Why am I like this?

[blue_azure]

In all truth, I seem very problem-free. I have great friends, family.... yet no matter how much I remind myself I do have them, I feel very lonely. For so many years I have awakened only to feel like I am alone in this world. Part of me calls myself weak and useless.

What I really want is just to feel safe and protected. I know that having a boyfriend is no cure to everything but a part of me really wants one. To feel arms around me... Countless times I have awakened from dreams where there is someone's arms around me and they felt so warm and comforting. Those were dreams I wished will never end. Every night and every morning I cry. I feel so empty.

It's not like I feel so hollow everyday. I started feeling really lonely when I was 12. I am now 19. I always assumed it was part of some angsty, emo-ridden teenage puberty thing. But now I know I am way past puberty and more or less my hormones should be balanced. When I am happy, I am happy. It's just that sometimes I can feel lonely despite being with people. Tears well up and those are times where I really hate myself for being so weak.

I have never dated or had any intimate contact with the opposite sex before. Is this the cause?

A few times I have already contemplated suicide. But the logical part of me always stop me. I feel like I have two split personalities in me. One is Mind and another is Heart. Mind is king. So even if Heart cries, she still has to follow Mind.

Really, I just need to let this out. I can't possibly tell this to my friends. I just... don't trust them enough. Perhaps I am just another of those stupid fools.

 

[Darkblade]

Amen ,just like i feel but im 17 and a boy ..

 

[Sanal]

Hey blue_azure Welcome to the forum

Thats exactly how I feel. Word by word I felt like reading my own mind. That scares me. I even feel that I have split personality but not as mind and heart but as a good me and evil me. I go really evil when I m depressed and sometimes it takes over so much that I loose control over my feelings.

 

[blue_azure]

Amen ,just like i feel but im 17 and a boy ..

And I thought I was the only one... Lol.
I'm a person who prefers to see the simpler side of life so having these conflicting emotions really disturbs me.

 

[blue_azure]

Hey blue_azure Welcome to the forum

Thats exactly how I feel. Word by word I felt like reading my own mind. That scares me. I even feel that I have split personality but not as mind and heart but as a good me and evil me. I go really evil when I m depressed and sometimes it takes over so much that I loose control over my feelings.

Hello!

It's nice to know that there are others who feel the same way as I do. For many years I kept it bottled up inside me and I feel a bit relieved at letting it out. My own split personality is weird. Sometimes I feel like I am having two voices battling in my head until I was worried that I might have schizophrenia. -_- Mind keeps me surviving... but at the expense of Heart. Pisses me off sometimes.

 

[Caesium]

Amen ,just like i feel but im 17 and a boy ..

And I thought I was the only one... Lol.
I'm a person who prefers to see the simpler side of life so having these conflicting emotions really disturbs me.

Of course you're not the only one, not at all! Many of the members on this site feel just as you do, and millions around the world feel just as lonely. At least you have friends, be grateful for that. I think I have minor social anxiety disorder, and I haven't ever had a real conversation with a girl in real life. Never hugged a girl, have no friends in real life, etc. But maybe some day, that will all change. As long as we are alive, there is always hope, never give up. I find that hugging a pillow and pretending it's another person helps too

 

[Sanal]

Hello!

It's nice to know that there are others who feel the same way as I do. For many years I kept it bottled up inside me and I feel a bit relieved at letting it out. My own split personality is weird. Sometimes I feel like I am having two voices battling in my head until I was worried that I might have schizophrenia. -_- Mind keeps me surviving... but at the expense of Heart. Pisses me off sometimes.

oh sorry to hear that. I dont have voices inside me but I get this wierd feeling sometimes and I will not be scared of anything at those times.
You dont have schizophrenia coz ive heard that those who does have, doesnt realize they have.

 

[blue_azure]

Of course you're not the only one, not at all! Many of the members on this site feel just as you do, and millions around the world feel just as lonely. At least you have friends, be grateful for that. I think I have minor social anxiety disorder, and I haven't ever had a real conversation with a girl in real life. Never hugged a girl, have no friends in real life, etc. But maybe some day, that will all change. As long as we are alive, there is always hope, never give up. I find that hugging a pillow and pretending it's another person helps too

Oo... I'm sorry to hear that. There will be a day when all is over. I'm still waiting...

oh sorry to hear that. I dont have voices inside me but I get this wierd feeling sometimes and I will not be scared of anything at those times.
You dont have schizophrenia coz ive heard that those who does have, doesnt realize they have.

Yeah... that's nice to hear. I thought of going for professional counseling once but the fact that I don't dare to talk to anyone about this dissuaded me from doing it.

Thanks for all your comments, guys! I feel a bit more relieved knowing I can talk about it freely here.

 

[Sanal]

I also never wanted to tell anyone coz of this feeling that, people already have their own problems and why should i bother them adding mine too with those?Then I thought of a counseling too but I will feel embarassed talkin bout things which that person may feel silly. I might later regret that.

 

[Caesium]

Oo... I'm sorry to hear that. There will be a day when all is over. I'm still waiting...

We will all meet the same fate. Suicide is just a shortcut to the finish line.

 

[blue_azure]

Thanks to everyone who've commented. I feel more relieved letting it out. You guys are great. I have always had the fear that people will laugh at me if I told them. Thanks for being so understanding.

 

[Bouncing_Soul]

I was recently in a relationship with a girl. It lasted about month and a bit because we were both travelers and both had to return to our own homes. The only time we were really comfortable was when we were in private where we could hug and kiss. When it ended it was so hard for me to not have that kind of affection anymore. I kept trying to talk to her but she said to leave her alone because we were "just two people who needed affection" and had nothing in common.
I think the point I'm trying to make is, unless you find someone who is more then just a pair of arms your not going to be happy in the end. As special as that relationship was to me, I'm now even more lonely. I wish I didn't need that kind of affection but I'm a stupid emo boy I guess.

 

[Dee]

I’m 24 years old going on 25 and I’ve had several long relationships that have lasted years (even though I am so young) and I still feel like you. Every time I don’t have someone in my life I feel lonely and believe me I have done a lot of counseling, meditation, bla, bla, bla and nothing has worked. I know its a type of sadness that you and I feel but I think there is hope. For me I have not figured out the meaning of my life…so I have no freaken idea what I am working for, so when I wake up I usually want to put my blanket over my head and fall asleep back to my dream where I am happy and loved.
I know what is happening is that I am looking at external things/people (i.e. a boyfriend) to make me happy. This is a vicious cycle for me because by waiting for them to make me happy I am making that individual the person who has to liveup (think that is how you spell it, I suck at spelling) to make me happy and they never do because they cannot, nobody can. Now the real question is, do I do differently now that I know this? NO! I still feel lonely. I’ve come to believe that I am an endless hopeful and that I let others make me feel happy but in reality I must have happiness in me in order to express it when someone is with me.
I don’t know if this makes sense. I feel like you will laugh at me for telling you what I have, but I wanted to take a chance and show you how it works for me…even if you may think I am a loser…

 

[lovehurtme]

^^^^Girl, you aren't a loser. Stop saying that. You are a grad student, you are cute, and you are young. Those are 3 things that many others don't have.