Where to Look?

[nerdygirl]

Where do you look when you're talking to more than one person?

I was just remembering this time I met an internet friend for the first time. I joined him and his wife for dinner. They sat on one side of the table, and I sat at the other with my daughter. I'm not shy, but he told me later that I came off that way, because I didn't make tons of eye contact. The thing is, I have no clue who to look at in that type of situation!

People have told me, "Look at the person you're talking to." What if you're not talking to one specific person? I've also been told, "Look at your friend." And what, ignore his wife? That seems terribly rude.

I'd love to know- what do you do in this situation, and... does anybody know what you're supposed to do?

 

[kamya]

You can look back and forth acknowledging both of them at the same time. Kind of like when you are giving a speech. Give a little eye contact to everyone.

 

[SophiaGrace]

My psychologist says I don't acknowledge people when I meet them so I am not the person to offer advice on this.

 

[FakeBl0cks]

What kamya suggest can be considered as one of the best solution
just to add things,
you can concentrate on your food (as it's dinner) or interact with your daughter
when it's incovenient to look at them or even just to take the pressure off

 

[Yeah!]

Hell yeah, this is a tough one. Kamya gives the best advice, here. I've found that gesturing takes the pressure off a little, because people will have some of the focus taken off where it is you're looking but still be able to take in what it is you're saying.

 

[I'm Fine]

As Kamya said, look at them both. I find it best to look at whoever is speaking and, when speaking myself, divide my time evenly between all those present. That's my advice anyway (not that I'm an expert, obviously).

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

You should look at everyone in the group you're talking to as much as possible. Like when public speaking, they want you to look around the room and try to make eye contact with each person at least once. But maybe if looking at people makes you uncomfortable, look at everyone's noses or something. Maybe that will work, I'll try it sometime myself.

 

[nerdygirl]

Hm. The thing about giving a speech vs conversation is that a speech is a monologue, typically at least several minutes long. What if you're saying something brief? Flickering your eyes back and forth too much will surely make you look like you're on drugs or something.

 

[alonewanderer]

Actually now that I think about it, just give whoever looks the most interested the majority of eye contact.

 

[kamya]

You don't have to snap your neck switching back and forth like a drug addict lol. Just be natural. Even if it's something short. Maybe look to the second person and nod you head a bit towards the end of whatever you are saying, or in the middle of your sentence before switching back to your main focus. You can do a lot of nonverbal stuff like gesturing with your hands kind of outwards so that what you are saying seems directed to multiple people.

I've never really thought about this but I guess that's what I do.

 

[Brian]

Ooh, ooh, I know this one.

The key is to give attention to everybody. They teach this in speech classes, as well as in instructor methodology and other similar courses.

You need to shift your eye contact between each person in a small group, or if you have a crowd, pick 3 or so points in the crowd to look at.

Appropriate time spans are a few seconds or so at each 'point' or person. Turn your head if you need to.

Don't forget body language! Don't be stiff. Use your hands, nod your head. Smile, laugh, whatever.

 

[nerdygirl]

I've had a few people suggest that it's like giving a speech, but I dunno. It doesn't feel the same to me. Maybe because it's a more personal connection, or because I'm only used to doing speeches for large groups.

 

[paulo]

cant help you there,
i dont even know where to look if its just 1 person im talking to.

i dont really care if someone looks at me when were talking, i dont even notise.
prob because im not looking at them either.

is it really rude if your not looked at when talked to ?
or does it just make you seem shy if you dont ?

 

[nerdygirl]

I think it's probably a little of both- rude not to look at people when engaged in conversation... and I don't want to seem shy. I'm not sure why, but it just irritates me when people assume that about me. Perhaps it's because I have enough other social difficulties without people throwing shyness in there.