My childhood wasn't crappy really, just a few instances and situations of crappy things against a backdrop of a mostly good life. My home life was pretty good, I always had food to eat, clothes to wear, plenty of toys and games and books. But I had a hard time fitting in with my peers and I suppose in some ways I still do. Socializing appears to be second nature for most people, but I feel like an alien. I remember being a new kid in kindergarten and nobody was friendly. This went on for the entirety of grade school. To this day, I don't know if that's how people really are, or if I just had the bad luck of winding up in a class of mostly mean people. I wasn't into the things that most people were into, specifically most guys. I also didn't act like them either. Most of them were into sports and being aggressive and cocky, and I was this shy guy that liked to read and make up stories and play with toys and make-believe. They also later liked to drink, smoke weed, swear and say vulgar sexual things, and I did not like that stuff at all. Sometimes I would be asked things like if I knew what stuff meant and I didn't know and I just didn't want to, because it wasn't fun for me. I didn't care about that stuff and didn't care to be good at witty comebacks or any of that stuff, I just wanted to be left alone. Most of them seemed into being disrespectful and unpleasant for its own sake, mouthing off to teachers or to other classmates where as I didn't want problems with anyone and just wanted to have a pleasant life. I had some instances of bullying, but it was only by a few people and only verbal abuse, I was never really beaten up or anything like that. With most people though, it was mostly just a sense of being unwelcome. A sense of always being watched to see when I would slip up and say or do something not up to the standard of "coolness" or masculinity, so that I could be judged as stupid, weak, uncool, "less than". I always felt like everyone was in on some kind of big inside joke, and I was not. I never felt like I knew what to say or do, and of course I didn't want to say or do something that would get me laughed at, so I mostly didn't say or express or pursue anything. I never felt good at anything or that anything was easy for me, and I also didn't want to do something, fail at it, then be told "you suck!", so I didn't really pursue any interests. I reasoned that you can't be mocked for failing if you don't try, which obviously isn't a good idea either because you'll never do anything, but that's what I thought at the time.
I think this is where a lot of my self-doubt comes from, particularly as it relates to doubting my ability to get good at anything or doubting my ability to be interesting or "cool" enough for someone.
It took me a long time to make any friends, and as I've said many times before, I don't and have never had a girlfriend or even been on something that was confirmed as a date. I think for a long time, I told myself that I didn't want to be social and that I didn't like people because I didn't want to act like those macho, cocky, vulgar, elitist, and all-around unpleasant guys. I thought being social meant acting like them, and that liking people meant liking them and approving of how they were. Now I see that those things are not necessarily the same, but I have to get out of the habit of complaining and seeing myself as a victim, and I feel like I have to catch up on cultivating my identity, from my years of indecision.