An unpleasent ultimatum

[Sceptical1]

So my parents got divorced five years ago because my dad had several problems which lead to his cheating on my mom. It took me a long while to get over it after it happened, and I was very angry at him. However I later found out a few years after the fact that my dad has several serious mental disorders one of them being some manifestation of bipolar. Basically meaning that he has a tendancy to be manipulative and deceptive and that he has a truly different alternate personality from what you see day to day. Eventually, I put all the facts aside and continued living life with my dad and even maintaining a great relationship with him. Despite this, in the back of my mind I always had an unpleasent feeling, and I almost feel like I knew my confronting my dad was inevitable. And truly, as time went by I would experience traces of his alternate lifestyle; phone calls to him from people with strange names whom I had never heard of, him leaving during the middle of the night and returning at six in the morning (he was oblivous to the fact that I was aware of any of this), strange texts I would notice him sending from his cell phone, and porn I would notice when borrowing his computer for school work. All of this was depressing to me, but I still accepted it as I knew he wasn't in his right mind. Another important thing to note is that he is a very smart guy with a phd in math, and is currently employed as a teacher, which he really loves and is really great at. The reason I know this is because he teaches at my high school and all his students really like him. So, currently things have seriously taken a major turn for the worst, a strange woman from the Phillipeans suddenly arrived at his house last month, and since that time I've been living solely with my mom. Yesterday, we sat down at the family therapist and I flat out told my dad that I needed the truth about what the $@&! is going on, because I was told absolutely nothing about this women's arrival or her relationship to my dad. He then told me that he planned to marry this lady in a couple months and that there was no turning back since she quit her job in the phillipines to move to the united states, and not only that, but she has two children waiting at home to emmigrate to the US as well. Now, keeping in mind that my dad failed to mention any of this $&@% to me before, I was completely shocked and absolutely furious. I expressed my anger to my dad and he acted almost as if I were in the wrong for being angry at him. Later that night he called my mom acting like a two year old and stating that he would start paying her full child support (presumably meaning that she would have sole custody of me) and acting like an imbecile! Anyway, being in my position it's very difficult to decide what to do. On one hand, my dad has acted like a complete lunitic in the past month or two, and really flown off the handle bars when I've confronted him. On the other hand, I've been living with him for the past 5 years with very little conflict and I know he has no ill will and I know he really really cares about me. I keep thinking that I should stop living with him and live with my mom, but I feel so heart broken especially for him, I feel really really sad and sorry. I don't think that we would never see each other or anything if I lived only with my mom, but I know my living with him means so muh to him because he would feel so failed if I no longer lived with him . And I really can't talk to any of my friends about it because they all go to my school and so his teaching reputation may be at steak, and he really loves teaching and would never ever do anything harmful to his students. So I'm really sorry for the long post but this is the worst time in my life, I'm only 16 but I feel so much older! It feels awful! Any help would be much appreciated, thanks!

 

[SophiaGrace]

I promise to come back and give you a response later today. *hug*

 

[nerdygirl]

It's messed up that your father didn't bother telling you he was involved with this woman and is planning on getting married. It's more of an issue because you've lived with him all of this time. Pretty lousy to spring it on you.

The other stuff- him looking at porn, dating women, etc... That isn't really your business. It sounds like he was using reasonable discretion. (Could have hidden the porn better, but still) It's okay to think it's gross, because he's your Dad, but at sixteen, you're old enough to be able to accept the idea of your father having sexual needs. It sounds a bit weird to say you were depressed about it.

I think you need to talk to him about your living arrangements. Not "confront" him, but sit down with him and have a calm and sincere conversation about how you feel.

 

[God]

You Literarly made my cry.

 

[SophiaGrace]

It seems as though you still have resentment over the fact that he cheated on your mom. Honestly, if he cheated on her it seems that he is an unstable man. You do have a right to be angry that he didn't tell you about this woman who he has spontaneously decided to marry without giving you a heads-up. I hope for your sake that she is a nice woman.

 

[lomojojo]

OMG! I know you might feel overwhelmed by this whole situation. It sounds like you really love your father despite his flaws and that's good. Love is always good. I can only imagine what is like to be in your shoes right now but holding resentment against anyone brings a lot of negativity and the only one that gets damaged is your self. Try to look at his strenghts and positive side. We all make mistakes, no one has perfect parents but I'm sure he loves you as much as you do. Since I'm a mother and I've done some stupid stuff but the least I would want is to hurt my kids. Don't let your parents issues become your issues. You have a whole life ahead of yourself. I wish you the best *hug* Happy days everything is going to be O.K.

 

[Treehere]

I can relate totally to this. Hopefully the betrayal and anger you feel lessens after a while though : (

 

[shells]

I can relate a lot to this. My father also suffers from bi-polar disorder and cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. Personally, I can't forgive my own father for the things he has done. However, I don't suggest you carry around that anger, because it is a lot like poison. At your age, you should be focusing on things like getting prepared for college or your future - not dwelling over things we really don't have control over.

My father's disorder is so severe that he needs medication, but refuses to take it. Therefore, trying to have a "normal" or at least "decent" conversation with my father is impossible unless he stays medicated and updated with his doctors. He is unpredictably violent and inappropriate -- which is another reason that I just can't be around him at this stage in my life.

Yes, your father loves you and cares about you. However, it sounds like he is not stable enough to look after you right now. You should do what is best for YOU. You are young, and things are hard enough as a sixteen-year-old without dealing with everyone's crap.

You don't have to take my advice, but I suggest you try to understand your father's mental illness(es) and research them. It helped me to rationalize why my father is the way he is, and it may help you as well.

Is there anyone you can talk to in confidence? You might want to try looking for support groups in your area - maybe teens going through the same situation that you are. Or you might just want to try talking to your mother about it.

I wish I had stayed in therapy and counseling, I think it would have helped me a lot.