. Time to begin doing something to extract yourself from the situation.

One other thing: I don't buy the notion of video game addiction. Not really. The word addiction takes away accountability. It says that he can't help himself.

But you don't suffer withdrawal if you don't game for a few days.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well....it took me a while to attend an Alan-on meeting..lol
It took me a week a look up a scehdule.
Then the next week I just drove around block 5 times of the meetings with tears running down my face.
Then the next week I drove into the parking lot and burned a donuts out of the parking lot.lol
Then the next week I finally walked into the room...I was hurting so **** bad...I just broke down and cried
through the entire meeting....

Yes...many, many discussions of marriage counseling..but she always had a reason not to go..
Or maybe things got better for a little while.

I remember trying to make myself pack after the 4th seperations.
I couldn't make myself no matter how much I wanted too.
It felt like i was going to die. I love very very much.
I'd break down into tears trying to just pack my clothe.
It was my home, my life...all of my belongins was in it.
I thought i hitted bottom...many, many times.

I was manager..I was capiable of supporting myself finacially...but my life was centered around her.
She wasn't like that when I first met her. I kept hoping she would get well.
I asked her to COME HOME...while she was sitting in our living room sometimes.
She was disconnected or not there. I was talking to her addiction...not her.
It's as if she got possessed by some negative life sucking force.

She was a social worker...her career has nothing to do with her being an addict.
She had all the training and data....She removes children from unhealthy homes (addictions involved).
She make all the parents get drug test , go into recovery programs...
But addictions dosn't care. Addiction dosn't discriminate..
She was living in denial. Our home, relationship and lives was unhealthy.

I was living in denial too....that hurts.

Addcition is cunning, baffling, and powerful.....
yeah sure..its only a stupid vedio game so why is it so improtant ?...it's not to a normal person.
It's total insanity to wreck your marrriage or relationship for a stupid vedio game. It's just entertainment.
An addict in their addictions..can't see that. They're delusional or living in denial.

You can try to get recovery literature and lay it around all over the house..lol
On his PC.,,on his night stand, in the bath room, in his car..etc...

There's nothing wrong with you being a homemaker...it's when you live with an addict that it's trouble some.

I'm also a recovery addict...I've been clean and sober since I was 22. It's been over 16 years.
Many addicts do come into reocvery becuase they where afriad of loosing thier families...some do lose thier families.
My ex-wf divorce me...becuase of my addictions. She tried intervention on me...but I was hard headed. So..she deviorced me.
For the longest time i didn't know...how much I hurted my ex-wf. I have a deeper understanding of what that is today.

You can try doing reserch on addictions and codepedency...there's plenty of sites and forum dedicated to this subject.
It might help you understand more about your problems...

Recovery has a lot more to do with just stopping addiction or using.
It's about learning how to live...healthy.
Yeah...like make passionate love to your partner or mow the yard...becuase it's not all about me..lol
Getting out of yourself, care and love other people around you.
Bascailly the 12 step program is about making things right...making it right.
Making amends to the people we hurted.

 

[Unacceptance]

Really I would wonder more what I'm doing with a boyfriend.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Play with him. I love video games.

 

[Eternal flame]

Play with him. I love video games.

I've tried playing video games with him before. Truthfully I don't like playing video games. But I did try to show interest way more than dozens of times. Realistically, that is not my idea of a day well spent. I don't care if he plays video games. I do care that the video games consume ALL and every ounce of his time. That is why I stopped trying to play the games with him. Nine hours of gaming is not my idea of foreplay.

 

[Unacceptance]

Play with him. I love video games.

I've tried playing video games with him before. Truthfully I don't like playing video games. But I did try to show interest way more than dozens of times. Realistically, that is not my idea of a day well spent. I don't care if he plays video games. I do care that the video games consume ALL and every ounce of his time. That is why I stopped trying to play the games with him. Nine hours of gaming is not my idea of foreplay.

He'll get bored sooner or later. Or you'll have to creatively figure out how to get his attention back.

 

[Unacceptance]

Play with him. I love video games.

He'll get bored sooner or later. Or you'll have to creatively figure out how to get his attention back.

The problem is I'm the one getting bored. Way more sooner than his later. And someone posted he asked me to leave. He didn't ask me to leave. He doesn't want me to leave. When he gets angry he tells me to get another man to pay the bills. I just recently stopped working outside of the house to establish my own business in retail.

Did he always have this hobby?

 

[Unacceptance]

Did he always have this hobby?

Yes..., however, he wouldn't play.
[/quote]

Sounds like he is making up for lost time time then.

Maybe work on a set schedule or something together?

Dudes aren't very complicated. It can't be that hard to know your own boyfriend well enough to open up some method of communication.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Play with him. I love video games.

He'll get bored sooner or later. Or you'll have to creatively figure out how to get his attention back.

The problem is I'm the one getting bored. Way more sooner than his later. And someone posted he asked me to leave. He didn't ask me to leave. He doesn't want me to leave. When he gets angry he tells me to get another man to pay the bills. I just recently stopped working outside of the house to establish my own business in retail.

12 years later and she's still not done yet....

Trust me...I went gambling with her too.

There's no way for you to fight his addiction.
You might be able to get his attention for a little while but you'll
spin your entire life trying to get his **** attention and it'll
eventaully tired you out. That's part of enabling him. Bending
over backwards just to get his attention.

She was so deep into her addiction she even got blunt about it.
She said "I just want to go gambling and someone to fresia"
How and why would that hurt me ?....she comes home and fresia my brains out every night.
I'm a guy....what else would a guy want than to have his women fresia his brains out ?

You don't say crap like that to people you love...You just don't. It hurts.

I know what love is...and that wasn't it.

She used to tell me the very samething...
"Go find someone else...someone young and beautiful that will love you"

Well..I did...and she didn't like it....
That's beucase she was talking crap...Addicts do that.
Fear tactics or pushing people beyound thier limits.
They'll say whatever just to get people off of thier backs or
away from them ,so they can continue with their addiction.

The stupid blame game...Pretty soon he'll say it's all your fualt.
He's already telling you to go look for another man. That's stupid and insane.
Addicts are egotistic selfcenter maniac...
Not for a sec. did he consider by saying stupid remarks like can hurt you deeply...
It's simple mental and emotional abuse. This is what comes with the territory of addiction.

As soon as i did that...Suicide threats from her galor.
Or "don't leave me" or " I can't live without you"

whatever..whatever is conveient for them at the time.

 

[TheLonelySkeptic]

Unlike the others here, I'm not just going to mentally masturbate you. I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, and actually give you some advice. However, in place of simply saying "make him a goddamn sandwich," I'll say this:

It's not all about you, you know.

You see, "Men are like waffles," and "Women are like spaghetti."

While for a woman, every aspect of her life may very well tie into every other aspect of her life, a man tends to compartmentalize his life into little boxes. This is why men are naturally more apt to complete single tasks more efficiently than women (and why women are MUCH better multitaskers than men). A man has many boxes. There's the "work box," the "conversation box," the "lover box," the "video game," box, etc. When you approach your man while he's playing video games, he's gotta get up out of the video game box, unlock the door to the conversation box, and close the door behind him before he can truly commit to the conversation. It's a sad fact, but it's just how we tend to be wired.

Men also have a special box called the "nothing box." This is a sacred place that all men cherish, and to trespass upon this holy ground is a blasphemy matched by no other. The nothing box is special because in it, nothing happens. Your man is in the nothing box when you ask him "what are you thinking about?" and he says, "Nothing." You ladies find it hard to believe that a person can literally be thinking about nothing, but that's just how we recharge our batteries, by "spacing out" as it were.

In that sense, boys don't just "turn off" to a woman that they love, or at least I don't. When he comes home from work, how do you treat him? Do you have the compulsion to complain as soon as he steps foot in the house? Do you nag about things any objective person would find minuscule? Or do you wrap your arms around him and thank him for hauling his ass out of bed every day and going to work?

Do you even have a job? It sounds like he is one person supporting both himself and your little "excursion" into the world of self-employment. That would be an undue stress on anybody. Boys don't show affection to cold, selfish, unappreciative women, and that's exactly the vibe I'm getting from your posts. What you women don't understand is that we fellas are remarkably simple. Give us a little bit of appreciation, and we'll give you the world. But from what I've read, all you do is expect to receive, but what have you done to give? Boys don't just need to be turned on sexually, we need to be turned on EMOTIONALLY too!

From what I know, I would say that your boyfriend sounds clinically depressed, probably from stress, and so he releases his stress by shooting a few baddies in a video game with his online pals. Guys do that. The more stressed we are, the more time we need to space out. But YOU need to be his stress relief. YOU need to greet him as he comes home and show him how grateful he makes you feel. All it takes is a long kiss, a thank you, and an 'I love you' and before you know it, he may very well come to his senses.

Stop buggering the poor fella and be a source of comfort, not ridicule.

 

[Eternal flame]

In that sense, boys don't just "turn off" to a woman that they love, or at least I don't. When he comes home from work, how do you treat him? Do you have the compulsion to complain as soon as he steps foot in the house? Do you nag about things any objective person would find minuscule? Or do you wrap your arms around him and thank him for hauling his ass out of bed every day and going to work?
But from what I've read, all you do is expect to receive, but what have you done to give? Boys don't just need to be turned on sexually, we need to be turned on EMOTIONALLY too!

Well one thing I've learned is it's hard to judge someone through ink. Am I one who talks about what is bothering me. Yes, sorry I wasn't raised in the stone age where it was acceptable for women to be seen and not heard. Quite the contrary of what you think. As mentioned,,again..I JUST recently stopped working. So the only thing different is I don't work. I still do everything else I was doing then now...Again the only change is I'm not leaving my home to punch a clock. I still wash the clothes, cook dinner, clean the house, feed the dogs, fold the clothes, mow the lawn (yes, I mow the lawn) even when I was working ( I was the one mowing the lawn) I fix the things in the house when they break.. and if I can't fix them I call someone in who can. I handle the phone calls whether it be to our utility companies or making appts. So how am asking for a little undivided attention nagging? Seriously.... I get his clothes ready for him for work every night and even bring him his towel.

When he arrives in the a.m. from work I kiss him, tell him I made coffee, ask would you like some..and what would you like to have for breakfast. I by no means am a slacker. If I happen to be asleep at night or know that I'm tired I make sure he has all the items he needs to get ready to leave for work..his glasses...which he constantly looses...his badge to get in the door at work..(he looses that all the time too)..and his keys.. I also leave him notes stating how he is appreciated for all he does..and all he does is work..again..my million dollar duties still remain...except I am not bringing in my 900 dollar paychecks anymore. I am constantly giving.. this is why I am hurt so much about him giving back. He only does one thing and that is work. Everything else I do. Again, before I stopped working and now that I'm not. Have I been guilty of flying off at the handle and getting upset. You're **** skippy I have. Why? Well honeysuckle, glad you asked....I'm ******* hurt. So please...excuse the fact that I forgot to sound sensitive during my posting...

He has said that he has a problem conversing with anyone. That even knowing he has to his face turns red and he can feel it as its about to happen and when it's in full bloom. He's not outgoing and again quite the contrary...I am. He hates that about me and loves it at the same time. He told me the other day that I'm everything he's not. He tells me over and over that he will do whatever is necessary to keep me because he knows he procrastinates everything...but it only lasts for a day or two and back to reality....There was so much more involved when I posted this post. When you are looking for people to talk with and have a bit of stress taken off, you try to narrow it down.

The job he has he was fired from also. He's now been with them for three years. But in the beginning when he first started they fired him for stuff he did when he was just a teen. I told him that it was unacceptable for them to pass judgment on him for what he did in his past. So, I wrote a letter to the owner of the company explaining the mistake they made and gave an outline of his many accomplishments since that unfortunate time in his life. They hired him back... So yea my friend..I'm a woman who is in her mans corner. Working against him is only me working against myself. I may not have the answers right now...but that doesn't make me stupid...

I guess if you heard me talk and my accent you would really think I was a *****. Most people do until they get to know me. I say that because I have a very thick New York accent.. and that is not embraced well in the south.. In New York no prob...everyone sounds the same..so I guess at times when I write...I sound the same.. Hope that clears up a few things for you.

It's more than just the video games here...it's about him being there period.