Why was I hated?

[Broken_n_Lost]

Now I'm posting this thread in the relationship forum because it was the first ever relationship I ever witnessed and encountered. The HATE from my father towards my mother and the HATE he portrayed to his children...

Ever since I can remember all I felt from my dad was disgust and disappointment that I wasn't born a son and hate because I loved my mother more. The first ever relationship taught me how to feel humiliated; he had a knack for it, he could and would use anything to humiliate us, the way we walked, the way we sat, the way we ate, he just hated us. Everything we did was wrong. Everything and I was an A pupil, I tried my best we all did, but nothing made him happy. I have a (******* of a) brother and still my dad treated him like crap, so how could it be just the gender thing?? He HATED my mother, my poor mother, she has gone twisted now, she hates me too, I look the most like my dad coz I'm the oldest but to be fair, I don't blame her, why shouldn't she hate me. I have his anger and his stubbornness and some of his HATE. He made us feel worthless, lower than dirt, I use to wish for death from the age of 5. He made my mum depressed to the point where she would just sit there and stare into nothingness, I had to take care of my siblings. Now they are all gone, my dad has remarried and is so happy, while I am alone and HATED. The only one that cares is my youngest sister who will be leaving soon, she is joining the army and who could blame her, I would go if I could. But I am unwanted and all I know is how to be isolated, alone, sad and angry at the world. I calmed my anger down the past 5 years but I still feel the HATE.
I cant be in a relationship because I don't want to be like him nor do I want to be like her, so l choose to be alone...but I cant lie and say it dont effect me. Sometimes when I sit on a bus from work, I cry and Im not the crying type but I just feel so messed in the head, they say it gets easier with time, BULLSHIT!!! Who ever says that is on crack!!! I ******* try all the time with my messed up family but nothing works, nothing...

 

[Callie]

You won't be like your mother OR your father, because you aren't them. You are yourself and nothing they did or do can change that. You just have to be the best person you can be and do the best you can do and accept that that is good enough. Sometimes, when you try so hard to NOT be like someone else, you lose yourself in the process.

 

[somber_radiance]

It's not just you. I think his hate was his way of expressing how unhappy he was. Maybe he felt he was stuck in an unsatisfying marriage or a not so successful life and took out all the anger on those closest to him, instead of finding a solution (which is much harder to do). I guess it shows since he's been happier since he left.

I kind of can relate...as I too am afraid of ending like my parents. They seem very unhappy, so I have this fear of falling for the wrong person. But I was never hated (maybe criticized a lot) so I can't say I know how that feels.

I was once at an emotional low...so bad it was affecting me physically (I was getting frequent heart palpitations) and I couldn't focus on anything...I just wanted to curl up in bed...and the tears stopped coming too. So I tried meditation. I found this guided one on youtube that was about forgiveness of those that hurt you AND of yourself so that you can be free to live your life...basically it was just soothing background music with a soothing voice repeating the phrase. I forgot the exact wording... and can't find the exact video...but it helped me through those days. Give meditation a try?

 

[beautifulsorrow]

Leave your family, distance yourself from them and live your own life, leave the pain behind.(if leaqving is possible)
I agree with callie about trying hard to not be someone, sometimes it even makes you more like them.
Don't be too hard on yourself, if you would like to get in a relationship don't stop yourself.
I'm sorry it had to be like that.

 

[gnome3]

Yes, a sad story. Many different feelings. Feelings of grief, humiliation, reject, loathing. Very painful. It must have been a very hard life - living in such an atmosphere, and the ongoing continuance. It may really do wonders to change things up if at all possible. Distancing yourself from those who are not supportive does seem like a good move. I am sure that there are other complications involved, but the ideal thing would be to allow only those into your life that are of positive influence. This may not be entirely possible, but maybe you could steer towards such a goal.
Hugs to you, Broken.

 

[Broken_n_Lost]

Today is a sad day...Im so sad that I even contacted my ex (he is an ex for a valid reason) but I think who cares, I deserve being treated with hate. My mum threw me out yesterday went to have dinner at hers helped her with cooking, keeping her company, gave her two jackets of mine coz I thought it would look better on her and brought her flowers but still she started an argument and showed me how much she hates me.
I dont get this life anymore, I dont get this bullshit world anymore. Every time l ******* try, every time, all l get is failure. People wonder why I am alone, they wonder why I have hate in my heart...my own mother wants me dead, my own father wished I was dead and all I feel from this world is hate. I wish I was gone, but God doesnt even want me or else I would have been taken by now. I just want to die (not saying I will do anything about it coz I aint no weakling who will commit suicide) but I wished I was not here. I wished I wasnt born since the age of 5, the age I can remember my first memory. How long do I have to be here and for what purpose, if someone is always doomed to failure why not just take them out of their misery. Its like I am being taunted, its like no matter what I do I fail, no matter how hard I try I fail. If Im doomed to failure then I might as well die. And yet there are people who are dying who would love to be in my shoes and I would love to be their shoes and yet I am here and they are there...this is wot I dont understand about life...this is what I will never understand...

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear about your life situation. It always saddens me to see children like you suffer because of terrible parenting.

Please don't give up hope. There is still a chance for life to turn around. And it usually starts with your own mind and willpower. Trust me, if you continue to fight this, and try to make changes, you will have a better life.

When your parents are as such, where they don't really care about you anymore, I'd suggest you stay away from them. It's dangerous and it's unhealthy for you to subject yourself to such treatments. It will only continue to hurt you more. I think that's the best thing to do here.

I'm so glad to hear you say that you do not have any intention to commit suicide despite the temptation to. That means you're strong in facing this and it shows courage that you have within you. Use those amazing qualities of yours and start to move forward in life.

You are not your mother nor are you your father. You will not be like them, if you do not let yourself to be. Everything depends on the choices you make. The choices you make depends on your mindset as well. It's not easy to go through life knowing nothing but hatred. No one would want to be in your shoes, I don't think, because it sounds terrible. Nobody likes to be hated, I'm sure.

There's a lot more to life out there. Right now you're stuck in a rut and you're not seeing it. Consider moving away? What is keeping you from living your own life?

 

[Callie]

No one deserves to be treated with hate. Don't let yourself think that way. What about getting a fresh start? Move to a new area, try to forget the people who treat you badly, THEY don't deserve to be in your life, THEY don't deserve the energy you afford them by hating them.
If you want to throw God into it, some would say that He doesn't give anyone anything they can't handle.
Take the lessons you've been given and learn from them. What happened in the past (even yesterday) doesn't matter anymore, it's happened, you can't change that, but what you can do is start today, focus on the present, figure out what you want out of life and work towards accomplishing that.
You're only a failure if you stop trying.

 

[ladyforsaken]

No one deserves to be treated with hate. Don't let yourself think that way. What about getting a fresh start? Move to a new area, try to forget the people who treat you badly, THEY don't deserve to be in your life, THEY don't deserve the energy you afford them by hating them.
If you want to throw God into it, some would say that He doesn't give anyone anything they can't handle.
Take the lessons you've been given and learn from them. What happened in the past (even yesterday) doesn't matter anymore, it's happened, you can't change that, but what you can do is start today, focus on the present, figure out what you want out of life and work towards accomplishing that.
You're only a failure if you stop trying.

Callie always give good advice and I would totally agree with her on this. It's not over or gone or lost until you actually stop trying. But that's a choice that is in your own hands.

 

[Broken_n_Lost]

To be honest I wish I could stop trying that way I would feel less bothered and less hurt...but I cant, Im a stubborn so and so so I keep trying and all I get is nothing, there is something wrong with me.
Ladyforsaken and Callie one of the main things I want from life is my family (not a new one) the one I had and still suppose to have, all I want is to try and help them and be there for them. Thats what I want and I know thats something I will never have. So how am I suppose to move on knowing that I failed my parents, my family, my crazy sister and my cold hearted brother (Im the eldest its my responsibility to help them) instead I have failed them all. No matter what I have done none of the good things are followed they all just hate me for the mistakes I have made and they never let me forget. Never.
And I have distanced myself from them so much, all I wanted was a bit of contact but now that wont happen.

 

[whispers]

I think your mom has as much hatred as your dad, when she was with him, it was a hate hate relationship, it satisfied her in some way. Now he is gone...you are there, so she will turn the hate towards you, its what she is familiar with, its how she deals with the emptyness inside. It realy has nothing to do with you, you just happen to be there to take it. As the eldest we tend to be everyones savior and everyones punching bag. The family knows that they can depend on you no matter what, so they haul it all on you without the fear of beeing rejected by you.

2 years ago i decided to get out of the savior role, after all.. they are all capable individuals, why would i take their honeysuckle...i work hard to make my life peacefull.
I did not desert them, i just didnt fix their fights, didnt take any honeysuckle, gave them the opportunity to learn how to deal with each other wthout me
That strurred up alot... they said i was abandonning them and i didnt care and i was going crazy...i just said i love you, but i cant fix everything, I will be there for you, but i wont do it for you, I deserve to be treated with respect , i will go now, talk to you when you feel like having civil conversation.
God did not mean for you to be miserable all your life, he sent you there so you can find a way to become a better person, rise from the hate and create love, show this family that there is another way.
Make sure you have good friends to talk to, who will love and support you. Stop carrying that load that doesnt even belong to you... you can symbolise by burning a paper, or carrying a bag of rocks and letting it go. Learn to love yourself, there are many workshops out there to help you find yourself. Self love is the best shield againts attacks.

Be happy, you are special and you deserve it.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Broken, whispers just said it so well. I would totally agree on what whispers wrote. Many likes for the above post!