L
Leef `c
Guest
My life over the past years has been an act of complete isolation, a rejection of introducing people into my life in any sense. I've lost contact with the extended family, with all my old friends, I am cordially distant from people in public and I make it clear I am not looking for a conversation, a friend, or a date.
It's as though I am situating myself for suicide. I use my freedom to sever myself from everything, I have turned my home into a death row.
Nothing interests me. Sometimes I find passion or interest, but most days are wearisome trudge out of bed and through the day.
I can't start a movie, a book, a walk outside, a news paper, a video game. I only have the motivation to start small things like reading or watching TV. But I become bored after a few moments and it seems pointless and I can't push through them. I will stop reading, stop watching TV, and instead lie on a couch or my bed or in a chair. This idle nothingness is what consumes most of my time.
I have nothing to do. I am a 21 year old man whose circumstances of life are rather pathetic: I live with my grandparents without a job; I have limited work experience and no resume or qualifications or references and indeed no career goals & the simplest conversation with strangers or peers is fraught with so much anxiety and boredom that I don't attempt it anymore with anyone.
The job hunt process is equally overwhelming as it requires a level of social interaction that I have atrophied . I fear it to the point of parallelization. In this way I am trapped as if in prison. I am idle in my room, becoming increasingly inert, drifting between feelings of emptiness and despair.
For some reason the usual overwhelming despair and depression was not clouding my every thought and I was granted an hour or so of lucidity and levity of spirit.
But this calmness of mind brought to my attention a sad revelation: I have no interests, no hobbies, no passions or talents--no pursuits of any sort whatever.
I don't care about video games or comic books, about movies or literature, I don't play a musical instrument, I was never a part of a group. I don't watch TV, I don't read magazines or newspapers or blogs or listen to the news, I don't even care about the historic presidential elections coming up.
I realized that if I wanted to branch out to other people I wouldn't have a single solitary reason for doing so, not one talking point. There is no reason for me to be around other people. It would quickly turn to silence and then annoyance at their presence.
It's as though I am situating myself for suicide. I use my freedom to sever myself from everything, I have turned my home into a death row.
Nothing interests me. Sometimes I find passion or interest, but most days are wearisome trudge out of bed and through the day.
I can't start a movie, a book, a walk outside, a news paper, a video game. I only have the motivation to start small things like reading or watching TV. But I become bored after a few moments and it seems pointless and I can't push through them. I will stop reading, stop watching TV, and instead lie on a couch or my bed or in a chair. This idle nothingness is what consumes most of my time.
I have nothing to do. I am a 21 year old man whose circumstances of life are rather pathetic: I live with my grandparents without a job; I have limited work experience and no resume or qualifications or references and indeed no career goals & the simplest conversation with strangers or peers is fraught with so much anxiety and boredom that I don't attempt it anymore with anyone.
The job hunt process is equally overwhelming as it requires a level of social interaction that I have atrophied . I fear it to the point of parallelization. In this way I am trapped as if in prison. I am idle in my room, becoming increasingly inert, drifting between feelings of emptiness and despair.
For some reason the usual overwhelming despair and depression was not clouding my every thought and I was granted an hour or so of lucidity and levity of spirit.
But this calmness of mind brought to my attention a sad revelation: I have no interests, no hobbies, no passions or talents--no pursuits of any sort whatever.
I don't care about video games or comic books, about movies or literature, I don't play a musical instrument, I was never a part of a group. I don't watch TV, I don't read magazines or newspapers or blogs or listen to the news, I don't even care about the historic presidential elections coming up.
I realized that if I wanted to branch out to other people I wouldn't have a single solitary reason for doing so, not one talking point. There is no reason for me to be around other people. It would quickly turn to silence and then annoyance at their presence.