Do you keep seeing someone just because there's nothing else to do?

[angel_in_view]

Hey everyone. I'm sorry if that subject sounds really odd, but that's the situation i'm witnessing right now.

A really good friend of mine w/whom i've been friends with for almost 15 yrs is going through this. She hadn't dated for several years. She found a guy who was local. She liked that bc months b4 she'd had a failed long dist. relationship. She met the local guy in person the same day & hit it off immediately w/him. After a month of seeing eachother, his job transferred him to a town that's 4 hours away. Its been 7 months now and she's seen him 3 times....yes, THREE. Turns out, he's not as great as she thought he was. He kept a lot of things from her that I think she should have been told about from the jump(several kids w/several women AND he was seeing one of the mothers when he met her). She's been asking for opinions and I've told her that in the end, it has to be HER decision as to what she's gonna do. However, if it were ME, I'd cut loses and just go on. What blows my mind is that she now admits that she feels like such a fool bc she thought this guy was gonna be her "forever" and now she doesn't even recognize him bc she's found out so much that she doesn't like. BUT even after saying that, she's still willing to see him. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, there's nothing else out there...so I may as well." :club: SERIOUSLY?!? I was just flabbergasted @ this comment. When I said he was a time waster, she got snippy and said that I have found my husband so I didn't understand. I told her that while it may be true that I don't understand how dating goes these days(bc I've been married for 7 yrs), I have been hurt before and I DO KNOW that sitting around waiting for HIM TO ACT RIGHT while he's out there doing whatever is NOT the thing to do. Has anyone else gone through this or knows someone who is?

 

[jaguarundi]

This sounds like the same situation you posted in a thread back in February?

 

[kamya]

I've worked with a few guys like that. He's for sure a time waster.

 

[Badjedidude]

I've been in friends-with-benefits-style relationships because it was comfortable and easy, so... yeah. But I'm not sure I would ever try to take a relationship like that farther or try to build it into something that it isn't. This girl and I kept seeing each other because we were both single, we weren't dating anyone else at the time, so... why not have some fun together in the meantime?

I think if I were you, I'd ask why your friend thinks that a pathological liar is her only available choice.

Really? There's nothing else out there other than a cheating, lying scumbag?

I think you should ask your friend why she feels that she should settle for someone like that. Even if there aren't any other men... that's still not a good reason to end up with a sumbitch.

 

[jaguarundi]

I repeat my question. Is this not the same as this, posted in February but 2 months further on?

Ok...what in the world is going on with this guy?
Hi. I haven't posted in a while, but thought i'd come here to see if anyone else as gone through this.

For the past couple of months, I have been trying to help my friend, but honestly I just don't know what else to tell her. She met someone about 5 months ago. She was so excited because she came out of a nasty break-up back in May and she really didn't think she'd seriously date again. After dating eachother for 3 wks, he all of a sudden told her he wanted to stop having sex for a while. She thought he was joking @ first, but then quickly realized he meant it. When she asked why, he explained that he really likes her and wants to really get himself together so he can be 100% ready for a long term relationship w/her. She asked him what that meant and he went on to tell her that he's made a lot of choices in life that weren't the greatest, but being w/her has made him realize that its time for him to grow up and get serious about being a man and having a real relationship instead of just being out there "chasing tail" w/o thinking of the consequences. He was honest on their 2nd date & told her he's been married once and has 5 kids w/5 different women(2 are grown the other 3 are in middle school). Although she really doesn't want to date a man w/kids, she said its almost impossible to find a childless man these days, so she was willing to give him a chance.

After they'd been dating for a month, he moved (they lived in the same city) 4 hrs away for a better job. He is currently staying w/family. My friend knew he was looking for a job out of town, but she was still a little shocked that he actually got one and left so fast. Things have just gone downhill from there. Since he left in Oct, they've talked daily on the phone, but she's only physically seen him 1 time and that was for about 3 hrs when he came in town for a Christmas play that one of his kids was in. She is @ her wits end w/him & is pretty much ready to start seeing other people. She's very angry w/him. She feels like he tricked her w/the whole "no sex" thing. She's been faithful & isn't interested in anyone else. She said if she would've known he was gonna get that job out of town, she would have never agreed to this. Plus, she's irritated w/him because he isn't putting much effort into trying to see her. She has made the trip up there 4 times for work reasons and has carved out extra time to see him. Each time, he was working & couldn't get off. He knows she is frustrated and he tells her he is as well, but there's nothing he can do about it right now. Once things slow down w/his job, he'll have more free time. She on other hand is angry because she feels he should be doing whatever he can to try and see her. She found out in January that he had a weekend off and didn't tell her(until after the fact). She was hurt bc he didn't try to spend any of it w/her. So she feels as if she's not even a factor in his mind anymore.

As I said in the beginning, I've been trying to help her. I've told her that I can only speculate and while I will always give her my support, she needs to have a heart to heart talk w/him and just find out what the deal is. Some friends think he's cheating. I honestly don't know WHAT to think. She said he just isn't talking about the situation much at all. He has voiced that he misses her and he hates that his work keeps him so busy, but he just can't do anything about it right now. By what she tells me, he acts like he wants a relationship on the phone, but then his actions otherwise just don't portray the same thing. Frankly, she said she's tired of having this "phone romance" and while she loves him, she needs more.

Has anyone else gone through this? If so, how did you work it out? Or...did it NOT work out? -- Thanks in advance

 

[angel_in_view]

This sounds like the same situation you posted in a thread back in February?

Y, same situation and isn't I'm just as sad about having to come here and get more opinions about this. I could just shake my friend. She's STILL going through this exact same mess. Another friend of her's thinks this guy is cheating now that he's out of town, so she doesn't like to hear what she has to say very much. I honestly don't know WHAT ALL he's doing. I understand being lonely but to subject yourself month after month? Come on, now.

BADJEDIDUDE - Friends w/benefits....Well, she can't even say that bc they haven't had "relations" since he left town all those months ago. You have a point about things being "easy." I GUESS he could be thinking that bc she puts no demands on him and just goes w/the flo even though she gets angry @ him when she finds out yet ANOTHER thing that she doesn't like. But, why even go through that? He's not in town anymore anyway and just talks to her via email and phone. I've heard that guys "don't do closure" bc they don't like confrontation. Ok, he's out of town...just let it fizzle out and be done w/it. That's why I told her its just a complete time waster. But she's "gonna wait & see if he gets it together." Okaaaaay. :club:

 

[Anahita]

I looked at your previous thread and it seems like everyone back then said pretty much the same thing, which is that this guy is wasting her time.

I think you are wasting your time as well in trying to talk her out of it. It's her life. If she won't listen then there is nothing you can do about it except not get sucked into all her drama. Let her sort it out, and be there to pick up the bits when it's all over, if you still want to that is.

 

[angel_in_view]

I looked at your previous thread and it seems like everyone back then said pretty much the same thing, which is that this guy is wasting her time.

I think you are wasting your time as well in trying to talk her out of it. It's her life. If she won't listen then there is nothing you can do about it except not get sucked into all her drama. Let her sort it out, and be there to pick up the bits when it's all over, if you still want to that is.

You are correct and I am just about to that point. I guess I just hate to see someone who is so smart in all other areas just completely lose her mind when it comes to this. I've seen a lot of relationships w/friends and family members just end up imploding bc they knew things weren't right from the beginning but went on anyway. She's seen it on her end too and talks about others who are "BLIND." But she can't seem to see that she is doing the same thing.

Well, thanks everyone for your help/opinions. I won't bring this up again and just pray that my friend will finally see the light.

 

[jaguarundi]

I looked at your previous thread and it seems like everyone back then said pretty much the same thing, which is that this guy is wasting her time.

I think you are wasting your time as well in trying to talk her out of it. It's her life. If she won't listen then there is nothing you can do about it except not get sucked into all her drama. Let her sort it out, and be there to pick up the bits when it's all over, if you still want to that is.

You are correct and I am just about to that point. I guess I just hate to see someone who is so smart in all other areas just completely lose her mind when it comes to this. I've seen a lot of relationships w/friends and family members just end up imploding bc they knew things weren't right from the beginning but went on anyway. She's seen it on her end too and talks about others who are "BLIND." But she can't seem to see that she is doing the same thing.

Well, thanks everyone for your help/opinions. I won't bring this up again and just pray that my friend will finally see the light.

I think that is going to be your only option. It's good to be a good friend but there's no helping her while she feels like this about this - I hate to use the word - loser. It will drain your energy as well.

 

[Batman55]

The reason she still wants to see him despite him having kids with several different women and being non-commital is obvious to me. This is probably a confident, adventurous guy, probably very masculine, probably has some status to him, etc etc. This is my assumption, I may be wrong, but I would not be surprised at all if I'm right.

If you have a high quality product in your possession, and it's clear that desirable products are few and far between, I imagine it would be hard to say it's time to move on.

 

[angel_in_view]

The reason she still wants to see him despite him having kids with several different women and being non-commital is obvious to me. This is probably a confident, adventurous guy, probably very masculine, probably has some status to him, etc etc. This is my assumption, I may be wrong, but I would not be surprised at all if I'm right.

If you have a high quality product in your possession, and it's clear that desirable products are few and far between, I imagine it would be hard to say it's time to move on.

*This will be the absolute last time I comment on this. Yesterday I stated I wouldn't bring it up again...however there's an update.* She called me @ lunch today in tears. She FINALLY saw the light! She said she found out last night thru a co-worker of hers that the "baby mama" he was seeing at the same time, was at an event gushing on and on about being together w/this guy. Her co-worker played it off bc she didn't want to blast her(out of fear that SHE knew nothing about him also seeing our friend). She confirmed that "baby mama" was talking about the same guy. She said they had a small hiatus, but they were back together and stronger than ever. As a matter of fact, he's moving back to town AND BACK IN with her! So my friend is crushed. She confronted him this morning. He broke down and finally admitted that he wanted to end things months ago..however he wanted to keep her as a friend. So he was torn as to what to do.

Batman - You hit it on the head. He was all that...masculine, athletic and most of all, he accepted her as she was(or so he told her). She said early on that she "loved him instantly" bc in today's society, girls like her didn't get guys like him. She said the few times they went out, people were giving them the look that said, "Okay, how in the hell did SHE get HIM?!?" I just hope she learns from this and comes out stronger.

Again, thanks everyone for your comments!