G
Guest
Guest
16 Male here. I don't want to wallow around in self pity. I don't enjoy sitting alone here at the computer and feeling alone. Rather than continually bitching about how miserable my life is, I figured I would try to get advice rather on why I feel so lonely. Before you read any further, I would like to point out this will be a bit long of a read.
When I was 7 my father lost his job because of health hazards. Ever since then, my family has basicly lived off what we saved up. The hazards at his work was that he was having chemical reactions to the machinary and was causing him harm. My mother has had a metal rod infused into her back since she was a teen, so by about 7, my parents never worked. That was around the time my night terrors came forth. Vivid dreams and images of me often dieing, tortured, visions of my future, past, and much more. My dad in the past multiple years has developed fibromyalgia. (sp?)
As for me, I have led a fairly sheltered life. I had quite a few friends to start, but every single one of them had moved away or left when I got close to them. My last few friends had decided to choose a girl over me, which I guess could be understandable, but at the same time, was devastating to me. It seems like every time I manage to bond with another person, they get snatched away from me, it feels as if my soul gets a slight taste of what I should be feeling, then it gets ripped out of me. Not only does what I feel that I should of been feeling get clawed away, but I often lose something else.
I have always been religous. I believe in G-d and the Bible. I do not believe in the hypocritcal teachings, I believe in what I read directly from it. I keep my own standards and believes and stand firm on it.
During my freshmen year, I lost my best friend who I've known for 9 years, he moved away. I recently this weekend went on a road trip to go see him, that was fun, but realized how secluded my life has been.
In my sophomore year, I met Kristina. I had a crush on her for a few years, and we had been flirting for awhile. She was going through a major life dilemna. I stayed up nightly iming her, chatting, calling, even sneaking out to make sure she was ok. She said she was on the verge of suicide, I would ditch my classes to make sure she would not do anything foolish. I loved her more than I thought I ever could. About 2 years later, I still think of her. Needless to say, my grades suffered, my football career, which at the time was not too great suffered as well. I basically failed all my classes. By the time she was ready to date again, she had her eyes set on me. So did Sheridan, but she was not my type of a person. She was shallow, insanely hot, and haughty. She was my neighbor who had been trying to date me, however... being around her made me want to vomit, so I refused and stuck out for Kristina. I never was physically attracted to Kristina, but I loved who she was. Well, me and Kristina decided to date, my first girl friend. The next day, her best friend said she saw one of my other close friends (since preschool) with her. She was cheating on me. My friend knew how I felt. I talked to him about her a month before. He even promised to me to my face that he would never even think about becoming more than friends with her. I was devastated. I pretty much locked myself in my room for a year.
Junior year, was alot better. I managed to land a job at a mcdonalds, I got my license, I got a car. I started talking to 2 of my other friends again. It was this year that I became lonelier than I have ever felt before in my life. Growing up and watching friend after friend leave, watching my parents suffer, watching my own soul slowly deteriate from watching those who I loved get snatched away was nothing compared to this.
When I started work, I found an 18 year old girl there who I could relate to. She was smoking hot, bisexual, horny, and an awesome personality to boot. After 2 months of working there, we decided to hang out. We would lie to our parents and say we were closing in the store, but really, we got off at 10 and would hang out til 4 in the morning. We would often hang out with her friends who I hated quite a bit. They were mostly males who had past relationships or feelings for her, and made me feel quite competitive with them around. Then one night after work, she told me all about her story. How she had been brutually raped throughout her child hood and teenage years while her sister raised her. Her parents had been crack addicts. It wasn't til shortly after I found out she had been raped by my boss, the store owner, multiple times. At this point, I had feelings for her, I could get lost in her gaze forever it seemed.
I lost it.
I almost killed my boss one night getting off work. I found her being abused by him in the freezer, I hurled a 75lb box at his head as hard as I could. With me standing at 5'11, 195 lb, 450 squat, 220 bench, it nearly killed him. It was charged as self defense, he lived, we got new managers, and me and her got closer than ever. Then the rumors started.
The rumors were spread by multiple employees who were friends with the rapist. They spread the rumors about me and her, it drove her nuts. I didn't mind a bit, I enjoyed the thought of being together with her, she didn't. So, I asked a friend for help. I decided to set up a fake date to reflect the rumors. It was a friend of mine, not too close, but still a child hood friend. I managed to get her cousin to go on a date with me to rid the emotional abuse to the one I loved. Well, I set up the date and time anyway.
Me and the fake date talked for a week or two all day and night getting to know each other. She soon came to trust me and told me about her deepest darkest secrets that no one else knew. How she had tried to commit suicide so many times, how she to had been raped, how she had a lung disease that would probably kill her in the next 2 years. My heart goes out to people who ache like her. So we set up a real date to get to see each other before the fake date, she brought along a meth addict who was her friend. The night was less than enjoyable for us all.
Between the fake date's situations and the one who I loved, the stress became too much. I turned to pot, shrooms, alcohol, crack, meth, and heroine. I became just like all those other scum bags out there. The only difference was, I did not kill for my money or drugs, I didn't rape, or steal. But in my own eyes, I am no less or no more than any other low life honeysuckle out there. Being the only one in my family who works and trying to support them and go to school full time, I felt like I let everyone down. I am scum.
The date never took place, the fake one. But it's just as well, she had blown me off after I told her I did drugs. I told the one who I loved about the situation to, she did not leave me though. She did put in her 2 weeks. I figured i'd never see her again, I wrote her a note telling her about how I felt about her, I never told her before, she said she felt the same way. She asked for me to call her and keep in touch. I did.
We hung out about twice a week for 3 weeks, that's when I realized, it was always me who called or set things up. She would almost seem reluctant to hang out, she never really cared what we did, where as she called all her other male friends or even just friends with benefits, she TRIED to hang out with them... but never felt like trying to get together with me. So it's been 3 weeks since we've talked.
Throughout the drug abuse, the friends leaving me, the shittiest job on earth, and realizing no one really seems to care about me, it honestly doesn't seem to me that I have it that bad. I would like to know how I can fix this. I want to be happy, I want to be able to hold my girl in my arms and let her know the worlds ok because we are together. I would like to be able to call my 2 friends and hang out and not shoot up some weird drug. I feel so alone in this world, because I know no one who even thinks, talks, acts, or even seems remotely close like me, or wants to be with me.
Why can't I stop feeling lonely? Why does it seem to happen to be that when I get close to someone they leave me? Why is it that I can't find a girl... at all... to even be with... Even my parents call me a fresia up. My dad still asks why I haven't dropped out of school and my mom still wonders why I messed up my life. They know none of the story I have told. Why am I so unlucky to have a life of solitude...
When I was 7 my father lost his job because of health hazards. Ever since then, my family has basicly lived off what we saved up. The hazards at his work was that he was having chemical reactions to the machinary and was causing him harm. My mother has had a metal rod infused into her back since she was a teen, so by about 7, my parents never worked. That was around the time my night terrors came forth. Vivid dreams and images of me often dieing, tortured, visions of my future, past, and much more. My dad in the past multiple years has developed fibromyalgia. (sp?)
As for me, I have led a fairly sheltered life. I had quite a few friends to start, but every single one of them had moved away or left when I got close to them. My last few friends had decided to choose a girl over me, which I guess could be understandable, but at the same time, was devastating to me. It seems like every time I manage to bond with another person, they get snatched away from me, it feels as if my soul gets a slight taste of what I should be feeling, then it gets ripped out of me. Not only does what I feel that I should of been feeling get clawed away, but I often lose something else.
I have always been religous. I believe in G-d and the Bible. I do not believe in the hypocritcal teachings, I believe in what I read directly from it. I keep my own standards and believes and stand firm on it.
During my freshmen year, I lost my best friend who I've known for 9 years, he moved away. I recently this weekend went on a road trip to go see him, that was fun, but realized how secluded my life has been.
In my sophomore year, I met Kristina. I had a crush on her for a few years, and we had been flirting for awhile. She was going through a major life dilemna. I stayed up nightly iming her, chatting, calling, even sneaking out to make sure she was ok. She said she was on the verge of suicide, I would ditch my classes to make sure she would not do anything foolish. I loved her more than I thought I ever could. About 2 years later, I still think of her. Needless to say, my grades suffered, my football career, which at the time was not too great suffered as well. I basically failed all my classes. By the time she was ready to date again, she had her eyes set on me. So did Sheridan, but she was not my type of a person. She was shallow, insanely hot, and haughty. She was my neighbor who had been trying to date me, however... being around her made me want to vomit, so I refused and stuck out for Kristina. I never was physically attracted to Kristina, but I loved who she was. Well, me and Kristina decided to date, my first girl friend. The next day, her best friend said she saw one of my other close friends (since preschool) with her. She was cheating on me. My friend knew how I felt. I talked to him about her a month before. He even promised to me to my face that he would never even think about becoming more than friends with her. I was devastated. I pretty much locked myself in my room for a year.
Junior year, was alot better. I managed to land a job at a mcdonalds, I got my license, I got a car. I started talking to 2 of my other friends again. It was this year that I became lonelier than I have ever felt before in my life. Growing up and watching friend after friend leave, watching my parents suffer, watching my own soul slowly deteriate from watching those who I loved get snatched away was nothing compared to this.
When I started work, I found an 18 year old girl there who I could relate to. She was smoking hot, bisexual, horny, and an awesome personality to boot. After 2 months of working there, we decided to hang out. We would lie to our parents and say we were closing in the store, but really, we got off at 10 and would hang out til 4 in the morning. We would often hang out with her friends who I hated quite a bit. They were mostly males who had past relationships or feelings for her, and made me feel quite competitive with them around. Then one night after work, she told me all about her story. How she had been brutually raped throughout her child hood and teenage years while her sister raised her. Her parents had been crack addicts. It wasn't til shortly after I found out she had been raped by my boss, the store owner, multiple times. At this point, I had feelings for her, I could get lost in her gaze forever it seemed.
I lost it.
I almost killed my boss one night getting off work. I found her being abused by him in the freezer, I hurled a 75lb box at his head as hard as I could. With me standing at 5'11, 195 lb, 450 squat, 220 bench, it nearly killed him. It was charged as self defense, he lived, we got new managers, and me and her got closer than ever. Then the rumors started.
The rumors were spread by multiple employees who were friends with the rapist. They spread the rumors about me and her, it drove her nuts. I didn't mind a bit, I enjoyed the thought of being together with her, she didn't. So, I asked a friend for help. I decided to set up a fake date to reflect the rumors. It was a friend of mine, not too close, but still a child hood friend. I managed to get her cousin to go on a date with me to rid the emotional abuse to the one I loved. Well, I set up the date and time anyway.
Me and the fake date talked for a week or two all day and night getting to know each other. She soon came to trust me and told me about her deepest darkest secrets that no one else knew. How she had tried to commit suicide so many times, how she to had been raped, how she had a lung disease that would probably kill her in the next 2 years. My heart goes out to people who ache like her. So we set up a real date to get to see each other before the fake date, she brought along a meth addict who was her friend. The night was less than enjoyable for us all.
Between the fake date's situations and the one who I loved, the stress became too much. I turned to pot, shrooms, alcohol, crack, meth, and heroine. I became just like all those other scum bags out there. The only difference was, I did not kill for my money or drugs, I didn't rape, or steal. But in my own eyes, I am no less or no more than any other low life honeysuckle out there. Being the only one in my family who works and trying to support them and go to school full time, I felt like I let everyone down. I am scum.
The date never took place, the fake one. But it's just as well, she had blown me off after I told her I did drugs. I told the one who I loved about the situation to, she did not leave me though. She did put in her 2 weeks. I figured i'd never see her again, I wrote her a note telling her about how I felt about her, I never told her before, she said she felt the same way. She asked for me to call her and keep in touch. I did.
We hung out about twice a week for 3 weeks, that's when I realized, it was always me who called or set things up. She would almost seem reluctant to hang out, she never really cared what we did, where as she called all her other male friends or even just friends with benefits, she TRIED to hang out with them... but never felt like trying to get together with me. So it's been 3 weeks since we've talked.
Throughout the drug abuse, the friends leaving me, the shittiest job on earth, and realizing no one really seems to care about me, it honestly doesn't seem to me that I have it that bad. I would like to know how I can fix this. I want to be happy, I want to be able to hold my girl in my arms and let her know the worlds ok because we are together. I would like to be able to call my 2 friends and hang out and not shoot up some weird drug. I feel so alone in this world, because I know no one who even thinks, talks, acts, or even seems remotely close like me, or wants to be with me.
Why can't I stop feeling lonely? Why does it seem to happen to be that when I get close to someone they leave me? Why is it that I can't find a girl... at all... to even be with... Even my parents call me a fresia up. My dad still asks why I haven't dropped out of school and my mom still wonders why I messed up my life. They know none of the story I have told. Why am I so unlucky to have a life of solitude...
