Dead-End Relationships

[Phaedron]

You've heard of a dead end job? Well how bout a dead end relationship... One in which she used to be your partner, but is now the boss, and you are reduced to being a lowly employee who is not even worthy to see her and there is no possible way to advance...

Such is my misfortune. It was a long distance relationship and we both agreed her coming to live with me and make our life together was the only way it would work. It worked out quite nicely for a year, then she returned home to "visit" and won't come back.

Basically I am wondering if it is time to get out. She does love me and we spend most of the day talking to each other over skype, playing online games, watching shows, but she does not want any physical interaction and has made it clear we can never be together, though she does say she is willing to visit sometime. She has stated the following:

* The relationship is a distraction to getting her life in order. Going to school, getting a job, maintaining a job, it can't work with me around. There can never be a situation in which we are living together again.

* I asked about a possible six months here, six months there arrangement, but she is too attached to parents and friends and says she needs to be around them all the time.

* I have offered to live with her, or get an apartment. She refuses this arrangement as well, and truthfully neither of us are financially independent.

She is still very affectionate, but honestly expects me to be satisfied with this. She acts like I'm crazy if I say this is not enough, but who in their right mind would be satisfied with a relationship like this?

So I'm wondering if I should keep things good, and hope for the best, or state my feelings which will likely result in ending things. I'm currently in a process of moving that will take at least a few months and she has been away from me for 3 months already. I could wait till then to ask her to "visit" and then state my case after she's had time to be with me, or I could do it much sooner.

We love each other very much, but its clear I will never be #1 in her life, there is no possibly for advancement, and now there is no physical involvement. Furthermore I was the only one with money in this relationship, I paid for all travel fees, food, gifts, about $10,000 over the year, and she has the audacity to ask me to pay the $400 to ship her things back, cause shes living at home forever now and I'm supposed to be "okay" with that.

Is it selfish of me to want a partner who is number 1 to me, and that I want to be number 1 to them? Should I be okay with always being second to every family member, friend, and relative in her life, half of whom hate me and she has told that she is flat out done with me? Is it wrong of me to say I deserve better and if she won't be with me then it's over?

I welcome your opinions on this and other potentially dead end relationships (similar situations you have been through)...I know I have a made a few threads about my relationship, but this is the last one and finally sums it up.

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I forgot to add a poll option for "wait until after you move to state your feelings." so those of you who feel I should wait to see if she really will visit me once I have moved, select option 1.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You're coming to your own conclusion on this matter.
The decision will be your and your's alone...it's healthy for you.

Maybe try reading you post or thread from a third party piont of veiw or as an observer.
What advice or actions would you give a person that just wrote your post.
Than maybe take your own advice....

 

[Phaedron]

Very true... There is an old saying "Those who teach others are really teaching themselves."

So perhaps this is a way for me to express myself here, but in terms of the community I also wanted this to be a thread to relate to, where anyone may post their thoughts about percieved dead end relationships, long distance relationships, and the like.

My apologies if this seems like a plea for attention on my part. If that is the consensus then just ignore this thread and let it die. I do feel that the situation has been cleared up a lot more though, then the last couple times I brought it up.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong.
you're not tryinng to seek attention.
It's not an easy decision you're trying to make and you're trying to see clearer.
Yes take other's point of veiw into considerations, but ultimately you're still going to have to make a chioce for yourself.
Too many opinion sometimes might make it even more confusing for you.

Learning to trust in you're own intuitions takes time. Your worth and value as a person without the guilt and shame.

Don't worry..I attend my support groups and talk about my problems...to hear myself talk.lol

 

[h i]

sounds like she rushed into a relationship to early and now that she has more options, shes trying to put the relationship on hold. going back to school and probably help from family. I dont think she wants to end the relationship. but she doesnt want it right now. girls are big on the whole talking and having someone, so they dont have that fear of being 'alone'. it seems like shes getting all that she needs, with options for school, help and attention from family, and a boyfriend to talk with. i dont think shes going to change her mind on her own.

you can either wait for her, or move on for the time being and come back to her later. moving there seemed like a good idea until i wrote it, and decided not to submit it. moving there would be risky and may possibly ruin the relationship.

 

[Phaedron]

it seems like shes getting all that she needs, with options for school, help and attention from family, and a boyfriend to talk with.

Yeah... I suppose so. she was depressed and anxious to get away when we met a year ago. I saw that she had many many family and friends where as I have only one living family member, and one real friend. I was close to leaving then, but she said that that she was "lonely in a crowded room." Now I feel this whole concept is total bs. And I know she has lied to me about things. She likely uses lies to "manage" her relations like many women are trained to do from an early age.

So yeah, I am going to state my feelings eventually, and likely move on. If the path she has chosen is final, then she deserves someone she can be with, and so do I. So if and when I decide it's over, it will be presented as for the best, for both of us.

btw Hi, I like your sig... life is often paradoxical like that... I like mine too, but it's long so I only post it ocassionally.

"Love is often fragile when we think it's strong, and strong when we think it's fragile."

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, I voted for be supportive and all that. I'm never the one to tell someone to end their relationship, especially since it doesn't seem that's what you want to do. You're still talking to her and want to be with her. However, on her end, it seems that she's satisfied with something you're not. I'd tell her and see how it works out. Other than simply leaving, there's nothing more you can really do. You can't make her change or conform to what you want. See how things work out. It might turn out better later on.

 

[Phaedron]

I'm never the one to tell someone to end their relationship, especially since it doesn't seem that's what you want to do. You're still talking to her and want to be with her.

At the moment we're just watching the last episodes of stuff I wanted to watch with her, that I left on her computer. Since I sent her back the computer I might as well get my time out of it for closure.

I've known for quite a while now that I will most likely be alone, and that to me is the same as well being alone. You can't really call that having a girlfriend, especially not when it's a permanent state. Honestly, I'm at a point where I could go either way. There's a part of me that's ready to be free.

I will have to state my feelings eventually, and probably break-up soon too. If it turns out I meant nothing to her, then that's just how it is. I mean what is there worth holding on to?

 

[VanillaCreme]

That's the problem I have with my ex now. There's so many things about him that I can't seem to find in anyone else. But I don't think there's anything worth holding onto sadly. Us getting along with each other on a level I've never had with anyone else wasn't enough to keep us together. It's taking me a bit of time to let the hope go though. Still working on it.

 

[RebeccaSarah33]

I think this girl doesn't appreciate what she has in you You appreciated her on a much higher level than she did you