I always want to go out but no one ever calls me to go anywhere. I want a friend badly but every time I try they back away as if they sense how desperate I am. The disappointment I feel from those failures make me want to try even less. It’s like a negative spiral where I don’t know if I can make friends in life anymore. I’m going off to teach English in China at summer’s end to start a new life. However, I have never had any luck in life so I don’t even know if this is the right decision. Everything seems so uncertain in my life. I just want something in my life to make me feel secure like a friend who promises to never leave my side. I feel lonely all the time. Each day is the same. When it was my birthday people forgot and called me a week later. My life is so pathetic and this lack of social interaction with people has made me into a very spiteful person. I hate the world more and more. All I want is a friend so why is that so hard? Someone who will listen to my concerns, hang out with me, lend a hand when I need it, and generally be there for me. Why is that so hard? I feel like I’m cursed sometimes. Like I’m doomed to stay depressed my whole life. It’s like I’m just waiting for the right moment to explode. When that time comes it’ll all be over and I’ll be really angry/sad at everything. I share a room with my brother so I hardly get any peace in our tiny apartment. Whenever I go out I feel self-conscious, like people are watching/judging me. The sad thing is, I graduated with a psychology degree; that just makes my whole situation all the more ironic. My family asks me, why can’t you be more optimistic? I just feel so alone and forgotten that I don’t want to live anymore. I mean, even a psychologist needs to have social support, right? When I don’t have any in real life, how can I feel happy? There are people I chat with over the internet. But that is usually boring since we don’t know what to discuss about. I think they feel the same way. It’s as if they can sense my true emotions over the computer screen. They know I’m hiding my depression and people want to stay away from it. Sometimes I try to explain my situation using karma and reincarnation; that maybe in my past lives I did very bad things. So I am allowed to suffer in this lifetime as punishment from God. But I just can’t take this anymore. Why can’t I just get a little room to breathe? Like a glimmer of hope? Indeed, I have done some bad things in my life before, but those things were never of the magnitude where I deserve to be friendless, poor, and unhappy for an entire decade! The bad things I did were unintentional; I disrespected and quarreled with my family frequently during those turbulent teenage years. But doesn’t everybody? Plus the only other thing I can think of to justify my punishment would be teasing the little kids my grandma babysat. Are those such terrible things that I must live so miserably now? I often feel uninspired because I don’t think there’s a point to doing anything. I have become a very cynical person over the years. I started out as a bright young kid but look at me now. I have changed so much into a shell of a man. I have heard the saying that we should love ourselves before anyone will love us. However, I find it hard to love myself when my life has been miserable for so long. I feel like there’s nothing special about me out of this gigantic world of 6 billion other people. Plus the reactions of people around me help to confirm that belief repeatedly. They ignore me and generally find me as either a burden/eyesore. I feel so horrible all the time. When I wake up occasionally I feel numb in the face, as if my mind is paralyzed by yet another dreary day. I also go through a cycle of saving and then deleting porn from my computer. I feel dirty for storing so much but eventually replace them so I don’t know what I should do. I have no experience meeting girls and my current financial situation really doesn’t help to build up confidence either.
I’m sorry if I have made you uncomfortable by reading this post. It’s just how I honestly feel right now. Well, I shouldn’t dwell on my depression so much.
Thank you for reading.
I’m sorry if I have made you uncomfortable by reading this post. It’s just how I honestly feel right now. Well, I shouldn’t dwell on my depression so much.
Thank you for reading.