Brian
Well-known member
Hey guys. I hope everyone is well, in this lonely season. 2011 was....well, it was a big year, the good and the bad. Felt like coming and sharing, checking in, seeing how everyone is. This started as a response to the 'How was your 2011' thread, but...it kind of took a life of its own.
In October, I celebrated my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend. She's incredible and I would urge you all to persevere, because if there's one like her there have to be more.
I also turned 24, and I'm starting to see the lines. I don't dislike them. They are sweaty summer days clearing brush and shoveling dirt. They are weighed decisions and battles fought. Patients treated, things learned. I welcome age as it comes, thus far.
Over the summer I made my first light forays in to backpacking and pretty much got bitten by the bug.
June saw me attend my Kindred's Althing; a mixed experience where I felt pretty secluded from a group like I haven't before. It made me question the leadership of the Gothi and revisit old feelings about alcohol. Yet, it wasn't an abjectly -bad- experience.
I abandoned a dream in disillusion. I've always been one to state that most things are not as they seem...and the fire service is certainly one of them. Where can you find the most arrogant, egotistical sons of bitches in the world? A fire station. I've come to realize that the fire service is going to destroy EMS in the name of justifying their jobs as actual fire calls continue to decline (thank you, uniform fire code). I will not join them in their atrocity...
So I'm going to continue school and become a PA-C.
And lastly, I've met one of the most honorable, respectable men I have ever met in my life. He's my partner at work and I would follow him in to hell. He gives me hope, and has taught me so many things that he doesn't even realize. He's taught me to be the better man and to never lower myself below that. He is truly, genuinely, my best friend.
But through it all, what can I say? It's 10:40 and I'm at work in my room, my girlfriend is asleep at home, the world outside tosses in restlessness. What will come this next year? What will face us, as modern society becomes more secluded, as crime rates rise and money dwindles? Chaos? Peace? The end? A beginning?
Laying here, I can't help but feel...lonely. And by all means, I shouldn't.
It's like a specter. Always just out of sight, but close at hand in the quiet of the evening. I feel spoiled to say it, but I think this sort of thing is like a scar to us. We might find happiness, but we have known the bottom. We've supped on tears and slept with misery and desperation, you and I. And I wonder if that ever truly leaves us, after we live with it for so long.
Worse, sometimes, I...miss it. It comes and goes, but I occasionally miss being alone and secluded. I miss the rawness of the emotions that accompanied it, or just being...by myself. I'm not often by myself, these days, even though all I have to do is ask. It has it's downsides too.
I don't recognize most of the names here now. I've been gone a long time and perhaps don't belong here as much as I used to. I'm one of 'them'; those people who hold hands in public, who I never could stand to see for the pain it caused. I remember we used to talk about 'them'. But...I can't help but visit now and then. We are still kindred spirits. As the song goes, "I have lain with the wolf; he seeks me out and demands my company".
I love each and every person here. If we don't love each other in these times ahead, there might come a day when no one else will. So it is that I feel inclined to check in now and then.
Peace be with everyone. If you need a new friend or want to catch up, please PM me, I'd love to talk.
I want to share a song that I found, from Johnny Cash; different than my usual fare. He didn't write it, but his rendition is very expressive as only Mr. Cash can be. As we speak, it has me crying. I've needed it for a few weeks now; I don't know what it is, but...I do see a darkness. Maybe you do too.
[video=youtube]
I love you guys.
Brian
In October, I celebrated my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend. She's incredible and I would urge you all to persevere, because if there's one like her there have to be more.
I also turned 24, and I'm starting to see the lines. I don't dislike them. They are sweaty summer days clearing brush and shoveling dirt. They are weighed decisions and battles fought. Patients treated, things learned. I welcome age as it comes, thus far.
Over the summer I made my first light forays in to backpacking and pretty much got bitten by the bug.
June saw me attend my Kindred's Althing; a mixed experience where I felt pretty secluded from a group like I haven't before. It made me question the leadership of the Gothi and revisit old feelings about alcohol. Yet, it wasn't an abjectly -bad- experience.
I abandoned a dream in disillusion. I've always been one to state that most things are not as they seem...and the fire service is certainly one of them. Where can you find the most arrogant, egotistical sons of bitches in the world? A fire station. I've come to realize that the fire service is going to destroy EMS in the name of justifying their jobs as actual fire calls continue to decline (thank you, uniform fire code). I will not join them in their atrocity...
So I'm going to continue school and become a PA-C.
And lastly, I've met one of the most honorable, respectable men I have ever met in my life. He's my partner at work and I would follow him in to hell. He gives me hope, and has taught me so many things that he doesn't even realize. He's taught me to be the better man and to never lower myself below that. He is truly, genuinely, my best friend.
But through it all, what can I say? It's 10:40 and I'm at work in my room, my girlfriend is asleep at home, the world outside tosses in restlessness. What will come this next year? What will face us, as modern society becomes more secluded, as crime rates rise and money dwindles? Chaos? Peace? The end? A beginning?
Laying here, I can't help but feel...lonely. And by all means, I shouldn't.
It's like a specter. Always just out of sight, but close at hand in the quiet of the evening. I feel spoiled to say it, but I think this sort of thing is like a scar to us. We might find happiness, but we have known the bottom. We've supped on tears and slept with misery and desperation, you and I. And I wonder if that ever truly leaves us, after we live with it for so long.
Worse, sometimes, I...miss it. It comes and goes, but I occasionally miss being alone and secluded. I miss the rawness of the emotions that accompanied it, or just being...by myself. I'm not often by myself, these days, even though all I have to do is ask. It has it's downsides too.
I don't recognize most of the names here now. I've been gone a long time and perhaps don't belong here as much as I used to. I'm one of 'them'; those people who hold hands in public, who I never could stand to see for the pain it caused. I remember we used to talk about 'them'. But...I can't help but visit now and then. We are still kindred spirits. As the song goes, "I have lain with the wolf; he seeks me out and demands my company".
I love each and every person here. If we don't love each other in these times ahead, there might come a day when no one else will. So it is that I feel inclined to check in now and then.
Peace be with everyone. If you need a new friend or want to catch up, please PM me, I'd love to talk.
I want to share a song that I found, from Johnny Cash; different than my usual fare. He didn't write it, but his rendition is very expressive as only Mr. Cash can be. As we speak, it has me crying. I've needed it for a few weeks now; I don't know what it is, but...I do see a darkness. Maybe you do too.
[video=youtube]
I love you guys.
Brian
