A Common Thought

[jean-vic]

Loneliness is a fact of my life. Has been for a very long time. I'm sure many of you can relate. That very fact leads me to question, however. It leads me to question whether loneliness is my fault.

Perhaps my eagerness for attention, acceptance, love etc forces me to behave in a way that pushes people away. I'm not saying I'm a bad person. Maybe I'm too nice. Maybe that scares people. Maybe I try so hard to be what I believe they want me to be that I don't show them who I really am.

What am I? I'm a very flawed individual. I can be petty. I can be selfish. I can be cruel. I can be annoying. I can feel sorry for myself at times. I can be the personification of all that is bad about humanity. In a word, I can be my father.

All my life I've tried so hard not to be him. Any time my Mum compares some negative behavioural trait to him, it angers me, upsets me. I deny it vehemently. I lie to myself. I don't want to look in the mirror and see the monster looking back. Another example would be girls. We all hear the stories of what women want in men. We're bombarded with this white knight image that seems to transcend western culture. We also hear what they hate, whether it be TV, or a female panel show or just in general chit chat. I want women to want me, so I purposely remove every negative they could possibly find in me, the negatives I've heard about by women all my life. I try to be the white knight, and I have developed some sort of hero complex. I am attracted to girls who have been hurt, who are emotionally vulnerable, who have been let down by a man. I try to save them, but all I do is push them away. I don't have any malicious intent. I genuinely want to help them, comfort them, but perhaps it is a selfish desire, the desire to rescue them so they never leave me. By proving my worth to them, by rescuing them, I become someone they could love.

That's why I wonder. Yes, since I met my father a year ago, I changed. I have become more sociable and started interacting more, but perhaps on the flip side of that, it also exposed this weakness in me. I try with people now, and I never did before. But perhaps I try so hard I scare them. I try to prove I'm not my father. I try to be the perfect friend. I try to be the white knight. I try to be the man I feel people will love. Problem is, by being that I chase them away which wrecks my self esteem even more. That makes me try harder, and the circle goes on.

Thing is, why do I hide the flaws? Like I said, I don't like what I see in the mirror, as I see my father's eyes stare back. I don't like that I feel the urges of a man, urges which have destroyed so many lives. I deny all negatives about myself, all criticism too painful too hear.

The old saying springs to mind, about being unable to love until you love yourself. Perhaps my loneliness is a result of my denial of the monster in the mirror, my self-hatred. Until I accept who I am, both positive and negative, I will never be able to form any real bonds because I will just push people away with my overbearing efforts.

Problem is, how do you accept the monster in the mirror? How do I love everything I hate!?

I am sorry for rambling, but I needed to get this off my chest. It was bothering me.

 

[Stride]

As a child of a father who physically and mentally abused my mother, I can sympathize with you. The worst feeling is when a situation occurs, I look back on it, and I see my father's temperament littered throughout how I decided to handle it. When my Mom brings up how I resemble my father in any way, it really hurts because I know what an ******* he was to her and I feel any association with him must be negative.

How I get over it is by accepting who I am and learning from the mistakes I've made that relate to the negative aspects of my father. It's good that you care too much; it's better than caring too little. I've lost a couple of friends for caring too much because they were uncomfortable sharing their emotions and I pushed too hard for them to. I think you really have to learn to just let them come to you. Offer subtle advice when you can, but that's the best anyone can do without the other party feeling like you're prying.

If you see a monster in the mirror, punch the mirror. Don't see with your eyes, instead see with your heart and your caring.

 

[kaede]

This was a very interesting post for me to read. I've had relationships with guys who did not want to be like their fathers. I would say their dads had more influence on my relationships than anyone else, which sounds strange since they weren't even around.

What I experienced is the guys I was with ended up following exactly the same behaviour patterns as their fathers did, even when they vowed never to be like him. It's almost like the stress of living with that pressure (to be different from their dads) ended up pushing them to do stuff that went against what they said they wished for themselves. Some of it they considered unforgivable when their dads did it, yet they ended up doing it too. So many behaviours ended up being the same, it's almost like they just ended up reliving their dads' lives all over again.

I think what's important is learning to accept the positive and negative, as you said. Sometimes we end up thinking of people or situations in a way referred to as "splitting", for example seeing one parent as "good" and the other parent as "bad". Maybe working towards letting go of the good/bad framing will allow you more freedom to be your own person. Perhaps that could mean focusing more on who you want to be, not who you don't want to be. Hope this perspective may be helpful to you.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I know that I have ended up like my dad in many ways. Coming to accept the negative with the positive has helped me; essentially becoming more comfortable in being who I am.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.


I hated my father...for a while i thought I was going to be like him..cuz people would tell
me that I acted like him....For a while maybe I did. Old ideas and unworkable beliefs.
Some deep rooted pregraming, conditioning being raised by that man.
I had to go root them out or work on myself.

Today, I'm nothing like my father. I changed. I'm far from perfect..but I changed plenty.
I'm me. I love my daughter more than anything. I love me. My father still hates me...
I stopped drinking at 22...my father is still a fucken drunk.
I'm not my father...not even close.

I'm not my thoughts, feelings, beliefs system, ideas, morals or vaules.
I have thoughts, feelings, conditioning, programing, educations, behvaior patterns, motals or values...etc..etc..etc.

I'm free and have the power to replace my beliefs, morals and values..or my life.

 

[rosebud]

People always carry something from their parents into adulthood. That includes the good and the bad traits in one's character. Even if you think you're nothing like your parents you still have a little tiny bit of them in you. It's inevitable. The most important thing is you can learn from your parents' mistakes. You always can be a better person than your abusive father. Just because you've grown up in misery doesn't mean your child is cursed by this. If your whole family are alcoholics doesn't mean you'll one, but the potential for it is always there.

The old saying springs to mind, about being unable to love until you love yourself. Perhaps my loneliness is a result of my denial of the monster in the mirror, my self-hatred. Until I accept who I am, both positive and negative, I will never be able to form any real bonds because I will just push people away with my overbearing efforts.

You don't have to love yourself for somebody to love who you are. If you don't like yourself - try to make a change. If you can't - try to make peace with yourself. Internal struggles are the worst and can prevent you from having a fulfilling relationship. The bottom line is that a tortured mind hurts more than an injured leg....

 

[jean-vic]

As a child of a father who physically and mentally abused my mother, I can sympathize with you. The worst feeling is when a situation occurs, I look back on it, and I see my father's temperament littered throughout how I decided to handle it. When my Mom brings up how I resemble my father in any way, it really hurts because I know what an ******* he was to her and I feel any association with him must be negative.

Exactly.

I think what's important is learning to accept the positive and negative, as you said. Sometimes we end up thinking of people or situations in a way referred to as "splitting", for example seeing one parent as "good" and the other parent as "bad". Maybe working towards letting go of the good/bad framing will allow you more freedom to be your own person. Perhaps that could mean focusing more on who you want to be, not who you don't want to be. Hope this perspective may be helpful to you.

It was very helpful. Thank you.

I know that I have ended up like my dad in many ways. Coming to accept the negative with the positive has helped me; essentially becoming more comfortable in being who I am.

But how do you accept that? I'm assuming, based on your reply to this thread, that he wasn't exacctly a great person. So, if you see a lot of him in you, how do you accept and become more comfortable with what you hate? How did you do it?

I hated my father...for a while i thought I was going to be like him..cuz people would tell
me that I acted like him....For a while maybe I did. Old ideas and unworkable beliefs.
Some deep rooted pregraming, conditioning being raised by that man.
I had to go root them out or work on myself.

Today, I'm nothing like my father. I changed. I'm far from perfect..but I changed plenty.
I'm me. I love my daughter more than anything. I love me. My father still hates me...
I stopped drinking at 22...my father is still a fucken drunk.
I'm not my father...not even close.

I'm not my thoughts, feelings, beliefs system, ideas, morals or vaules.
I have thoughts, feelings, conditioning, programing, educations, behvaior patterns, motals or values...etc..etc..etc.

I'm free and have the power to replace my beliefs, morals and values..or my life.

Thanks for the reply, mate. I appreciate it.

People always carry something from their parents into adulthood. That includes the good and the bad traits in one's character. Even if you think you're nothing like your parents you still have a little tiny bit of them in you. It's inevitable. The most important thing is you can learn from your parents' mistakes. You always can be a better person than your abusive father.

Well, my mother always says that, aside from a few of the negative traits I have inherited, I am nothing like him and she points to every way I am better than him as a person and as a man. But like you say, something always seeps through. I guess those things just bother me because as insignificant as they are and as little they affect my personality, they bring me one step closer to him. And that's a tough thing to realise. It's like the self hating Jew. No matter how hard he tries, he eventually comes to the realisation that he can never get away from being Jewish. I have tried to escape that man, be everything he wasn't and then one day I saw that I am like him in some respects, and it's a shock. It's a shock to realise that I am my father's son. You're right, though. I need to accept that I am like him in aspects of my personality, but rather than mourn that fact, use it and build on it. Become something more than he was.

Thanks for the reply.