Appreciating Platonic Relationships

[Alonewith2cats]

A lot of lonely people have finding a romantic love interest and sex partner on their minds all the time and suffer for not finding one. It's true that we are biologically social animals and need to interact with other people. But romantic relationships are not the only relationships that satisfy this basic need and they are not the only meaningful and fulfilling relationships. I find it very goofy that we have not too long ago created this place created in our English Language vocabulary called the "Friend Zone" where we place people who we like as friends, people who we like and spend time with for their mind and personality but don't want to jump their bones. And people actually think it's a horrible place to be! Really, I'm shocked! I think the Friend Zone can be a wonderful place to be because if someone likes my personality I really do take it as a compliment, even if the person finds me sexually repulsive and could not even imagine kissing me I would still feel valued and appreciated for being liked as a person. And I really think that there needs to be more appreciation for platonic love or like in this world, when spirits and souls can intertwine with one another but their bodies don't have to. I think a lot of people would feel less lonely and their needs for connection and relationships would be met regardless of whether or not they enter romantic relationships. And another possible bonus is that while you certainly wouldn't depend on this to happen, you never know if you may stumble across romantic love when you least expect it simply because many of the best romantic love relationships start out as friendships. Either way, whether this happens or not, you win.

Another thing is why does a friendly touch always have to be perceived as sexual to some people? Why is giving someone a hug and touching someone on the arm or shoulder or holding someone's hand for a few seconds without sexual intent so undervalued in our world and sometimes even taboo?

I'm not saying give up sex or romantic love, it's normal to have those desires and fulfill them, I just think there has to be a balance. I feel that maybe if we were more spiritual than carnal in our interactions with our fellow human beings maybe we would be happier and less lonely. Save the carnal for dessert. Nourish yourself with the spiritual because that's the meal!

 

[TheSkaFish]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree. Being "friendzoned" to me, is a horrible place to be. It's on par with being called some terms which I'm sure you can guess but that I'd prefer not to repeat. It's basically her saying that you have no value as a man; that you are weak, ineffectual, a pansy. I find it incredibly insulting. It means I somehow messed up my approach - imagine there is a guy you like, but you somehow communicated to him, on accident, that you actually like women instead. Of course you didn't mean to say that, but now that's what they have in their head, and they don't even think of you as a woman anymore. They now think of you as "one of the guys".

If I'm mis-communicating what I'm about, then who knows what else I'm doing wrong. And when will I learn how to represent myself in a way that communicates to these women that we could be good together? Once I've given the wrong impression to all the women I like? Then what?

Not only that, but it's worse. It's not very often that I meet a woman who has what I want. So when I get friendzoned by someone who actually has what I want, it really sucks. It just makes it that much more likely that the best I can do is to wind up in an unfulfilling relationship with someone I don't really want, or worse, alone for the rest of my life.

I don't want my relationship life to be just another thing to "get through" and complain about, like we do with our jobs. I want to actually get what I want. I want to be the kind of guy who figures out how to get what they want. It's just so frustrating. I just wish they could see inside my head, see what I feel instead of having to use words. Then it would be clear that I could show these women who friendzone me a good time. Just today I had a woman tell me I'm good-looking. So that's not the problem. Neither is being interesting, if I can hold a conversation with a woman which I know I can. That one girl even said how similar we are. So what is it then? What am I missing? Argh. See what i mean?

 

[Case]

I agree, AW2Cats. The whole dialogue surrounding "friend-zoning" is stupid. It's a hopeless attempt to shame people, and I prefer to call it what it is... rejection. When I get rejected, I get over it. Sadly, some people buy into this "friend-zoning" nonsense and can never move forward from the rejection.

As for platonic friends, I think they're great, although I have one where some people insisted that we had dated when the notion had never crossed our minds. Some people just don't understand that a man and a woman can be friends and never have sex on our minds. Amazing, but true.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree. Being "friendzoned" to me, is a horrible place to be.

One would think that you need to bed every breathing woman you see by how you sound sometimes. There's nothing wrong with having a friend.

 

[Locke]

I've never experienced this "friendzone" thing, because I am grateful for and happy with every friend I have. If you're not happy with being someone's friend, then don't be their friend. If you want something more and the other person doesn't, it's not a friendzone. It's you refusing to move on and find someone who wants to be with you.

Having a friend is a good thing. If that's not enough for someone, then it's really all on them.

 

[Nicolelt]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree. Being "friendzoned" to me, is a horrible place to be.

One would think that you need to bed every breathing woman you see by how you sound sometimes. There's nothing wrong with having a friend.

Yea, relationships with people don't have to be intimate love. I love my friends, but I don't want to date them or have sex with them. That is for someone else. But being social with people in general is a good thing, you don't have to have romance.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree. Being "friendzoned" to me, is a horrible place to be. It's on par with being called some terms which I'm sure you can guess but that I'd prefer not to repeat. It's basically her saying that you have no value as a man; that you are weak, ineffectual, a pansy. I find it incredibly insulting. It means I somehow messed up my approach - imagine there is a guy you like, but you somehow communicated to him, on accident, that you actually like women instead. Of course you didn't mean to say that, but now that's what they have in their head, and they don't even think of you as a woman anymore. They now think of you as "one of the guys".

If I'm mis-communicating what I'm about, then who knows what else I'm doing wrong. And when will I learn how to represent myself in a way that communicates to these women that we could be good together? Once I've given the wrong impression to all the women I like? Then what?

Not only that, but it's worse. It's not very often that I meet a woman who has what I want. So when I get friendzoned by someone who actually has what I want, it really sucks. It just makes it that much more likely that the best I can do is to wind up in an unfulfilling relationship with someone I don't really want, or worse, alone for the rest of my life.

I don't want my relationship life to be just another thing to "get through" and complain about, like we do with our jobs. I want to actually get what I want. I want to be the kind of guy who figures out how to get what they want. It's just so frustrating. I just wish they could see inside my head, see what I feel instead of having to use words. Then it would be clear that I could show these women who friendzone me a good time. Just today I had a woman tell me I'm good-looking. So that's not the problem. Neither is being interesting, if I can hold a conversation with a woman which I know I can. That one girl even said how similar we are. So what is it then? What am I missing? Argh. See what i mean?

You don't have to be friends with your love interest. What about the people you're not romantically interested in? By the way, this includes both genders and does not discriminate. Surely there must be someone you like as a friend and don't want to bone whether it's a man or a woman.

 

[Ymir]

I agree that friendships are underrated. Gladly around here friendly touch is very common and acceptable, even though I'm not that fond of physical contact. What I disagree with is that once a woman doesn't see a man romantically, suddenly she doesn't see him as a man or whatever. Women are perfectly capable of appreciating men even without romantic feelings for them. I know I do. Lack of romantic interest =/= lack of interest in general.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Its sometimes hard when you are alone long time. There are a lot of things a friend may never give you, and sex is the last thing I´m talking about.
Some may have many friends, and they hope that for someone, they will be someone more. That, as one poster above said, someone will see them as a man (or as a woman in the case of opposite gender), an as someone they think is special enough to be with, and share oneself with. This may get harder to bare as we see people around us being those special someones for someone other, and after a while, questions like "are they better?" "Is something wrong with me for people not to want me?" "Is it really just bad luck? After all this time?" start to arise. That frustrates one even more.
There is a saying in my country. To offer friendship to someone seeking love, is like offering bread to someone thirsty.

So I disagree with the Al2Cat. I think its natural for many of us to feel frustrated, more so for those who suffer from being alone for a long time. I dont think we can help it, as its more or less human nature making us be like that.

Edit: Just about Friendzone, on that I´m with the flow. It does not mean one is any less of a desirable human or anything like that. I, as someone who has friendzoned once or twice, I must say, those who I did this too were some of the sweetest people who will be the best partners for those who they end up with. Being friendzoned doesnt make you any less of a desirable person, or at least, in lots of cases. So in this case, I side with Al2Cat Getting friendzoned on itself, if its not a longterm problem, should not frustrate one, but he/she should try to accept the fact, that rather than love, friendship was given. And never take friendship on a light note, its hella important.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

In a way it can be like being a kid again. A lot of guys and girls enjoy friendships as children but as soon as they grow up and become sexually mature these opposite sex friendships are no longer considered.

I also see my male friend as a man and I believe he sees me as a woman. There are things about him I find attractive which is why I'm friends with him. I love hanging out with him, I adore him even, I just don't want to do the nasty with him. That doesn't mean I don't think he can find someone who will.

 

[VanillaCreme]

There is a saying in my country. To offer friendship to someone seeking love, is like offering bread to someone thirsty.

It's not the issue of everyone else if someone is seeking love. Just because someone's looking doesn't mean its to be found in everyone. And you can't take from someone what they don't offer.

 

[TheSkaFish]

One would think that you need to bed every breathing woman you see by how you sound sometimes. There's nothing wrong with having a friend.

No, that's exactly the problem. Most women don't appeal to me, hence I am not okay with just anyone. Either the looks, the intelligence, the passion, the charm, or some combination of those traits is just not there. That's why it's so crucial that I get through to the few who actually have the combination of traits that I find exciting. That's why "just moving on" to me won't solve my problem, because all there is to move on to are women I don't find exciting, and I'd only be going through the motions.

You don't have to be friends with your love interest. What about the people you're not romantically interested in? By the way, this includes both genders and does not discriminate. Surely there must be someone you like as a friend and don't want to bone whether it's a man or a woman.

I only have male friends and I don't want a relationship/sex with them because I am not interested in sex with men. I have female acquaintances but like I said, there's always something missing with them, something that I can put my finger on and define - looks, intelligence, no passion, few to no shared interests, they don't stoke my curiosity or fascination, not exciting enough, or many things that just aren't there. It's always at least looks and one or more of the rest. You could ask me why I wouldn't want to date/sleep with any one of them and I would have a concrete answer.

I also see my male friend as a man and I believe he sees me as a woman. There are things about him I find attractive which is why I'm friends with him. I love hanging out with him, I adore him even, I just don't want to do the nasty with him.

That's another thing I don't get. That girl I am interested in, she commented positively on my looks before and she even asked me about what I'd think of her trying to turn me on. She did say she'd sleep with me. And the thing is, she was the one who brought it up in the first place. I don't know why one would even bother talking about it if they never ever would even consider it. There's no point. I don't talk to my female acquaintances about it because their answer doesn't matter, it would be a waste of time to discuss it.

Its sometimes hard when you are alone long time. There are a lot of things a friend may never give you, and sex is the last thing I´m talking about.
Some may have many friends, and they hope that for someone, they will be someone more. That, as one poster above said, someone will see them as a man (or as a woman in the case of opposite gender), an as someone they think is special enough to be with, and share oneself with. This may get harder to bare as we see people around us being those special someones for someone other, and after a while, questions like "are they better?" "Is something wrong with me for people not to want me?" "Is it really just bad luck? After all this time?" start to arise. That frustrates one even more.
There is a saying in my country. To offer friendship to someone seeking love, is like offering bread to someone thirsty.

Yes, this is what I'm getting at here. All I can think of is that I must be doing something wrong, communicating something wrong for this to keep happening. I know what I want in a woman so it's not like I'm approaching the wrong girls, with which I have no overlapping interests at all. And these aren't people that I can't hold a 15 minute long conversation with either. I used to talk to them almost daily for hours, about things that went way deeper than small talk. But for some reason though, I consistently fail to attract the women I want. I get as far as "friends", but I can't break through to the next level.

So like you said, it leads to constantly asking myself, what's wrong with me for this to keep happening. I'm either doing something unattractive, or I'm not doing something attractive, or both. I have enough to talk to them, but something is keeping them from seeing me as special enough. I think dating is a lot like a job interview. Credentials help, but it also matters a great deal what you say and how you carry yourself, and if you say the right words and present yourself in the right way, the interviewer may give you the job even if you don't have all the credentials because you have convinced them that you can do the job and you can do it well and they may even be so convinced they'll start you at a higher rate than most people would have started at. Similarly, even if you have the credentials but you present yourself poorly, you could very well mess up the interview and not get the job.

But what really gets me is that you really can get the job if you present yourself in the right way, and that's why it's so hard for me to "move on". Because I know I could have done it if only I came across as the man for the job, if only I was presenting myself a little bit differently. Different word choices, different attitudes, and so on. I know what "not connecting" with someone is, that's where you can't talk to a person at all because you have just nothing at all to say, there's no overlap at all. That's not what this is. I'm messing up my interview somehow.

I know I don't have all the credentials so I can't carry myself on credentials alone. And I think I must also be saying the wrong things, presenting myself poorly somehow because I keep communicating that I'm not worth more than "just friends", even though I don't mean to. The other thing I notice is that I've never been able to attract anyone. I mean, I'm 28 years old. Most people my age have had at least one relationship. I know it's not my looks that have girls running away - I'm not saying I'm the best looking guy ever but I do get some compliments sometimes and not only that, it's more like, I know I'm not that bad that looks are my main problem. And conversation/"meshing" isn't a problem either. We have interests in common. So it must be something else and I'm willing to bet it's a combination of things, because there's usually never just one reason why something bad happens.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

To offer friendship to someone seeking love, is like offering bread to someone thirsty.

That is a very interesting thought, reminds me so much of someone I recently dated....she absolutely needs/wants someone so frantically that it took the joy of discovery away.

 

[Pike Creek]

When I was younger, I was seeking platonic friendships with men as well as romantic relationships with men. I don't like being friends with women...I know it's related to mommy-issues, but that's okay, I'm dealing with that, so I was never one to hang out with girls, even in high school. Maybe seeking out male friends back then was considered as me putting them in a "friend zone". But 25 years ago, that wasn't really a "saying", at least I don't remember it being such a popular phrase as it is now.

I had lots of male platonic friends and we hugged and talked openly without it ever getting sexual and I appreciated that and they seemed to as well. I know that one guy liked me and wanted more, but although I thought he was good looking, he had a great job, funny guy...made me laugh constantly and we had similar interests...I just didn't feel that sexual spark so we remained pretty good friends for 10 years or so. I didn't see him as one of the girls at all. He was a man to me, just not someone I wanted to have a sexual relationship with.

But as I grew older, I changed my desires and didn't necessarily feel the need for friendships anymore. I'm in the minority who believes that people are NOT inherently social creatures, at least I'm not, but I'm happier being a loner now. So when I was looking for a bf a few years back, those men who only wanted to be friends, well, I didn't accept that and moved on because I wasn't looking for friendship anymore.

 

[VanillaCreme]

No, that's exactly the problem. Most women don't appeal to me, hence I am not okay with just anyone. Either the looks, the intelligence, the passion, the charm, or some combination of those traits is just not there. That's why it's so crucial that I get through to the few who actually have the combination of traits that I find exciting. That's why "just moving on" to me won't solve my problem, because all there is to move on to are women I don't find exciting, and I'd only be going through the motions.

It's fine if you're not okay with "just anyone" - I don't think that's an issue. What really gets to me most (disturbs me) is how you speak of the girl you like. Read back on everything you've said. What she wants doesn't matter. It's all about you. That's not a relationship. You're going to have to move on and get over someone who just won't be with you. There's always a possibility something may happen, but don't count chicks before the eggs hatch. Even then, nothing's guaranteed to last.

Anyway, friendly platonic relationships don't cover unrestrained feelings of love and affection and utter obsession over someone's heart... All that lovey honeysuckle Hallmark sells. That's why it's platonic. That's why it's friendly. That's why most us of usually don't roll around in the sack with our friends. I know I wouldn't - not because my guy friends aren't attractive, but because they are just friends. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with them. Doesn't mean they're horrendous. Friends will be friends. Plain. Simple.

 

[Mistborn10]

Definitely like the idea of this post but have to agree that it can be very frustrating to be in these situations. I have been in two very close friendships with girls that I had strong feelings for. I adored them and we hung out all the time. Everyone would ask if we were dating and it always hurt saying no. I always wanted more and they just didn't feel the same. I don't feel any bitterness about it, if someone isn't into you like that I've realized you just need to accept it and be there friend. Not easy to do and I still have troubles with it. I was also a little clingy eventually and that is the worst thing to do. I wish I had just focused more on bettering myself and not worried so much about what they thought of me.

 

[Peaches]

I've never experienced this "friendzone" thing, because I am grateful for and happy with every friend I have. If you're not happy with being someone's friend, then don't be their friend. If you want something more and the other person doesn't, it's not a friendzone. It's you refusing to move on and find someone who wants to be with you.

Having a friend is a good thing. If that's not enough for someone, then it's really all on them.

so glad to hear that some guys think like this

 

[Tealeaf]

I think this is one of those things that stems from a much broader sense of "lack." Generally if people are pursuing something fanatically (money, sex, relationships, etc), they feel that they need it - that they aren't okay without it.

At their core, close friendships and relationships contain many of the same elements. They provide connection, understanding, empathy, support, laughter, reflection, and opportunities for personal growth. People who've taken to heart the culturally idealized image of the stud/studdess who is admired for their assets and can have anyone of the opposite sex they want aren't going to be satisfied, because that's not the validation they seek. They want to have the things that the "desirable people" have, therefore becoming a "desirable person" themselves.

To some extent this is common in people, but it can easily be taken to extremes. People can start to feel like they're not valid if they don't match that idealized image, and if they struggle with things that are depicted as indicators of status like money, sex, good employment, appearance, popularity, etc.

Not getting laid... well, that's something that just plain gets pent up.

To offer friendship to someone seeking love, is like offering bread to someone thirsty.

That is a very interesting thought, reminds me so much of someone I recently dated....she absolutely needs/wants someone so frantically that it took the joy of discovery away.

I've been there myself.

 

[SofiasMami]

Friend zone is a term invented by the whole "pick-up artist" and "alpha male" belief system. I have ONLY ever heard it used by young males in a derogatory fashion against other young males or young males about themselves when they are down about a woman. I've never heard it used by anyone to describe a woman. Funny about that, huh? So I don't pay much attention to that type of slang.

Seems like we're each on a continuum when it comes to the opposite sex with one end being I Must be in a Relationship at All Times No Matter the Cost and the other end being Meh. Most of us probably fall somewhere between.

Also, I can only speak for myself here but I've had male friends and sooner or later the sex thing always gets in the way and there goes the idea of a platonic friendship.

My most satisfying friendships have been with women or men I've been romantically involved with.

-Teresa

 

[Ymir]

To offer friendship to someone seeking love, is like offering bread to someone thirsty.

That is a very interesting thought, reminds me so much of someone I recently dated....she absolutely needs/wants someone so frantically that it took the joy of discovery away.

You can always refuse the bread without making less of it just because you want water.

(As in I'm SO TIRED of people making less of friendship just because it's not what they want. I mean, ****, if you can't appreciate it, that's your problem.)