Dating Issues / Sex Anxiety / Feeling of Impending Doom

[Brian]

Ugh. Where do I begin? This is going to be one of those threads that was born from a maelstrom of problems and fears circling in my mind. I hope it is not too disjointed, and is readable for you. I apologize if it isn't, and I appreciate any input offered.


As many of you know, I've been dating this girl I met and really like; I actually count this as my first real girlfriend, and am glad to have finally surpassed my 'one date curse' that I seemed to be afflicted with (if we can do it once, we can do it again).

We've gotten intimate twice now, and I seem capable of pleasing her. Whether or not she gets bored with me in the future remains to be seen. But for some reason, I just can't shake this feeling of anxiety that comes on me every time I know I'm going to have time alone with her. The other day, it literally built up to a feeling of impending doom. I found myself trying to think of ways to break up with her or avoid seeing her because it was so bad. Under normal circumstances, I can't wait to see her again and I really do like her a lot. And I do find her attractive But when I'm within a couple of days of spending a night with her, I feel like I'm marching off to my execution.

Does this go away? Is something wrong, here? She hasn't done anything to warrant me feeling this way; she's like the sweetest and most understanding person I've ever met. I've been scheduled to work several times when I was supposed to see her and she hasn't complained once because she knows I'm shooting for a full time spot, and I am so grateful for that. But here I sit, supposed to see her Friday and with a text inviting me to come down tonight, and again; Anxiety, Dread, and Impending Doom.

I suppose part of it may be intimidation by her sexual experience. I know she used to be kind of a wild child. And I've always suspected that she's had a significant number of partners. The other day she mentioned that at one point she'd had a drunken threesome with some guy and another gal (seemingly accidentally when she was talking about this other girl, but what the fresia? I know she's ADHD, but this was a bit odd to just bring up in conversation). While my feelings of anxiety are not any worse than they were before I knew of this, I do feel somewhat uncomfortable about it. I can't pinpoint why, because I know she doesn't do that anymore. And like I said, I seem to meet her needs. But still.

I also find it hard to open up to her. Sometimes when we cuddle she'll ask me what I'm thinking about and I feel a little bit of panic. I don't know what to say. Last time I pretended to be asleep.


I like her. She obviously likes me. How do I get comfortable with intimacy? What the hell is wrong here? Ugh. Someone please offer some input, here. This is very distressing.

---

Should...I talk to her about this? The thought kind of terrifies me. She knows I'm high anxiety though and I have been able to talk to her about some of my triggers and such. Ugh, I don't know...I wish I'd never gotten in to this....it was so much easier before; just lonely me, wishing I could date and not knowing what I was actually wishing for. Alone with my thoughts and my hobbies and not having to worry about being close to somebody. I knew how to cope and I could always come here. It was so much easier. I never knew it would be like this. I wish it wasn't.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
Hmmm, you have a couple things going on here. How long have you two been a couple? Anxiety when first meeting someone and while getting to know them is normal and to be expected. But it should dissipate with time. Anxiety and a feeling of doom is the opposite of what you want when you're in a relationship.
Did you guys get serious and intimate fast? Who asks whom to get together? I'm modern with everything except dating; with that, I go 1950s style. I don't approach my guy or any guy to meet up with me and no hanky-panky for awhile. (Unless I agree to meet with someone purely for sex. Theoretically, of course ) My Leave It To Beaver attitude with dating is working well.
I think you will need to decide whether to bring this stuff up with your lady. It's possible your fears are totally unreasonable or it's possible that it's a little voice telling you something is wrong. I think you will figure out what it is, though.
Good luck!

Teresa

 

[Badjedidude]

I think it might be that you're just at the point where you've been so long without this sort of interaction with a woman that you're starting to wonder:

WHEN IS MY LUCK GOING TO RUN OUT? SOMETHING AMAZING IS HAPPENING... SO SOMETHING HORRIBLE MUST BE ABOUT TO OCCUR!! I CAN'T LIVE UP TO BE ENOUGH TO KEEP HER INTERESTED IN ME!!

Trust me... us guys all feel that way to some degree, especially when the girl we're with is very beautiful (at least to us ). I can't say that I've ever felt it as strongly as you say you have, but I have on occasion had mad thoughts of running the fresia away and hiding in a foxhole for shelter to get away from the pressure of being with a gorgeous gal.

Being in a relationship is a weird, frighteningly big thing.

I guess the best you can do is soldier through those feelings of doom and try to find a place where you're comfortable enough with who you are and what you provide for her. And who knows? Maybe this won't last. But maybe it will. It's that last part that you have to keep in mind and work toward. I think you'll find that it gets easier over time. Especially when you're out in public with her... and you can give everyone that, "YES, SHE IS WITH ME, BITCHES!!" look.

Good luck and godspeed, man.

 

[SofiasMami]

Well, BadJediDude, that explains a lot with my ex. It all makes sense now.


Teresa

 

[Brian]

WHEN IS MY LUCK GOING TO RUN OUT? SOMETHING AMAZING IS HAPPENING... SO SOMETHING HORRIBLE MUST BE ABOUT TO OCCUR!! I CAN'T LIVE UP TO BE ENOUGH TO KEEP HER INTERESTED IN ME!!

Something along those lines is about right, but I feel there's more to it. Something more ambiguous.

How long have you two been a couple? Did you guys get serious and intimate fast? Who asks whom to get together?

Oh, lessee...we've been hanging out heavy-duty since late August, openly dating since early October. It was a week before Thanksgiving when we first slept together.

Usually it's a mutual sort of thing. I'll ask her if she wants to go do whatever, or for a recent example she let me know she's house sitting for a friend til January and that I'm welcome to come down whenever I like; I work out what days I'll come down.


To be completely honest and blunt here (skip this paragraph if you don't want GORY DETAILS), part of what concerns me is that I actually lose a hard-on when we first get down to business. The first time I actually didn't even climax (faked it ); I think this was due to an unfamiliar and uncomfortable environment (her religious parents house, her kid brother in the next room, her 92 y/o grandma downstairs making choking sounds, not exactly a clean house). Last time I had to regain erection as well, but after that there were no problems and I did enjoy the experience more (her friends house is a bit nicer, just cluttered), and I definitely climaxed. Which is why I think it's some sort of performance anxiety; I don't have trouble with initial arousal, and she is attractive to me. And the last girl I was with, two-ish years ago, I definitely didn't have these problems, lol.

But still, I can't seem to pinpoint it as being that. There's something else bothering me. Argh.

I do know I was very nervous about not having any birth control...she's allergic to latex. She's taking the pill now, so maybe that'll make this next time better.

 

[Badjedidude]

I do know I was very nervous about not having any birth control...she's allergic to latex. She's taking the pill now, so maybe that'll make this next time better.

Haha well... honeysuckle, man, that's a biggie. I'd sure as hell feel pretty un-boner-ish having sex with a woman who wasn't on birth control of some sort... but I guess I can't speak too much; I've done it several times without taking precautions like condoms or pills. So far I've been lucky.

I don't know... I honestly don't think it sounds like there's a deeper reason behind it (but I could be wrong!). You may FEEL like there is, but that could just be your own mind working against you.

It may be that you just need time to get used to being in a relationship like this. Nothing wrong with that, though it may feel uncomfortable for a time. Like I said before, you'll probably get around to a more comfortable, welcome place in a few weeks (or less).

*shrug*

 

[Brian]

Rofl, 'un-bonerish'.

You may FEEL like there is, but that could just be your own mind working against you.

This has been known to happen more than once.


Ok, well the doom is gone for now. I'm just gonna go with it and try to stay relaxed and see what happens.


Thanks.

 

[ShybutHi]

May the boner be with you.

 

[Naleena]

***We've gotten intimate twice now, and I seem capable of pleasing her. Whether or not she gets bored with me in the future remains to be seen. But for some reason, I just can't shake this feeling of anxiety that comes on me every time I know I'm going to have time alone with her. ***I suppose part of it may be intimidation by her sexual experience. I know she used to be kind of a wild child. And I've always suspected that she's had a significant number of partners.

Brian, for what it is worth, every new lover (experienced or not) goes through a training period when they are with a new person. Everyone is different in what they enjoy and just because someone has had multiple partners doesn't mean they are more experienced in the art of pleasure. Think quality, not quantity. Besides, there are plenty of "how to" books and dvd's on the subject...not that I would know anything about that...lol

 

[coricopat]

The anxiety and feeling of doom........all points to you being gay.
.
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.
.
.
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Kidding, of course.
It's been ages since I've visited this forum, so I've lost my (useless?) advice giving privileges.

 

[Nina]

Brian--
I think it sounds as if you just need to get use to the interaction and relax. Birth control is a HUGE issue and should make you more comfortable next time. Maybe play around with more foreplay before you get down to business....That helps a lot of guys who go soft when they go in a tad early. What she did in her past is history and best forgotten if she's no longer into those scenes. People change dramatically from one year to the next sometimes and if she makes you happy in many other ways, run with it. You'll get use to it in time and opening up will be much easier then, as well.

 

[alonewanderer]

Her past sexual experiences are giving him a deep seed of regret and resentment, you're just going to have to accept her and her past in order to make this work. People make mistakes and experiment, most are pretty uncomfortable listening to stories about old lovers and trists try to tell her you don't want to hear about them. Trust me if I talk about sex with a partner I'm in a current relationship with they don't want to hear about it afterawhile and vice versa, it just tends to make people upset.

Hey at least she's open with you though and admitted to some things, try not to focus on those things and remember, now she's with you and not with those other people.



puddipuddi ^-^

 

[EveWasFramed]

Find a place that there arent so many distractions, Brian. Sex with a new partner can be a bit awkward at first, and the kind of distractions you speak of, only makes it that much harder to relax and enjoy each other. It takes time and practice with that person in order to learn what they like and don't like. If your partner is fairly open-minded, you should be able to discuss the issue, at least a little. Tell her that you want to make her feel good and what can you do to make that happen. As for the issue you had with ahh....well, you know...any woman worth her salt, will understand that. Like I said, "new sex" can sometimes be a bit awkward until the couple learns a bit about what brings pleasure to each other. But, if you can get past that point, and learn what rocks her world.....
You will reap the rewards. I promise.

 

[Brian]

OK, I went and visited her again after my class this evening. We went out to dinner then went back to her place.

All issues seem to be... significantly improved. I had a really tense day so I got a hell of a backrub when we got to her place. That helped a lot. I think I can beat this after all.

Thanks for the input. That helped a lot too.

 

[Naleena]

I admire your openess in sharing and I hope all works out with your new girl

 

[Badjedidude]

I had a really tense day so I got a hell of a backrub when we got to her place. That helped a lot. I think I can beat this after all.

MA'BOY, I MUST SAY... BACKRUB = RELATIONSHIP. CONGRATS, YOUNG'UN!

lol

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Err..will Brian..its like this.
Ive been doing threesomes this past summer. I asure you ..my anxeity attacks N a sense of impending doom was removed.

I still have a good relationships with both women. A lot more than the sex.
Lots of love and understanding actually.

mmmm...i rather be wrong in someone elses eyes or selfrightous than to miss the ride or rides

 

[AncientBard]

Brian I swear you're one of my favorite people on this board just because you're so good at cutting through the BS and saying it like it is and still be a nice guy at the same time.

So what she's had a drunken 3-some, so what she's had lots of partners. You know what that is in your mind? A bunch of expectations based on a puritanism that someone told you which you've retained in your mind. Women and men should be be able to have lovers without any hang-ups. The fallacy that a girl's a whore and a guys a stud based on the numbers of times they've done the hokey-pokey with others is just such bull shite. Let go of that Brian, let go of the expectations that someone else poisoned your mind with and take the chance to see if she's the one. Don't ruin a chance at love because of some silly expectation, take it from an older guy you don't get that many chances at the real deal. And the real deal is a pretty wonderful thing!

 

[Brian]

Brian I swear you're one of my favorite people on this board just because you're so good at cutting through the BS and saying it like it is and still be a nice guy at the same time.

Hey, thanks

So what she's had a drunken 3-some, so what she's had lots of partners. You know what that is in your mind? A bunch of expectations based on a puritanism that someone told you which you've retained in your mind. Women and men should be be able to have lovers without any hang-ups. The fallacy that a girl's a whore and a guys a stud based on the numbers of times they've done the hokey-pokey with others is just such bull shite. Let go of that Brian, let go of the expectations that someone else poisoned your mind with and take the chance to see if she's the one. Don't ruin a chance at love because of some silly expectation, take it from an older guy you don't get that many chances at the real deal. And the real deal is a pretty wonderful thing!

You know, I'll be honest, I did used to think like that not too long ago. I don't look down on her or other women for number of sexual partners (though I do have some mixed opinions on promiscuity of both sexes, I can't say I have a clear opinion on the matter just yet), because that's just life. After some clearer thought, I think it made me feel like I was boring in comparison to the relatively uncommon/wild 'adventures' she has seemingly had, and that's what makes me feel insecure. I've, in the past, always seen myself as this lesser option that had to compensate in some way to make up for lacking in everything else. In recent years I've overcome it, but old habits die hard, as they say. I just have to let go.

Like I said though, the insecurities are diminishing as time wears on. I'm feeling more secure and comfortable with, well...being liked. I don't know if it makes any sense, but after even a short 13 years of liking girls and never having reciprocation, and a lifetime of anxiety and all the trimmings, it's actually been work just to be comfortable with being close to someone. She asked me the other night to tell her more about myself; I did, but it was incredibly difficult to start. It's hard to open up, but I am slowly.

Thanks for the advice though. You're right, and I fully intend to give her a fair shake and see what happens. One thing is for sure, I know I probably won't meet many more like her.

So far, so good

 

[AncientBard]

Good 4 you Brian, I hope it turns out good for you.